


Wormwood and Asphodel

by Animalium



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amputation, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Related, Chronic Pain, Death Eaters, Depression, F/M, Fights, Good Severus Snape, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lily Evans Potter Lives, POV Severus Snape, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Smut, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-07-28 18:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 106,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16247099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animalium/pseuds/Animalium
Summary: Not only did Harry survive the attack of Lord Voldemort, but Lily did as well. While grieving over the loss of her husband, she reconnects with a certain potions master who vows to make amends. Enacting their revenge on Lord Voldemort, they find one another as they once were. Rekindling a love they never thought possible amidst a war that threatens to tear them apart is more difficult than they could have ever imagined.





	1. Close Encounters

**..**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns it all, all hail JK.**

**A/N: A few lines in Ch 1 are taken directly from DH.**

Xxxx

" _I thought…you were going… to keep her…safe…" His breathing was shallow, and he clutched at the wall for stability as Dumbledore bore down on him. He had promised,_ _promised,_ _to do all he could, and yet, Severus actions had brought her harm still._

" _She and James put their faith in the wrong person, rather like you, Severus." Dumbledore peered at him, eyes piercing through Severus' pain.. "She and her son survived."_

_Severus' head snapped to attention, going to meet Dumbledore's gaze. It wasn’t the words he had expected. No one survived the Dark Lord. He wasn’t sure he understood. Wasn’t sure he wanted to._

" _If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."_

_He stared at the headmaster in a daze of confusion, the questions of what brought them here dizzying as he tried to make sense of it all. "What…what do you mean?"_

" _You know how and why they were attacked.” Dumbledore stared at him, his eyes intent on relaying a message that Severus couldn’t bring himself to understood. “Help me protect them."_

_A wave of anger washed through Severus, the protection came too little too late. If only they had trusted someone other than the Headmaster. If only he... "They do not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-" His voice sounded unlike his own, pitched upward with the panic that trembled inside of him, the anger forcing it into life. The office in which he stood suddenly felt too small, too clostraphic, and he found himself gripping the wall again._

" _The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does.”_

_Severus was silent, arranging his thoughts, calculating. He had come this far, he had sacrificed so much, what was a little more?_

_Xxxx_

Lily stood, gazing into one of the window displays of Broomstix. She'd been passing by, another store in mind when the Comet 260 caught her eye. She'd never been one for brooms, having been terrified to fly on them for so long, but her husband was another story. Being with James brought her close to the flying death traps on almost a daily basis. Placing her hand on the cool glass she could almost smell the freshly cut wood, the artificial scent of stain that gave her a headache. Its bristles were finely trimmed and contoured, dyed the color of wheat to compliment the orange colored wood.

A cry came from the pram in front of her, breaking her from her trance. She blinked, wiping away the painful memories before forcing herself to move on. She approached Slug and Jiggers, her intended errand, and clumsily pulled open the door while pushing Harry inside. The shop smelled of herbs and death, the result of many decay body parts. It was one she was much more comfortable with, having enjoyed potions class as a student. Yet, this scent brought painful memories of its own.

Her eyes surveyed the rows of cauldrons, varying in everything from size to color and quality. Lily lifted an iron one, looking it over before hanging it off her arm and moving on. Her eyes left the cauldrons, looking up to head in the direction of ingredients. It was a surprise then that they should happen to land on an all too familiar pair of obsidian ones. Severus held her gaze for the briefest of seconds before continuing on his way. It was enough time, however for her to see the distant coldness he'd never had for her and the twitch of his lips that she wasn't sure how to interpret. Much of him was still the same as it had been the last time, she'd seen him, nearly two years prior. Greasy, black strands of hair ended just above his shoulders. His robes we're the deepest shade of blue, appearing nearly black unless you looked closely, and a billowing cloak hung from his shoulders.

Lily stayed put, temporarily mesmerized by the fact that the boy she had so intimately known now stood in front of her as a man that was more of a stranger. He approached a rack of ingredients, the same ones she had been going for, and caressed them gently, examining every detail before seemingly deciding they fit his expectations.

Flicking her hair over one shoulder, she too walked towards the containers, selecting her own herbs to buy. She wasn't going to let Severus' appearance – no matter how off putting - prevent her from buying the things she so desperately needed. He shifted beside her, inching away almost imperceptibly. When she risked another peek, she found him staring down at Harry, perfect Harry, nearly expressionless before striding away from them.

"Belladonna and tubeworm. Is that all?" Asked a clerk behind the counter. Lily tilted sideways to watch the exchange.

"Yes." Came Severus' velvet, baritone voice, giving no more information than necessary. That part of him had remained the same.

"One galleon and three sickles."

Dumping the coins into the man's hand, Severus collected his things and walked from the shop without so much as a glance in her direction. Lily stayed frozen in her spot, slightly perplexed. The two of them hadn't ended on great terms - rather the opposite, in fact – but, she had never received a look of such indifference from him. He walked now with a confidence he had never had, standing tall and stepping purposefully. He no longer looked cowed or anxious. It devastated Lily to know that You-Know-Who had given that to him.

She closed her eyes, fighting back the impending break down. It had only been three weeks since James' murder, killed by Lord Voldemort himself. To know that Severus helped in the attack in anyway dragged up an anger she hadn't felt for some time, one only _he_ was capable of producing. She was utterly disappointed in him, that the sweet, nine-year-old boy in funny clothes had turned into a henchman of one of the darkest wizards of all time. It made her absolutely sick to her stomach.

She pushed away the thoughts, composing herself before collecting the rest of her supplies. Pulling out her change purse, she approached the counter. "That man that was just here.” She gestured over her shoulder. “Does he come here often?" Lily found herself surprised at the words that came from her mouth.

"Nah." The clerk began. "He used to be quite regular, but since starting up at Hogwarts last year we don't see much of ‘im."

She tipped her head to the side, the strands of her hair tickling the exposed flesh of her arm. "Hogwarts?"

"He's a professor up there." He continued counting the items she had given him. "Seven galleons."

With a grateful smile, Lily handed him the change before continuing out of the shop with a heavy heart. Hogwarts was the last place he should be.

Xxxx

Severus pulled bottles from shelves, refilling them as potions brewed in the corner. His mind was only partly on the task at hand, the rest of him revisiting his run in with Lily. He hadn't expected her, hadn't seen or heard anything of her other than the announcement of her and Potter's wedding in the Prophet some time ago. She'd been as radiant as ever, even if she seemed a bit downtrodden. There had been a subtle hint of jasmin on her skin which made him weak in the knees.

She'd had her son with her, despite knowing Lily was now a widow and a Mum, he hadn't expected it. Of course, the child looked like her blasted husband, the despicable James Potter. That didn't stop him from noticing that the boy had her eyes, exactly her eyes like Dumbledore had said nearly a year before, when Severus had come to him.

It had been three weeks, and he still couldn't believe the fact that Lily had survived. They hadn't been protected like Severus had asked, not in the way they should have. James was a sentimental fool, choosing a friend to hold the fidelius charm rather than someone more untouchable. Severus could have told him that Sirius would be their downfall. It came as no surprise that that didn't stop the fury from boiling in his veins.

The fact that Lily survived was pure luck and nothing else. He'd listened, barely taking in the words, as Dumbledore had relayed what had happened. She had thrown herself in front of her son, pleading that the Dark Lord would kill her instead and spare her child. Voldemort had given her the chance to save herself, but when she didn't listen, he cast the fatal spell. As the stream of green light had come barreling towards her, Harry had shifted behind her ever so slightly, peering just underneath her arm. The spell had hit him instead and the act tore the Dark Lord apart.

The anguish Severus had felt after learning how close he'd come to losing Lily had been reignited today, seeing her. The world had been so close to losing such a brilliant light and it was his fault…all his fault. He collapsed in his desk chair, holding his head in his hands when a knock came at the door. He straightened, composing himself and fixing his occlumency barriers before calling out. "Come in."

The door squeaked open revealing a terrified second year.  _Right, detention._  Severus forced himself upwards again, towering over the boy who shrunk backwards in response. He strode away, into the classroom, without a word and the student scurried fearfully after him. Severus gestured to a stack of cauldrons in the back corner of the room. "Scrub those,  _by hand_ , Summerby. We'll see what you get done in an hour, otherwise the rest will be completed on a later date."

He took a seat again, this time pulling a stack of parchments in front of him. He had received a rather large batch of dunderheaded first years. Their complete lack, or rather, desire to study was evident as he scanned the words on each assignment, crossing out lines as he went. Striking out words, he left notes in the margins.

They'd been assigned an essay on the twelve uses of dragon blood and why they were important. It was a bit ridiculous how many of them had utterly failed the assignment. It was a rather simple one as the uses typically dictated  _why_  they were important. A fair bit of research would have solved the inconsistencies he found over and over again. Never mind the fact their very own Headmaster had found the uses.

"Wand away." He commanded in irritation, seeing that Castor Summerby had attempted to use a scourgify. Severus found that purebloods were the most insolent. Few of them had done actual, physical labor in their lifetimes and found doing so unfair. However, it made for the most effective detentions. It was a small consolation for the fact he was stuck in a job he hated with children he disliked even more.

He glanced at his watch, it was after five. He only had the rest of this detention to get through and dinner then he was free. Patrolling the corridors was the only task he had left, and he was perfectly fine with it. It was the one part of his job where human interaction was unnecessary, and typically rare, should the students follow the rules. Severus had no problems prowling the dark hallways, in fact he looked forward to it on days like this.

Xxxx

" _Mum_ , stop fussing over him, he's fine." Lily prodded her mother away from her son who was standing on his toes in an attempt to reach his toy. Lily watched carefully, hoping Harry would find some way, some  _magical_ way to get what he wanted. She gave in finally when Harry's lip began to tremble in a wail. Lily plucked the little train from off the dresser and handed it to him.

She watched as Harry drove it across the carpet, leaving marks in its wake. The way Harry scrunched up his face in concentration was so much like his father, it hurt. They'd just been having a normal night, enjoying each other's company without a baby to intrude when it had quite literally been torn apart.

James had spotted He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named through a crack in the curtains. Lily could still hear his voice, the urgency as he shouted for her to run. She had obeyed without question, her heart going instantly to her son. She remembered risking a peek over her shoulder as You-Know-Who came blasting his way through the door. Her husband had been unprepared, scrambling for his wand. Though he tried, it wasn't enough. Lily was out of sight then, near the door to Harry's room when she heard Voldemort cast the fatal spell. She hadn't had time to be devastated, to even register what had happened. Now, she could still feel the way her throat had closed, how her hearted pounded in her ears. Her hands were sweaty as she went to grab Harry, to disapparate, when the cold voice was behind her.

" _Stand aside. silly girl!"_ Voldemort commanded. His slit like nostrils flared and his red eyes were calculating as they fell on her and how she guarded her son. She refused to move, for life without her child was no life at all. If she couldn't save Harry, what was the point?

Now, she hurried to Harry from where she'd been standing, clutching him tightly. His train pressed uncomfortably into her bosom and he squirmed in her arms. Nevertheless, she squeezed him with a gratefulness she didn't even know could exist. Lily registered hot tears dripping down her cheeks and the disembodied sobbing that she realized was coming from her. It was too much, all of it, and Harry had no idea what they had lost.

"Dada?" He asked, finally free of her arms.

"Daddy's not coming back." She forced out, watching her child solemnly. When Harry's wish wasn't given, he returned to his toy as if nothing had happened.

A pair of arms were around Lily suddenly and she gave in, crying against her mother like she was a child all over again. Cloris stroked her hair soothingly, making shushing sounds as she did. The sensation of all of it, her mother's scent, the touch of her skin, began to calm Lily finally. "I m-miss him" She stuttered.

"I know, petal. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it never truly does. When your father died…I was destroyed. It's been four years and while the pain has dulled, it isn't gone. I'll still catch sight of him from the corner of my eye, only to turn and find it was something else entirely. I miss him every day."

"But, you had  _years_ together." She fought, not appreciating the comparison. "James and I…we had so much more to do with our lives."

"And you think we didn't? We didn't get to grow old together, raise our grandchildren. We had plans to travel, to see the world together. Lily, you're young and everything seems harder now, but the truth is you never would have been ready to lose him. Had you been ninety, your heart would have broken just the same."

Lily sniffed and pulled back. She wiped at her tearstained and blotchy face before watching her son again. "I just don't understand why it had to be us." She whispered in defeat.

"Was it though? What about your friend? The Longbuttons-"

"-Bottoms, Longbottoms."

"Right, the Longbottoms received a fate worse than death. In many ways, they lost their child as much as he lost them. That boy won't grow up with anything a normal child should have. But, Harry still has  _you._ Make sure you remember that you still have him."

Lily sniffed again, nodding sadly. She wished to be Harry then, not caring about anything other than his train.

Cloris tucked a hair behind Lily's ear "You left the house today for the first time since his birth. That was a big step."

Lily nodded, looking back at her mother. "It was terrifying and unusual and…" A thought occurred to her, something she had forgotten. "…and I saw Severus."

"Snape? That nasty friend of yours?"

Lily exhaled in laughter. Her mother had never gotten over the slur he had called her, in fact neither had she. "Yes, I learned he's working up at the school. I can't imagine why Dumbledore would let someone like him in."

"It's a shame." Her mum agreed. "He was such a sweet boy as a child. If only…

Lily smiled dolefully. "If only."

 


	2. Close to Home

Lily found herself in the city center of Cokeworth. Harry was sleeping peacefully at home with her Mum watching over him. She was grateful she was able to move back to where she’d lived as child. She had lost almost everything in the attack, their house had been destroyed and family torn apart. If she couldn't come back to Cokeworth she didn't know what she would have done. Her Mum was the only family she had left, unless you counted Petunia, which she didn't.

Lily wrapped her arms around herself, she felt so out in the open, so vulnerable. This town was small, she knew everyone in it. There was nothing to be afraid of, yet she couldn't stop looking over her shoulder. After a year locked in her own home, she found herself fearful of everything else.

She peered into the window of the bookstore as she passed and saw him once again. It had been almost a week since she'd run into Severus last, and even that had been unexpected, but a second time was even more. She was a bit surprised to see him here, surrounded by the muggles she thought he hated. As she watched, pulling open the door, Severus stretched up to the top shelf to grab a book. A thin smile crossed his face as he handed it to the elderly woman beside him.

He turned suddenly, as if he felt her eyes on him. "Mrs. Potter." His voice was toneless as he tipped his head in greeting.

A newfound air of nervousness came over her, one checking behind her wouldn't solve. "I heard you were at Hogwarts." She approached a bookshelf beside him, feigning interest in the titles.

His brow flicked inwards for a second. "It's my night off. I didn't know you were interested in mathematics."

Lily blushed, dropping that hand that was fingering the bindings. She went to say goodbye, to leave, when he spoke again.

"How are you…handling things?" His glance at her was furtive, as if she would break if he stared too long.

Lily smiled slightly at his noticeable awkwardness. "Fine." She lied, her own light of sight dropping. "Dickens?" She nodded in the direction of the book under his arm. "I wasn't aware you still read muggle books."

Severus flinched. "I guess we both go back on our word." He strode away.

"What's  _that_  supposed to mean?" She stormed after him, her footsteps loud on the wooden floor, the patrons of the shop turning to watch the exchange.

"Don't play dumb." His eyes darkened as he towered over her, his voice deadly quiet. Whether to intimidate her or keep others from listening, Lily wasn’t sure. She froze in her spot and he swooped around her, returning his book and leaving.

Lily wasn't quite sure how to feel. Severus had morphed into a terrifying presence with a lack of emotion to back it up. Whatever he felt was no longer on the surface. She couldn't read him like she used to. Now, she was angry and scared…and confused.

Go back on his word? What  _did_ that mean? Did he honestly expect her to watch him destroy himself? Destroy other people? Was she supposed to let him lash out? Call her names? She too left the shop in anger, having lost all interest in being out on her own. She was ready to return to the safe confines of her home. It was amazing how quickly the world beyond the four walls of home broke her.

The chill in the air was biting at her skin as she walked. She shivered under her jumper, debating if she should turn down an alley way and just apparate. As Lily approached one, she noticed the gentle movement of black clothing a ways in front of her, and realized Severus had gone in the same direction.

He'd said it was his night off, she didn't think that meant he was  _living_ here. Why would he return to a place he despised so much? She hurried to catch up, curiosity getting the best of her. "Why are y-"

Severus whirled around, wand clenched in his hand. His arm dropped, seeing that it was only her.

"What are you doing here?" She forced, glancing down at his wand hand and wondering what his intention with it had been.

"I'm not needed at Hogwarts." He reiterated with an air of boredom.

"That's not what I meant, and you  _know_ it. You used to talk about how much you wanted to get out of this town and yet here you are.” She gestured to the night air around them, the shabby buildings cloaked in night. “And, you won’t give me a straight answer."

He glanced around them carefully, looking for anyone who might be listening. "I shouldn't be seen with you, they know what you are."

Lily raised an eyebrow defensively. She knew what he meant, she knew who ‘they’ were, but she wanted him to say it out loud "And what is that?"

"Muggleborn." He replied with a roll of his eyes before continuing away from her. This time she didn't follow, didn't try to stop him, merely stared after him with her mouth agape.

Xxxx

Why did she care so much about him all the sudden? It was infuriating what little regard she'd had for his situation before, but now he was suddenly all interesting. It was like she wanted to prove herself right, to scold him like she had in the past. Severus wasn’t going to let that happen. He was well aware of his mistakes and her disappointed pout would help no one. He didn't need to be told what a blithering idiot he'd been, he lived with that every bloody day.

Merlin, he'd forgotten just how much she could  _infuriate_ _him_. He shut the door to the house with a slam, rattling the old windows and disturbing the dust. How dare she have  _any_  right to scold him. She had acted so high and mighty – for  _years_. Expecting him to bend to her every wish without considering why that might not be possible. Lily had wanted him to drop his Slytherin friends so desperately, to forget about them and make her his priority. It sounded well enough, but was much more difficult to accomplish.

Slytherin was full of future Death Eaters and others had already joined Voldemort's side. Severus wouldn't have made it out alive had he turned his back on his classmates and side with someone they believed to be a stain on the world. Being friends with her had been bad enough in their eyes.

He'd blindly followed her for years, his love for her keeping him from seeing how hypocritical she could be. Severus still loved her, madly, it was for that reason he had left the Dark Lord's side. But, perhaps the space had done them some good, given him some perspective.

He hadn't realized before how she had treated him. No, that wasn't fair – how they had treated each other. He hadn't realized though that asking her not to befriend – to  _love_ Potter was necessary. His lip curled at the mere thought.

Potter and his gang had tormented him all seven years of Hogwarts, they'd humiliated, injured, and very nearly killed him. For what? Because he was different? Because he was friends with Lily? It had started on the train ride there for Merlin's sake! They couldn't use Slytherin house as an excuse when it started before the sorting. It was bloody unfair that Lily found it acceptable for Potter to attack him, but not the other way around.

A knock came at the door and he sauntered over to it, his mind still wrapped in thoughts of her. Peering through the frosty glass he found her staring back – she'd followed him home! Severus snapped the door open before gripping her tightly by the arm and yanking her inside.

" _Are you_ trying  _to get me killed?"_ He ground out before glancing carefully around her for anyone that might be watching. The Dark Lord had his followers carry out random monitoring of each other's dwellings. It was a way to prevent this very situation. The fact that their master had fallen likely changed nothing.

Severus allowed his wand to slide into his hand again, standing cautiously should his fellow death eaters come calling. He tried to work out a lie to explain the situation, should it be necessary. "Was our previous little chat not enough?"

"You really are one of them then, aren't you?" The lack of disappointment on her face told him she wasn't surprised by that information. He didn't answer, and she continued her interrogation. "Did you mean what you said? That you changed your mind?"

"My ideology doesn't concern you." He crossed his arms, shifting his weight into a more defensive stance while still gripping his wand.

"I just thought…I've never understood you, Severus. You'll do one thing while saying another."

He had so much to say in response. He wanted to tell her how she wore those words herself, but instead changed the subject. "You shouldn't be associating with someone like me."

She looked down, overcome. He wondered if the emotion that had crossed her had anything to do with _him,_ or if it was all related to James. "I was hoping to hear you hadn't joined him, that you were still a good person."

"The problem is you've always believed people to be one or the other, never stopping to consider they could be both."

Lily scanned his face, trying to work out the meaning of his words. He was shocked at her blatant disregard for her own safety, particularly in light of what she'd just been through. "I don't understand." She glanced away with a misty look in her eyes. "I just want answers…to understand why it happened."

Severus kept his face a stoic calm he didn't feel. "The Dark Lord doesn't use such reasoning for his actions. He's calculating…manipulative, but not in the way a human being should be."

"That's it then? He just wanted to destroy us for…the fun of it?"

"What is it you're looking for here? You need to be more careful. After everything you've been through, I should scare you the most." He stole a look over her shoulder, scanning the darkness beyond for any possibly movement.

She watched his face intently and he wondered just what she was looking for as her gentle voice filled the space between them. "What do you do for You-Know-Who then?"

The fury that crossed his features at her words was unmistakable and he spoke with a sneer. "I'm not sure what you're insinuating."

"I'm trying to figure it out,  _you_ out. Why Dumbledore would let…someone like you…into the school."

 

"Get out." His eyes darkened further. "Disapparate, you will  _not_ be seen at my door again. Understood?"

Lily pursed her lips, nodding. Severus could tell she wasn't ready for her interrogation to be over, but he had no desire to put up with this. He didn't exist for her to use when she wanted and abandon when she didn't. As she disapparated, he picked up the nearest object and proceeded to chuck it across the room with a satisfying shatter. He left the crumbled pieces there, clenching and unclenching his fists in anger.

He wanted to say that he didn't deserve her questions, didn't owe her anything, but the worst part was that he did. The fact that her life was in tatters because of him induced a painful shame he had a hard time coming to grips with. If she had died…the thought was unbearable. Nevertheless, the way forward was clear, a repeat of Dumbledore's own words.

Severus gave up the right to his own life the day he took the mark. No, that wasn't right. It had  _never_ been his. For even had he clung to the light, his heart would always be hers. He would sacrifice his own well-being even now to protect the lives of her and her son, to atone for the things he had done wrong. But, he didn't need her disappointed face watching him at every turn.

He looked around the bookshelf lined walls and the threadbare carpet knowing he couldn't toil away here for the remainder of the night. Severus had hoped for a relaxing evening, which had clearly been destroyed. He couldn't return to the castle either, it was a prison in its own right.

Studying the shelves of well-loved books, he ran his fingers over the spines in search of one that sparked his interests. Severus finally selected one of a muted violet and removed the thin tome, sliding it into his pocket. Leaving the evidence of his anger behind, he disapparated.

The pub was foul, smelling of sour hops and manure. But, it was nearly empty, making it the ideal spot. Raising a hand, Severus flagged down Aberforth. The man set down a dirty stein and picked up another that didn't look much better before filling it with Severus' usual and plunking it on the bar.

Severus picked it up, moving to a secluded table and removing the book again. The pages inside were tattered from its years of prior use. Taking a sip of the fire whiskey, Severus stared at the parchment in front of him, the spells he’d scribed previously. The original potions had been marked and altered with some recipes scratched out entirely. The margins had been crammed with so much text that he wondered why he hadn't found somewhere else to take notes to begin with.

There were a variety of things inside, some harmless pranks and other, rather sinister spells he was no longer proud of. Should they end up in the wrong hands…He thought momentarily of scratching them out.

"Severus." A sickly-sweet voice interrupted his thoughts and he looked up in irritation, knowing who he would find awaiting an answer.

"Professor Quigg, a pleasure." He closed the book again, laying an arm across it to keep it from her view.

The woman examined their surroundings with a pinched look. "I can't say I expected to find you  _here_ of all places." She looked down at her shoes, as if assuming for it moment that it was she who had brought in the smell of dung.

"I prefer the solitary silence it provides." He smirked at her, taking a sip of his drink and wishing she would leave.

Missing his meaning, or perhaps not caring, she sat across from him. "You are the one professor who has yet to extend their welcome."

"Welcome." He replied sardonically, hoping she would get on with it. Her fingers grazed the back of his hand and he pulled it away in disinterest. "It's a shame, really, that you only have the year."

She tipped her head to the side, the blonde hair that hung loose around her face trailing across the skin of her arm. A frown appeared on her lips, and he knew that he had gotten her. "What are you talking about?"

"Your position, defense professor. It's cursed." The expression his words brought out of her was satisfactory, almost enough to cause a smile on his lips.

"Cursed?" Her grin faltered.

"The last one unfortunately met his untimely end." Severus turned back to his book, ignoring her presence.

"Yes, well, I have some…some things to attend to. Goodnight." The chair she had occupied scraped loudly across the floor. With one more disgusted glance about the bar, she left.

With a curt nod in farewell, Severus gripped his glass and took an eager sip.

Xxxx

Lily could see Spinner's End through a window in her childhood home. She'd apparated like he said, not wanting to risk him or her own life any further. Yet not long after she'd arrived here had the lights in his home snuffed out for good. She wondered if he returned to the castle.

She repeated the things he had told her. That she should be afraid, that she couldn't trust him, yet something wasn't right. Lily realized then that was why she had followed him to begin with, why she had had no reservations about putting herself back in potential danger.

He could have killed her tonight, no one was watching, no one would know, but she had gone there knowing he wouldn't. If Severus was out to get her, to finish his Lord's work, he would have found her. He would have tracked her down and ended things. Yet, it had been a month since the attack on her family and he was walking the streets without a care.

It hadn't taken long for Aurors to round up the Death Eaters they could. Some, like Lucius, she suspected were lying about their intentions and others had run. Still, Severus had remained. Lily had been told he took a position at Hogwarts a year ago. He hadn't forfeited his position to run or compromised his life to stay. Lying wasn't an option for him. He'd always admitted to his mistakes, never afraid to back down. She didn't expect that to change even now. The only problem was he had a tendency to not realize when he was making them.

No, something about it all was very curious. He hadn't denied his allegiance to You-Know-Who, had even called him "The Dark Lord", but there was something he wasn't telling her. He had mastered occlumency in their years apart. His face no longer betrayed his thoughts, but that wasn't necessary. She had known his inner workings at one point and suspected she still did, if not to the same degree.

Severus was hiding something important, something that related to her family, and she was determined to find out what it was.

 


	3. In Defense of Severus Snape

Lily fiddled with the silver instrument as she spoke, mesmerized by the green  puffs of smoke the swirled around her hands. She found herself unable to focus on the headmaster as she did so, needing something to distract her as she spoke. "There's something he isn't telling me."

"How can you be so sure?" Dumbledore called out from across the room. He stood at one of his many office windows, gazing down at the grounds below and the students that covered it.

"Nothing adds up. Things he used to hate he's found a new affinity for." She turned around, facing him. "The fact that he's allowed to be here is one of them. If Severus is truly the person he claims to be why isn't he in Azkaban? Why is he allowed to be around children?"

"Have you asked him your questions?" His voice was flat, almost as if he’d heard this before. She found herself wondering just what the headmaster knew that she didn’t

"Yes, well, not exactly. He didn't let me.” Her shoulders slumped in a pout as she lifted her head to look at him. “ _Why_ did you hire him, Professor?"

Dumbledore stared at her with a expressing that assured her he was hiding something, that they both were. It angered her even further. "I suggest you ask him yourself. I'm afraid he's sworn me to secrecy."

"In other words, there  _is_ something?" She raised an eyebrow, her forehead puckering in curiosity.

"I trust him, Lily. That's all I'm allowed to say on the matter." Dumbledore glanced in the direction of the clock. "He doesn't usually take his lunches. I'd say you could catch him in his office in about an hour."

"Office? I'm…I’m not even sure what he teaches." Lily had been so wrapped up in the idea that he taught at all that she didn’t even stop to consider what he did here.

"Slughorn retired. We brought Severus on as head of Slytherin house and potions master."

The potions job didn't surprise her in the least. It was one of the few areas in life he enjoyed, excelled at. Head of house on the other hand…she couldn't picture him as a disciplinarian. He had the fear factor part down, she'd experienced his towering figure herself. It was the enjoyment factor that almost made her laugh.

Xxxx

A knock sounded on the open door of his office. Without lifting his eyes from his parchment, he spoke. "Detention isn't until this evening, Finch."

"What did he do?"

The voice that answered certainly didn't belong to Finch and Severus' head snapped up. "Tentaclifors jinx."

"I seem to remember you using that one yourself." Lily smiled softly from where she leaned into the doorframe.

"And I paid dearly for it. Shut the door." He stood from the seat behind his desk and walked to the front, leaning back against it. "What are you doing here?" He wasn't entirely happy to see her, but cast a muffliato anyway.

"Dumbledore told me what happened."

Severus straightened slightly as anger slithered down his back, through his nerves. He composed himself, his mask forming. "Did he?"

"No, but now I know there  _is_ something going on." She smiled victoriously, sitting in one of the chairs that sat across from his desk. The stairs that only students who were in trouble occupied. The association gave him a glimmer of satisfaction.

"Why are you so interested in my life all the sudden? It was easy enough for you to forget me before." He snapped, the irritation that had brewed over several days escaping him.

"I can't help but think it has something to do with  _my_ life, my family." Her own tone was waspish as she glared at him, the fire of her soul shining through her eyes.

Severus didn't respond, didn't know how to refute the statement. He finally just looked away from her. His position eased with the pain that he’d have to hurt her, again.

"Was it a good thing?" She asked tentatively, her voice barely that of a whisper. She knew she had won, but still she treaded carefully.

"I…I made a mistake, many of them. I'm not proud of it."

"Severus." Lily leaned forward in the chair, her elbows on her knees as she looked up into his eyes. "We lived in fear for nearly two years. We didn't know if we'd survive, if…" She drew in a shaking breath. "But, now he's gone, and Harry and I are still here."

He lifted a hand, covering his mouth for a moment. "If that's supposed to make me feel better you achieved the opposite."

"Can you just  _trust me_? Don't I deserve to know?"

"Don't you remember how angry you got when I used a slur against you? You wouldn't listen to a word a said, ignored my attempt at an apology or explanation.  _You_ cut  _me_  out over a word. This is so much worse."

"Severus, maybe you aren't the only one who's changed. War gives you perspective but, it was more than just a word to me. My years here left me feeling like an outcast, that I didn't really belong. There was an entire group of people who hated my very being over something I couldn't even control. I felt like I was clinging to the wizarding world. You weren't the first…or the last person to call me a mudblood. The fact that it came from you, the one person who made me feel like I really belonged, was what hurt so much."

He wanted to reach out, to sweep the falling hair out of her face, to brush her skin, but he restrained himself. "You have to know I regretted it the moment it crossed my lips. I don't wish to speak ill of the dead, particularly when James was so important to you, but his presence in this conversation is unavoidable." He paused, waiting for her to object, but she said nothing. "The four of them bloody tormented me, for years, both physically and mentally over my house, my existence, my appearance, things  _I_ couldn't control. They ambushed me at every turn before spinning it to make me look like the bad guy, that I deserved it. It culminated to the point that even I believed it.

My family was…broken to say the least. I looked forward to the day I could leave Cokeworth, I saw Hogwarts as my escape. It didn't take long for it to end up the other way around. Eventually I looked forward to home and dreaded school. I had no quality of life here, all because of them."

"You were able to get plenty of shots in on them as well. I've heard James' side."

"I'm sure you have." He glowered, wondering how much the other man had embellished, but it was true. He had brought his own unnecessary harm, had used his own dark spells. "You can't honestly tell me that four on one was fair. I would have gladly left them alone if they hadn't insisted on constant bodily harm. Do you remember how many fights we had over my interest in dark magic? Did you ever have the same conversation with James?"

She shook her head vehemently, an expression of older times covering her face. "No, he wasn't-"

"Except he  _was._ How could you ever think that using scourgify on a  _person_ , causing them to suffocate, to nearly lose consciousness wasn't dark? It's the intent behind the magic, not the magic itself that makes the action dark. Bombarda isn't considered to be a curse, what would you say if I used it on a person? Shattered their bones?"

"What's the point of all this?" Lily's voice was weaker than before, and he hoped he was getting through to her.

"Lily, he choked me and proceeded to hang me upside down before trying to remove my pants. You nearly laughed at the situation! You called me Snivellus, you know how much I hated that name. Yet I ended up being the bad guy because I called you a name in a moment of embarrassing rage. How would you feel if James threatened to remove a girl's shirt? Would you have stifled a giggle then? Or would you have acted like the prefect you were supposed to be and stopped it?

You weren't the only one who felt like a reject, a victim here. Every blasted day of my life here consisted of being told why I wasn't good enough. This was supposed to be a safe place." He thought of Dumbledore. "And the people who were supposed to protect me failed." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. "I can't even begin to apologize for what I said, to right the things I destroyed. I don't know how much clearer I can make my motives, but I need you to know it was a moment of impassioned anger and nothing else. I haven't used the word since."

When he opened his eyes again, her mouth was slack, and her eyes searched his face. "Didn't it stop? I thought that was the last thing he ever did to you…" Shame was written across her face.

"Stop? That wasn't even the worst incident! It merely continued behind your back." She didn't say anything, only continued her shocked expression. "Lily, would you be more inclined to join the people who fought to extinguish you? Or the ones that accepted you as you were?"

"Accepted." Her voice came out finally as a harsh whisper.

"Then is it really any question why I became a Death Eater?"

She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head slightly. "Severus…I can't even begin…how come you never told me?"

"That's just it, I tried to, and you returned to your common room."

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry-"

He reached out, grazing the skin of the back of her hand. A familiar jolt shot through him at the feeling of her creamy skin beneath his calloused fingers. "I didn't tell you this in search of an apology. I wanted you to understand why things ended up the way they did."

"And this has to do with your so-called secret?" Lily's voice was hopeful as she turned the conversation back to why she had come here in the first place.

He'd hoped she'd forgotten that. He opened his mouth to speak when another knock came at the door. He stepped towards it, undoing the muffliato and yanking it open. "Professor Quigg." He ground out in irritation.

"Good afternoon, Severus. I hoped to get your opinion on something." She smiled flirtatiously as she stepped into his office.

He cleared his throat, facing Lily. "If you wish to speak further on the matter, Mrs. Potter, feel free to drop by my office around 4:30."

Lily smiled weakly, exiting the room and Severus sighed in exasperation. "You needed something?"

She perched on the desk. "The second years and I are about to start our unit on dangerous creatures. I thought perhaps we could bring in some new ones and discuss their applications in potions as well."

"Bring in? I would hardly suggest allowing children near such dangerous beasts." He raised an eyebrow.

"It isn't of your concern. You would only teach the students how the beasts pertain to  _your_ area of study. I'll worry about the rest."

"What kind of animals are we talking about here?" He folded his arms across his chest. "There are many possibilities."

She shrugged as if she'd just thought of it. "Murtlap, swooping evil, maybe a graphorn."

"Are you  _mental?_  Dumbledore would never allow it."

"On the contrary, I think he'd like the initiative I'm taking. Potentially even offer me a different position."

Severus rolled his eyes. "You are risking the safety of students to save your own skin? Thank you for interrupting my rather important conversation for this." He straightened. " _If_ you get Dumbledore's approval, I will participate. But,  _only_ with potions. You'll get no help otherwise."

Xxxx

Having four hours to kill, Lily hunkered down inside The Three Broomsticks. She chose a table that gave her full view of the room. Her back was against the wall to prevent ambush she realistically knew wasn't coming, but couldn't help being afraid of. After living for so long fearing for her life and nearly losing it, protecting herself wasn't a habit she could just forget.

Staring into the amber glass of butter beer she mulled over what Severus had said. The grief she felt for James was suddenly complicated and even more painful. The love she felt for him wouldn't change, she didn't regret falling in love or marrying him, but she felt as though she'd been blinded. One of the worst parts about it all was her inability to get angry at him. She couldn't lash out at all the times he had lied, couldn't ask if he regretted it. She couldn't even ask what they had done behind her back.

They'd never discussed Severus, what reason did they have? He was no longer a part of her life. Other than a few whispers about what he had become, it was like he had never existed. Lily saw now how sad that was. Severus had been her closest friend since she was a child. He had been the one to introduce her to the very world in which she sat at that moment. He had given her so much and in return had been tossed aside.

She remembered that last fight as clear as day, the annoyance she felt when she saw James and his friends setting off towards Severus. How Severus' face had turned a brilliant red, out of embarrassment or anger she wasn't sure. Lily held her head in her hands. She even remembered the laugh she thought she had hidden so well. She had never realized that Severus had noticed it. It was no wonder now why he had called her a name.

Lily had always suspected his home life wasn't particularly ideal, but he'd never come right out and said it. She'd seen the strange, hand me down clothes he had worn during his time at home, even his robes appeared used, but she'd never attributed it to a "broken home". It seemed that James had picked at the very things Severus had been ashamed of.

He hadn't told her those things to hurt her, she knew it. She had practically forced it out of him. That didn't stop the rolling in her stomach or the guilty feeling in every part of her.

She'd been upset over losing Severus, even if she was the one to end their friendship. It was hard being forced to turn your back on someone that had been such a huge part of your life. She did what she thought was right at the time and James had been the one to comfort her. He'd apologized for antagonizing Severus and swore not to do it again because of how much it had upset her.

 _That wasn't even the worst thing he did._ She was dying to know what could possibly be worse than a near sexual assault. Lily couldn't help but feel that she had messed up time and time again. Severus had had an explanation for everything. If she had just listened to him then…maybe they wouldn't be caught up in this mess.

Xxxx

Lily patted at the wetness of her cheeks, trying foolishly to diminish the red blotches that stained them. She rapped insecurely on the door which was opened immediately, and she wondered if Severus had been waiting for her. His eyes narrowed momentarily at her presence before it disappeared again.

Peeking out into the stone hallway, he beckoned her to follow and she did. They arrived at a nondescript door she didn't remember being there. Severus unlocked it quickly and motioned for her to step inside before following her and locking the door again. Lily gazed around at what she realized was a miniature flat. They stood inside a small kitchenette and living space while a single doorway led to what she guessed was a bedroom.

Severus sat rigidly on the small, pale green couch and she briefly wondered if he ever relaxed. Each time she had seen him he was poised as if ready to run at a moment's notice. She realized then that his wand was kept in a similar manner. She'd seen it slide from his sleeve and into his hand, prepared for any attack.

He watched her seriously and Lily averted her eyes. The way that he looked at her confused her, as if he was always trying to figure her out. "You don't like that other Professor, do you?" it was an effort to diffuse the tension.

A crease appeared between his eyes. "If only she found it as obvious as you."

"What's so bad about her?"

"She's a bumbling idiot for one. Insisted on bringing a graphorn into the school this afternoon."

Lily fought the smile threatening to break out. "Not that tentacle faced one?"

"The same. She also insists on  _touching me._ " He shivered in disgust and Lily couldn't help the short exhale of laughter which earned her a glare. "I'm glad you find it so funny."

"No." She shook her head, still smirking. "It's just interesting to see how little you've changed in some ways."

Something on his face changed, but she wasn't sure what. He seemed to grow more solemn, looking first at the floor and then back at her. "This doesn't leave the room.  _Are we clear?"_ When she agreed to his terms he continued. "It's my fault James is dead, Lily."

She felt her heart fall into her stomach and her throat grow tight. "What?" She croaked finally.

"You're familiar with the prophecy?" Lily nodded, and he continued. "I overheard part of it while it was being delivered. I was the one who gave it to the Dark Lord."

"Severus…I…" She was speechless, shattered again. The corners of her eyes began to prick as tears threatened to fall once more. Her mouth opened, and she fought to form words.

"Your family quickly became of interest. As soon as I realized what I'd done I pleaded with Dumbledore to protect you, to hide you. I changed sides."

"It was you? You suggested the fidelius?"

"No, I suggested that you flee somewhere the Dark Lord couldn't find you. I was less than pleased to hear what path you'd chosen." Lily rubbed her eyes before allowing her hand to slip over her mouth. "I'm not proud of what I've done. The fact that you and Harry survived is miraculous."

"It was you, all along, it was  _you."_ She snapped.

"Yes." He didn't fight, didn't make up excuses for his actions.

Lily wanted to leave, to slam the door, but remained rooted to the spot. She watched Severus' façade drop fully for the first time. He fought to hide it, ducking his head for only a second as he regained control, but it was enough for her to catch the sheer anguish that was underneath.

"You weren't lying." It was a statement, not a question for she already knew the answer.

"Lying?" His face contorted into confusion.

"About changing your views."

"Lily, I've never lied to you."

She sat beside him finally, but kept her distance. There was silence between them that neither tried to break. She fought to digest the betrayal, the anger at what he had done and knew what needed to be asked. "If it hadn't been us, would you still have warned Dumbledore? Tried to save the other family?"

He appeared to be genuinely thinking over her question. "Yes, I believe so. You provided a sense of urgency I don't think another family could provide, but I'd like to think I would have come to my senses eventually."

"Did you serve him faithfully until then?"

"What are you implying?"

"I'm trying to understand the new you."

"New?" The confusion returned.

Lily nodded. "You're so…guarded. I used to be able to read you like a book, but now everything is closed off. You walk different, you talk different, it's like you're finally comfortable."

"I simply came to accept the things I've done rather than try to fight them. Occlumency, hiding things, is necessary when you serve the Dark Lord. Without it, he would have known what I'd done immediately. I served him faithfully, yes. He wished to place me inside the school. I failed the first time and received a punishment in return."

"So, you're here because You-Know-Who wants you to be?"

His eyes widened slightly. "I'm here because  _Dumbledore_ wants me to be. The Dark Lord believes I'm serving him when in actuality, Dumbledore is my only master."

"But he's gone, you've secured your freedom. Surely you don't need any 'master'?"

"Freedom? You honestly believe my dream job is teaching insufferable children? This is simply a part of the negotiation between Dumbledore and I. " Severus watched her in hesitation as he spoke. "The Dark Lord saw to it that he could not die. He will return. Until he can ultimately be defeated once and for all, this is where I remain."

Lily was gripped by a new fear. Her breathing began to quicken at the thought that she, and more importantly, her child, would have to face him again. Whenever she closed her eyes all she could see was Voldemort, the green stream of light aimed directly at her and Harry. His voice still rang in her ears, how he had asked her to stand aside.

She dropped her head between her legs to stem the hyperventilation. She'd been looking over her shoulder out of paranoia, not true belief he would return. She was afraid of rogue Death Eaters, but this was so much worse.

A comforting hand was laid lightly on her back. She could barely feel the weight of it, but it was there all the same. From her hunched position she could see his legs and knew that he remained in the same spot, that the only thing he had moved was his arm. Lily turned her neck slightly so that she could see him from the corner of her eyes. Severus stared back at her with a look of concern he had never easily showed.

She focused on breathing deeply for several minutes until the lightheadedness finally disappeared and her heart stopped pounding so bloody hard. Despite it all, she remained where she was. "Severus…I can't forgive you, not right now. I understand everything you've told me today, but that doesn't change the fact that I love James. Maybe things can change in the future, but right now it's too hard."

His usual mask took control again. She wished she could just  _see_ what he was feeling. "I hadn't expected it to be any other way."

"Thank you, for your honesty." She sat up again, brushing the hair from her face.

"You practically ripped it from me." Severus smirked. "You always knew how to get your way."

Lily batted her eyes, feigning innocence. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Ah, your humor is still intact as well." He stood finally, wiping what she assumed were sweaty hands on his trousers. "I'm afraid duty calls."

Lily nodded, biting her lip as she followed him again out of his makeshift home. As they hit the corridor, she watched him stroll away. In light of all the mind-boggling confessions, she somehow felt more confused than before.

 


	4. Hidden Feelings

Harry tottered along to where his toy broom lay some distance away from him. If he hadn't loved it so much Lily would have gotten rid of the thing. Sirius had given it to him as a present. He'd wormed his way into their hearts, pretended to care about them, vowed to keep them safe, then destroyed them from the inside. It was sick really, the promises he'd made, the lies he told, just to turn them over in the end. Poor, simple Peter had paid as well. Now Remus was the only one left of the boys.

She hadn't seen him since the day after the attack. Maybe she should have reached out, he'd lost almost just as much, three friends in one evening. But, she couldn't do it. It was just too painful to look into those big green eyes of his, almost as if it made the loss more real. So, instead she watched her son, day in and day out.

She loved all the time she spent with him, but she needed something to busy herself with. Just sitting here playing with him let her mind wander to things it shouldn't. How quickly James had gone, almost without a fight. She hadn't even heard him scream. If she hadn't stepped over his body that night she would have wondered if he'd even been there at all. He'd been devoted to them. It was no surprise to her that he'd told them to run and forgone attempting to save himself.

Then there was Severus. That wasn't a complication she'd anticipated. Lily found herself perplexed at his very being. The pieces of his past he had admitted to left a nasty taste in the back of her throat. She was furious with him still, could have strangled him if given the chance. It was  _his_ fault they had been put in the situation at all. If Severus hadn't passed along the prophecy her family might still be complete. On the other hand, he was also the reason she and Harry were still alive. He had condemned and saved them all the same.

That wasn't the only problem, however. It had been nearly a month since their last encounter, since he had confessed. She'd gotten the information she needed out of him and hadn't visited since. Severus had done the same. But, Lily hadn't been blind to the light down the street that signaled he was home. She noticed it regularly, every Tuesday and Friday night like clockwork, yet he hadn't wandered down on any of those occasions.

She leaned back, going to look out the window. She expected the light to flick on anytime.

"Petal." Her mother poked her head into the room. "You have a visitor."

Lily fought back a smile. Judging by the look on her mother's face and the time of night it had to be him. She scrambled to her feet, leaving Harry to tear around the room. "Severus." Lily greeted him in mock surprise.

He stood in the foyer, hands slipped self-consciously into his pockets with slumped shoulders. The meek stance put her off. He was so clearly out of his element here. His behavior wasn't abnormal for the Severus she had known as a child, but seemed uncharacteristic for the stubborn man he'd turned into.

"What are you doing here?" She wrapped her arms around herself.

His brow creased momentarily. "I'm not entirely sure myself." His eyes glanced above her shoulder and he gave a short nod off the head. "Cloris."

Lily followed his gaze to her mother who was standing just inside the doorway, a scowl etched into her features. A thump from the other room signaled that Harry was up to no good. In an instant, Severus wand had dropped into his hand before he seemed to collect himself, remembering where he was, and straightened. Lily watched him curiously for a moment before wandering in the direction of Harry. "Would you like to meet him?" She called over her shoulder.

"I'm not convinced that's bright idea." He remained rooted to the spot, his nose titched upwards and a slight curl to his lips.

Lily returned, bouncing Harry on her hip. "Are you planning to stand there all night? Or would you like to come in for some tea?"

"The latter." He responded after a moment.

" _Privacy, please?"_ She hissed to her Mum as she passed. Cloris stared at her, disgruntled, before finally turning away and leaving them be.

"She isn't a fan of mine, is she?" He questioned when they heard the click of a lock down the hall and we're safely in the kitchen.

"No, she's been rather vocal about her opinions." Lily set to boiling water, finding comfort in doing it the muggle way.

When she turned back, Severus had raised an eyebrow at her. "Is she aware of our situation?"

"I gave my word I wouldn't tell, didn't I?" He relaxed slightly, and she changed the subject. "I'm surprised you had the nerve to show up here, I seem to remember you commanding that I wouldn't show up at your door again."

"And you shouldn't. A majority of the Death Eaters have been rounded up. The few that remain will likely be laying low. Surveillance won't be their top concern anymore. Nevertheless, I still have to be careful."

She slid his cup towards him and they took awkward sips, not sure how to have an actual conversation any more. His eyes flicked to Harry's and Lily felt a smile creeping on to her face. She'd chased him for information and now he was here seeking what seemed to be companionship. "Do you hear from any of our classmates anymore?"

"Hear from? Until recently I spent the majority of my days in their company."

"Death Eaters, of course. That's not what I was getting at though."

"As in friendship?" He curled his lip into a sneer. "No, I spend my days with teenagers. As insufferable as I found them when  _I_ was one, that disgust has grown exponentially."

"You're alone then?" Her brow creased in concern, she'd hoped he had  _someone._

"Alone isn't the term I'd use. Minerva is a heartwarming, if stubborn, human being. Albus fits much of the same criteria."

"In other words, you converse with children and senior citizens."

His mouth flattened into a sort of smile. "Twenty-two isn't a common age at the school. Yourself?"

Lily stared down at her tea, leaning into the countertop and placing Harry back down who tore from the room. "Not for some time. Alice isn't exactly with us anymore and most of the others are dead. Things are tense with Remus right now, leaving my Mum and Harry."

Severus lifted a hand to cover a sarcastic smile. "In other words, you converse with children and senior citizens?" He repeated.

"You think you're so witty." She countered despite the growing grin. He cleared his throat suddenly, allowing the hard shell to return. "How long have you been practicing occlumency?"

He strummed a finger against his chin in thought. "I started studying it during our first year. But, only became serious about the topic when I met the Dark Lord."

Lily felt a gnawing in her stomach. "When was that?"

"Winter break of sixth year." His voice was emotionless, betraying nothing.

"Is that when you took the mark?"

"No, not until the following summer. I had to prove myself."

She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to know the answer. "How did you do that?"

"One of the Dark Lord's followers was accused of defecting. Another recruit and I were tasked with his demise." He avoided her eye as he spoke.

"Murder, then." She straightened, rethinking allowing him inside.

"No." His answer was firm. "That I've never done. There are many things I'm not proud of, but my soul remains intact."

Lily exhaled in slight relief before continuing in a quiet voice. "Can I see it?"

Severus didn't move, gave no indication that he'd heard her for a minute before finally undoing the buttons of his sleeve and raising it. "The Dark Lord's fall changed the appearance of the mark. It used to be more distinct."

She stared at the nearly blank arm in interest. It fascinated and horrified her all at once how much dangerous power a tattoo could hold. She reached out, placing the tips of her fingers on his skin and tracing the python. A jolt of electricity surprised her, and she pulled back, turning away. "What is it?" He asked suspiciously.

Lily stood with her back facing him. "Nothing. I…I think you should go." She listened, not hearing a word, but rather the shuffle of fabric as he replaced the buttons.

"Lily, I-"

"No, please don't." She forced the words through her tight throat and his voice stopped. She heard nothing other than the nearly silent sound of his footsteps as he did what she asked. When the front door finally clicked shut, signaling his departure, she lowered the shaking hand that held a tight grip on her glass, placing it down. Her hands came up to her face and the shaking extended to her shoulders and abdomen as she cried.

James had had nothing but utter repugnance for Severus. She could  _feel_ the vehement look he would be giving her then. Not just for inviting him in or exchanging friendly words, but for the unexpected tingle she had felt for Severus just then. She hadn't asked for it, hadn't realized those feelings we're even there, but there they were, as clear as they'd been years ago.

Lily was sick with herself. He'd done things to people she couldn't even imagine, had hurt them to an extent she wasn't even sure of. Her husband had been gone  _two months,_ had fought against the very thing Severus should be the last thing on her mind, but the feeling that something incredible was about to happen lingered still.

Xxxx

Severus was confused, to say the least. There had been such a sudden change in Lily's demeanor. A desire to touch him and immediately after to kick him out. He'd stayed frozen on the porch, trying to understand what had happened. He hadn't been  _meaning_ to spy on her, but the open curtains in the kitchen made it all too easy. Lily had asked him to leave before promptly falling apart. Through the soft light spilling out the window he could see her sobbing and forced himself to leave.

She'd treaded dangerously close to his reasoning for being there. Her questions about friends and the company he kept when he'd had none. It wasn't a matter he'd cared for, having learned to live with just the company of himself long ago. It didn't bother him anymore to live a life of solitude. Was it preferred? No, but he didn't mind. Lily had always been the exception to that rule, she still was.

Her mere presence was irresistible to him. He was drawn in by the lightness of her entire being. Lily was the one component that kept his life from ending completely, even if she wasn't in it. It was for that reason that her possible death had been the catalyst for him to learn occlumency.

Severus had struggled with its application, never quite satisfied enough with his ability to use it against Lord Voldemort without facing certain death. Keeping the prophecy a secret had never been a possibility when he was incapable of hiding anything. However, when he'd learned of the Dark Lord's intentions for the Potter family a fire had been lit underneath him. He'd tortured himself on almost an hourly basis to keep everything hidden. Until he could master it he couldn't protect them.

At the time, he'd been utterly terrified of Dumbledore, but had valued her life more than his own. He had valued hers more even when he asked the Dark Lord to spare her. Only when he knew it was safe to betray Voldemort did he. It did him no good to provide the details of the attack while being unable to hide the event from his master. It was a suicide mission and only left the Potters more vulnerable.

The fact that she couldn't see that was almost infuriating, that she questioned his motives consistently. If she'd paid any attention to their friendship over the years, she should know that it had  _always_  been about her.

The  _two_ of them had made too many mistakes to count, had hurt each other consistently. Yet, they always found their way back to each other, no matter how final it had seemed before.

Xxxx

"Wands down and Girding Potions up front. If you haven't perfected it in the time allotted you won't be able to." His words were punctuated by an explosion, causing his fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Ms. Dunwich, mastick has no place in today's potion. If the ingredient isn't out on the counter don't use it." His voice came out as a low growl. "10 points from Hufflepuff."

Severus reached out, snatching a potion from the student in front of him. As the pile on his desk grew and the mass of students got smaller, silence finally fell over the room. Few potions were the correct shade of pea green while others weren't even green at all. He sat heavily, leaning his elbows on the table and holding his tired head in his hands. Sleep came for him very rarely since he'd handed over the prophecy and rarer still with Lily hanging around.

"Professor?" A honeyed voice called out to him and his shoulders stiffened at the intrusion.

Dropping his hands and leaning back he found Lily smirking at him. He barely contained one of his own, finding her presence much more inviting than when he'd expected a student. "You're late for detention. That's fifty points I'm afraid."

Lily gave an over exaggerated pout before changing the subject. "How come you never take your lunches? It's rather useful to get a hold of you, but I can't help wondering."

He gestured to a pile of rolled parchments on the corner of his desk and the potions beside it. "I'd rather take the opportunity to get some work done. It frees up my evening for more important tasks."

"Such as detentions?"

"Among other things."

"You were rather harsh on them." She folded her arms over her chest and Severus rolled his eyes.

"You would be too if you dealt with their incompetence on a daily basis. Did you come here for some reason other than questioning my methods?"

"After you left the other night I was thinking about Alice." Lily looked down for a second, fiddling with her fingers. It was clear she was growing upset again.

He felt a pit growing in his stomach. He'd hoped the tears she'd shed that night might have been for him and now they clearly weren't. "What about her?" He cleared his throat.

"The hospital doesn't expect her or Frank to improve, that this how their life will always be. There just  _has_ to be something we can do."

"We?"

"I need to do something with my life now that I'm not in hiding and this just feels right. I want to try and create a potion, potentially a spell, that could work towards helping people like them. I can't do it without you."

Severus placed a finger to the slight cleft in his chin. "It's not entirely feasible. Heartwarming?" He frowned, tilting his head slightly. "Yes. But, it'll be expensive and time consuming. We'd need to run trials which would be difficult if they can't give consent."

"You'll do it then?"

He scoffed at her tenacity, shaking his head. "Yes." Lily quickly rounded the table, enveloping him in a tight squeeze. Severus froze at her touch before finally patting her back awkwardly. "Don't get your hopes up. We would need to know if there's even a chance at this before we start working on it."

She backed up finally, a blush filling her cheeks. "Did Professor whatever bring in those creatures?"

"Quigg? No, not until next week." He scowled "This pertains to your idea how?"

"It seems like an opportunity to collect potential ingredients while being disguised as a teaching opportunity." She lifted a shoulder lightly before dropping it back down.

"I'll consider it."

Lily looked over her shoulder at the still quiet hallway, but muttered beneath her breath anyway. "It'll be a way to right some of your wrongs."

Severus' face grew solemn at the mention, but he said nothing, and they fell into an awkward silence again.

"Girding potion, huh? I don't believe we were taught that one."

"No. Slughorn was teaching quite a few unnecessary potions. I was given permission to change some of them to ones that will actually be useful." His glance shot to the door and he dropped his voice. "Against  _him_."

"Slughorn was never one for planning things."

Severus rolled his eyes. "The state he left the classroom in was absurd. I had several months of work just organizing."

"How soon after the predication did you start?"

"Around the time Harry was born, I presume. It was made in March " A grim expression came over his face. He had no desire to discuss this again. Severus eyed the amount of work that was waiting for him, work he had intended to make a dent in this afternoon. He reached up, scratching the back of his head. "I'm afraid I have a mountain of assignments to grade." He exhaled in disappointment. "I'll see what I can find out about the potion later this week."

Lily reached out, give his hand a fast, but firm squeeze. Severus desired to yank it from her grip, knowing it was nothing more than a friendly gesture. She was the only one he didn't recoil from, the only one allowed to offer any kind of a gesture. She always had been. "Thank you…Sev." She gave him one last, sincere smile before turning to exit.

Severus couldn't help but watch her hips sway slightly as she walked from the room. He swallowed hard. It had been difficult enough to learn the first time she would never be interested in him, he wasn't sure he could do it again. It seemed, however, that he didn't have a choice.

 


	5. At the Surface

Lily reached out, stroking the silken, uniform feathers of the familiar screech owl. Her eyes blinked closed at Lily's touch, giving in. She admired the bird's auburn feathers that were mingled with white and deep brown, giving her the appearance of tree bark. With one final graze down the bird's grey beak, Lily slipped a finger into the meticulously tied bow around Freyja's leg.

There was no signature, there needn't be, Lily had been there the day Severus picked the owl. If she hadn't been enough of a sign of who the letter was from, the slopping scrawl inside was. The message was simple and devoid of ink spots, signaling the care with which he had written the note, the same care everything else was given.

_Seven o'clock this evening, apparate inside._

It was Friday again, Lily instinctively looked up, eyes going to the dark, brick house down the street. It was only mid afternoon, he wouldn't be expecting her for some time, likely wouldn't even be there himself until later that evening.

Harry burbled on the floor beside her, hands reaching upwards for the owl. She lifted him, breaking out of her trance as Harry patted Freyja on her head. He smiled softly, murmuring to himself before his attention was caught by something else and he requested down. Lily watched him tear to the other side of the room where her Mum had just entered. His arms were now raised to her, the animal forgotten.

His grandmother scooped him into her arms with a smile meant only for him. A down turned glance was spared for Lily instead, for Cloris too recognized the owl who had so frequently visited them in the past. "What are your intentions with that man?"

"Purely academic." Lily lied, sliding an old rat's tail from her robe pocket and into the owls mouth. She gobbled it eagerly before taking flight.

"Lily." Cloris sighed with a pinched look on her face. "Have you forgotten what he did to you?"

"On the contrary, I've been enlightened to the fact." She grinned despite the growing irritation.

"I seem to remember one very distraught young lady after you ended things with him. Forgive me for not wanting to see it again. He's…" She paused, searching for the right word as Harry was bounced on her hip. "…disturbed."

" _Mum."_ The word came out more exasperated than she had meant it to. "Perhaps I was the one that overreacted. This time with James, in hiding, I've learned a lot about myself. That using the term 'mudblood' isn't the worst thing someone could do." She spared her mother the fact that Severus had done those things as well.

"What  _about_ James?" She edged toward Lily who hadn't left the window. "Doesn't his opinion matter at all?"

Lily stared back as though she had been struck across the cheek. "He's dead.". She forced the heavy word. "I have to do what's best  _now,_ and I believe Severus is the answer."

Cloris reached her finally, placing a hand on her cheek. "I've seen the way you look at him, petal. Before and now. You can't help who you fall in love with, but remember that Harry is most important. The distance with which the Snape boy regards him isn't right."

Lily lifted her own hand, placing it on top of her mother's. "I'm not falling for him, its been too soon. To even imagine someone's touch other than James…" She trailed off, imagining just that, the way the air seemed charged with electricity and wrackspurts when Severus was concerned.

"The problem isn't that you're falling, its that you never  _stopped."_

Lily stared back at her, unable to refute the statement. For sometime during their Hogwarts' days, she and Severus had neared being more than just friends. They'd begun spending more time together, exchanging words of nothingness rather than studying or discussing topics that  _did_ matter. Maybe that was why the explosion between them had been so painful, more than a friendship had been lost.

Xxxx

Severus heard a soft pop come from the front of his home, signaling her arrival. He tilted his wrist upwards, glancing down at the timepiece on his arm he found that it was precisely seven as he had requested. He wandered to the living room with an irritating sense of  _giddiness_ growing. As he rounded the doorway and the bookshelf lined walls he stopped in his tracks for Lily wasn't alone.

She smiled unsurely at him, but Severus only had eyes for her child, the clone of James Potter. He tried to fight the growing contempt he knew Harry didn't deserve, tried to focus on the evergreen eyes he shared with his mother, but found himself unable to push all thoughts of James from his mind. "He has your eyes." Severus stated obviously, his own flicking from the boy's face and up to Lily's.

"I  _am_  his mother." She teased though her faltering smile betrayed any confidence she wanted him to believe.

"it's a shame he didn't inherit more of you." The words stopped abruptly, having realized just how inappropriate it was of him to say. "I apologize. It's only fair that he should resemble your husband as well."  _The blighter,_  Severus thought to himself before changing the topic. "I'm afraid my place is rather the opposite of being child proof. I hadn't expected him to come."

"There wasn't much of a choice, Mum is helping Petunia tonight." Lily shifted the weight of her child to the other side which seemed to trigger something in Severus. Despite noting the lack of Lily's childish nickname for her sister, he zoned in fully on Harry again.

"May I?" He held his hands out awkwardly toward her and a cloudiness appeared in her eyes before disappearing as suddenly as it had come. Lily stepped closer, passing the toddler over which Severus accepted stiffly.

"First time holding a baby?" She questioned, smirking.

"That obvious, is it? I suppose the time had to come eventually." He so readily wanted to pass Harry back, to cancel the meeting  _he_ had requested and busy himself with something more meaningful. Severus was afraid now would be the time he developed a sense of klutziness, that he would drop the child and end up with the boys blood on his hands anyway.

Xxxx

"You're doing fine." Lily reassured him, the hesitation on Severus' face apparent. She was grateful however that he had even offered to try and even more grateful that Harry hadn't recoiled at Severus' touch. It would be fitting for her son to pick  _then_ to throw a tantrum.

He hadn't met many strangers in his life time, having spent most of it closeted inside one building with the same individuals surrounding him. Instead of acting out like Lily had expected, Harry seemed fascinated, reaching out to graze Severus' cheek. "Is there a place I can put him down?" She asked, noticing Severus' wearing patience. He passed the child back to her and beckoned for her to follow which she readily did.

She'd only been inside his house the one other time, when she had accosted him almost two months ago. The interior was exactly what she had expected from Severus: a single armchair next to a roaring fire while book shelves lined every possible inch of wall. Through the doorway in which he had come through she could see a pristine, white kitchen, it lacked the brooding quality she had expected given his persona and left her eager to see the rest.

One of the many bookcases swung open suddenly, breaking her from her thoughts. Behind it was a small set of stairs she hadn't expected. She followed him up the narrow walkway and into an area that was unlike that of her own childhood home. It was much smaller, with only three doorways off of the landing.

Severus paused, seeming to decide just what to do. He glanced at the door nearest them before seeming to decide against it and stepping to the very last one. It was pushed open with a creak, revealing a small, also dimly lit, bedroom. It was furnished with only a bed and armoire. The deep green, almost black blanket was too pristine, too perfect for it to have been recently made. Lily found herself wondering just how little time he spent here.

"This will do?" He assumed with a questioning eyebrow and Lily assented that it would. She removed her own wand from an interior pocket, conjuring a cot for the babe. She'd come with Harry fully prepared in a new nappy and jammies, leaving only that of putting him to bed. She placed him down with a gentle kiss to the top of his forehead and brushing the long, black locks from his face. Harry cried then, realizing just what was happening and she attempted to shush him.

From the corner of her eye she saw only Severus' back which froze at the sound of tears before stepping swiftly from the room. With a song of goodnight, Lily followed suit. She shut the heavy door behind her, unsure of just how much noise their night together would produce. It occurred to her then, as she watched Severus finish rolling his sleeves, that she didn't even know why she was here, she hadn't even questioned it.

Her eyes risked a glance at his forearm where the faint outline of the dark mark was visible just beyond the rolled up fabric.

"You're a good Mum." He assured her suddenly, causing a rosy blush to fill her cheeks.

"What am I doing here, Severus?"

His brow furrowed momentarily, as if just why she was here was obvious. "The potion?" He reminded her. "I've been looking into it."

"Oh." The blushed deepened, but if he noticed he didn't let it show. She followed him downstairs again and into the kitchen. Severus approached a nearby counter top, lifting a stack of parchment before sitting at the nearby table. She followed, sitting beside him and tipping her head so she could read what had been written. "It's a list of ingredients."

"Yes, possibilities." His fingers fumbled past each page. "I thought the wiggenweld potion would be a good starting point. Although rather powerful, it's used only to repair minor damage. I find it highly unlikely that St. Mungo's would have skipped over such a routine potion."

"I thought wiggenweld was used primarily to awaken someone? Being conscious is not the problem."

"I'm aware." He stated to her surprise. She hadn't thought about him knowing what had happened to them.

"How were the Death Eaters able to achieve such damage? It's practically unheard of."

"It's rather routine, actually." He exhaled. "Only it typically precedes death. Bellatrix is rather fond of the cruciatus curse. It was under her instruction, and partially control, that this happened. I believe she abandoned the task when the Dark Lord fell, leaving them alive. She'll be one of the first ones punished for failing the mission when the Dark Lord returns."

"I thought we were the targets? Why did he go after the Longbottoms too?"

"You were, or rather, Harry was." Lily felt a jolt of pleasure go through her at the sound of her son's name on Severus' lips. "Frank and Alice didn't take as much care when it came to hiding themselves. It was simply too easy for the Dark Lord to want them as well, a precaution perhaps."

"Why do you call him that?" Lily lifted her fingers in air quotes. "The Dark Lord."

An expression of puzzlement flickered across his face and Lily realized he was beginning to show more of himself to her. "It is part of our instruction, a way for us to remember just  _who_ is in charge."

"What's the point of naming himself 'Lord Voldemort' if he doesn't allow even his own followers to use it?"

Severus scoffed lightly, seeming to find it genuinely humorous "I'll be sure to ask him when I'm given the chance." He flipped farther through the list of ingredients and notes he had taken, appearing to look for a specific name. "Ah, another option is galanthus nivalis." Lily felt her features contort into that of confusion, causing him to smirk again. "Snowdrop. Incredibly, it's used to treat memory loss even in the muggle world. There's hellebore and jobberknoll as well. I suggest we begin by altering the wiggenweld with one of these. Luckily for us they're all fairly cheap and easily accessible."

"Cost isn't a problem." She assured him, knowing just what she wanted her fortune to be used for.

"Potter, of course." The previous smirk curdled into a snarl at the mention of her husband's name before Severus regained control.

"What about the creatures? I thought you were going to obtain samples?"

"The graphorn is classified XXXX." He rolled his eyes. "Amazingly, Professor Quigg was unable to gain permission for one of those. The swooping evil was only allowed in with an expert. It's venom however can be used to erase bad memories which could prove useful. Essence of murtlap doesn't pertain here, dealing more with physical injuries."

"You weren't able to get any of it then?" She spoke with an air of disappointment.

"Not yet. I spoke with Newt about the potion and obtaining potential ingredients. He's agreed to help us."

"Newt." She responded, dismayed. " _Newt Scamander?_ "

"The same." Severus sat back, folding his arms. "They were his creatures we brought in. I've spoke to him on occasion in the past."

"Merlin, Sev." She stared at the amount of work he had done for her, the research and the notes he had taken, even speaking with one of the experts of their world. In comparison she had done nothing other than bring up the idea. "I could kiss you right about now." The words left her mouth without her entirely realizing what she was saying. As a result, an awkward silence was left between them. "It's an expression." She hurried on finally, risking a glance at his face. It was now more than ever that she wished he wasn't so closed off, that she could see just what he was thinking. This time he didn't allow any emotion to flicker through the tired façade, gave no indication that he had even heard her.

Lily thought back to what her Mum had said mere hours before and found that perhaps she was right. Her eyes fell from his face, looking again at the wooden table as her hands fiddled in knots. She wished she was as skilled as he in the area of occlumency, that her embarrassment, her desire wasn't so bloody obvious. Taking in a large breath, she prepared herself for what she was about to ask. "Was there ever…  _more_ for you?"

"More?" He asked in the same, measured voice.

"Mum seems to be under the impression that I was interested in being more than friends."

Finger on his philtrum he eyed her curiously. "And were you?"

"It's been so long, I'm frankly not sure any more."

"Yes." He responded simply, causing her eyes to snap to his, the uneasiness to stall. "There was more." His gaze moved off of her, falling to the parchments in front of him with a sort of dumbfounded look. "There's always  _been_ more."

"Been?" Her voice was tinged with a hopefulness that she didn't understand. Severus stood suddenly, back towards her. A kettle was set on the stove before he walked from the room. She sat awkwardly, wondering if she should follow. As the seconds ticked by and he hadn't returned she scooched her chair backwards, making to stand.

He was back suddenly, a small, brown box in his hand. His feet stayed glued to the floor as if he was trying to decide if he should share what was inside. Severus' mouth opened momentarily before closing again wordlessly and he handed it to her.

Leaving her to examine the contents of the box alone, he waited impatiently, distractedly for the tea kettle to boil. Lily slipped off the lid of the box, gasping at what she found inside. "You kept them?"

"All of them."

Her fingers went to the torn pieces of parchment that had curled around the edges. Small tidbits of information were scrawled on each of them, some containing one word while others sentences. She lifted one in particular that had a cartoonish looking dragon drawn in the corner. Rubbing her thumb over the long ago dried ink she turned to face Severus who was carefully avoiding her.

"But, they're nothing." She picked up another which simply read  _'today, lake.'_

"They aren't  _just_ nothing." He huffed. "They were all I had left of you. I thought your life was going to be immortalized in a series of notes between friends. I couldn't bare to part with them." He closed his eyes, ignoring the whistle that filled the room from the boiling water. "When will you understand that it's  _always_ been you?"

A ball was beginning to form in her stomach. The betrayal of emotion she had wanted only moments before had been thrust before her suddenly, giving way to an intense feeling of guilt. She felt it in every fiber of her being as she looked still through the small box. Buried at the bottom she found a faded yet still moving picture of the two of them. They stood in the stone station of King's Cross, just beyond the barrier to nine and three quarters. The brilliant red steam engine billowed behind them as they looked at each other with gleeful smiles before back at the camera with a wave.

She felt her knees bending, felt the steps she took toward him, but was lost in a sort of trance. His face was the only thing that she could fully comprehended. She paused, inches from him and he straightened to his full height, allowing trepidation to show through his features.

Lily stretched up on her toes, allowing her breath to come out softly against his. Her eyelids drooped as she looked down towards his pale pink lips, ones she could so easily brush hers across. Her lips parted slightly as she closed the remaining distance between them.

It didn't take long for Severus to reciprocate, the arms that had been slack at his sides going to entwine around her waist. He pressed her closer with a gentleness she hadn't realized she craved until having finally gotten it. His mouth moved against hers, opening and closing slowly until finally she broke the connection. He leaned forward ever so slightly, hesitant to end the kiss. Lily watched as his tongue darted from his mouth, running over the soft skin she had just been locked with.

She reached up, hand laying on the buttons of his clothes, just below his chin. Her eyes connected with his one last time and she saw a clearness there she hadn't seen in years, one he had kept hidden from her until that moment. "There was more for me too."


	6. Unexpected Complications

" _Lily."_  Her name rolled pragmatically off his tongue and she shrunk back down, feet flatly on the ground. Severus glanced over at the work that they'd abandoned, unsure where to take the conversation despite knowing what needed to be said.

"I know." She replied despondently, sucking her teeth.

"I'm not aware of your intentions, but it should serve as a reminder that despite being reformed, I am still a Death Eater." He spoke tonelessly, eyes unfocused. What he wouldn't give to scoop her in his arms and ravish her there and then. The rationality of it, however, proved it was not possible.

Lily reached out like she had done before, the tips of her fingers grazing against the skin of his forearm. From the lines in her forehead he could easily surmise her mind was elsewhere. "It's too soon." She breathed after a stretch of silence. "Three months isn't nearly enough time."

Severus gave a jerk of his head. "I will help you with this rather ambitious endeavor, but I must ask that our relationship remains purely professional." He couldn't risk losing her again. He would rather take the chance of remaining only friends and keeping her alive instead of allowing himself to remember how deeply he had fallen in the past just to have her slip through his fingers yet again.

She backed off fully, throwing a chunk of fallen hair over her shoulder and straightening her robes. "How long do you think it will take for us to have a testable prototype?"

"Some of the ingredients we wish to use are poisonous if not brewed correctly. I'm not aware of any interactions with the ingredients, but it could still be an unexpected problem. If things run smoothly, I would hope it's safe enough for preliminary tests in a few months." His mind had already begun to calculate the best ways to go about it. What amounts should be used of each, if they should be cut or crushed, there were far too many variables to consider. "You will have to be the one to gain permission. This project will solely be under your name. I can't have mine attached to it."

"It was foolish of me to think this would be possible." She huffed, frustration appearing in her brow again.

Severus nodded. "It's ambitious and unlikely to work, but I think the Longbottoms would be ecstatic to know you're trying. If anyone can do it, it's you." He wanted to reach out and brush her arm reassuringly. The touch of her mouth on his, the succulent, blush colored skin. He rolled the tip of his tongue over his lips again, remembering how it had felt.

The dim lighting of the room glinted off the vibrance of her hair and intensified every freckle on her skin. The kiss had been unexpected, to say the least. But, it had been worth the wait all these years. The movement of her body against his left him feeling as though he'd stepped into the sunlight. The warmth of it was shattered by the knowledge they could never be more than this.  _Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all._ What a load of bollocks.

She was close enough still for him to reach out and brush the skin of his cheek. He knew better, he should have restrained himself, but he did it anyway. Her lips came up in the briefest of smiles and the corners of her eyes turned downwards. He gave a similar, half smile in response, devastated at what he was giving up  _again._

The familiar scent of her lingered on his clothes and in the space between them. The fragrant jasmine that hounded his senses, threatening to take over. It was as much a part of her as her brilliant red hair, something he would always associate with her no matter how many years had past. The small, budded flower signified Lily and brought a cloud of relaxation over him. As he breathed it in he realized that he was staring unfocused at her and let his hand finally drop.

"What is it?" Her voice was soft, almost as if she was afraid to break the moment. Severus let the silence stretch out between them. That was nearly as complicated an answer as her previous questions had been and one he wasn't entirely sure of himself. All he knew was that he didn't want to take his eyes off the perfectly imperfect woman before him.

A cry from above them came suddenly, breaking the spell once and for all.

Xxxx

"You said I was in the clear." Severus growled. He loomed overbearingly over the Headmaster's desk, rage and frustration flashing in his eyes.

Dumbledore remained unfazed by the intimidating position. He was slouched backwards in relaxation, almost bored by the situation. "You were. Unfortunately, the public is still in a bit of a panic. The Ministry has returned to scrutinizing those they previously let run free."

He gaped wordlessly for a moment in disbelief. "What's the protocol here? It's not unlike them to send the accused to Azkaban without even the hint of a trial." Severus felt the palms of his hands growing sweaty in increasing anxiety at the situation.

"Ah, but not everyone has the head of the Wizengamot on their side. I'll be able to ensure you a trial."

It should have made him feel better, but brought up an even stronger feeling of dread. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "And privacy? How do I prevent my supposed proven innocence from getting back to the Dark Lord?"

"We'll have to request a trial with no visitors and as few members of the Wizengamot as possible. It would be wise to restrict the access of Malfoy and Yaxley."

"This job is a death sentence." Severus sighed dramatically. "If the Ministry doesn't condemn me, the Dark Lord will." He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. Severus fought to focus on the whirring of machines behind him in an attempt to distract himself.

"Should you have-"

"I am well aware what I  _should_ have done." He snapped, dropping his hand. "But seeing as it's no longer an option, I'll have to work with what little advantage I do have."

"Should they arrest you, send for me immediately. The Aurors will need to know that I'm your representative."

"An arrest warrant has been issued for me, then. Very well." He didn't even try to mask the irritation in his voice. Although he took it out on Dumbledore, the fury was reserved for himself, for the mistakes he had made and the position he put himself in. He was relieved then when the sound of a young voice spoke the password to the office, the words reverberating around the chamber and signaling the arrival of someone else. More specifically, he was relieved for the dismissal and pushed himself forcefully from the room.

Xxxx

Lily stood impatiently outside the door. No light shine from underneath, suggesting he wasn't in, but still she knocked. She tapped her foot in anticipation as she waited. The silence stretched out and she tried jiggling the door knob, despite knowing it'd be locked. Severus hadn't been home in nearly two weeks and she was anxious to speak with him. With a huff she wandered father down the hall and to the door she knew led to his quarters.

In comparison to that of his office, the sound of life came from inside as feet shuffled towards the door at her insistent knock. It was finally answered with a creak, revealing only the face of a disgruntled Severus. She was taken back by the look of him, the ever increasing greasy hair and dark bags under his eyes. Seeing that it was her he stepped back wordlessly, allowing her inside. He spoke only when the door was locked again, leaving the two of them alone. "It's rather early."

She stared down at his ratty muggle clothes, so different from that of his regular robes. They were a dark gray, but the only noticeable reason for the change of color in his wardrobe seemed to be age. "I didn't realize you'd be holed up in here."

He lifted his arms up before slapping them back down at his sides. "Well, here we are. What can I do for you?"

Lily was put off by his ornery tone and folded her own arms across her chest defensively. "I spoke to the Longbottoms. I've been waiting for you in Cokeworth." She paused, giving him a chance to answer that he clearly ignored. "Augusta Longbottom was hesitant, but she gave her consent eventually. Alice is estranged from her family, I'm not sure where to find them." Severus nodded curtly and she pushed further still. "Have you made any progress toward the potion?"

"No. I haven't touched it since last we spoke. I'm afraid it'll have to wait. There's a potential I'll have to drop out of the project."

She didn't understand the sudden standoffishness when he had been so warm on their last encounter. "What do you mean?"

He chewed his tongue in thought. "They're rounding up Death Eaters again. There have been some lingering incidents they expect we're connected to. Likely some of them are."

"Which includes you." Her voice was one of disappointment which surprised her. A year ago she might not have cared what happened to him, she might not have even known, yet she felt a familiar ache in her stomach. It bothered how saddened she was by it, how fast she had grown to care for him again. Despite her being the one to end the kiss, Severus had been the one to prevent a second.

She was okay with it, confused by her own feelings. Her brain felt muddled with all the information she'd received and the changes that occurred. She felt guilty for feeling  _anything_ for  _anyone_ other than James, particularly after such a short period of time. But, the inexplicable longing was there all the same and she found herself frightened at the mere thought of losing him again. "I'll help." She blurted.

"Help?" His eyebrows flickered inwards for a second.

"Well, what do you need exactly?"

"I'm afraid there isn't much anyone can do. I have just as much evidence against me as I do for me. I'll have to rely on Dumbledore." He grimaced, nonplussed about needing any help.

"Sev, you're an entirely different human being than when we were kids. I don't doubt the fact that you fight for the light. Dumbledore isn't the only one who can prove your innocence."

"Absolutely not." His voice was firm. To anyone else the mask he wore seemed cold and distant, but his resolve in front of her was beginning to crack again. There was a warmth there Severus wouldn't have shown even mere weeks before. Lily was beginning to work her way back to what they'd had before. Behind those stony eyes lay something that shone like gratefulness. "It's too dangerous. Azkaban isn't too out of the question for the things I've done." He flexed his left hand absentmindedly.

"Azkaban." The word rolled along her tongue. She shouldn't have been surprised to hear that was a possibility. Perhaps it was the fact she knew he didn't deserve to go, that the sliver of old Severus that remained would be lost permanently should he receive a fate similar to Sirius'. "How soon will you know?"

"Whenever the Aurors come knocking. I'm half surprised they haven't stormed the castle yet."

There it was, the reason he'd remained at Hogwarts even on his off evenings and the reason he looked like utter garbage. He was afraid of returning to Cokeworth and being arrested.

"You've told me more than once that it's dangerous for us to be seen together. Does that apply to other muggleborns? Or just me?"

His head tipped sideways ever so slightly, contemplating her question. "It isn't safe for anyone, but you in particular." Severus' mouth flattened into a thin line and his typically glittering black eyes clouded over in thought. "Have you heard of an unbreakable vow?"

Lily paused in hesitation. The name was familiar, she felt as though he might have mentioned it before in a form of fascination. "It's dark magic, isn't it?"

"Not exactly, it's more complicated than that. If broken the perpetrator will die." The tone of his voice was so matter of fact, as if such a thing was a normal part of life.

"You made one?" She was horrified at the very idea that he had taken such a drastic measures to prevent…well she wasn't sure. "Why?" She asked, shifting in her spot. The act seemed so intimate and it left her feeling uncomfortable. "Why would you risk yourself like that?"

Severus gave a light chuckle, causing her frown to deepen despite the brief smile that cracked on to his lips. "It was the Dark Lord." The grin faltered, slipping into a more serious and downtrodden expression. "When I learned of his intentions following the prophecy I was desperate. I asked him to spare you."

"I never mistook you for an idiot." Lily smiled as a confusion crept into his face and his head was cocked to the side further still. "Voldemort seeks to eliminate my kind, why would you even ask him such a thing?"

"I thought it was my only option. That's where the vow comes in, The Dark Lord actually agreed to let you live. In doing so he created a vow by mistake. His magic is volatile and unpredictable at times. It's not surprising that such a thing could happen."

 _Stand aside silly girl!_ The shrill voice rang in her ears again, sending her back in time. The bloodless skin and dead eyes seared into her memory as he had bored down on them. Voldemort had aimed for her, had meant to kill her, and as a result had broken his promise. "It was you, you're the reason we're still alive."

Severus shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Entirely unintentional."

She ignored the put down he gave himself, making a connection. She unfolded her arms, placing a hand on her hip instead and popping it out to the side. "Will it really be a surprise to Lord Voldemort if he learns we're together?" Lily stopped speaking abruptly, realizing what she had said. "That we've reconnected, I mean."

"No, I'm sure he expects it. Nevertheless, we shouldn't give him any reason to harm you or Harry. It would be unwise to endanger my life even more. I won't make a very good spy from the grave."

"Forget the fact that you have other reasons to live." She scoffed jokingly, but Severus didn't reply. He instead pulled back one of his long sleeves slightly, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

"I'm afraid there's a Hogsmeade visit today. I have supervision duties." He groaned at the last words, clearly wanting to remain in his cave.

"I'll come with you." The words escaped her lips before she fully even comprehended the idea. Severus' irritation was clear, they'd just gone over the very reason that wasn't possible. "I can transfigure my appearance, it isn't out of the question. We can get a drink at the Three Broomsticks." He was quiet for a moment, mulling over the idea. The rumination was apparent in his eyes and the fact that he even had to consider the notion caused a warm blush to creep up her throat and into her cheeks. "Maybe now would be a good time to focus back on the potion, should you remain a part of it." She reasoned.

"It isn't entirely out of the question."

Lily felt the ancient sensation of fluttering in her stomach and wanted to kick herself for the excitement she shouldn't have. She watched as Severus padded away from her, bare feet slapping against what had to be cold stone. He slipped wordlessly through a doorway and the sound of running water was heard behind the closed door.

She looked around herself, examining the unfamiliar and suddenly intimate area. She couldn't help feeling as though she shouldn't be there and waited impatiently for when they could leave. Taking advantage of the privacy, Lily aimed her wand towards herself and muttered a series of spells. Her long red locks shrunk into cropped, platinum blonde ones and the deep, hunter green eyes were changed to a crystalline blue before she finally settled on the nearby couch.

The sound of dripping water stopped suddenly and she pretended to be intensely focused on the wall across from her. Her face was kept turned away from the room Severus had slipped into, but she watched him leave from the corners of her eyes.

The previously slick hair now dripped across his bare shoulders as the wet strands clung to his pale skin. He kept a towel wrapped around himself, covering as much as possible, before slipping embarrassedly into another room. The glimpse she'd received of him was short, but it had been enough.

A long scar was etched across the curve of his right shoulder blade while another began at the base of his neck and crept beneath his pitch black hair. She found herself wondering just where they had come from and if he had any more. Her thoughts were broken when he stepped back out, dry and covered in his regular robes. It occurred to her then that she'd only seen him wear long sleeves. They'd been rolled partly up his forearms not too long ago, but she hadn't paid attention. Now she was curious just what else lay beneath the clothing that apparently served as a second mask.

Xxxx

Lily had walked the short distance from the castle and into Hogsmeade village quite a few paces behind him. It was enough to throw off suspicion that they were together, but close enough that she could hear every word he said. He assailed nearly every student they had come upon in the scattered crowd. He was quick to snap at them and docked points for what she had thought were minor things.

The position of his arm reminded her that his wand remained available at all times, only taking a second to appear in his hand. She wondered, not for the first time, what had made him so quick to draw it. A group of teenagers was hardly threatening, particularly when he was in charge of them, but she seemed to sense a fear that appeared whenever an opportunity for ambush arose.

When they were finally in the simple pub did he relax, his shoulders dropping ever so slightly. They were seated at a corner table that gave him view of the entire room. It was not unlike the fear she felt, even she still found herself in similar situations, unwilling to let anyone come up behind her. Lily knew that he had chosen this spot for far more than supervision.

He sipped thoughtfully from the glass of alcohol in front of him, his regular he had called it, but otherwise remained silent. She followed suit, not saying a word and letting him dictate the situation. When she was beginning to think this idea had been a bust she heard the well known buzzing in her ears that let her know a muffliato had been cast.

"I looked through the notes you gave me. It's overwhelming just how many ingredients could have the potential of working, or rather the opposite." She sipped tentatively from her own butterbeer, the early morning sweetness that invaded her senses.

"The ability of the ingredients are dictated by more than just the items themselves. The way some of them interact with others has just as much, if not more, importance. It will be a rather complicated process trying to figure out just what exactly to use without killing anyone."

Lily rubbed her forehead. The idea had seemed much simpler when it occurred to her. "Where do we even begin?"

"Adding minimal amounts to a previously existing potion until we can achieve a potency we want. Luckily there are spells to help determine toxicity, diminishing the danger."

"That should reassure Augusta."

"The danger isn't  _gone_ , just less likely. We could still easily kill them both." His eyes darted suddenly to a flurry of activity in the doorway. Lily instinctively looked towards his wand hand and found that he was already prepared. In an instant, Severus swore under his breath as he undid the muffliato.

"Severus Snape?" The voice was commanding and she turned towards it. "You're under arrest for suspected Death Eater involvement and supporting You-Know-Who." The man's own wand was removed as Severus stood. Lily could feel the utter rage and betrayal emanating off of him as students and other visitors watched the situation unfold. A brilliant, blue doe sprouted from the tip of his wand suddenly before trotting towards the castle.

As quickly as Severus had cast the spell he handed his wand over to the Auror in front of him. His wrists we're yanked behind his back as a magical binding came from the Auror's wand and wrapped themselves around Severus' arms. In an instant, he was gripped roughly by the collar before the two of them disapparated, leaving a stunned Lily in their wake.


	7. Confusion

Severus yanked his wrists out of the man's grip the second he landed. He'd cooperate, he wasn't an imbecile, but there was no need for such tight restraint. The auror gripped him anyway, enough to let Severus know who was boss, but lighter than before. Severus' upper lip lifted into a sneer, but he kept his protestations to himself as he was shoved in a minuscule and bare cell.

The force behind the push caused Severus to fall to the ground, colliding with the hard stone without a hand to catch himself. He rolled onto his back and sat up clumsily. He could smell the fresh blood trickling from his nose without a way to stem the flow.

The man turned around with no instruction, no word at all, leaving Severus alone in the empty room. His arms were still wrapped in the magical binding and he fought against them fruitlessly. The spell was inescapable, that was the beauty of it when it came to criminals, which he wasn't. Yet the fighting served as a distraction. His involvement with the Dark Lord had been suspected since he started as a professor, by both the staff and students, and he had just proved it to them all.

He had no doubt that the few witnesses that morning would allow the rumors of his arrest to spread like wildfire and he was positive there'd be several embellishments to the story. That nearly bothered him more. He'd have plenty of information to dispel when he got back.

He hated that the event had been entirely unavoidable. As a teacher he had no option  _but_ to escort the troublesome kids. Severus had no doubt that the auror had been waiting for him all along. Perhaps he should have returned home on the first opportunity after Dumbledore revealed that the Ministry was looking for him. He could have avoided all of this, every last miserable, embarrassing bit of it if he'd just been arrested there instead.

There were many disadvantages to the situation he was in, but although it shouldn't be a top priority, the thing he despised the most was that Lily had seen his doe. He hadn't had the option of course, Dumbledore needed to know, but oh how he wished to have done it differently. He groaned, the way she had gaped at him as he disapparated told him enough. She would have realized that they shared the same patronus, or rather that  _she was_ his patronus.

There'd be no denying the feelings he shared for her now, not to himself, and not to her. As much as he'd tried to fight it, to pretend that wasn't the case, he bloody loved her and now she had the proof

He was rattled from his thoughts by the sound of clanging metal as the cell door was pulled open again. Severus had kept his head down, staring at the cracked concrete floor, but now jerked it upwards to see the new visitor.

"You're lucky." The same auror as before ground out. He stepped inside, lifting Severus roughly from the ground. He passed through the door and found Dumbledore waiting for him a short distance away.

"Thank you, Dawlish." Dumbledore was all too cheerful about the situation and Severus wished to smack the smug grin off his face.

He felt a release as the bonds were broken and his arms were allowed to return to their usual position. His hand went first to the nose he expected was broken, dabbing at the still wet blood, before he rolled his shoulders and rubbed at the already red marks in his flesh. He and Dumbledore were led to what he assumed to be an interrogation room before the door was slammed shut.

"You are aware just what exactly this man has done?" Dawlish spoke brusquely as if Severus wasn't even in the room.

"More than most." Dumbledore's tone, despite being chipper, was gruffer than before. "Now, if you're quite done with my client we have some things to attend to."

Dawlish turned to Severus, finally acknowledging that he was there. His eyebrows knitted in anger and he leaned towards him ever so slightly, dropping his voice an octave. "One toe out of line and it won't be a holding cell waiting for you. We're watching you, Snape."

Severus remained unfazed, unimpressed by the weedy man. Should he be willing to "step that toe out of line" he was confident he could easily take the man before him.

"Has he been given a date? Or were you planning to ship him off with the others?" The Headmaster broke in, ignoring the threat.

Dawlish's answer wasn't immediate. He simply watched them, calculating his words carefully. "The minister has ordered those that have been named specifically." He nodded at Severus. "To be sent to Azkaban without question. There is no need to waste time and resources on known  _murderers."_ He spat with a grimace.

Dumbledore glanced momentarily at Severus who had remained silent throughout the exchange. He'd had no desire to interject his own opinion and risk being imprisoned all over again. He loathed the necessary help, but knew it was his only option.

"It seems I'll have to have my own little chat with her. Master Snape's situation is rather…different, shall we say.  _If_ he suffers a similar fate it will only be after he's found guilty by the Wizengamot." Dumbledore stood abruptly, effectively ending the conversation. Severus followed after, exchanging a venomous glare with the auror that had accosted him.

The men wandered through the dark, winding hallways. They were plagued with the inextinguishable scent of mildew from being so deep underground. Severus kept his eyes forward, ignoring the whispers and stares sent in his and Dumbledore's direction. He had never intended for his reputation to inflict damage upon Dumbledore's.

Xxxx

She enveloped him as soon as the two of them stepped into the office. She felt his body go rigid beneath hers and released him. Looking up she took in the crooked nose and dried blood that had run down to the scowl on his lips. Her eyes wandered further up his face, settling on his coal black eyes. They were the clearest she'd seen in months. Despite the frosty anger he displayed, there was a fiery warmth in his eyes.

As he stepped from her grip his wand was aimed in the direction of his nose. There was a momentary crack and a wince as it was set straight again. Dumbledore passed him a wet rag which he used to wipe away the blood before murmuring something about being grateful it was Saturday. "How many people saw?" He demanded of her.

She was hesitant to answer, knowing she had nothing good to say, even one person would be too much for him. "Several professors and a rather large group of students."

The door was opened again suddenly and all three of them turned to see the new comer, their conversation coming to a halt. Professor McGonagall made a beeline for him. The way she hovered over Severus reminded Lily of something a mother would do. "Is it true?" Her Scottish brogue held a hint of concern Lily had so rarely seen from her.

"Not in the sense I expect you're asking, Minerva." He dabbed at his nose one final time before allowing his hand drop.

"You did always have a tendency for trouble." McGonagall tsked, with a shake of the head. "Albus has taken care of you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Lily fought the smile that was threatening to break out at his sudden change of character. It was like looking at a school boy all over again. He seemed desperate for approval and afraid to lose McGonagall's trust. Her old head of house turned to look at her suddenly, surprised at Lily's presence. "Mrs. Potter." Came the lovingly familiar, clipped tone. McGonagall's mouth flattened into a thin line as she looked between her and Severus. "I see." The surprise faded from her features.

"Minerva." The headmaster interrupted. "I'm afraid we were in the middle of a rather delicate discussion. I have no doubt that you care for the boy." He indicated to Severus. "But, I believe the less you know of the situation the better."

She nodded quickly before reaching out and momentarily giving Severus' hand a reassuring squeeze. "Take my night off, take care of yourself, and be ready for Monday's interrogation."

On any other person, the grin he gave would have been considered small. Coming from Severus however, it was huge. His eyes found Lily for a split second before he uttered a thank you. Lily could see him visibly relax, the tension in his shoulders dropping. It would do him good to be free of his prison for at least a few hours.

The appreciative smile lingered after McGonagall had left them to their conversation. Lily felt a budding happiness at merely seeing the temporary relief McGonagall had given him.

"Minerva does have a point. You've been under a tremendous amount of stress recently. If she's willing to give up her night then I am willing to consent to it. But, first, we have some things to discuss." Dumbledore turned to Lily, bringing her into the conversation. "Mrs. Potter expressed her desire to be apart of this, to help you."

Severus' previously relaxed look curdled into something sour at the mention of her involvement. "I've already discussed this with her. I won't allow it."

"Would you rather be imprisoned? Azkaban changes people, Sev. If you go there you won't come back." Lily urged him. She was afraid of the alternative.

"It's a risk I'm going to take. The chance of endangering the lives of you and your child further are too great. I can't ask that of you."

"Severus." She sighed in exasperation. "You need to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of yourself for once. You can't protect everyone."

"I have to try. I alone made those mistakes-"

" _Severus_." She commanded so forcefully that he abruptly shut his mouth and allowed her to continue. "I can take care of myself. Harry is  _mine_ , he's  _my_ responsibility. I would never endanger him for the sake of anyone else, but you need to realize that not everything needs to be done by yourself." The muscles in his cheeks flexed as he clenched his teeth. He dropped his gaze, looking at the floor beneath her feet instead when something occurred to her. "This is about more than our safety. You've never accepted help from  _anyone._ The one time I tried to you-"

" _Fine_." His voice was gruff and Lily could see the reignited anger in his eyes.

"Go, Severus. We can establish the details at a later date. The important thing is that you agreed" There was a gleeful tone in Dumbledore's voice. He was clearly relieved to have badgered Severus into the decision. "I'll inform you when I have more details about the situation. For now, allow Lily to alleviate some of your misery."

"Thank you…Albus." The words were rough, forced, and defeated. He was displeased with the way things had gone and Lily couldn't help feeling guilty. It would pass, he would come to realize how necessary her help would be, she was sure of it. With all this talk about making up for his grievances, maybe it was time she did the same.

He was more different than she'd ever expected. He was sardonic and occasionally cruel. She was disappointed in the things he had done and the person he had temporarily been. But, in spite of his constant reassurances that everything was his fault, Lily was beginning to disagree.

Xxxx

"I've been away from Harry long enough. Mum agreed to watch him under the impression it was a short trip." Disappointment surged through her at the thought of leaving Severus. Each time they were together she became less inclined to leave than the last. He was silent and she risked a glance at his face. Lily was surprised then to see a similar look of displeasure on his features, the typical thin line of his mouth now turned downwards and the sparkle of his eyes had dulled.

"Bring him here." His voice came suddenly. "I see no point in my returning home if…" He trailed off, growing quiet.

 _If you're not here._ Lily finished for him. She found him growing more and more dependent on her and shockingly found that she was enjoying it.

They'd come directly to his home, together. On their way out of the grounds she had trailed a distance behind him like before. It was close enough, however, to notice that Severus had ceased his typically caustic statements, rather ignoring the watching students instead. Ignoring taunts was not a specialty of his and in light of what had happened that morning, suspicious whispers seemed to follow him. Yet he didn't rise to the bait. Had they not been the very children he'd sworn to protect, Lily wondered how long it would have taken for his wand to slide into his hand once again.

But, it hadn't. Instead he gave no indication that he'd even heard the words following him. Every time she thought she was beginning to understand him again, he behaved in a way she hadn't expected, leaving her more confused than before. His doe patronus certainly didn't help. She had her suspicions, but she was afraid to ask in case she was wrong.

"Lils." Her named was utter softly, barely above a whisper. His tone lacked his usual forced confidence and she felt a warmth spreading in her veins. Looking up at him, she found him closer than before, a silent question in his eyes. Lily bit her lip, thinking through the best course of action when she realized that exactly was the problem.

James was dead. She loved him, she missed him, she always would, but that wasn't something she could undo. She spent all this time around Severus with James on her mind, afraid what he would think. But, the truth of it was it didn't matter anymore. She couldn't live her life based on what he would think when he couldn't even tell her. Lily was far from ready to be intimate with anyone, but when she allowed her mind to stop it was clear what she  _was_ ready for and right now that was Severus.

The corners of her mouth lifted into a genuine smile at seeing him inches away. It was the answer he'd been looking for and quickly wrapped his arms around her. Her eyes fluttered shut at the touch of his smooth lips pressing on hers. She returned the kiss eagerly, reaching up and placing her own hands at the nape of his neck before moving them upwards to wrap in his hair.

The placement of his hands dropped, going instead to the back of her thighs and lifting gently. There was a passion in his touch that hadn't been there the previous time. She was pulled up slowly and allowed her legs to wrap around his waist, all the while never breaking contact. She kissed him fervently, knowing logically that she should stop while needing the compassion of another human being just as much. It was only when she felt his breath growing ragged beneath hers that he finally broke away.

He held her limber frame still in his arms, unwilling to return her to the ground. Lily pushed the thought away that they were making a mistake and allowed the touch. She was left conflicted, physically wanting more, but mentally unable to get it. By the way Severus was looking at her she suspected he felt the very same thing.

"Bring him here." He whispered again. "Have dinner with me."

The grin on her face stretched farther, unable and unwilling to turn him down. "We'd like that very much."

Xxxx

Severus ran a hand through his hair as she disapparated. That had entirely  _not_ been his plan for the day. She brought out something in him that was indescribable, that made him lose all rationality. Her safety, and now Harry's, had always been his top priority, but he was growing to care for her in a way he hadn't for some time.

He cleared his throat, attempting to compose himself for her return. He'd told himself this couldn't happen again, that it  _wouldn't_ happen again. He was strict even with himself, never allowing change or a bend from his standards, yet he'd allowed his bloody physical desires to take over.

He changed hurriedly from his rigid robes. Usually they provided stability, a sense of control, but now they were like a prison of their own. He was anxious to rid himself of the day's stress. Perhaps it would make him more approachable for her child. He paused, that wouldn't have been a concern of his before. He wouldn't have done  _any_ of this before. He shook his head, the things she did to him, had always done to him. It drove him mad.

A pop echoed up the stairs, signaling her return. Severus finished pulling his shirt over his head before exiting the room and thudding down the short staircase. His steps were excited, quicker than his usual purposeful stride and he felt a stupid smile budding onto his face which he quickly wiped away.

"There you are." Lily's voice was cheerful, grinning as she saw him. He noticed her gaze drop to the exposed skin of his arms and her smile falter for a split second. He realized then he had chosen short sleeves and was suddenly self conscious about the marks on his arms.

Things between them were tense again. After such a passionate moment not long ago he felt suddenly naked in front of her. He so desperately wanted to continue the intimacy, but the presence of Harry made that unlikely.

Instead he sat on the floor and she plopped down beside him, watching the young boy play. He had no idea what to say to the child, how to interact with him. He'd never been around babies, but toddlers scared him even more.

"He has a broom." Lily spoke suddenly. "He takes after his father."

Severus gave her the side eye. "Isn't he a tad young?"

" _Yes_." She breathed, seeming relieved by his input. "I said the same thing, but James and his Uncle Sirius insisted. Harry does quite well on it." She leaned over so that her head rested lightly on his shoulder.

"What are we doing here?" He asked finally, put off by the unexpected touch. "I'm not aware of the proper etiquette when it comes to a widow." From his position he could see the small scrunch of her nose at his use of the word.

"No one has called me that before." Her voice was meek, but she didn't move away from him. He sat there, unsure how to proceed. It was Lily who finally broke the silence. "He was my husband, Sev, we shared  _everything._ "

He moved his head slightly so he could more easily meet her gaze before speaking in an even tone. "That's what the ring on your finger signifies. I thought the two of you were just shacking up."

Lily rolled her eyes mockingly. " _I mean_  that I'm not sure of this either. It's been different, to say the least, not having him around…This was certainly not what I had expected to happen, particularly so soon. But, it feels… _right."_  Severus ran his fingers through the hair that hung down her shoulder as she continued. "James and I…being in hiding put us under a lot of pressure. Towards the end we we're fighting a lot more. We had different ideas on the best course of action and it took its toll on us. We we're having problems and I'm not sure if that makes his death harder or easier. There are so many things I'd like to tell him, to yell at him for. But, I also want to-" The words stopped short, for that he was grateful. He had no desire to know the more intimate details of her relationship with James. He could acknowledge that those feelings were there without them being said aloud. "Harry asks for him less and less. In the first few weeks it was constant, he was regularly upset, but I think he's starting to forget him." Lily's voice was tight and she shifted uncomfortably beside Severus. She'd swiveled her face away from his, but it didn't take a genius to know that she was upset.

Severus lifted his arm, draping it across her shoulders comfortingly. It was meant as a friendly gesture and nothing more. He stared ahead, watching Harry chatter nonsensically to his stuffy as Lily sniffed beside him.

He felt her fingers on his arms unexpectedly, tracing the scars that marked him. "Cigarette burns, mostly." He explained as her touch moved farther up. He didn't have to look to know which one she found next. It was long and jagged, etched along his bicep. "Beer bottle." He said simply, offering no other information.

Lily wiped her eyes as she opened her mouth to ask for more when her attention was suddenly commanded by something else. She straightened and his arm dropped as Harry climbed into her lap, showing off his toy. His unintelligible jabbering coming to a halt as he stared at Severus.

Severus simply stared back, not sure what to do with the toddler. He fought to look past the undeniable James quality of him, to recognize him for who he was, a different person entirely. He hoped that little Harry didn't take after his father in other ways. Lily watched him intently. "He won't hurt you."

The obvious phrase made him laugh out loud, something he rarely did. He gave in, plucking the child from her lap and placing him on his. The simple act drew a wistful smile from Lily. She snuggled back down into the crook of his arm.

He was comforted by the mere touch of her skin against his. After the increasing strain of what seemed to be his life, he took solace in the fact that in this moment he could relax, even if he couldn't entirely be himself. He shifted too, leaning his head on top of hers and closing her weary eyes.


	8. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some lines taken directly from DH

 

The fire crackled, casting long, drastic shadows across the chipped walls. There was a scent of destruction in the air as the logs of wood burned. Severus sat beside the fireplace in his favorite, albeit worn, armchair. Lily was curled on the couch some distance away, her feet tucked beneath her. Harry had been put to bed some time ago, just as the sun was almost set. Now the house was bathed in darkness, the only light from within coming from the flames.

Severus was mesmerized by the warmth and flickering shades of orange. He felt his lids growing heavy and there was an intense desire to stay in that position for the rest of his life. His hand was poised above a piece of parchment, black ink dripping from his quill.

"Fresh snowdrop would be the most potent. The first species will be flowering in just a week's time. Unfortunately, they aren't native here, we'd have to travel."

The look on Lily's face told him she didn't find this nearly as interesting as he. She instead held an air of boredom. Severus wondered just when she had lost their previously shared fascination. "How much will we need?"

"Several stalks. Each flower has six petals, I recommend we-" A loud pounding came at the door suddenly, causing him to freeze. He felt his face contort into one of panic before dropping his voice to a low hiss. "Take him, you need leave. Disapparate upstairs."

Dread crossed her face, leaving her mouth agape and her eyes distant. It occurred to Severus she'd heard something similar not long ago. A sense of guilt at hurting her again rooted in his stomach. She remained frozen in her spot, not entirely in the present. " _Go!"_ He urged desperately as the pounding came again.

Lily blinked finally before scrambling to a standing position. He pushed her in the direction of the stairs and she quickly followed his silent command. The bookcase guarding the shelves shut and Severus locked it with a silent charm before finally answering the door.

"Snape." Mulciber grinned at him venomously before inviting himself inside. He examined the shabby room, inspecting each corner with an air of disgust before turning back to him. "What took you so long?"

"I was indisposed." Severus' voice came out calmly, controlled, despite the nervous sweating of his palms and the terror burning inside him.

"Yes, your  _potions."_ Mulciber sneered back, glancing at the parchment Severus had scrawled his shorthand on and picking it up. "SD?" He read aloud.

"Scale of Dragon." He lied. "I'm investing my free time in a new project." The parchment was dropped back down as Mulciber continued his lap. He reached the wall of books behind which Lily had escaped and paused, examining it. "Can I help you, Mulciber?" Severus' voice remained flat and emotionless, conveying nothing.

"Word has traveled that you've been spending your free time with someone of…less than desirable blood." The man gazed at Severus intently, willing him to lie.

"Ah, yes, Felicity Quigg. She's the defense professor up at the school, a rather infuriating example of mudblood filth." The air was quiet, charged with danger. The image of the woman came to his mind suddenly, when she had encountered him at the Hog's Head mere months before. He shut it down, cutting Mulciber out. "You are not the Dark Lord, only he has the privilege to my memories." He stepped closer to the man, daring him to try again. He felt the tip of his wand pressing into his wrist, ready for attack. It seemed to surge with a similar fury as he.

"Would he feel the same? Would the Dark Lord condone the intimate time you've spent with this minger?"

" _Intimate time?"_ Severus scoffed. "She is an utterly useless imbecile. Any time spent with her has been merely professional. Shall I remind you just  _who_ wished me to be in the company of the likes of her?"

"You may have had him convinced, but I can't say the same. Not with that cock tease of yours back in town." Mulciber edged closer, lifting his chin slightly and daring Severus to deny it. "She was a pretty little thing. Should you desire to…take advantage of her before the Dark Lord finishes them off, well I can't say we'd be surprised. Potter certainly found her good enough for a shag." His eyes flashed menacingly. "Or I could do it for you."

Severus fought the urge to curse the bastard, or rather beat him to a bloody pulp. He didn't believe a curse would be enough. "Some of us are capable of restraint. The Dark Lord wishes for my presence to remain at Hogwarts. It would be unwise to jeopardize my position. I don't believe the old git would appreciate such a deplorable action from a member of his staff." He forced the words through clenched teeth, fighting for control. "Unless the Dark Lord has asked it of you, you will leave her be as well. There's no need to add another crime to your rather long rap sheet."

Mulciber shrugged mockingly. "What's the harm in having a little fun before you're sent to Azkaban?"

"I have no intention of going. It's a shame Dumbledore is held on such high a pedestal when he's been rather easy to fool. He's convinced I've changed sides and as a result has agreed to prevent my incarceration." Severus gave a shake of the head, a fake smile playing on his lips. "Unless you came to convey more than empty threats, I must insist you leave." Mulciber remained where he stood. His brow furrowed in anger as his eyes bore into Severus'. The harsh examination had been turned from his home to him as Mulciber fought to decide what to believe. "You seem to be forgetting that you are  _not_ my master." Severus continued. "He is the only one I'll be taking orders from."

"Very well." Mulciber responded at last before a sardonic grin formed on his face. "You aren't free of suspicion yet, Snape. Let's not forget what orders the Dark Lord has given  _me,_ shall we?"

"Only a dullard would be so foolish."

Will one final glare of distrust, Mulciber disapparated.

Severus' shoulders dropped as he lost his self-assured stance. He focused on drawing fresh oxygen in his lungs to dispel the panic still flooding his veins. He'd been right about being watched despite Lord Voldemort's downfall. The other Death Eater had made it quite clear that Dumbledore wasn't the only one who believed in the Dark Lord's return. Something very sinister was brewing.

As the minutes passed and his sense of safety returned, Severus undid the locking charm. The threat of Azkaban and his impending death had caused him enough stress for the day. He was entirely unready to return to the castle in the morning. An exhaustion overtook him at the mere thought of babysitting again.

He yanked the bookcase open, his thoughts drifting to that of a dreamless sleep he so desperately needed. The previously abandoned terror resumed full force at the sight of Lily. She huddled on the bottom most step, arms wrapped around herself protectively and staring at him in astonishment. He reached out with a reassuring touch as his stomach dropped. The things Mulciber had said…he could only imagine what was running through her head.

She slapped his hand away, the fear morphing into a burning rage. She stood hastily, anxious to get away from him as she blinked away tears. "I  _trusted_  you! I let you back into my life, into  _Harry's!"_ The emotion filled diamonds dropped onto her cheeks, running quickly down her face. "I foolishly believed you'd really changed."

Severus shut his gaping mouth, clenching his teeth again as she hurried up the stairs for her son. His arm fell to his side in defeat as he watched her go. This was precisely the reason he hadn't wanted to get close to her again. He'd never fully believed she could really be his and now she'd proved him right, again.

The ancient wound between them had been torn open once again in the musty stairway of his home. The pain and injustice gave way to an uncontrollable wrath, sending his fist painfully through the nearby wall.

Xxxx

Lily jostled her leg up and down. She'd thought of the events regarding Mulciber relentlessly over the past several days before ending up here. The pain of it was unbearable, she was still stunned by what Severus had said. It made her wonder just what else had been said behind her back.

 _Pretty little thing, cock tease, good enough to shag._ The memory swirled around in her mind. They'd been Mulciber's words, but Severus hadn't denied any of them which hurt almost just as much. That'd been the deciding factor in coming here, she couldn't keep it to herself. Dumbledore  _had_ to know Severus' true feelings. They couldn't win the war with a traitor in the midst.

So, now she sat in the ornate and meticulously decorated office with the headmaster watching her carefully. "He lied." She started hoarsely. "He's not on our side at all."

She expected a hint of surprise, injustice,  _something,_ but Dumbledore merely smirked. "And what exactly is the cause of this sudden distrust?"

"I overheard a conversation he had with Mulciber. He admitted to all of it." She stared at him dumbly, but still there was no change in expression.

"Lily, do you honestly expect him to lie to a fellow Death Eater? I shouldn't have to tell you just how unkind of a man Mulciber is." He lifted his eyebrows as if surprised she hadn't considered all of this.

Lily watched him carefully across the wide oak desk. "Of course not." She dropped her gaze to her lap, unsure of her next words. Staring at her deep green robes edged in gold piping she spoke again. "But, how can we be so sure he's telling  _us_ the truth?"

Dumbledore strummed his chin in thought, fingers brushing his white beard. His eyes narrowed as he considered something unsaid before glancing at a nearby cabinet. "Have you ever used a pensieve?"

"No." She replied simply with a shake of the head. "But, I'm aware how they work."

"Then surely you know that not just memories come across? But, what the individual was feeling as well?" He raised an eyebrow before giving a flick of his wand. Lily watched as the doors of the cabinet creaked open. The mirrors decorating the outside we're edged in black from age and a lack of care. The stone basin that hovered behind the now open doors however, looked brand new. Dumbledore appeared to have cared for the pensieve itself meticulously.

As the basin floated to them, hanging in the air just over the desk, Lily examined the unfamiliar runes etched into the sides. Dumbledore stood, making his way to a glass stand. Inside of it stood hundreds of glass vials. His fingers drifted carefully over each one, caressing each of them with care, before he appeared to settle on a specific one. He lifted it from it's holder carefully and even from afar, Lily could see the misty blue substance filling it to the brim.

Returning to the desk, to the pensieve, Dumbledore poured the substance carefully into the liquid filled basin. The memories that swirled inside turned into a smokey black, filling every inch of the pensieve.

"Severus will be rather vexed at what you're about to see, but I believe it's necessary. It's imperative this remains a secret to anyone but him."

Lily gave a nod, confirming that she wouldn't tell a soul. He gestured for her to enter the memories and she obeyed. She placed her face hesitantly in the liquid. As she made contact she felt herself slipping, losing contact with Dumbledore's office until she was in the memory entirely.

_The black smoke swirled around her before taking the shape of_ _a small room Lily didn't recognize. She shivered against the cold of it, glancing momentarily at the surroundings. A small bed was pushed up against a wall while a dresser sat against another._

_Severus stood across a full length mirror. His hair was greasier than she'd ever seen it and he looked ragged from head to toe. She watched as he meticulously undid the buttons of his shirt before sliding it off entirely. She watched him wince at the movement and felt a wave of disappointment that had to be his. His hand went first to the dark mark scrawled in his skin. It had been a faint pink when she had seen it some weeks ago, but now it was an angry shade of red against his skin._

_His fingers rubbed across it and a scowl appeared on his face. He stepped forward, closer to the torch that hung on the wall beside the mirror. Light fell upon his scrawny, pallid body and her mouth opened slightly in shock. Deep blue and purple bruises covered his chest and shoulders. Stepping around him she saw that they filled his back as well._

_He touched them gingerly before jerking from the pain. His hand wandered from the bruises then to the scars, some old and others very new. One across his chest was still trickling blood while another looked as though it was about to. Nearly every inch of his visible body was covered in some kind of wound. Lily's eyes flicked across his skin, taking them all in and wondering where they had come from._

_She waited for him to pick up the wand that rested on an end table beside him, to heal the injuries, but he didn't even look at it. Instead, after one final examination, he bent forward, retrieving the discarded shirt and sliding his arms inside. His brow furrowed in pain and he paused for just a second before his hands went back to the buttons. When he was again fully clothed he cast himself one final glance in the mirror, shut his eyes, and gave a large exhale before striding finally from the room._

_As he stepped away the wisps of smoke reappeared, taking the scene with them and reforming._ _She stood on a hill that was illuminated only by moonlight. In the distance, flickering lights were visible through Hogwarts' windows. In front of her knelt a hunched over man she recognized as Severus. Pain overtook all of his features as he leaned over, facing the shadowed grass. A bright light appeared suddenly, causing her to squint at the sudden change. The light took shape immediately and Dumbledore stood across from them in indignation._

" _Don't kill me!" Severus threw his hands above his face in protection. In response, a sense of unparalleled fear and overwhelming sadness overtook Lily, a sensation she knew didn't belong to her, but the owner of these memories._

" _That was not my intention." Dumbledore's robes billowed around him in the wind. "Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"_

" _No – no message – I'm here on my own account!" Severus pleaded pityingly, hands still held high for protection. "I – I come with a warning – no, a request – please –"_

_With a quick jerk of his wand the howling wind was silenced before Dumbledore's words came out sharply, unimpressed with the excuse. "What request could a Death Eater make of me?"_

" _The – the prophecy…the predication…Trelawney…"_

" _Ah, yes. How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?" It was clear, even from where Lily stood, that Dumbledore was angry, but unsurprised at the revelation._

" _Everything – everything I heard! That is why – it is for that reason – he thinks it means Lily Evans!" Lily felt the pounding of her heart, or rather, the heart of the memories._

" _The prophecy did not refer to a woman." Bit Dumbledore. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July-"_

" _You know what I mean!" Severus interrupted hastily. "He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down – kill them all –"_

_Dumbledore's eyes narrowed dangerously. "If she means so much to you, surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?"_

" _I have – I have asked him –" Severus was cut off again, causing his distress to morph into one of frustration and the emotion Lily felt changed in response._

" _You disgust me." Dumbledore spat, causing Severus to sink lower. "You do not care then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"_

_Severus watched Dumbledore momentarily in a stunned silence before speaking again. "Hide them all, then." He croaked, pleading again. "Keep her – them – safe. Please."_

" _And what will you give me in return, Severus?"_

" _In – in return? He gaped. Lily felt a vortex of emotions as Severus tried to piece it together. "Anything."_

_The wind picked up again as the memory was rushed away. The forms of Severus and Dumbledore, and even that of the hilltop disappearing only to be replaced. Now Lily found them in the very office she had just stood._

_"_ _I thought…you were going… to keep her…safe…" His breathing was shallow and he clutched at the wall for stability as Dumbledore bore down on him. The fear of before was replaced by heartbreak. Lily's own breaths came out raggedly as she knew just what this memory was about. She had an intense desire not to relive it._

_"_ _She and James put their faith in the wrong person, rather like you, Severus." Dumbledore peered at him, eyes piercing through Severus' pain. "She and her son survived."_

_Severus' head snapped to attention, going to meet Dumbledore's gaze._

_"_ _If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."_

_He stared at the headmaster in a daze of confusion. "What…what do you mean?"_

_"_ _You know how and why they were attacked. Help me protect them."_

_A wave of anger washed through Severus and in turn, Lily. This time part of it was her own. "They do not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-"_

_"_ _The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."_

" _Very well. Very well. But_ _never_ _tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word that should I reveal myself it will be of my own accord._

_"_ _My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore sighed. "If you insist."_

_The scene changed again, to one more painful than the last. She stood on a street of Godric's Hollow beside Severus. He gazed intently at the blown out building before them, her home, where she had lost her husband. She wanted to ignore this memory, having no desire to witness any of it, but forced her eyes to stay open. It was important for her to understand. Severus moved forward with purposeful steps. He was guided by what seemed to be auto pilot. Unlike the last two memories, this one held no detectable emotion._

_He walked through the doorway and Lily gasped, hand going to her mouth as he stepped over James' body. It hadn't taken Severus long at all to make his way here. James had been removed from their home not even an hour after the attack._

_Severus continued to wind through the shattered glass and debris, stepping carefully around the destruction. He wandered through the empty rooms before eventually making his way up the staircase and to the upper floor. Peeking into each room he moved forward, stopping finally outside the last door. Lily felt utter despair and guilt seeping from him finally as he stepped into Harry's torn apart room._

_Harry's belongings we're scattered, glass and wall filling this room too. Severus approached the rocking chair tucked into a corner before collapsing into it. He stared out at the remnants of her life a moment more before his shoulders began to shake and she felt his occlumency barriers crashing down. The wall of emotion hit her so suddenly she was taken aback. It was a mix of unbearable grief and regret that she too was over come with emotion that wasn't her own._

_Her heart beat quickly of it's own accord as she willed for this scene to change, to be free of her own memories of that night. She fought back her own tears and impending break down_.

She found herself suddenly returned to Dumbledore's office. She fell back into the chair she had been seated in previously. Dumbledore was silent as she controlled her emotions. It was several long minutes before her tears began to dry and her breathing smoothed. Although she was still overwhelmed by revisiting memories of her own, she forced herself to the present and the task at hand. She stared at Dumbledore, unable to form words of her own.

He took her cue and began speaking softly. "Severus has grown quickly into a rather impressive occlumens. He conceals nearly everything from me, and I think even from himself. However, occlumency only occludes thoughts, memories. While he is capable of hiding his true emotion from the outside world, he is unable to hide them from himself in the moment they're occurring. Everything you felt, the distraught, the grief, the  _unbearable_ pain, was real."

"He wasn't lying." She spoke just above a whisper, ashamed and disappointed in herself.

"No. I'm not aware what you heard him say, but I wouldn't put any stock in it. These are just a small selection of memories, the only ones he has provided me. I expect there are many more detailing his guilt."

"Why do you have them?" She looked up at him finally.

"Safety. Should something happen to him, we'll have a way to establish his innocence."

She nodded, it made sense. "In the one memory, on the hill, you said he didn't care about the death of James and Harry…is that true?"

Dumbledore shook his head softly. "That's something you'll have to ask him. Know this though, Lily. He gave his life for  _yours._ He entered this life of…servitude, deception, to protect  _you._ He gave up his own life to fight for the greater good and keep your family safe. Should you choose to forgive him is up to you, but it would be wise to remember the things you've seen."

Lily sighed deeply, squeezing her eyes shut. "I will."


	9. Matchless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the amount of support from you guys continues to surprise me. I never pictured this when I began writing. So, thank you all so much

The scent of manure overtook his senses. A year ago the scent would have made him nauseous. It had turned him away several times before. Now, however, the Hog's Head had turned into his haunt. He'd frequented many nights here in the time since he took the position of potions master. The musty, and rather disgusting bar certainly wasn't his first choice. He'd much rather hunker down in the welcoming atmosphere of the Three Broomsticks. But, the appeal of  _this_ place was that it was practically abandoned. He rarely ran into anyone he knew and was able to relax in peace.

His fingers were wrapped around a dusty bottle of Quinton Black. He couldn't remember how many he'd had, having not bothered to keep track. The dark liquid inside was irresistibly smooth against his tongue. Past the satisfying burn, unlike that of fire whiskey, was the subtle hint of copper and the overly sweet taste of licorice reminiscent of anise. He swallowed the saccharine drink in satisfaction.

He swirled the remaining alcohol in his bottle, already feeling the pleasurable, warm sensation throughout his body. Quinton was one of their harder liquors, one he reserved for such  _special_ occasions. It didn't take him long to get drunk off of a few bottles. His vision swam slightly in front of him and he downed the last of the liquid. He couldn't be too inebriated, should a student see him. He also needed to be capable of finding his way back. He was concerned he'd already surpassed both of those limits, but didn't care like he should.

A blonde, blue eyed woman sat across from him suddenly and he groaned. "What d'you want?"

"I  _wanted_ to talk to you, but I see now that's not possible." Lily responded, annoyed. Her arms were crossed on top of the table and she stared at him intently.

Severus stared down into the empty bottle. "It's a shame then, that…" He closed his eyes momentarily, willing the double vision to go away. "…that time has passed." He pushed his chair backwards and stood quickly. The abrupt movement made him unbelievably nauseous and he paused, despite the desire to stomp away. When the lurching of his stomach subsided he straightened and stumbled from the table.

"Sev." Her arm was around his waist suddenly, keeping him upright. "You can hardly even stand."

He glared at her, but kept his mouth shut. He had no desire to have her anywhere near him, but seeing as he couldn't escape as he'd like, he allowed the support. The two of them struggled to venture out of the small pub and down the street. If there was one thing he could be thankful for, it was that she kept her bloody mouth shut.

Xxxx

Lily peered carefully around herself as she unlocked the door to his quarters. She knew him perhaps more than anyone. It wasn't difficult to figure out which charm he'd used to secure the place. It wasn't any old locking charm, he wouldn't be so daft. No, it was one he had invented and it took only a couple guesses before she dragged his stumbling figure inside.

His eyelids drooped and his previously coherent words came out more slurred than before. She was no longer able to understand the angry rhetoric he was spewing at her. The guilt she'd felt after visiting Dumbledore only intensified at seeing how utterly furious he was with her.

She pulled him further into the dank, and hardly furnished flat in the direction of what she assumed was a bedroom. Throwing open the door she found a bed not unlike the ones students slept in. This room too was scarcely furnished and there was no personal affects to be seen.

This room too smelled like mildew and the deep level chilled her to the bone. She didn't know how he lived in this place for the majority of his life. She couldn't even say five days out of the week when it was apparent he didn't return home some weeks.

Lily turned him, sitting him gently on the bed and going for the buttons of his robes. He shoved her hands away with a vehement glare. "I'm trying to  _help_ you." She assured, returning to her work. He tried to fight her off, but his drunken state was no match and she had him undressed in no time.

The lighting in the room was dim, but it provided enough for her to see the familiar scars she'd witnessed in his memories. His bruises, of course, had healed, but the cuts had remained. The one that had been dripping blood and the other that had threatened to were both still there. She frowned at the realization that he had never healed them at all.

She moved on to his pants next and he fought her less than before. Averting her eyes, she quickly had them down around his ankles and off. Lily turned next to what appeared to be a dresser. She pulled open drawer after drawer in search of something to replace the clothes she had just removed. Finally, in the bottom most drawer, she found a ratty shirt and pair of sweats.

Pulling them out she redressed him quickly. It was freezing in the dungeon, even through her clothes she began to shiver. As his arm was pushed through the sleeve she noticed the deep purple bruising of his fingers and frowned. Those hadn't been there on Saturday. Lily made a quiet resolve to ask him about it as she laid him back on the bed he had finally given up. Placing him on his side, she threw the heavy blanket over him. He drifted off in mere seconds and she retreated from the room and from the flat.

Xxxx

A piercing cry broke through his peaceful dreams suddenly. He awoke with a pounding headache and rolled onto his back in confusion. The room was pitch black from a lack of windows, leaving it impossible to tell time. He felt for his wand in the interior of his sleeve, but found nothing. Feeling at the bedside table blindly he knocked a cool, glass object from it and heard it shatter on the ground.

Finally, feeling the ornate wood he gripped it tightly and muttered " _lumos"._ A soft light filled the room, but it was enough to intensify the searing pain in his head. Raising his wrist to glance at his watch he found that that too was missing. Another cry came then and he realized that the first hadn't been a dream.

Severus threw the covers off of himself and quickly vanished the broken glass and spilled mess. Padding to the door in bare feet, despite the cold, he pulled it open. In his immediate line of sight sat the red headed woman that he was entirely unhappy to see, cradling a still snuffling Harry.

He placed a warm hand to his forehead, ignoring her for a moment as he wandered to his workspace nearby. Rifling through the organized potions that sat on it he eventually picked one that was sickening shade of teal. Popping the cork he down it quickly. He remained there a moment longer with closed eyes as the potion began to take affect. When the throbbing in his head dissipated, Severus swiveled to face Lily. He occluded all but the pure rage and annoyance he felt for her in the moment.

"I left you a potion by your bed." She pointed out.

 _Ah, the shattered glass._  "Can I help you?" His voice was cold, even, as he spoke.

The tone caused her to shrink a little, but she began again anyway. "We need to talk."

His brow furrowed as something occurred to him. Her words jolted a memory of last night, of her at the Hog's Head. "What are you even doing here?"

She shrugged as if it was obvious. "You were pissed. Try as you might, you weren't able to make it here by yourself. I stayed, wanting to make sure you were okay."

"Thanks." He grumbled through clenched teeth. "You're free to leave."

"No, I'm not going anywhere, we-"

"Perhaps you misunderstood, Mrs. Potter. I have no interest in discussing  _anything_ with you and would  _appreciate_ it if you left my home and didn't return."

Lily looked back at him as though she'd been slapped. She shifted on the velvet couch, placing Harry on the couch before she stood. "Sev, I made a mistake. I should have trusted-"

"That's the problem, isn't it?" His voice dropped to a dangerously low timbre. "Trusting me has never been something you've been capable of. You were never able to take me at my word, instead choosing to believe  _anything_ else." She opened her mouth before closing it again, a painful look in her eyes. Severus took advantage of her silence and continued. "I'm not going to say it again, leave,  _please."_ The last word was dripping with sarcasm.

"Absolutely not!" She was firm in her statement despite the fear he could see in her eyes. "I came here with things to say and you're going to listen to them." Her voice shook as she tried to control it's elevating tone. She glanced at her son behind her who's undivided attention was placed on his toy.

"No, I'm done listening to your excuses. I've forgiven you far too easily, far too often. You've always placed too much stock in the reasoning of other people, James in particular, and far too little in mine. You've never once even  _tried_ to listen to my side of the story."

"But, I'm here now, wanting to understand your side!" Her voice was raised, unlike his, as she edged closer.

"And just what exactly caused the changed of heart? Based on our history I find it hard to believe that you simply did it on your own." Severus was finding it hard to keep the boiling anger of years of mistreatment from seeping into his voice. To be honest, he wasn't exactly trying to prevent it.

Lily replied quietly, her voice ashamed and barely above a whisper. "Dumbledore."

His eyes narrowed to slits and he leaned forward intimidatingly. "What exactly did Albus tell you?"

"He didn't  _tell_ me anything. He showed-"

 _The memories. "_ Bloody hell, Lily! Are you that incapable of meddling with my life!?" Before she could even try to respond he turned with a flourish, stepping back into the small bedroom and slamming the door behind him. In response, Harry began to cry and he felt a pang of regret for scaring the child.

He tore his shirt up and over his head as he spun, looking for his robes. It occurred to him then that he hadn't been the one to dress himself. His eyes went back to the door that he knew Lily was still standing beyond. It seemed she was learning every one of his secrets. And Albus had showed her those godforsaken memories. That hadn't been the intention when Severus had given them to him. He'd have to have a talk with the headmaster, one he'd never thought would be necessary.

He finally found his clothes folded neatly in the same drawer his night clothes had come from. Once fully dressed again, he stuffed his wand up his right sleeve like usual and slid his now socked feet into his boots.

Exiting the room he found Lily still waiting for him, having not gotten the hint. He ignored her presence, heading for the main door and slamming that one too.

Xxxx

Severus had sent a meaningful glare towards the headmaster during breakfast as he'd picked at his food. When the hall was mostly empty and the end of breakfast neared, he'd pushed himself away from the table and his barely touched plate.

He'd forced himself through the crowded hallways and pushed roughly past students until he was finally in the comfort of his dungeon classroom. He'd snapped at every student, whether they'd deserved it or not. He simply didn't have the patience, or the desire to be there.

It was a relief then that Lily wasn't waiting for him when he stepped into his office during lunch. Normally he used this time for grading assignments, but all he wanted to do was close his eyes and enjoy the silence. He leaned his head on the cool wood, taking in the sound of absolutely  _nothing._  Getting over Lily would be a lot easier without her around.

His shoulders finally drooped with relaxation, at the fact that he could just be himself for a moment, when a shimmering similar to moonlight made it's way through his closed lids. He lifted his head slightly at the sound of Dumbledore's voice, requesting he come to his office. The tension returned almost immediately and Severus locked down his barriers. He wasn't afraid of Dumbledore using legilimency, he wasn't one to invade privacy, Severus had simply done it out of habit. Although Voldemort had been gone nearly five months, Severus found control a hard routine to break.

Xxxx

He took a seat in the tufted chair, finding this room more relaxing than he'd expected. The light was softer, less artificial than the spell lit torches, and the only sound was that of the whirring, silver machines that did Merlin knows what.

Dumbledore appeared at the top of the stairs, descending them in a nearly silent manner. A screech came from Fawkes at the Headmaster's appearance. "It's come to my attention that you've been rather brusque with our students today."

"And it's come to  _mine_  that you've broken confidentiality." Severus tone was tired, done fighting. He ran a hand down his face.

"That's no reason to take your anger out on those we're supposed to inspire."

"You're right." He agreed. "I should have betrayed your privacy instead."

Dumbledore sat behind his desk finally. He removed his glasses, rubbing a finger and thumb over his closed eyelids before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Lily tried to convince me you were on Lord Voldemort's side. I had to dispel the belief once and for all."

"No, it would be perfectly fine for her to continue to believe that. It was her decision to let her trust be broken so easily."

"Look at me, Severus."

He obeyed, lifting his head, black eyes meeting piercing blue.

"Whether you believe it or not, you need her. I've seen a change in you in the past few months, since she came into your life again. What she's done to you is matchless." Severus opened his mouth to protest when Dumbledore lifted a hand to stop him before continuing. "You wanted a second chance, didn't you? Don't waste the one you've finally gotten."

Severus flexed the muscles in his cheeks, grinding his teeth together in irritated thought. He was quiet for several minutes before finally speaking up. "Is that all you needed?"

"No. I've received word of a trial date, the eleventh of April."

"The eleventh?" He began in shock. "That's only five weeks from now!"

"All the more reason to end this feud with Lily then." Dumbledore smiled back with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I'll…consider it." He stood, straightening his robes. After being in Dumbledore's bright office he was entirely unready to return to the dim dungeon.


	10. Making Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Wiggles eyebrows mischievously*

Severus had spent the remainder of his day considering Dumbledore's words and deciding what to do. However, although he'd reached a conclusion, he couldn't stop the anger and betrayal that had been brewing in him for years. It had simply, finally reached it's tipping point. The emotion in him brimmed, spilling over so that he no longer had control. "You're still here." It was a statement rather than a question. He should have been surprised, seeing as it was after dinner and late into the evening. But, given her tenacity, he had fully expected it. "Haven't you been…bored?"

Lily gave a half hearted shrug, barely lifting her shoulders. She seemed meek under his measured voice. "I feel safer here, hidden away. Mulciber's threat was-"

"Vile, abhorrent…typical. The Dark Lord's followers enjoy a little free sex, particularly when their victim can't fight back. Mulciber is one of the worst."

She blinked at him. "After what he did to Mary, I can't say that surprises me. But, you've never?" Her eyebrows fell, only the inner corners coming up.

"It's a choice, not a requirement. I  _would_  never." His voice was tight, offended that she would even ask, but he didn't push it. After everything else he and his comrades had done, he supposed anything was possible.

"I still have nightmares, every night, about the attack. Last night, being here with Harry, was the safest I've felt in years. It was the first time I slept a full night without waking up in a panic. I know they can't find me here."

Severus sat beside her where she was curled on the couch with Harry. There was a new distance between them, but he laid a hand on her knee. "I wouldn't put any stock in what Mulciber said. When the Dark Lord returns he wouldn't be pleased to learn that his followers have messed with your family in particular. The Death Eaters won't be able to touch you until then."

The words had meant to be a comfort, but the look she gave him proved otherwise. "But, after that?"

"The Dark Lord won't allow any of us to harm you. You and Harry are his game to finish. I don't think it needs to be said that he'll be bitter about Harry finishing him off. You need to prepare yourself for when that day comes." His voice was softer than before, his thoughts of the day having done him some good after all. "Now." He exhaled. "You wanted to talk?"

She looked at him with relief in her features that he even wanted to entertain the idea. "You were right, about all of it. I should have believed you. It was stupid of me to believe that you could ever truly feel what you told Mulciber." She dropped her gaze from his face, looking anywhere but at him. "Sirius betrayed us. I thought he would keep us safe, but instead he's the reason that James is dead. He was one of our closest friends and he turned us in without a second thought. Maybe I was afraid you'd done the same."

"I understand." He placed a finger beneath her downturned chin and tilted it upwards. "I swore I would keep the two of you safe before I ever dreamed of this moment happening. I took the job because I meant it, not because I believed it'd bring you back. It's my duty to keep you safe and that isn't going to change, no matter who I have to lie to."

"I know that, now…I shouldn't have doubted you." She looked around what he knew was a very depressing place to live. It didn't help his mental state any to be locked in this place. "I know you'd never willingly choose this life."

Severus agreed with a bob of the head, following her gaze. "Why has it always been this way? Even as children, with all the evidence pointing to me, you believed Petunia."

She looked back at him then, running her fingers absentmindedly through Harry's stick straight, yet eternally messy locks. "I was afraid you'd be wrong, that beside the fact I could fly and grow flowers in my hand, I wasn't magical. It was much more practical to prepare myself for the possibility that you were lying, than to believe you and be disappointed."

"And every other time? What about the incident with Remus? You didn't even ask me what had happened. You were too caught up in the fact that James had 'saved' me."

Lily nodded sadly, chewing on her bottom lip. "Explain it to me now."

Severus watched her, not quite sure if it would be a wise thing to do when she'd grown so close to the Marauders. He eventually decided it needed to be said and drew in a large breath. "You knew I had my suspicions about Remus. I let my curiosity override common sense. Sirius was sick of me trying to prove their secret and took advantage of it. He told me to meet them at the shack. After everything they put me through I was determined to find some way to get them expelled, to lessen my burden, and I foolishly listened. I wasn't aware that the tunnel ended with such a gaping entryway. Remus was inches away from biting me when James yanked me back. He  _did_ save me, but he shouldn't have needed to."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut in shame as he finished. She breathed heavily before shaking her head. "They made it seem as though all of it was your decision. I wasn't told that Sirius had pushed you into doing it."

"If I had died, Lils, it wouldn't have been just my life that Sirius destroyed, but Remus' as well. They never understood that what they did was wrong. There were several snide comments over the years about my gullibility and that Remus would get me eventually."

"Sev, I-" She stammered.

He tucked a stray piece of deep red hair behind her ear. "I wasn't looking for your forgiveness when I came to Gryffindor tower. I didn't expect it after what I'd said. But, I'd hoped that you'd at least listen. When you ended things you took the last piece of light from my life. I was stuck with the very people you despised. I don't blame you for what I chose to do with my life. It was my action alone that caused me to join the Dark Lord. I just wish you could have heard me out over the years instead of blaming me for everything that went wrong."

"I should have, I get that, I made plenty of my own mistakes and I'd like the chance to make it up to you, if you'll have me." She gave him a hopeful smile, the corners of her lips turned upward in a slight grin.

"That's something you've never been able to understand either." He returned the smile with a slight one of his own. "That's all I've ever wanted." His hand went to the back of her neck, digging into her hair. She drew closer to him, her eyes closing. They melted in each other's touch, lips moving in sync as they forgave one another wordlessly. Severus let slip a low, guttural groan at her loving touch.

A small voice broke through the trance, uttering in confusion at what he saw. "Dada?"

Severus froze, his entire body stiffening as he broke contact with Lily. He swiped a hand across his mouth, wiping away the shared spittle. He was horrified. She watched him, her mouth having turned into a hard, flat line, her dimples deepening. He was expecting her to burst into tears, to correct Harry, when she burst into laughter instead.

Severus' horror was intensified at the light sound. " _You find this funny?_ "

She shook her head vigorously, unable to contain her laughter long enough to speak. The noise reverberated off of the empty walls, filling the room. As her giggles died down several long moments later, she spoke again. "The fact that he said it? No. The look on your face? Extremely."

He glared at her, scowling as the laughter resumed. Placing a hand under each of the child's armpits, he lifted Harry gently, holding the boy on his lap. Harry sat so that he was staring up at Severus' face in awe. "I hate to break it to you, kid, but your mother's gone mental."

Lily swatted him playfully. "Don't be so mean."

Severus couldn't help the coy smile that he gave her in return. Her gaze flickered downwards again, going to his hands that still held the small boy. Her face grew serious, the easiness of the moment disappearing. "Where did the bruises come from?"

He too looked down at his own hand and the marks that they bore. "I'm sure it comes as a surprise, but I have a bit of a temper…and a hole in my wall."

"You're right, I had no idea." She smirked momentarily. "What about the others, in the memory?"

The small smile that had still remained on his face fell entirely. He remembered that day far too well. "The Dark Lord. The cruciatus curse, among other things, I'm afraid."

"He did that to you? Why?" She adopted a horrified look which surprised him. Lord Voldemort wasn't known for his hospitality.

"I failed my mission. I'm not sure if I told you before, but he'd desired for me to work here for some time. Albus, understandably, turned me down immediately."

"You-know-who tortured you because you weren't qualified for a  _job?_ "

Harry gripped Severus finger tightly, breaking him slightly out of his despair. He found himself growing attached to Potter's child and he wasn't sure how to take that. "He isn't a reasonable man."

Lily bit her lip again. "I had to change you last night-"

"I'm aware." His voice flattened again into an even tone. Even though it had happened for purely platonic and kind reasons, he wasn't entirely pleased that it had happened.

"-I noticed that the scars are still there. Why didn't you heal them? Surely you know how."

It was like he could feel the wounds etched into his skin at her comment. He became hyper aware of the marks that covered his body. "It certainly isn't from a lack of knowledge, merely what I feel I deserve." He flexed the fingers of his bruised hand, having the same reasoning for those.

"That's mental, Sev. You can't honestly believe-"

"I do. I don't expect you to understand. The pain is a reminder of the things I've done. I'm no stranger to it after all these years. When I was a child I  _couldn't_ heal them. Mum no longer used magic and the doctor was out of the question."

Lily shook her head. "You've paid enough." She pulled Harry off of his lap and into her own arms. Standing, she made her way to a cot Severus hadn't realized was there. He assumed she had conjured it the night before. She placed the now fussing, but pajama clad child inside of it despite his protests before making her way back to him.

She sat closer to him than before and he leaned back against the cushions. She followed suit, laying her head on his chest. His arms came up around her, holding her tight. Her head of hair was so close to him that the scent of jasmine and vanilla radiated off of her and to him. He breathed in her heavenly scent, one she had had her whole life. His eyes fluttered shut and he relaxed beneath her, suddenly feeling tired. The relaxation was dampened only by Harry's occasional cries.

"When do you have to leave?" Her voice was soft, having taken on a loving and hopeful tone.

"Not for some time. My patrol starts at midnight."

She shifted her head against him so that she was looking up into his face before freeing herself from his entwined grip. Lily leaned closer to him again, this time going for his mouth, rather than back to their snuggled position. She kissed him gently, but there was a passion burning under the gesture that surprised him. He returned the affection eagerly.

Her tongue slipped inside his mouth suddenly, taking him by surprise as it drew expert circles on his own. She stood clumsily from not allowing the contact to be broken and tugged at the fabric of his clothes. Severus allowed her to guide him, allowed himself to stand and follow her in a trance like state. She backed up slowly, in the direction of the bedroom as she still clung tightly to his robes.

A bulge began growing in his pants as he realized what was about to happen. It pressed against her leg and he expected Lily to jump backwards, to regret what she was eliciting in him. Instead, her kisses grew more passionate and they backed into the other room.

When the door was shut they worked furiously at each others clothes, undoing buttons and clasps and leaving a puddle of fabric in their wake. He backed her up further still until the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed, causing her to buckle and fall onto it. He fell with her, leaning over her naked body.

Severus pulled back, examining her. His eyes traveled down her smooth skin, taking in her supple breasts and wide hips. He sat up straighter, a knee placed on each side of the bed over her. His hands grazed her figure lightly, ever so gently touching her skin. They moved downwards slowly, causing her to shiver, stopping when they reached her love handles.

His eyes found her face and he noticed she was looking at him in what he assumed was a similar way. He felt self conscious suddenly, knowing that his own body was less than perfect. He leaned forward again, capturing her lips in a kiss in an effort to distract her.

His mouth wandered from hers to her cheek and down to her earlobe. He nibbled gently on the sensitive skin behind her ear before dipping lower and moving down the curve of her neck to her shoulder. Her hand grabbed his dick suddenly, causing him to take in a sharp breath of surprise before smiling greedily against her.

Her fingers dropped then and she placed her palms on his side, urging him to change positions. Severus did as he was told, sliding a hand beneath her and flipping the two of them so that he was on the bottom.

Her knees were at the sides of him then and she hovered over him teasingly. His fingers went to her tits, feeling at the firm underside in revenge. She dropped her body so that he slid inside of her. A moan escaped his lips at the sudden change in events.

Lily began rocking her hips against him and an overwhelming sensation took over. A tingle of satisfaction spread through every cell of his body as she moved up and down, back and forth. His hands moved higher, feeling her areolas before finding the hardened bumps of her nipples.

He began to twist them and she threw her head back, hair hanging down between her shoulder blades. Her mouth was open and a gasp escaped it. "Sev…" His name was dragged out slowly and he found himself impossibly even more turned on at the alluring sound of his name rolling over her tongue.

He fought for the control that he knew was slipping , having no desire for this moment to end. The thrusting stopped suddenly and her head fell forward again. The controlled movements turned into sporadic jerks as she began to shake on top of him. Her moans grew louder and Severus was glad that they had placed a silencing charm on the room. She shuddered as he fingered her nipples still before finally letting go inside of her.

Lily remained on top of him a minute more before collapsing beside him on the small bed. She curled up in the crook of his arm, sweaty and exhausted. She breathed heavily beside him and Severus couldn't help but smile at what they had just done.

He shifted on the mattress, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she ran a finger softly over one of the many scars that filled his skin. "Merlin, you're gorgeous." He whispered in her ear with a gentle blow of breath. Lily smirked beside him and in the dim light he could see a brilliant red filling her cheeks. "I'm not sure if I accept your apology, we'll have to do that again in order for me to decide."

She pushed him. "Very funny. Your wit is sharper than ever." She rolled over so that her still bare backside was pressed against him. He moved to his side too, draping an arm across her slender waist and drifting off peacefully.


	11. Coming Home

Nothing disappears  
Even the pain we've been through  
But all I need is here  
Don't wanna live without you  
Simplify - Young the Giant

xxxx

Lily awoke hours later in the pitch black room. Propping herself on her elbows she felt the space next to her that Severus had so recently occupied and found it empty. The sheets were cold, telling her that he'd been gone for sometime. She pulled the bed covers higher, suddenly feeling very exposedfor reasons other than the fact she was naked.

She fell back on the pillow, placing a hand over her face. The fabric of the bed was imbued with his scent of herbs and old parchment. Ordinarily it would have provided a sense of safety, as though he was still here with his arms around her. Instead she felt dirty for what they had done. Her intention coming here had never been to fall in bed with him.

She'd let herself get caught up in the moment and the way he looked at her. Lily had allowed her emotions to take over her logic and forgotten the fact she'd been recently widowed and was supposed to be grieving. How she could forget that even she didn't understand. She was sick with herself for how easily she'd moved on.

A prickle began suddenly in the corners of her eyes. It wasn't long before the tears brimmed, spilling down the sides of her face. It wasn't an ugly sobbing that contorted her features, but a soft, quiet cry of shame. The door opened suddenly and Severus' fully dressed figure was illuminated by the low light of the other room. She wiped at the wet trails leading down her face, desperate to hide the evidence when he sat beside her.

"I was afraid of this." He breathed lightly, leaning over and smoothing her hair. "I shouldn't have let things go so far."

Lily chuckled despite herself. It was so like him to assume all of the blame. "I could have stopped it too."

"You deserve to be happy, Lils. You can't continue to beat yourself up over how you think James would react. His opinion doesn't matter anymore."

"It's easier said than done." She replied weakly as she reached up, grabbing his wrist. "It all happened so fast." Her eyes went to the still open door, to the room in which her son was sleeping peacefully. "He thinks you're his  _father_. It's like James never even existed." The humor she'd found in the moment the night before was gone now.

He heaved a sigh, Lily could tell what he was about to say wasn't easy. "I think you need to get out of here, grieve properly, find Remus, decide what you want. I'll be waiting whenever you're ready."

She sniffed, trying to stem her running nose. "I think I need that too."

Xxxx

Lily stood on the familiar worn out stoop of Remus' home. It was secluded for werewolf related reasons, surrounded by forest for kilometers all around. From all appearances it looked abandoned, as if it would collapse at any moment. It was magically reinforced, making the building perfect for keeping away passersby while still being an acceptable place of living.

She bounced Harry on her hip as she waited for him answer. Silence responded to her knock and she stood in the biting, end of winter chill. It had been nearly two years since the last time she was here while for James it had only been months. Just as she was about to leave, the heavy door was pulled open.

Golden light from a fire within fell on her and Harry around Remus' frame. She smiled slightly at his tired eyes and lined mouth. His werewolf years had taken their toll and had already begun to age him. He smiled back hesitantly, unsure what to make of her sudden appearance.

"Where have you been, Remus?" Her voice wavered beyond her control. The resentment she'd felt towards him finally making it's way out. "We're the last ones left. Why, after everything I've lost, did  _I_  have to come to  _you_?"

His eyes widened slightly at the accusation before he gripped her arm, pulling her inside. "Uncle Rem, Uncle Rem." Harry pouted, arms outstretched for the broken man. Remus leaned his head back slightly, eyes rolling upwards momentarily as he grabbed the boy.

Lily watched him apprehensively, confused by the annoyance that had crossed his face. "Are we bothering you?" She crossed her now free arms defensively and her feet remained rooted to the spot despite the inviting warmth of the fire place.

"No,  _no."_ His eyes met the mesmerizing green ones of Harry and an expression of bliss crossed his features. "The little buck could never- you could never."

"Then  _why?_ " She reiterated. "It's been five months and we've heard  _nothing_ from you. Harry missed his uncle on Christmas, on New Year's… It's just been us." She began to break, the ire giving way to anguish. She was so bloody tired of crying. Remus closed the inches between them, draping an arm over her shoulder. Lily leaned into him, her face resting against the cotton of his clothes. His lips brushed against her crown and she closed her eyes, hugging him in return.

"I should have been there." He murmured. "It was selfish of me to wallow and forget that the two of you were suffering just as- even more."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut. "It isn't fair, none of it." She felt his jaw grow hard against her and knew he felt similar. "I just wonder if maybe he hadn't been such an infuriating  _Gryffindor,_ if he'd run with us instead of foolishly holding him off…"

His grip tightened around her as he squeezed her shoulder. "If he wasn't such a Gryffindor I would have had to bury all three of you." Remus separated from her, tugging her farther into the room. It was much more inviting than the outside made it appear. Before they'd gone into hiding, this place had been like a second home to all of them. But, that feeling had since disappeared. Now she felt like a stranger standing beside him.

"Lily?"

The sound of her name broke her from whatever trance she hadn't realized she had entered. She blinked, finding his face again. A frown crossed her face at the realization she had made. "You knew James."

Remus placed Harry on the ground, watching her apprehensively. "Astute observation. What's your point?"

"You knew him longer than I ever could have." Her fingers found the edges of her hair and she ran the strands between her fingers. "Had it been me, had I been the one who died, what do you think James would have done?"

"Done?" His face contorted as he tried to understand what exactly she was getting at. Lily dropped her gaze under the ruse of watching Harry who had a tendency to get into mischief. "He would have been devastated. You know that."

"But, for how long?" She watched him from the corner of her eye as her son began pulling books from a nearby shelf. She hurried to his side, pulling the binding from the boy's chubby hands and knowing that Remus' stare was on her back.

Is there…someone else?" There was a hint of something in his voice she couldn't read, couldn't even begin to comprehend.

"I…don't know. I didn't expect it, I certainly don't understand it…I'm afraid it's too soon."

"How long has this been going on?"

"I can't give you the answer to that either." She hadn't realized just how little she knew about this situation with Severus. "I've been hesitant about letting it actually turn into anything."

"Who are you hurting here?" The gruffness there caused her to take in a sharp breath. She had chosen the wrong person to ask. Lily opened her mouth to take it all back when he beat her to it. "James? What is he going to do about it? Harry? Because he needs someone else that can be there for him."

Lily stared back, surprised at the turn the conversation had taken. She wanted to trust Remus and spit it all out, but the trust was harder to give after what Sirius had done to them. Severus needed their newfound closeness to stay between them for his own safety, for hers and Harry's safety. She thought about his conversation with Mulciber and the front Severus had put on in order to keep  _her_ safe. It was necessary for her to do the same. "I think he can do that, would be more than willing to do that." She shook away the realization, wishing to work the rest of it out on her own. Just knowing he didn't find her betrayal disgusting was enough. Desperate for a distraction she found the sleeping crup on the far side of the room.

Lily approached the dog like creature, a grin spreading on her face. Her fingers went across the animal's soft fur, dividing the white and red hairs. "Hey, buddy." She cooed, causing his no longer forked tail to thump in response. He licked his lips gently, staring up into her face.

"He's missed our runs, now he just has me and I'm afraid it isn't the same."

She turned to face Remus again who still stood near the door with his hands in his pockets. The pain on Remus' face was apparent and Lily knew Romulus wasn't the only one to miss their runs. "He did have a special affection for snuffles."

"The full moon is coming up. You wouldn't be interested? For old times sake?"

The mere thought of fresh forest air filling her lungs was enough to make her agree. It had been far too long since she had joined Remus. She knew the change was hard on him, it always had been, but the Marauders had been there. Every month for  _years_  they had changed along side him, providing a sense of freedom he hadn't known was possible. The last five months he'd been utterly alone.

She felt selfish suddenly for having accused him of not caring when in fact he hadn't been her priority either. "For old time's sake." She agreed with a smirk. Remus shot her a genuine smile, clearly overjoyed by their agreement. Romulus' tail pounded still against the hardwood floor of the cabin like building as if he could understand what they'd decided upon.

Xxxx

Severus was seated behind his classroom desk, feet propped on top of it and ankles crossed. A stack of parchment sat in his lap and a owl feathered quill rested in his hand. On the opposite side of the classroom was Robert Spenwel, sorting through flobberworms with a nauseous look on his face.

As Severus watched, the resentment he felt towards the students in general seemed to have dissipated slightly. He found himself less hopeless than before, found a desire to  _fight._ Protecting Harry had always been the plan, before the Dark Lord had ever fallen. He'd dreaded the day when he'd come upon the boys face, not knowing just how much the boy would look or act like his father.

Had Harry come into his life as a child rather than the baby Severus was coming to know, he might not have found forgiveness such an easy option. At first the Potter spawn had put him off. The very sight of the boy caused his stomach to turn unpleasantly with memories of what James had done to him. But, as Lily insisted on hanging around, Severus was beginning to realize how much of his mother the child had in him as well.

It was foolish to know the boy on such a personal level. The memories would be harder to sort, to keep from the Dark Lord when the day came, but he couldn't help himself. He was personally indebted to Harry, or rather, to his mother. It was Lily specifically that had provided him the new ray of hope in such a dim life. He found himself flocking to her like a moth to flame, irreversibly and dangerously attracted. Loathe as he was to admit it, Albus had been right.

He'd given up hope long ago that he should ever even lay his eyes on her again. After the countless mistakes he had made, protecting them seemed painfully like the right thing to do. He'd simply planned on doing it from afar.

Sending her away like he had the morning, specifically to a man he despised, wasn't easy. The two of them had only just begun whatever this was. There was only a thread between them that had yet to form into a rope. He was terrified that Remus would somehow undo the small amount of progress they'd made only the night before.

A light knock came at the door, breaking him from his thoughts and he swung his legs down, returning to a normal position as Professor Quigg entered. Her eyes went first to Spenwel who seemed to have not noticed her intrusion, focused solely on touching as few dead worms as possible, before she approached him with a whisper. "A word?"

Severus nodded slightly, gesturing to a nearby chair. She dragged it over so that she was opposite him before taking a seat. Checking once more that the boy wasn't listening she spoke again. "I've been discussing unforgivable curses with my fourth years this week." She removed a roll of parchment from the interior of her robes, passing it to him. "Some of them turned in rather dark assignments."

Severus scanned the parchment. "Gibbon, of course." He scowled, unsurprised, but disappointed nonetheless. The Slytherin did have a nasty interest in dark magic, not unlike his own at that age.

"Much of what he's written we didn't discuss in class."

Lifting a finger to halt the conversation, Severus peeked above the edge of the paper at Spenwel who's work had noticeably slowed. Surely he was eavesdropping as best he could. "That's enough." Severus called out to him. "Rest assured they'll still be waiting for you tomorrow." The Ravenclaw's shoulders slumped and he released a small a groan. Severus lifted an eyebrow in exaggeration. "I wasn't aware decaying worms we're your forte? I'll be sure to keep it in mind for your next detention."

"But, sir-"

Severus gritted his teeth at the whiny voice. "Five points from Ravenclaw for insubordination. Go." Spenwel headed for the door, face full of irritation and Severus was determined to dock more for such absurdity. The previous decreased resentment suddenly came back full force.

When the two of them were finally alone again he placed a nonverbal muffliato and resumed speaking. "I apologize for the interruption. As I was about to say, Gibbon's father is a Death Eater. I would be concerned if Gibbon  _wasn't_ educated on such spells."

She ignored the comment and instead pointed to a paragraph towards the end of the essay. "Knowledge isn't necessarily my concern. It seems he might be experimenting with a similar spell. He certainly gloats about the potential."

Severus sucked the inside of his cheek in thought. "I must say, I'm surprised the cruciatus curse was his choice." The words were muttered more to himself than anything as he considered something. "I'll speak to him." Severus sighed louder. That was the problem being head of Slytherin. His protégés had a higher tendency for death and destruction than the other houses. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention." He stood in an effort to dismiss her as he collected the stack of his own assignments he had been grading.

"Is it true?" She blurted, all pretenses of pretending having vanished. "You're one of  _them_?"

"More or less." The answer was strained, there was no need for her to know the truth. "If you'll excuse me, I have a busy night ahead." He lifted the rolls in his hand as if she wouldn't understand otherwise. He would have gladly left her here had he trusted her to lock up the expensive and potentially dangerous potions ingredients. She skirted the room finally and he followed quickly after.

Xxxx

Lily heard the heavy lock of the door click and her head jerked upwards. Severus paused at the sight of her before hurrying inside and redoing the charm. His armful of who knows what was deposited on a table to be forgotten as he rushed to her. "I wasn't expecting to see you for some time."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you." She blushed at the desire in his eyes.

"I'm utterly devastated." He shot her a sarcastic grin and she wondered if he would have kissed her if not for their conversation that morning.

She straightened, prepared for the speech she had rehearsed in his absence. "Remus made me realize something today. You're simple." A frown formed on his lips and his brow furrowed. She hurried on before he could come to the wrong conclusion. "I was afraid we were moving too fast, but I didn't realize until today that with you everything seems simple, right.  _You_ are the decision I didn't realize was so easy all along." She eyed him hopefully, but he betrayed nothing. " Other than James, Remus was the one I was closest to. Seeing him used to feel like coming home. But, when I was there today it felt like any other place. Even if it happened fast, I can't deny the fact that home has taken the shape of  _you."_

Seeming to forget that Harry was in the same room, Severus leaned forward, snogging her breathlessly. " _Stop."_ She breathed beneath him in laughter as she pushed him backwards. When he removed himself from her she thought she noticed the hint of pink filling his cheeks, something so very  _un-severus._ She gazed farther at his features, feeling a fluttering in her chest.

His eyes glittered as he watched her, the coal black eyes resembling that of diamonds instead. There was an emptiness there she hadn't seen in years. For the first time she could see that his occlumency barriers had been torn down, leaving everything out in the open. She didn't need legilimency to read what lay there, a mix of desire, euphoria, and to her surprise – fear. "What's bothering you?"

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "After a revelation like that you have the audacity to believe I could be upset?" He kissed her again, it was her guess that he was trying to silence any further questions. He pulled back again a minute later, moving from hanging over her to dropping beside her on the sofa and sliding his shoes off with his feet.

Lily watched the way he stared at Harry, almost as if he was confused. His guard had gone back up at the mention of his fear and now all she could see was the fact he was having an argument with himself. She was intrigued by whatever it could be about. Dropping her sight she found that he was fiddling with his wand and she realized there was so much to the man he'd become that she didn't understand.


	12. Losing Time

Severus was unnerved at having the Headmaster in his home. Despite having grown rather close to the man, this was a bit much. Severus rarely let people so far into his personal life. The only person who had made the list was Lily, and even she remained in the dark about some things.

What was almost worse was how comfortable Dumbledore appeared to be. The man had completely disregarded the stained furniture and slowly crumbling walls. He instead treated this place like his own home, a smile plastered on his face as he settled deep into the aged cushions.

It was smart, of course, eliminated suspicion. Severus felt as though he was always closeted inside Dumbledore's office, particularly recently. With his trial coming up in just a few short weeks, he didn't want to appear to be in cahoots with Dumbledore, despite the fact he was.

Lily provided another problem. It wouldn't do to have a woman seen near him so often, whether or not she was disguised. Being a sensitive matter, this required a fair amount of discretion, something he could never get enough of. Since she insisted on helping, that wasn't a problem he could get rid of.

"I refuse to destroy any more of my privacy than necessary.” He shot Dumbledore a pointed look, still rather furious that he had shared his memories with Lily. “That’s not what my memories were intended to be used for when I offered them to you.”

Dumbledore smiled back, despite the anger in Severus’ voice that he had done nothing to hide. “It achieved what I intended to, didn’t it?”

Severus scowled back at him, unwilling to bend for Dumbledore’s satisfaction. “That is currently not an option.”

Dumbledore quite literally waved it off with a bat of his hand. “It shouldn’t be necessary by any means. One advantage of being me is my ability to sway others. My position in the school, and the Ministry, has given me a sense of power others bow down to.”

“Are we here to celebrate your pride? Or were there other reasons for this meeting?” He rolled his eyes in annoyance. From the corner of his eye he saw Lily watching them intently. There was a satisfied smirk on her face, barely concealed by her hand. She clearly enjoyed watching the exchange.

The headmaster gave a scoff of his own, entertained by Severus’ discomfort like usual. “My _point_ , Severus, is that my testimony and assurance of keeping an eye on you should be enough. If it isn’t-“ He turned to Lily finally, addressing her for the first time. “-we’ll have Lily’s as a backup.”

“I’m not sure it’s enough.” His voice was uncharacteristically quiet. “Words aren’t the same as evidence.” Severus stared down into the nearly empty glass of brandy that was clutched tightly in his hand.

It was clear that Dumbledore was aware of the growing intimacy between them. He’d interfered enough in their lives for it to be apparent, yet they still, normally, fought to hide it. This was one of the rare times they didn’t. It was a small gesture, the slight movement of Lily’s hand as she placed it on his knee. “The pensieve is your only other option, unless you can think of something else?” He shook his head despondently. “Then maybe it would be best just to trust us.”

He watched her intently, taking in the soft button nose and the freckles that dotted it. “And what if it doesn’t work? What if I _do_ go to Azkaban? There will be no more of –“ Severus gestured between them.” – and no more…Harry.” The line between his brows deepened for a split second. He was surprised how much the boy had grown on him.

He remembered looking into the pram when he had run into them at the potion’s shop. He was ashamed now at the disgust he felt at the boy’s face, or rather, James’ face. He had been unable to differentiate the two of them at the time. Severus couldn’t help feeling that what had changed his view was Lily. Without her, he wasn’t sure he could have come to the same conclusion.

Her eyes had dipped downwards at the corner at his statement, but she fought to hide it with a forced smile. “We’ll figure it out when we come to it.”

Xxxx

Severus had rushed Dumbledore out of his house as quickly as he could. Lily could tell it wasn’t a conversation he enjoyed. His stature around the headmaster was typically relaxed, but when it came to his trial there was a noticeable tension in his shoulders. It was obvious he wanted to tend to other things and they had settled on what could possibly relax him the most: the potion.

The hillside on which they stood was only barely starting to turn green. It hadn't yet recovered from the uncharacteristically cold winter which had deadened it all. The yellow blades of grass beginning to flush with an ivy shade of green, leaving patches of color throughout the hills. The land was dotted with white, almost teardrop shaped flowers.

It was late in the afternoon; the sky was filled with an intoxicating shade of marmalade. As a result of the late hour, the flowers were curled in on themselves, ready for a sleep of their own. Severus plucked them delicately from the ground, careful not to bruise any part of them. He examined every leaf and petal with an almost obsessive care, looking for any imperfections, before they were placed inside the box that sat beside him.

Lily watched from behind as he worked. She shivered despite the heavy pea coat in the March weather of Spain. In contrast, Severus was dressed only in his midnight blue robes and a thin frock coat. She admired his broad shoulders from behind and the way his muscles moved beneath the clothing. She blushed, remembering how they'd moved for her.

She cleared her throat, forcing away the sudden feelings. The slight noise she made in the crisp, but otherwise quiet air, caused Severus to turn. He quirked his eyebrow up questioningly at her. Lily's cheeks began to fill with pink for the expression he gave her was almost one of annoyance. She couldn't help but feel she had interrupted his process.

In an effort to make herself useful, and to take her eyes off him, she approached the box. She shifted the flowers gently to the side, not wanting to ruin the plants that he had picked. "There's nearly twenty, isn't that enough?" Her voice was soft, afraid to disrupt him again. She lifted one of the lone flowers to her nose as she waited for his response and inhaled the fresh scent.

Severus glanced first at the box then at her. "I'm sure it's plenty, but it would be foolish to give up such an inopportune moment for potions supplies in such good condition."

"Have you heard any more from Mr. Scamander?" She returned the plant to it's place and tucked her frigid hands beneath her arms. She was anxious to return to the fireside that always flickered inside his home.

" I have, in fact." He gave an almost imperceptible nod. "In case you've forgotten, I'd hoped to procure some jobberknoll feathers. Newt has some in his possession. You wouldn't happen to be interested in coming with me to see him, would you?" Severus simpered.

She pushed him playfully, causing him to topple from his unbalanced position. As he fell he gripped tightly to her jacket, pulling her with him. Lily fell on the solid ground beside him, emitting a snigger. As she turned her head she found Severus watching her, fighting a smile of his own. Her face grew serious as she looked at him beside her, thinking about how much he had changed in a matter of months.

There were still barriers she couldn't break past, but the cold indifference she had received during their first encounter at the potion's shop had rarely returned. Only when she'd hurt him was the fury visible again in his eyes. There was still quite a bit of distance between them and secrets for her to unlock, but she readily accepted the improvement she had been given.

She reached up, stroking the rough stubble that dotted his chin. He had the same habit as a teenager, allowing his facial hair to grow when he was too focused on another task. That, combined with the greasy hair had always clued her in to when he was preoccupied. His tired eyes were the only difference this time, and she couldn't quite place why. "I would love that." Lily answered finally when her mind had cleared.

He pushed himself from the ground before reaching a hand out to help her. When they were both upright again, he dusted the slight dirt off his trousers and she watched him carefully. There was hint of distraction to his moments, as though he was trying to avoid her. "Are you alright?" She asked quietly, touching the tips of her fingers to the barely exposed skin of his forearm.

When Severus met her eyes again finally the playful glittering that had been there previously had disappeared to be replaced with the all too familiar fear. He brushed away the question and plastered on a smile that didn't reach his eyes like before. "I'm fine." He replied as he bent to pick up the flimsy cardboard box at his feet. "This should be fine, for now. Mulpepper's always has quality products should I need more."

She wondered openly at him, brow furrowing ever so slightly. Only minutes ago, she had been suggesting the very same thing and he had disagreed. Lily pursed her lips in confusion before slipping her hand in his. With a gentle squeeze, he disapparated.

Xxxx

She was curled up on the floor beside him, resting her head on his shoulder while they leaned back against a piece of furniture. He'd retrieved a flannel blanket from upstairs when they’d put Harry to bed, covering most of their bodies with it. His long height prevented him from covering everything and he flexed his frozen toes in front of the roaring fire as consolidation.

Lily had watched him carefully since their return, as if he might spontaneously combust should she say or do the wrong thing. It hadn't taken her long to catch on that something was wrong. Although that presence had been there since the day she'd followed him home, it was clear she hadn't noticed it then, a sign she was working her way through his occlumency. It frightened him that his guard came down so easily, either that or she'd learned how to read him. Either way, it wasn't good. It rooted a worry inside him that others would realize his weakness too.

He needed more conviction, to adhere more rigidly to his own rules, or the Dark Lord might see right through them. Severus reached down, absentmindedly scratching at the mark that lay beneath the fabric.

"Sev." Lily sat up apprehensively, pulling the blanket higher up around herself. It was clear to him this wasn't a conversation she  _wanted_ to have, but rather needed to. "James' birthday is in a few days." The light in her eyes dimmed slightly at his name and Severus felt what he imagined was akin to a bezoar in his stomach at what was to come. "Remus and I agreed to spend it together."

"That's…understandable." He drawled, curious why she thought that would bother him.

"You don't keep track of the moon cycle, do you?" She bit her lip, her eyes softening in what he felt was shame.

Severus straightened, his own eyes narrowing. "Are you trying to tell me you plan on spending the day with a transformed werewolf?" He rolled his eyes in exaggeration. Surely, he didn't have to tell her why  _that_ was a bad idea.

"Not…exactly." She drew in a large breath "I'm an Animagus, James taught me."

He rubbed a hand down his face, starting at his forehead and ending so that his fingers were covering his lips. He stared straight ahead, the bright light of the fire burning his retinas. He was still angry, all these years later, by the way the Marauders had behaved, the careless way they'd treated such a dangerous condition. "I'm not sure what you expect me to say to that." He answered finally, facing her again and blinking away the spots in his eyes.

"It isn't like before, there's no one around." She crossed her arms defiantly, lifting her chin. "Besides, you don't have a say here."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "I wasn't expecting to. You're an adult, you can behave as foolishly as you'd like."

"Good." She consented in slight disappointment. "You aren't even curious what I am?"

"A doe, no question. You were in love with James, it's only logical." He couldn't look at her then, imagining those lips on James' or those…he shuddered, blocking the thought.

"Why is your patronus a doe then?" She asked fiercely, daring him to deny it. Severus' head jerked towards her at the mention, finding a defiant smile playing on her lips. He had waited for this moment to come and only wished that it hadn’t happened yet.

"It's merely a coincidence." He lied. He moved his face back away from hers, not even interested in her expression. It would take a dolt to see through the thin fib he had provided. "I trust you." He continued after an awkward stretch of silence. "Just be careful.”

Her eyes darted between the two of his in surprise. “You aren’t angry?”

Severus sighed, rubbing his hand up and down the skin of her arm. His tongue worked slowly over his lips as he watched her. “I’m not _happy,_ but I know you aren’t as reckless as…” He trailed off, remembering who he was talking to.

“As James.” She finished for him, her voice slightly harder, but her eyes soft nonetheless.

He shifted on the hard floor so that he was sat slightly across from her rather than beside her. His hands brushed beneath her shirt, resting on the soft skin of her hips. He leaned back slowly, drawing her on top of him. Severus kissed her intensely, passion brewing below his belt.

He thought about their conversation earlier that morning, about the potential of him being sent away. His voice dropped to a husky tone that only she could hear. “We shouldn’t waste what little time we have left.”

She leaned forward, closer to him, nibbling on the lobe of his ear. Her tongue drifted lower, running down the skin of his neck. Severus gave in further, allowing her to do as she wished. His clothes were slowly removed, deposited in a pile beside him. He tugged at the fabric of her shirt. “This doesn’t seem fair in the slightest.” He attempted to remove it and Lily pulled back coyly.

He gave a slight chuckle, chest lifting beneath her. “You seem to be one for control.” Rather than words, she responded by dipping her head down between his legs, causing him to groan and tighten his glutes. “And I’m okay with that.”


	13. Transformations

"What exactly do you expect me to do with this?" Severus held Harry an arm's length away as the toddler squirmed to be free of him.

Lily fought to hide the grin that threatened to break out as she watched the sheer terror in Severus' face. She found it laughable that he could face Lord Voldemort, a mass murderer, that he could risk himself every day, yet was entirely incapable of babysitting. "You'll do just fine, I trust you."

His eyes widened comically in surprise as he gaped at her. "Trust wasn't particularly what I was concerned of."

She rolled her eyes back, tossing a chunk of hair over her shoulder as she pushed passed him and farther into the quarters where she collapsed onto the sofa. "Are you forgetting just  _what_ your job entails? Children are a part of it."

"Merlin, you're right. I'd completely forgotten!" He placed Harry on the floor before raising his arms in exaggeration. "The difference is they don't require diaper changes or depend entirely on me for survival." He watched as Harry made for one of the many bookcases and quickly pulled the boy away before he could do any damage.

Lily cleared her throat, pushing away the pain that came at his statement. It was rather ironic that she and Harry should rely on him as protection when far too recently had he been the reason it was necessary. When her eyes refocused, she saw Severus watching her. His head was tipped ever so slightly to the side and his brow was lowered in concern. "I apologize-"

"No, no…" She brushed him off before he could offer more. "I just wasn't expecting this to hurt so much." Her eyes clouded again unexpectedly. She'd been a wreck as the day grew closer. The tears she had previously had under control now spilled far too easily again. Lily was glad she'd be spending her time with Remus. As much as she'd grown to care for Severus, she couldn't bear to look at him while remembering her husband. He would have been 22 and instead he was missing out on  _everything._ She wiped at her eyes, not wishing to put herself or Severus in such an uncomfortable position. She couldn't possibly explain this to him.

He sat tentatively beside her, leaving several inches of space between them. They shared nothing but silence as they watched Harry who was entirely clueless to the situation. Severus lifted his hand slightly and let it hang in the air momentarily before lowering it to her stocking clad knee. His thumb found the indent just beside her kneecap and ran it across the space. "You don't have to-" She started.

"I know." His voice was soft and came out wearily and hushed. She turned her head slowly to look at him and found that his occlumency mask had reappeared. The light, playfulness that had been there upon her arrival had been replaced with a blank exterior as he looked at her. She wished he would drop the bloody appearance, if for no other reason that it was just the two of them. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him from this fog he felt forced to produce.

Instead, Lily melted beside him, her body lopping sideways until she was flush against him. He didn't move, didn't react, only remained stoically watching her. She wanted to curl up on the spot and disappear entirely, to cave in on herself and enter a world that was painless compared to this existence.

A soft exhale of breath was felt suddenly on her forehead. His lips were millimeters away from her skin and he breathed lightly for a second before brushing them across the worried wrinkles etched there. The force behind the gesture built and her eyelids drifted closed at the touch.

"Harry and I will be fine." He murmured, barely audible.

She swallowed the growing lump in her throat. "I'm not concerned." She assented.

"How soon is he expecting you?"

She glanced at the black watch on his wrist, the one she had given him in fourth year. "About ten minutes ago."

Severus removed himself from her which elicited a confusing feeling of relief and disappointment. She took the cue and stood herself, brushing the non-existent dust from her pale pink skirt. "I'll be back to get him early tomorrow morning. Will that be alright?"

A hint of vexation entered his face, one she wouldn't have noticed she should not have paid attention. "It's only two days. There are house elves at Hogwarts that can help if I’m indisposed." He stood too and fidgeted slightly beside her. It was clear that he wanted to reach out and grasp her, but he kept his distance. Lily knew how worried he was, how mental he thought this excursion was. She was thankful that despite his opinions, he kept his tongue to himself. "Be careful, Lis." There was a hardly noticeable tremble in the way he said her name. Any other day she would have fallen into his arms, but it simply wasn't bearable at the moment.

Instead, she moved towards Harry, lifting him into her arms. Her chin rested on his shoulder, their cheeks touching as she hugged him tightly. Having better things to do, Harry fought against the affection. She resisted, scared to leave him. "I will be." She answered finally before passing Harry to him and disapparating.

Xxxx

Lily had gone to Hogwarts to drop off Harry just after dinner time. It was a Friday evening, one of the few days in the week Severus didn't have rounds as it was fulfilled by other professors. Life had lined up extraordinarily well that he should be available. Although he likely hadn’t realized it, his babysitting was a test more than anything. If they wanted to be together, _really_ be together, he needed to prove he was comfortable with Harry and this was the perfect way to do it.

She trusted him, she knew he would never let Harry be harmed. Being willing to care for him however was another matter. Wondering on it would provide the distraction she needed tonight. Had today been like the ones of the past, she and James would currently be celebrating his birthday. That wasn’t something she wished to think about any more than necessary.

Romulus' tail beat lowly against the door frame at the sight of her, the sound thumping away her worries. Lily reached down, scratching beneath his chin before stepping inside past Remus. Deep purple bags hung under his eyes and the rest of his skin held a sallow, sickly appearance. The transformations took their toll and he seemed to diminish more with each one. It had been nearly two years since she had done this, since she had seen him during the full moon and the change in him was drastic. He looked as though any exertion would break him entirely.

“Are you ready for this?” She beamed up at him as she straightened from where she was bent over the crup.

“More than ever.” He smiled back despite the exhaustion that was prevalent in his features. Once he had fully transformed and the pain was over the night would easier for him. The dust colored sky had been drained of all its color, telling them it was nearly time. She had spent more time with Severus than she had realized.

Lily stepped in past the door that was left open for the transformation. Romulus bounded happily beside her as she walked further into the house. When she reached a room in which she could be alone, one she would return to several hours later, she began to undress. She had learned the hard way that transforming without it ruined a perfectly good set of robes.

When the pale pink of before was puddled on the floor and her willow wand was laid on a dresser did she begin.  Mumbling the incantation her body began to shrink, bending forward. Her fingers curled into fists before being replaced by ebony colored hooves. Fur reminiscent of her red hair began to sprout from her skin. Seconds after she had begun there was a doe that stood where she had been.

She blinked her large, almond shaped eyes and drew breath in through her now velvet nose. There was a sense of freedom she felt being back in this form. It was if nothing had changed. Gripping her wand in her teeth, she wandered back to where she knew Remus would be waiting for her.

Remus sat, hands gripped tightly in his hair. His breathing seemed ragged and she knew the transformation was close. The light outside grew dimmer by the moment as night fell. She watched him painfully as the minutes dragged by. Even if she’d been able to speak, she wasn’t sure she would have had anything to say.

Suddenly, after what felt like an eternity, Remus’ shoulders began to heave. His head was thrown backwards, and a shriek of pain escaped his lips. Lily winced, never having gotten used to watching this. Romulus cowered in a corner, seeming to hate it just as much as she.

His fingers dug into the already shredded arms of the chair as his nail grew. He fought against the change, clawing at his own face in an attempt to stop the teeth from sprouting. Lily turned her face away from him, unable to watch it any longer. The cries of agony he emitted were disturbing enough and she half regretted coming here.

When the sounds stopped, and the room was only filled with the sound of heavy breathing did she turn back. Remus stood, no longer a man, sniffing at the air. The robe that he had been clad in lay deposited on the ground. His face turned to hers, watching her carefully.

The hunger on his face terrified her and she was afraid the Animagus form might not be enough. Facing forward again, Remus darted through the open door and out into the woods. Lily trotted after him in relief, Romulus right behind her.

Remus was faster than she remembered, and she picked up the pace, following in the fresh tracks that had been dug in the ground by his clawed feet. The apprehension she’d felt before disappeared in the cool night hair. Instead she relished in the pounding of her feet on the hard, leaf littered ground and the cool air that filled her lungs. There was a sort of exhilaration that made her forget just why she was here as she followed after Remus’ furry behind.

Xxxx

Severus watch Harry, not quite sure what to do with him. He’d conjured a set of blocks, which he and the boy had stacked and restacked countless times. He himself had grown bored of the activity quickly and was anxious to do something that wasn’t so entirely mind numbing, but still Harry carried on.

Lily had left him no instruction. He knew near nothing about her child or how exactly to care for him and found himself irritated that she had provided him _nothing_. The entirety of this situation hadn’t been expected. Watching a toddler play for all hours wasn’t exactly the night he had originally planned, having instead wished to escape to his books. He hadn’t even planned on staying _here_ , Lily had simply caught him before he could leave.

All the time he had spent with Harry in the past had been supervised by Lily, a method of which he preferred.

“Dipkey!” He called into the empty space, probably more harshly than he had meant to. A soft “pop” filled the room and the miniature house elf stood in front of him.

“Master Snape?” She squeaked, her jowls wobbling with the movement. The small elf rung her hands as she started at him timidly before glancing at Harry. Her tennis ball sized eyes widened at the sight of a child in his care.

Severus grit his teeth, forcing out the words as he gestured to Harry. “You will not tell _anyone,_ man or elf, that you saw him here. Is that understood?” Dipkey nodded so fast that the bagging skin of her face shook as Severus continued. His voice dropped into a softer tone. “Would you be able to find him something to eat? Child care isn’t one of my specialties.”

“Y-yes, Sir.” She choked before disapparating again.

Severus turned back to look at the toddler and found him staring at the space Dipkey had just stood in wonder. Severus hadn’t thought of the fact that Harry likely had never seen such a creature before. “That was a house elf.” He reasoned, foolishly believing Harry could understand such a thing.

“Hows ef” Harry repeated in awe.

A wide grin spread across Severus’ face for reasons he didn’t entirely understand. Before he could reply, Dipkey reappeared with a tray of food.

“Hows ef” Harry said again, reaching for her. Dipkey froze, likely as unfamiliar with such young things as Severus was.

Severus took the tray from her, examining the bowl of oatmeal and the banana that lay beside it. _Soft foods._ He thought to himself, willing to remember that. “Thank you, Dipkey, that will be all.”  She disapparated again, leaving the two of them alone.

Severus plucked Harry from the ground before taking his own seat at the small table, Harry resting in his lap. He passed Harry the miniature spoon and watched him, unsure if he was doing the right thing. Harry dug in hungrily, taking large spoonfuls of food. Very little made it to his mouth, the rest splashing down on him and Severus instead.

Severus couldn’t help being slightly put off by the mess, something he had never cared for after the house he grew up in. He was meticulous about his appearance, although not in the way people would expect. He was an unusually clean person, keeping his robes spotless and showering on a regular basis.

It was the single irritation he had with potions. The fumes gave his hair a greasy appearance and occasionally splashed onto the fabric of his robes. It was nothing, however, compared to the flax colored splatters that now dotted him and Harry.

When Harry fought to get down, seeming to be done with the small meal, did Severus cast a cleaning charm on the both of them. The mess was wiped quickly away from the fleece pajamas Harry had come in and from the black robes that Severus was adorned in.

He carried Harry into the small bedroom, assuming it was long past the boy’s bedtime. He conjured a small cot set up in the corner and placed Harry inside. The toddler’s lower lip began to tremble almost instantaneously.

“No, no, no.” Severus fought, eyes slightly wider. “Don’t cry.” With a heavy sigh he lifted Harry back up. He was utterly flustered and anxious for Lily to return.

Xxxx

They’d been running in the expanse forest for hours, having wandered far away from Remus’ home. Soon she’d have to prod him back in that direction, a feat she wasn’t sure how to do by herself. Surely, they were running out of the safety of the trees, treading close to man kind again. Remus had slowed, pausing beneath the tree tops for a rest.

Lily darted between the trees, looking for a place of safety. As she drifted further away from him, she glanced over what would normally be her shoulder. His hairy form was just visible in the dim light of the moon and he paid no attention to her. Determining it was safe she transformed back into a human.

Her jaw ached from carrying the wand for who knew how long. Opening her teeth she allowed the thin wood to drop down into her hand. She cast the patronus quickly, it wouldn’t take long for Remus to sniff her out, but she was anxious to check on Harry.

The blue, formless, ball of light hung in front of her. The edges of it were fuzzy as it fought to find a shape and Lily watched it curiously. It had so easily taken the form of a doe in the past and now it hovered, seeming to be as confused as she was. Feathered wings emerged suddenly, flapping in the night air. The form grew more clear until it was nothing like a doe at all, but rather a bird instead. Hooked talons hung above her along with a sharp beak. The bird had shadowed, but spotted feathers and it occurred to her then that is was a falcon.

Her uncertainty was merely heightened by it. She had never produced the shape before and didn’t understand it in the slightest. Mesmerized by the bird beating its winds majestically, she forgot the words she intended to speak. She whispered them hurriedly before sending the falcon on its way and watched it fly off into the night.  

 


	14. Mulling it Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apologies for the longer wait and the shorter chapter. Enjoy some nice fluff.

****The bright glow caused him to stir from the light sleep he had drifted off in. As he shifted there was an ache in his back from sleeping so rigidly in the hardly cushioned chair. He was half convinced that the item poking him just above his kidney was a spring. The piece of furniture could hardly be considered worth sitting in, let alone what he had used it for.

His eyes focused then on what had woken him and he saw the fluttering of a bird in front of him. It was one he had never seen before and couldn't comprehend who it could be from. He hadn't been the recipient of many of these apparitions, but Dumbledore cast the only bird he could recall. The phoenix had an elegance to its movement, even the feathers of its wings. But, this one, whatever it was, moved more rhythmically, beating the air with a purpose rather than out of whim.

A voice came from it suddenly, Lily's voice, answering his questions. She spoke three simple words "How is he?" Yet, Severus just stared ahead as the patronus faded to mist before dissipating entirely. He'd seen her patronus only once, on the battlefield. He remembered with a snarl how revolting the display had been, how her doe cuddled up beside James' stag. The two of them seeming to forget the importance of the task at hand. Instead they'd been too wrapped up in their newfound love. It was an irritating display of self-importance. It was a bloody war. He could have killed them then and there, had he truly been on the Dark Lord's side at the time. All he focused on now however, was the sudden change in species.

He stretched his arm outwards so that the intricately engraved, blackthorn wand found it's way into his hand. His movements were slow. Severus was afraid the slightest amount of noise would wake Harry and it had taken far too long for the boy to drift into sleep to begin with.

The tip of his wand moved gradually in the air in front of him. A happy memory came to his mind easily, despite his lack of them. In seconds the pale blue light seeped from the dragon heartstring of his wand. Ordinarily, the vapor would have clung low to the dungeon floor, taking the shape of a doe. Instead it hung in front of him in seeming decisiveness. Severus watched in disbelief as it too took the form a falcon.

Patronuses were fairly knew to him. He had fallen into the standard that death eaters couldn't produce them, having no happy memories. What was there for him to choose from? A father that beat him on an almost daily basis? A mother that avoided her eyes, pretending that nothing had happened? Severus had been free from that sadistic man for several years now, yet the pounding of flesh against flesh still haunted his memories. It was a sound that had been drilled into him

He simply hadn't seen any way a patronus, a literal light in the dark, could be formed with so little to draw from. The memory not only had to be happy, but powerful. The memory of any semblance of happiness came only with the prophecy. Dread had struck him, invading every fiber of his being when he realized just who the Dark Lord was seeking. He could never forget the way fear had paralyzed his lungs, causing him to force out every breath. The way he had clenched his teeth in an effort to stay calm in front of the Dark Lord himself. Had Severus fallen to his knees at the man's feet, begging for her life to be spared then and there, his own would have ended soon enough.

He'd only asked that question when he was sure he could be in control of his thoughts. The words had been carefully planned, uttered slowly to prevent the fear from taking control again. And Lord Voldemort had laughed at him anyway. Most importantly, and even more shocking, he had  _agreed._

The event caused Lily to reenter his memory. All thoughts of her had been pushed out after their friendship had been severed. He couldn't bare to remember what he had lost. But, turning to Dumbledore, receiving the assurance that her family would be protected, had been enough to spark the necessary joy that a patronus needed. As a result, the short duration of which he had been able to perform one, it had always been a doe.

The fierceness of the falcon was in stark contrast to that of the gentle and protective deer. It was a predator rather than prey. Severus wasn't sure which one of them the bird resembled more. Lily had always been a force to be reckoned with, and he supposed he had too. It was no surprise that such opinionated people should butt heads as much as they had. Lily carried a fierce love for her son and a desire to protect him, as any parent would. She fought to eliminate the threat The Dark Lord provided. His reasons differed only in that he wasn't Harry's family. However, that didn't change the fact that Severus had changed sides of the war to keep them safe or that he so staunchly worked towards the Dark Lord's defeat.

His thoughts stilled and he found his thumb still running up and down against the fine details that adorned the bottom few inches of his wand. The falcon still waited patiently for any direction, Severus' recollections having provided enough happiness to sustain the animal. His late response consisted of only two words - "He's fine" – before the falcon was gone again.

Xxxx

Lily pushed the door inwards. She took no care to mute her steps as her feet clacked against the ground. There was a slight shuffle in response and she halted. A soft, flickering light radiated from a distant corner, casting elongated shadows against the dungeon walls. She remained rooted to the spot as her eyes adjusted against the dark room.

When she had grown more used to the sight, she noticed that the flames providing the slight light in the room tickled the bottom of a cauldron. There was never a moment Severus stopped brewing, not even to care for himself. Her sight drifted from the potion to the main part of the room as Lily gave a laughing shake of the head. She could just make out what could only be described as a series of lumps. It rose and fell in a rhythmic movement and Lily realized that Severus had fallen asleep in one of the mismatched chairs.

She approached him, this time with lighter steps and little noise. The shuffle of movement came again and Lily found herself fighting a growing smile. Closer now, she could see the dark color of his clothes against a hideously faded, red fabric, something she was sure had come from Gryffindor. On top of him she could just make out the edges of baby blue, the color of Harry's pajamas. She bent carefully, kissing Harry gently so as not to wake him.

Several strands of her red hair escaped from the back of her shoulder, drifting in front of her at the movement. She hadn't realized this until Severus gave a gentle twitch, opening his eyes and brushing them away. Lily sent him a teasing, yet questioning gaze, one she wasn't sure he could see in the darkness. She scooped her arms slowly around Harry, lifting him into the air without waking him and settling him back in the empty cot he had been meant for.

Severus sat up, arching his back with a grimace. Surely the place he had chosen wasn't meant for sleep. "What time is it?" He whispered in confusion. The windowless quarters made it impossible to tell time by light alone.

"Nearly seven." She replied, equally quiet.

He stood with a final stretch and she led him away, into the bathroom. With her wand, she lit the lantern that was waiting for them and he squinted at the brightness as she undressed. She was anxious to rid herself of the scent of the evening. The smell of the decaying forest floor clung to her skin and filled the small room with an earthy scent. It wasn't one people tended to romanticize, but rather a reminder that death was inevitable, that it came for us all in the end.

To her surprise, he stripped as well. Her reasoning for bringing him here was for that of a chat, not for a bath of his own. A familiarity between them had been established in the last few months that made the act routine rather than uncomfortable. On days other than today – her mind still flooded with James – she was filled with a sense of relief, a longing for something to soothe the ache in her soul. The way Severus' hands grazed ever so slightly across her skin, awakening goosebumps, told her the words he seemed unable to say. In him, she had found comfort, a home.

"Why didn't you use the cot?"

Severus turned away from her, turning a series of knobs until hot water began spurting from the faucets. "He wouldn't sleep." The words were so matter of fact, not a tingle of surprise invaded them

"And you…did okay? He was good?" She felt a smile creeping back onto her lips as she slipped into the warm bath, the water level continuing to rise. She had seen a change in Harry too, one she was still trying to decide if she liked. It wasn't the closeness he felt towards Severus that bothered her, but that he seemed to have forgotten his own father.

"As good as I expect someone his age to be, yes." He sat beside her beneath the bubbles, his nose drifting closely to her shoulder and taking her in. "The scent of nature isn't a bad one." She didn't know if it was the herbologist in him, but he'd always held a sort of fascination with the outside world. The shrubbery was tamable, suggestive and the scent of such things caused a visible wave of relief to roll through him.

"When you've spent the night like I have we'll discuss this again."

He pulled back from her, turning off the knobs. "Fair enough. And Remus? How was he?" There was a slight spasm in the muscles of his nose at the mention of the wolf's name. The disdain he felt for the man was evident, even through his barriers, but Lily applauded the attempt.

She was quiet for a moment, debating how much detail he actually wanted, and how much his question was merely a shroud, a formality. "It's hard on him, the transformations. Harder than I remembered."

Instead of answering, Severus lifted his hand slowly from the water. In the absence of chatter, the only sound filling the room was that of the water droplets dripping off of him and into the pool below. He dragged a finger up the skin of her naked arm. His eyes followed the movement, seeming unable to acknowledge what she had said, to even look at her. "And you?" The topic of Remus lay already forgotten.

The simple question reawakened the tightness of her throat she'd fought against all night. The lump there prevented her from speaking and she stared into the space in front of them instead.

He gave a slight nod at her lack of response and sucked his lips inward in a sad smile. "I see."

She still found herself irked at her indecision. It felt wrong for her to be sitting here with another man, even if nothing was happening, when her husband had hardly gone cold. She couldn't get over the disappointment in herself over the fact and had no idea how to explain such a thing to Severus. Lily was grateful for the space he gave her, the restraint he showed and the fact that his hand dropped from her. She wasn't sure she could handle the touch of anyone right now.

He was the first to break the silence. "I was unaware that deer could fly."

"Yes." She croaked. "As was I." The palm of his hand came up again, only this time he rested it on the back of her neck. She shifted uncomfortably beneath it. His mouth opened before pausing and closing again as he decided what exactly to say to her. She turned, answering the question he seemed to be afraid to ask. "I can't admit yet."

The muscle in his jaw tensed momentarily, but he gave a single nod of his head.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, big thanks to my readers and reviewers. You guys are amazing and I love your support. I couldn't do this without you.

"What's he like anyway?" Lily shot Severus a quick glance as she ran her hand down Freyja's soft feathers. He stood a distance away from her, doing the buttons of his overcoat. The wind rattling the windows would surely find its way to the interior of their clothes.

He gave her a cursory glance before wrinkling his nose in thought. "He's…different. We've only shared the one proper conversation."

"With Quigg?" She cleared her throat to hide her irritation. Something about the professor made her feel uncomfortable.

"Unfortunately so." Severus faced her fully with a heavy exhale. "Shall we?" She approached him, intertwining her fingers with his. There was a lurch in her stomach as they disapparated.

The gentle sound of waves could be heard crashing on nearby rocks. Lily gazed out at the slate colored sea. The usual deep blue dulled by the dropping clouds above, threatening to pour down on them. She inhaled the rich scent of salt in the air, the fresh smell of wet earth, and the two trudged forward.

Severus had taken them to a long, rock paved path. As they walked down it, past the meticulously cared for gardens, a small cottage came into view. The home looked ancient, slanted on the rocks of its foundation. It held the slight look of decay, but had surely been secured by magic. It was colored the lightest blue, nearly white and reminiscent of the ocean beside them.

They paused outside the doorway where Severus raised his eyebrows at her before releasing her hand. He raised the small, badger shaped knocker and rapped it twice. Immediately there was a shuffle from inside, steps that were hushed by the home's walls. The unmistakable thud of a cane came next, gradually growing louder.

The door was opened finally, revealing a wiry man standing in its place. Thin, white wisps of hair fell slightly into his face and he was hunched over slightly.

"Mr. Scamander, always a pleasure." Severus nodded his head in greeting.

The man across from them smiled softly, a gentle grin that reminded Lily of one Severus would give her. "Call me Newt." He stepped aside, allowing them to pass by.

The cottage was more expansive than Lily had expected, the outside appearing tiny. Every nook and corner held a creature or object of some sort. Newt paused beside a silver colored tabby that was perched on a piece of furniture. The animal purred at its owner's touch. In another corner hung an open cage, containing a small blue bird. Flecks of a darker blue dotted the birds feathers, a Jobberknoll. Looking to the side, Lily saw that Severus' eyes had locked onto the animal as well.

“You’ve seen Jagapi, then.” With a hobble, Newt approached the spotted bird. He held out a single finger which the jobberknoll flittered toward and landed.

“Jagapi, you’ve named all your creatures?” Lily asked in admiration.

Newt smiled at her, a larger one than he’d given at the door. They’d touched on his passion. “They’re a part of me, I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise.” He mumbled in distraction.

Severus cleared his throat, shifting in his steps. Lily knew he wasn’t one for drawn out conversations, particularly small talk. She was the only one permitted to do so without an annoyed glare or smart remark in response. She found it rude, enjoying the present conversation.

“Forgive me, Professor.” Newt’s bright teeth showed from under his wrinkled lips. He rubbed the soft underbelly of the jobberknoll, the bird closed its eyes at the touch of the human he loved so. When Newt’s hand was pulled away there were several fluffy feathers lying across his fingers. “It doesn’t hurt, the slight friction will cause the down feathers to come loose.” Returning the bird to its perch, he retrieved a small vial from an interior pocket of his red robes. He dropped the flecked feathers inside before passing it to Severus. “I was able to obtain the other samples you and I discussed.” He wandered away from the pair abruptly, disappearing around a corner.

Lily examined his home further. A large snail with a rainbow-colored shell sat in a corner, munching on a head of lettuce. Looking past the creatures in front of them, she saw odds and ends displayed in nearly every available space. Various pictures covered the majority of walls while odd instruments she didn’t recognize laid on surfaces. The space was cluttered despite the vastness of it.

Newt reappeared, several bottles clutched in his hands. Not quite meeting Severus’ gaze, he held one out. “Graphorn horn. I’ve hung onto this one for some time, but haven’t come across a use for it.” Severus took the powdered, tan substance and placed it inside one of his own pockets. “Streeler venom.” He nodded his head toward the snail Lily had been admiring. “From that beaut.” A series of bottles followed, horklump juice, essence of murtlap, unicorn horn and hair, and several others Lily had been unable to understand through his hushed voice. “I’m positive you have some of those, but I have more than I could ever use nowadays. To know that I could be helping the cause…” Lily caught a glint in his eye as he looked away.

He handed over the last vial, the sleeve of his robes edging upwards. An angry scar was etched onto his wrist, no doubt from the creatures he cared for – loved -.

“I apologize for the short visit, but thank you.” Severus lifted the glass bottle he still held. “Quigg has  already been asking for your return.”

Newt laughed lightly. “Always a favor for Dumbledore. I’ve given him more than my fair share.”

Severus’ lips formed into a slight smile, one that was rarely given to people outside Lily and Harry. “Haven’t we all.”

XXXX

A piece of parchment laid on the overused desk in front of her. The paint of it was dinged from years of use, from her pencil, or occasional quill, digging into it. She ran a thumb over one of the scratches. The paper in front of her was stained with black dots, the drippings of her waiting quill. Her other hand hovered above the parchment as she waited for the right words to come, the words that didn’t seem to exist.

She sighed, dropping the quill with a clatter and placing the palms of her hands to her eyes. They felt heavy from stress and lack of sleep. Lily had sat in this position countless times over the past several days. The parchment in front of her had been written on and cleared more than she could remember, never quite able to word things as she wanted.

Harry wailed suddenly from the nearby room and she stood, the chair scraping against the wood floor of her bedroom. The owl feathered quill laid forgotten once again as she went for her son.

His toy lay discarded on the ground as though it had been thrown. Meanwhile, Harry laid on his back, kicking in frustration. She righted him, trying to soothe the angry tears that poured down his face. Her own Mum had refused to help when it came to Severus. Despite the explanations Lily had given her, the reassurances, Cloris still seemed unable to believe there could be any good in him.

Lily’s Mum had only agreed to watch him earlier that morning after the excuse that Lily had a job interview. For that to be true, Newt Scamander would have to hire her. Lies seemed to be the only way to get Cloris to cooperate these days, a feat Lily didn’t enjoy doing.

It was for that reason that Lily had come to Harry’s aid. He wouldn’t be babysat while she worked on her notes for Severus’ upcoming trial. It was also likely for that reason, at least partly, that she had been unable to write anything. Having to worry about Harry’s whereabouts only occupied a part of her mind that could be spent on saving the man she loved. She paused at the thought, her hand stilling on the top of Harry’s head. _The man she loved._

XXXX

Harry had been placed once again in Severus’ bedroom to sleep. Lily had come there with the intention to spend the night. An activity they were participating in more and more. Seeing the way Severus was with Harry ignited something in her. She felt a fire burning in every fiber of her being, something only James had been able to give her before. She believed that Severus truly cared for the boy, and that only made her love him more.

She watched the way his fingers strummed over the pages, creating the quiet shuffle that filled the room. He'd looked back down at the words he had been attempting to read for the past hour. Lily had seen how often he'd looked up, how his chest had risen in frustration. There were little quirks that let her know Severus' mind wasn't on the task at hand.

She perched on the arm of his chair, leaning an arm on the back of it and fixing him with a diagnostic stare. He turned to meet her gaze with a steely one of his own. It was filled with that barricade she could never get past. Lily traced a finger up his clothed arm. "I recognize that look."

He gave a single shake of his head. "I was considering the use of hellebore. It's commonly used for insan-"

"We've discussed this." Her words were sounded out slowly, knowing his were an excuse.

His brow flicked inward, almost imperceptibly. She would have missed it if she hadn't been looking for just that. "Of course." His eyes clouded over, and he placed a hand across his face.

"What's  _really_ on your mind?"

Severus' mouth opened once before closing again. His hand still covered the majority of his expression, but his body had gone rigid beneath her touch. Something about it unnerved her. Despite only displaying a subtle change, it was one she hadn't seen since they were children. "You're afraid."

He shifted slightly, and a scowl etched his face. "Don't be ridiculous." The typical edge in his voice was gone.

Lily rolled her eyes, he was so afraid of appearing to be a normal human being, even in front of her. "Sev, it isn't a bad thing-"

His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at her. "Its weakness."

She ignored his statement, plowing on. "Is it the trial?" She rested the palm of her hand against his shoulder, no longer lingering along his arm. Lily waited patiently for an answer, but was met with silence. "I've met with Dumbledore. We've been working out just how to defend you."

Severus' upper lip twitched in displeasure. "You know how I feel about your representation."

She leaned forward, brushing her lips against the frustrated lines of his forehead. "And I simply don't care." Lily plucked the book from his hands and slid from where she was seated beside him into his lap. His arms instinctively found her, one going behind her back and while his other hand rested on her left knee. She could feel the sturdiness of his legs beneath her, a muscularity she assumed had come from his Death Eater involvement. “Have you ever thought that maybe the reason I see something good in you is because there’s something to see?”

An awkwardness crossed his face and his lips parted slightly. She waited quietly for him to object, say that there was nothing there in that Death Eater heart of his. Instead, his silence mingled with hers, the closest thing to agreement she would ever get.

Lily's eyes wandered further, falling on the wand clenched in his hand. She had become so accustomed to his defenses that she'd stopped paying attention. He was always prepared for an attack. Her own hand reached out, rubbing her fingers gently across the dark wood his wand had been crafted with. "What are you so afraid of?"

Severus' eyes remained focused on the space ahead of them. A muscle running down the side of his neck jumped as he ground his teeth. "Fear is for the weak."

She sighed in defeat. "You won't mind if I take this then?" The question was punctuated with a tug of his wand. His grip tightened, and the wand remained in his hand. He turned to face her.

"There is always the treat of attack, an ambush. It's wise to be prepared."

She wanted to point out that they were home, they were safe. Unfortunately, that'd been the same place her family had been torn apart. If only she and James had done the same… _No._ She shook away the thought. "We'll work through this. I won't let you get sent to Azkaban."

The focus of Severus' eyes faded, his mind wandering elsewhere. He opened his mouth, allowing the quietest of voices to escape. "And what if you fail?"

 


	16. Fate

 

The slight twitch of fear he'd felt only days prior had morphed into a bundle of nerves that took residence in every crevice of his being. He'd found himself unable to block the thoughts of his possible imprisonment, an act that only intensified his fear. He wasn't afraid of being found guilty, of owning up to his mistakes. If he was honest with himself, he felt that he  _deserved_ receiving a sentence. The atrocities he'd committed could only be rectified with punishment.

What he  _was_ afraid of was losing Lily. He'd only just started to let himself have this chance with her, to allow his feelings of love for her to resurface. He was growing close to her son and found himself distraught at not having the boy in his life any longer.

Severus was furious with himself for the path in life he had chosen. To him, it wasn't enough that he changed sides. That didn't erase the fact that James and so many other people were dead because of him. As much as he dreaded the cold, desolate prison, Azkaban was the only place he deserved to be.

Lily gripped his hand tightly in the small chambers, gaining a flicker of grip in response. "It's  _Dumbledore_." She insisted. "The entire wizarding world trusts him."

Severus rolled his eyes, avoiding her well meaning gaze. "I recall a rather sinister distaste for Death Eaters as well."

"Of which you no longer-"

He held up a hand and she slowed to a stop. "If I do get sentenced…" He found her Ivy green eyes that had softened with what he hoped wasn't pity.

"I understand the risks."

Before he could argue with her further she had pressed her body to the length of his. She stretched upwards, meeting his lips in more of a questioning kiss than anything else. He returned the gesture with force, knowing this could their last. He found himself desperate to be a part of her. He drew in the familiar, intoxicating scent of jasmine that made him weak. The very same, floral scent that lingered on her skin consistently.

The smell and touch of her in the dimly lit chambers wiped away the slightest tension. His shoulders dropped a miniscule amount and his breaths came out slower. His fingers counted the blemishes that dotted her arms. He attempted to memorize everything, even her imperfections.

Her fingers lingered along his body as well, likely attempting to do the same thing. For the first time since purchasing these robes did he regret wearing them. There was something satisfying about leaving such an impression on someone. For someone to absentmindedly find every scar or bump along his skin. He _mattered_ to someone and he was desperate to hold onto that.

To his disappointment, she pulled away. The skin of their lips separated, and a heavy silence hung between them. They were too afraid to make this their last goodbye. Severus cleared his throat. "I imagine they're almost ready for me." He stepped forward, aiming to pass through into the circular court of the Wizengamot. He was stopped by her hand which still clung to his.

"Severus, wait." He watched her expectantly as she shook her head in disbelief. "I can't say I imagined this moment would ever come, especially so soon after... I thought I'd lost you forever, and then you came back. Yet, this might finally be the end…I love you, Sev."

He froze at the four simple words, not having expected them, before a broad smile crossed his face. It caused a distant warmth of happiness he'd only felt on occasion during his life. One that had only ever been brought about by Lily. "I love you too."

Xxxx

The chair was rigid and uncushioned. The cold of the metal seeped through the fabric of his clothes, causing him to shiver slightly. His ankles had been chained to the legs of his seat while his wrists had been strapped down to the metal arms. His wand, his only defense, had been taken away.

He shifted nervously, revolted by the powerlessness he’d been subjected to. It brought up far too many memories of the things his father had done to him. Of Tobias' overpowering figure looming over him as he was pressed into a wall. Memories of being forced to the ground or even the tight hold that had bruised his wrists almost permanently.

Panic bubbled up inside him as the recollections drifted from that of home to that of Hogwarts. To being hung upside down, captured by his own spell, to being locked inside a classroom or an abandoned section of the castle.

His chest constricted as if it too was held tight and immovable. Feeling his breathing quicken, he found Lily in the small gathering of people. She was the only person here that wasn’t a part of the Wizengamot. There were no reporters, no Death Eaters, no one who could report back to the Dark Lord when he rose once more.

Severus had been furious when she informed him of her intentions to help. He didn’t want her name tied to anything that had to do with him. There was a large enough target on her and Harry’s backs without him endangering them further. But, now, in the heat of it all, was he finally grateful.

It was clear she had never completely forgiven him for the things that he had done. He caught the occasional glances of betrayal, shock, and hurt, that she showed when she thought he wasn’t paying attention. That was the problem, he was _always_ paying attention. His senses had been heightened with the neglect he’d endured over the years, the scrutiny he was subject to by Lord Voldemort. No matter the task at hand, he was hyper aware of the events happening around him.

But she had stood by him.

She had given him a second, third chance and had agreed to this charade without hesitation. He focused in on her radiating light, slamming his barriers down in a determination to focus on what was good. They had defied the odds countless times over the years. They could make it through this too.

Xxxx

Minister Bagnold towered above him, her face lined with age and stricken with severity. Her brown hair was trimmed just above her shoulders, secured by far too much potion. She had sharp, blue eyes which bored into him. The lack of invasion in his mind was the only sign she wasn’t performing legilimency, her stern expression causing him to expect it. “State your name.”

Severus, already rigid in his miniature prison, straightened impossibly further. “Severus Septimus Snape.”

Her chin dipped forward, accepting that he wasn’t an imposter and focusing her gaze instead on his left sleeve, beneath which the dark mark lurked. “The charges brought against you today include the following: suspected allegiance to You-Know-Who, passing vital war information to You-Know-Who, and eleven counts of attempted murder.  Do you agree with those charges?”

He hesitated, finding Lily’s eyes again. Her face had hardened. It was yet another reason he didn’t want her here. He had never intended to share the bloody details of his activities with her. He faced the Minister again with a steely glare. “Yes.”

“Your representation today consists of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Lily Laurel Potter, correct?”

“Yes.”

She looked away from him finally, finding the magenta clad Dumbledore instead. “Your arguments, Albus?”

Severus heard the shuffle of feet as the headmaster approached him. Due to conflict of interest, he wasn’t sitting with the Wizengamot today. He stepped in front of Severus, hands clasped behind his back as he meandered around the room. “From his first day at Hogwarts, it was apparent that Master Snape was practiced more than most witches and wizards of his age that I’ve had the pleasure to meet. He contained a vast knowledge of everything to do with our world and a desire to prove himself. It was the desire that drew him to support Lord Voldemort.” The crowd cringed at the mention of the Dark Lord’s name.

“It was no secret among the staff that his living situation at home was less than ideal. As a result, he tended to have volatile reactions to the slightest transgressions committed by other students.” He gestured to Lily. “Including none other than Mr. Potter.

It is shameful that even as adults we put such high esteem on the wealth and blood of young children. Mr. Snape was subject to those very prejudices while in attendance. Growing up in poverty and being a half blood inside Slytherin House left him open to more ridicule than many other students face during their time at the school.

It is evident that the hatred he endured, whether personally or placed on the people around him, affected his ability to determine wrong from right.  

Mr. Snape attended Hogwarts during the height of Lord Voldemort's recruit. Despite the attempts of myself, the Slytherin head of house, and the other staff members, Lord Voldemort’s ideals found their way inside the castle walls.” Dumbledore turned his head, meeting Severus’ eyes momentarily. The usual twinkle of his blue eyes was gone, his gaze having gone soft and empathetic. “He was set up for failure from the very beginning by the adults who were supposed to protect him.

Not unlike many students before and after Master Snape, he joined Lord Voldemort before his graduation. After his Hogwarts years, his name was whispered only with negative connotations. I was well aware of who he had affiliated himself with, that it came as a surprise when he requested to meet with sincere regret.

I had gone expecting a threat, an order of some kind from his master and found instead that an old love had drawn him away from his master. It is of no secret what dangers found their way to the Potter family only six short months ago. What is not known, however, is that Mr. Snape provided the warning.

When he learned of Lord Voldemort’s intentions for the Potter family he came with an urgent warning and has strayed in the light ever since. To those that know no better, he served Lord Voldemort faithfully. For those of us who were privileged to the truth, Mr. Snape provided the Order of the Phoenix with information that was vital to Lord Voldemort’s defeat. It is because of Mr. Snape that we were able to reduce the number of Death Eaters in our world.

He has provided names of those that supported him, has given the Order valuable information regarding attacks, and has endured Lord Voldemort’s wrath along with it. Our success has been heightened by his involvement. Lives have been spared because of the danger he continually puts himself in. If Severus is sentenced to Azkaban, we will lose that link with Lord Voldemort. We will have no way of knowing his next move-“

“You-Know-Who has been defeated!” The Minister objected. “The assistance you have described will no longer be necessary.”

“Lord Voldemort will return.” Dumbledore assured her with a fierceness that meant this wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation. “Death Eaters are well aware of his eventual return. They are spewing more than just hate mongering gossip. It is imperative we listen to the truth in their words so that we may be prepared for _when_ it happens.”

Minister Bagnold chewed on the fleshy inside of her cheek, ruminating over the headmaster's words with a hint of distrust.

“While he is under my employ.” Dumbledore continued. “I will continue to monitor his activities to determine that his intentions stay within the light. As long as he contributes to the fight against Lord Voldemort should he be allowed to remain free.”

Severus’ shifted again, hoping Dumbledore’s words would be enough. Was it true that the headmaster was concerned of Severus’ true allegiance? Hadn’t he proved himself to the man enough?

“Very well.” Bagnold nodded again. “Mrs. Potter, is there anything you’d like to add?”

Lily stood, and the room was filled with the sound of shuffling robes as each body swiveled to watch her. She walked down the short set of stairs from where she had been seated to take Dumbledore’s place. “It’s Ms. Potter.” She corrected with a slight wince before staring at Severus. “And I do.” She drew in a large breath as Dumbledore was seated and the spotlight fell fully on her.

“I met Severus at the age of nine. He accosted me outside a park in the town we grew up in. I was put off at first by the funny dressed boy with long hair. I was offended by the word he called me, not understanding that he meant witch in the magical sense.

My parents are both muggles. A magical ability was never expected, but it explained the strange things I was capable of and didn’t take long for my nine-year-old mind to believe him. His fascination with magic, even then, was obvious.

I found myself wanting to know everything I could about the new world I belonged in. Severus provided an answer to my _many_ questions and we became close with one another.

We both attended a muggle primary school and there were many times where Severus would be missing from class, sometimes for several days at a time. His absences we’re later explained by bruises he failed to hide.

As we attended Hogwarts, we developed different beliefs. Our easy, childhood friendship soon began to dissolve as we fell in with different crowds, he with future Death Eaters and I with future Order members. Over the years, many fights and misunderstandings occurred over what each of us thought was right. Ultimately, our friendship ended, and we grew apart for a final time. I too heard of his position as a Death Eater. I saw him fight on the battlefield.

The choices he made during his time at You-Know-Who's side ultimately destroyed my family. It is because of him that James Potter- “ Her voice cracked at the mention of her husband. “-among others have perished. But, it is because of him that the lives of my son and I and many others have been spared.

Severus may have not always been the best person. He may still have his flaws and irrationalities, but he is aware of the things he has done. He lives each day in a regret I could never imagine. Severus’ is imperfect, he was at one point dangerous, but he is striving to right the wrongs he has committed. He has shown me a compassion for other human beings that I’ve always believed to be there inside him. Dumbledore is right. He is an imperative piece of the war, the war that has yet to be finished. We need him on our side.”

Severus took in every face of the people who stared at him. The members of the Wizengamot were clothed in black robes and square hats and each held an expression different than the last. There was no way for him to judge where he was headed.

“If that is all?” The Minister asked with raised eyebrows. Both Dumbledore and Lily assented that they were done, and she moved on. “Before we place our vote on the placement of Severus Septimus Snape, the Wizengamot wishes to check our facts. Do you believe your recollection of the events beneath You-Know-Who to be accurate?”

Severus’ “yes” came out as nearly a whisper, gravel having filled his throat and causing him to grow quieter.

“You became a Death Eater in March of 1977; do you still bear the mark?”

It was a bloody ridiculous question. Had there been a way to remove the filth from his skin he would have done so a long time ago. “Yes.”

Minister Bagnold gestured to a guard who had stood near the door throughout the trial. He gave her a nod, knowing what she was asking without needing a word. He strode toward Severus before raising the sleeve of his left arm for the Wizengamot to see the mark that laid beneath. Severus’ sleeve remained pushed up as the guard returned to his spot. His greatest mistake was laid bear for the room to see.

“You were present for the attack and murder of the McKinnon family. What spells did you cast?”

There was no need for thought. That attacked had stayed with him. Children far too young for such horrors had lost their lives that night. “I had spells of my own creation so that we were able to gain access to their home. From there I used 'crucio' and 'sectum sempra'. Although I participated in the torture, I didn’t cast a fatal spell.

A shuffle of disgust waved through the crowd. “Are these spells consistent with the other attacks you participated in?”

Severus held his eyes shut as he spoke. “Yes, along with ‘bombarda' and 'incendio'.”

“Did you ever cast a fatal spell?”

“No.”

“Had you ever intended to?”

Severus opened his eyes, looking at Lily sincerely. Her expression was unreadable, a feat she rarely achieved, and he felt sick. “Yes.”

“Before 'changing sides' did you ever pass information that was dangerous in the hands of You-Know-Who?”

He thought back to the prophecy. “Yes, once. The information I passed happened by chance. The Dark- Lord Voldemort never intended for me to be a spy. He gained his information through Intel I was not allowed to know. It was only shortly before his death that my position within his ranks changed.”

“Do you intend to join him again upon his supposed 'return'?”

“ _No._ ” His voice was fiercely adamant. He was to never return.

The Minister looked back at the Wizengamot members that surrounded here. “Very well, Mr. Snape, I think we have all we need. Those in favor for imprisonment in Azkaban, raise your hand.”  Slowly, hands lifted into the air, far too many. “That’s seventeen hands for imprisonment. Those in favor for parole under Albus Dumbledore?” The remaining hands rose. Minister Bagnold banged her gavel on the wood desk in front of her. “Severus Septimus Snape, the Wizengamot has voted that you be placed in Azkaban. The length of your sentence is to be determined.”

Severus felt his heart plummet with confliction. They were the words he dreaded, but the ones he deserved. He stared at the floor in front of him, unable to look at Lily then. The same guard as before stepped towards him, releasing his bindings with the tap of his wand. When the chains holding him down disappeared, Severus was yanked upwards and pulled from the room, back into the chambers.

 

 


	17. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mistake after mistake, it's safer if I distance myself  
> If there's a way for me to not do what I’ve done for so long
> 
> FUR – If You Know That I’m Lonely

 

When they entered the room, Severus pulled against the tight grip that had been applied to his wrists, knowing he was no match for the bulky guard that contained him. All he wanted was one last glance out the door, to find Lily’s face in the crowd. They had said their goodbyes in private more than once, but he found himself yearning for another. He would never get tired of hearing her voice calling his name. Instead, he was forced back into solitude.

The chambers were small and dark. Much like Azkaban, he figured. The only difference was likely the lack of moisture here. Azkaban. His barriers had come crashing down at that word, but he hadn’t had a chance to get his message across.

He’d been hurried from his spot in the court before he could process what exactly had been said. His heart thudded in his chest in desperation as the door of the chambers grew increasingly closer to the jamb. He was able to see a sliver of emerald looking back at him before his contact was shut out completely. The tension in his limbs dropped, there was no point in delaying the inevitable.

The muscular guard’s hands ran up and down every inch of Severus’ body with an aggressive pressure. “Any weapons?” The man’s voice, like his touch, was brusque and Severus scowled.

“Considering my wand has already been taken, no, not since I last checked.”

The man’s gray eyes met Severus’ with an unamused glare. He straightened from his crouched position, taking hold of Severus once again and disapparating with a jerk.

Severus stumbled as his feet hit the ground, unprepared for travel. The small room was filled with the hum of chatter and various other guards stood about, watching over prisoners of their own. There were a few that Severus recognized. The Ministry, he assumed, having finally seen through their lies. “I need to speak with Dumbledore, my representative.” He blurted. He couldn’t be put back with men he watched commit murder.

The guard exhaled sharply. “Should’ve thought of that before you got yourself in this position.” He dragged a resisting Severus down a thin, black tiled hallway before he could protest further. “Hey!” He barked at a woman who approached them. “Has tonight’s shipment left yet?”

She was dressed in a similar get up with an unreadable badge on the left side of her chest. Severus squinted in an attempt to make out who she was. She paused, pulling up the hem of her sleeve and glancing at the watch beneath it. “Not for another hour.” She cocked her head toward Severus, speaking as if he wasn’t there. “Death Eater?”

Severus didn’t need to see his guard’s face to know the unpleasant expression it unfortunately held. “Feigning innocence, as usual.”

Severus set his jaw in frustration, but held his tongue. _Shipment. So, they regarded human beings as packages?_ He grumbled to himself before settling on a different word. _Tonight._ He’d be there tonight.

Without a goodbye to the woman, the two of them continued on their short journey.  They only stopped when they reached a nondescript, metal door that Severus was sure looked like all the others they had passed. He was shoved roughly inside, tripping over his own feet and barely having a hand to catch himself. He righted himself quickly, whirling around so that his back was against the wall. He wouldn’t leave himself open for attack in a place that would never believe him.

The area was miniscule and bare. There was hardly enough standing room for the two of them, regardless of the guard’s bulk, and the only thing inside was a small cabinet. The guard reached inside, grabbing a set of black and white striped robes. Severus swallowed, the officiality of the situation sinking further in.

“Undress.” He crossed his arms impatiently over his chest. Severus remained in his spot, waiting for the guard to leave. Instead the man just quirked an eyebrow upward in irritation. “I don’t have all day.”

Severus cleared his throat, going for the button bellow his jaw. He fumbled along every one of them, slipping each black button out of its hole and exposing the pale skin beneath. It wasn’t the first time he’d been forced to strip in front of someone, but it was no less degrading. The only comfort Severus could find in the situation was that the man got just as much pleasure out of this as he did: none at all.

His clothing had served as a barrier for the things his mind could not protect him against. They hid the memories of what his father had done to him, and later others. The simple act of changing combined with his beaten barriers allowed his mind to slip into memories he had buried long ago. Severus blinked furiously, willing them away.

He averted his eyes from himself and the guard, staring at the wall instead as first his shirt then his trousers fell to the ground. He placed his hands in front of him, trying to cover what was there and felt his cheeks redden despite himself.

The guard pulled his wand from a pocket of his robes in disinterest. He waved the slender, dark brown wood over Severus’ naked body. For what, he wasn’t sure. The movement was slow, reminding Severus of a spell a healer might use. The tip of the wand glowed a slight yellow before dimming to nothing when the guard’s search was over.

“Now, these.” The Azkaban uniform was held out to him and Severus took them shyly. He thought he saw the flicker of a sneer on the man’s lips.

They fell over his head like a circus tent. They were far too loose and hung from his weedy shoulders. Unlike _his_ robes, which had been tailored to him, these were made to be one size fits all. The prison trousers barely rested on his narrow hips, a thin piece of nylon the only thing that kept them from falling completely. When he was covered again, he looked down at himself. He was grateful the sleeves of the shirt were long, meant to provide warmth in the frigid North Sea. Instead it blocked the view of his dark mark and various scars.

“One last stop, then you’ll wait with the others.”

The new uniform seemed to have subdued his supposed danger. Severus was allowed to wander down the maze of Ministry hallways behind the guard, rather than in his grip. Should he have decided to run he wouldn’t have gotten far. That didn’t stop him for searching for a way out.

His eyes scanned every wall, every passerby, looking for weak spots. It was a habit of his, finding exit points. He’d always preferred to place himself beside a nearby exit while having full view of the room he was in. Should something go awry, he was always prepared.

That didn’t change the fact that every person who passed him carried a wand of their own, that he was dressed in the clothes of a prisoner…that very soon he _would_ be a prisoner. Should he choose to run in this moment, the aurors surrounding him would have him tied up in seconds. His only defense was his fists. A feature he doubted would get him far.

They stopped finally outside of another door, a short line drifting from the room. Severus joined them, realizing what the step of this process was. In front of him stood several men and women dressed the same as he, filtering in and out of the two-door room. Through the doorway, Severus could see a height chart along the wall, set up behind a camera.

The line moved quickly, each picture causing the room to smell of burnt plastic and each prisoner blinking away the spots in their eyes as their mugshot was taken. Every few seconds he would shuffle a step or so forward until he eventually reached the front of the line. “Severus Snape?” Spoke a woman from behind a plain desk. His confirmation was downhearted, he had no other state of mind.

His back was flattened against the chart he’d seen before and he straightened to his full height. Glancing to the side he found he was almost at the 190-centimeter mark. Nearly as tall as his father. He grimaced at the thought, focusing instead on taking the plaque that was being offered to him. He looked at the marks that had been placed there, what would now identify him. What would probably be inked into his neck. ᚠᛟ196, he recognized the runes. With a sigh, Severus faced forward once again, into the camera that would engrain this moment in his history.

Xxxx

 _Azkaban._ She’d repeated the word over in her mind all day, never quite believing that that’s where he was. Her habit of looking for him hadn’t changed. She kept catching herself looking out the window in the direction of his home. For the majority of the week it was dark, seeing as Severus spent most of his nights at the castle. Tonight, would have been no different.

She imagined he’d be grading by now. Classes would have been over, dinner would have passed. They had entered the time of day when he would have been by himself. In other words, his favorite time of day. There was no reason for a light to be on inside his home, but the fact that there wasn’t one still saddened her.

She had spent an increasing amount of time in his presence, never quite ready to leave and now it was suddenly over. She didn’t know where they went next. Dumbledore had flown from the room almost as quickly as Severus had, leaving them both in the dark.  She wanted to _fight_ this, but she seemed to be the only one.

Severus had looked defeated as he was led away. He hadn’t struggled against the man holding him down, all fight in him was suddenly gone. Lily was able to meet his eye for the shortest of moments and found things she had never expected.

His hardened exterior was gone. In their reconciliation, he had never given her such an openness as he had then. What she found that he had hidden away was a rawness, a boy that was just trying to protect himself. Beneath all these charades and cutting words still lingered that child desperate for approval, longing for a softness in life. It made her angry. This trial was supposed to grant him freedom and had instead done the opposite

Azkaban drove people into madness. It broke those that had never been whole in the first place. If his sentence was short, if he ever came back to Cokeworth, it would be as someone else entirely. The Severus Lily had begun to relearn would be buried underneath more tragedy. She wasn’t sure she could handle it.

The hand on her shoulder forced her to lean back and she obeyed. She felt the familiar cushion in her back, the carpeted floor beneath her bottom. Her mother’s fingers ran through her hair, rubbing reassuringly against her scalp.

She had been silent, but Lily knew there were countless things she wanted to say. Her mother always strove to be right, to have the final word. She certainly had her opinions about this situation, perhaps Lily’s choice in men, but she stayed quiet. Lily was grateful for it. She was too heartbroken for a fight at that moment and couldn’t guarantee she’d hang around to hear her Mum’s words.

She already felt a pull towards Severus’ empty home in a desperation to be close to him. She couldn’t help but wonder where he was at that moment or how he was doing. She wasn’t sure if she’d already been taken to Azkaban.

Harry cuddled in her lap, thumb in his mouth. She wrapped her arms around him, clinging to the one thing – the most important thing –  she had left. James and Peter were dead. Sirius and now Severus were in prison. Remus was the only one of them that had remained untouched and she wasn’t sure she could face him now.

 Lily felt warmth drip down her cheeks suddenly and she exhaled, giving in to despair.

 

 

 

 


	18. Grievances

“I don’t understand.” She watched the silver instrument in front of her, green puffs of smoke rising from it in perfect circles before dissipating. “I thought… I thought…” Lily sighed, rubbing a hand across the wrinkles in her forehead, the ones that had formed in exasperated worry as Severus had been led away and hadn’t left since.

The look on his face had plagued her, the openness as he tried to convey one last _something._ A direction, last wish, she wasn’t sure. What bothered her most was the finality in his features, disappointment, but not surprise. He had been expecting it, she knew that. He had warned her as much, suggested they not form an attachment and then forgone the warning just as much as she had. “I thought it would be enough.”

“It was never going to be enough.”

Her eyes drifted upwards at the intensity of the Headmaster’s voice, meeting his gaze with more confusion than before. “You always expected…?”

“I assumed the day would come, yes. Words can only sway one’s beliefs so far, particularly when the consequences of dark actions outweigh that of the light. The things he may have done since his inception to Voldemort’s side will always overshadow the actions he’s made in repentance.”

She looked down at her lap then, unable to meet the crystal blue eyes of a man who had never _truly_ tried to help. Her hands shook, fingers fumbling over each other as she tried to form words that were free of rage. She had trusted him, _Severus_ had trusted him. “Why did you go along with it then? Why did you offer to help him if you thought it was all a charade?”

Dumbledore was silent, filling the space between them with nothing but the sound of his breath. She didn’t know if the milkiness of some long-ago memory had crossed his features, if it had contorted in an anger similar to hers, or perhaps he was stifling a laugh at her ineptitude. She couldn’t bring herself to see, knowing that what she found there, _whatever_ it was, would send the hot tears she had barely contained cascading down her cheeks again.

“A sentence isn’t final.” His voice was softer when he spoke again, but determined all the same. “I agreed to the 'charade', as you put it, because that’s _precisely_ what it is. It didn’t matter what either of us said in that room. His own skin condemned him before we’d even arrived.” His throne like chair scraped across the floor as he stood, stepping away from her. Still, she looked down at her teal colored robes, focusing on the individual threads of cotton that made it for she couldn’t bear to focus on anything else. “We’ll have to appeal.” He continued, voice farther than before. “That was always the plan. It was a detail that was unnecessary to share with either of you.”

“You let him go to Azkaban then with the belief that that was _it?”_ The new information made her angrier than the thought of Dumbledore doing nothing. “He pretends to be strong. Merlin, I think he thinks he _is,_ but he’s more fragile than he lets on. He-“ Her breathing hitched and she paused, her sight blurring. “It will destroy him.”

“The process has been started, I began the paperwork the day of the trial.”

“And if it fails? How long will he be there?” Her voice wavered in hesitation, unsure she wanted the answer to her questions. When nothing answered her, she looked up. Dumbledore stared out the window of his office, his back to her. She hated that she couldn’t see his face, couldn’t read what he may be thinking.  As if it’d be that easy anyway. “Sir?” She pushed with a sniff.

“His time hasn’t been given, even to me.”

“That’s not a good sign…is it?”

“They can keep him longer that way. Can keep him…”

The sentence didn’t need to be finished. They let it hang between them, understanding the weight of what it held.

Xxxx

Slivers of moonlight filtered through the grate-like window, falling on the cragged rock that was the floor. Severus ran his thumb across it. Lifting his hand, he looked at the black that smudged his finger, barely noticeable in the near pitch-black surroundings. He brushed it across his trousers, white – and black – like everything else.

The room – if it could be called that – was nearly equivalent to a pit. There was no insulation, no protection against the cold spray of water that crashed into the side of the building. Goosebumps formed on his skin at a result, the thin uniform doing nothing to protect him from the constant mist and cold air.

A pot sat in one corner for him to piss in and a mattress in the other. The bed was thin, not enough wool to fill each corner. It was more of a blanket than anything. And the blankets…ridden with moth holes, the occasional spot of mold. It was a cruel joke, really. To give the illusion that survival could be possible here without any real necessities, particularly when magic could change those very things. But, that was the point, wasn’t it?

It was no wonder people protested the very existence of this place, that trials were rife with opposition for reasons unrelated to the trials themselves. The place had stopped catering to degenerates with no real criminal history years ago, choosing instead to focus on the lowest of the low. Judging by the four walls that surrounded him, that now included him.

He forced himself to stand from the cross-legged position he had adopted on the floor. The cold froze his muscles, seeping into his bones. Severus crossed to the window, watching the ripple of the cerulean sea. It was all he could see for miles around.

He wondered then what Lily was doing, if she was camped in front of a fire – warm, unlike him -. If her mum had stopped with the “I told you so’s” that popped up whenever he was involved. He could picture the way her mouth was sucked to the side, a show of restraining herself for her daughter’s sake.

Then there was Harry. He found himself perplexed with the little boy, how the child had wormed its way beneath his skin, making Severus care for him, care _about_ him. And Merlin, he never should have gotten involved, never allowed himself to be subject to her whims again. She had sucked him back in before he ever had a chance to escape. The one person he had never been able to resist had quickly turned into _two._ And now…his fist banged against the wall, causing him to shake it with a wince.

There was no point in wallowing, focusing on the pain he’d brought on himself. He closed his eyes, imagining a heavy wooden door, similar to the one at Hogwarts. He watched it swing shut, the metal locks clicking into place. The memories lodged behind it begging to be released. If he was going to survive here – for what, he wasn’t sure – he had to lock himself away for any sliver of sanity to remain in place.

Xxxx

Lily lowered herself to the ground, picking at the fresh weeds that poked through the greening grass. The only thing having survived the harsh winter being the things that were never meant to. She liked the wildness of the place, the sight of a little rebellion in a place that was too contained. She knew James would have liked it too. She had known that when she’d chosen it.

Her knees were bent, her arms draped lazily around them. She looked down at the stone, her red hair swinging in front of her face. He would have pushed it back, tucked it behind her ear with a kiss just beneath where his fingers had grazed. She could picture the lopsided smile as he pulled back, the black rims of his glasses slipping down his nose.  

“This is weird, isn’t it?” She gave a huff of humorless laughter. “I know I haven’t been here, that I should have…” Lily swallowed, pulling more aggressively at the grass. “I should have done a lot of things.”

A breeze came through the courtyard, swooping between the headstones. The sky above her was graying, threatening to burst. She didn’t have long, but she couldn’t bring herself to rush the conversation. “You aren’t much of a talker anymore, are you? Maybe you’ll listen to me for once.” She smirked again.

“Harry is getting big. He talks all the time, now. He miss…” She cleared her throat, she couldn’t say that. She couldn’t lie, even if James was dead. Harry never mentioned his father anymore, focused instead on the hooked nosed man that had inadvertently taken James’ place. “It’s Severus, you know? We both know it’s always been Severus. I didn’t plan to move on, especially not so fast.”

She ran her finger over the gravestone, where his name had been etched. She moved to the empty space beside it, where hers would have been had she died alongside him. “I’m sorry, James. I thought we’d have a life together, a family. I was thrilled by that. But, I can’t…” She sighed, scrunching her hair as she considered her words, as if they even mattered.

“You were the snitch, but enough quaffle points can win the game too. I have to go after the quaffle this time.”

She stood again, brushing the dirt from her pants as a bout of thunder broke overhead. The possibility she could be losing Severus settled heavily on her shoulders, but James was a gone with a different finality. She had to move on from both of them, had to give herself time to grieve. There was still so much pain wound up inside James’ name that she had yet to properly work through. It appeared Severus’… _absence…_ was giving her that opportunity.

Xxxx

Severus stabbed at the grayish brown lump that was barely passable as food, his plastic fork sinking into the Styrofoam beneath. He drew the tasteless glob to his lips, chewing in distaste. It had been a week of the same routine. Disgusting food, even worse surroundings.

There was hours of isolation, interrupted with thirty minutes of potential engagement. Lunch was the only meal of the day, the only _time_ of the day that they were allowed to be around the other inmates. He had yet to truly do so, isolating himself at a far away table despite (or maybe because of) the fact that he knew so many of them, fellow death eaters, murderers, rapists, people he had admired at one point.

“ _Severus.”_ The voice was hushed, crazed, familiar.

He turned lazily towards it, another bite going in his mouth as he did so.

“I didn’t do it, I swear, I- “

Frantic, gray eyes stared back at him, wide with fear as he stumbled over his words. “I would…would never…”

“What do you expect me to do about it, Sirius?” He gestured to his robes. “Do I look a lawyer?”

The inner corners of Sirius’ brows came inward in confusion. “But, you could…you know I wouldn’t- “

“ _Do I?_ ” He took in the rest of Sirius, his gaunt face, emaciated features. He’d only been here six months and was already a shadow of the man Severus had known. He cleared his throat, having lost what little appetite remained. He shoved his way from the table, bumping his shoulder against Sirius’ in passing.

“ _Severus!”_ Sirius called again, almost more desperate than the first time. “You have to- “

Severus pushed his way through the swinging door, the sound of Sirius’ voice disappearing in the process as he found himself in the recreation room instead. Sirius had used his real name, not the snide one Severus was accustomed to hearing.

_I didn’t do it_

He could have only meant one thing.

 

 

 


	19. Part Two: Questions

**PART TWO**

**XXXX**

 

Severus stared at his snow white, knobbled knees as he had done every day since he’d been brought here. Tomorrow would follow the same monotonous existence: sitting in a cramped cell with split second interactions of human contact.

He dragged a hand across his tired eyes, likely smearing dirt across his features, as if they had been clean to begin with. He rubbed his fingers against the palms of his hands, trying to wipe away what dirt he could. He never realized just how precious soap was until he had been deprived of it for so long.

Grease coated his hair, unlike that of his usual. This oil came from improper hygiene and not that of potions. He’d long ago gotten used to the smell of himself, although that didn’t mean he enjoyed it. It was safe to say that baths here were few and far between.

He’d grown accustomed to his surroundings, the way his back felt after a night of an inadequate bed and how stiff he was each morning despite his age. The beatings of the guards didn’t help. Bruises crossed his body, the occasional cut across his skin.  A bout of pain wasn’t unheard of in these conditions.

A twinge ran up his arm. The prickle was uncomfortable more than anything, a reminder of what lay beneath the cloth. He straightened from his hunched position on the bed, turning so that his bare feet were placed on the ground when it came again. It was more intense, lasting longer than the first time and causing him to flex his fingers. It was a warning, not a call.

He rolled his sleeve up past his elbow, staring at the mark that stood out, dark against his light skin. It didn’t burn the angry black of when the Dark Lord was angry, but the light, faded appearance had long ago disappeared. Severus traced the mark with his thumb when the floor beneath him began to rumble.

His surroundings shook momentarily, halting long enough for a boom to echo through the tower. Severus backed himself against the wall as a fine spray of mist crashed into his cell from the water below. The pain came again just as the world quivered. He tipped sideways at the motion, unable to remain upright when the ceiling above came crashing down on him.

His arms flew up in an effort to protect himself from the black shards of rock that were thrown in his direction. He blinked at the harsh light just visible between the space of his arms. He was unaccustomed to the sight of such brilliant sunlight after so long in the dark

When the commotion stopped did his arms drop. A mass of black whirled through the air, dementors trying to claim as many victims as they could, to stop the attack from happening. A figure appeared in front of him, face clad in a silver mask, but blonde hair spilling from beneath the black hood that had been pulled over him.

“Lucius.” Severus smirked. “It’s good to see you.”

Xxxx

Severus bowed his head along with the nine others that knelt beside him. Glancing down the row of freed death eaters, he noticed that Sirius Black wasn’t among them. He frowned, taking in the features of others that were like his own. They each looked the same as he imagined he did. Filthy, gaunt, and eyes tinged with crazy.

The Dark Lord, of course, hadn’t given any of them the privilege to gain a sense of normalcy. They’d each side along apparated, had been dragged here whether they wanted to be or not. If there was any comfort at all, it was that this place was familiar, a reprieve after such a long time of imprisonment.

 “You’ve all waited patiently for this day.” His voice was calm, raspy, unlike that Severus was used to. Much of the Dark Lord was unlike what Severus was used to. He had lost his last shred of humanity in this…rebirth and resembled that of an animal more than a human being. Much like his personality.

“You’ve proved your loyalty.” Came the voice again. “Unlike many of your brethren, you haven’t made excuses.” He heard the Dark Lord pacing in front of them, pausing in front of Severus.  “You will return your position.”

“My, Lord?”

“Your placement is needed at the school.”

“Convincing Dumbledore will be…difficult.”

“Should you fail…”

“I’m aware, my Lord.” He swallowed as Voldemort moved on to the man beside him, Dolohov. Dumbledore knew Severus’ innocence. An explanation would be all it took, and then he’d be back to where he was before. He’d be trapped inside that dungeon with children he hated in a job he despised even more. Azkaban had been prison enough, but Hogwarts wasn’t much better. He wasn’t sure he could stomach the idea of going back, but he didn’t have a choice.

Lord Voldemort made his way down the line of returned Death Eaters, speaking to each one of them. Severus listened half heartedly to the tasks they were given, too focused on his own. The sound of Voldemort’s footsteps drifted back to him.

“You won’t be returning home.” The statement was directed to all of them. Severus felt a flicker of disappointment, but he was unsurprised. “The Ministry will know where to find you. You will be staying with us until further notice. Any desire to leave this building must be requested. We can’t afford our position being compromised.”

Severus clenched his teeth. When he’d woken up this morning he hadn’t expected freedom. He hadn’t expected to be kneeling in front of the Dark Lord – one who looked different that the one Harry had defeated. There was no way of contacting Prisoners. Visitors were rarely allowed and mail not at all. There was no way for him to know that this was coming.

Yet, as the roof of Azkaban had collapsed, he had felt the warmth of hope growing inside him. That maybe this would finally be his time. An anger bubbled up at the thought of Dumbledore. The headmaster had promised to help him, to secure his freedom, and Severus had spent…he didn’t even know how long inside of a place that was equivalent to hell.

In the short time that had passed when Severus was brought here, he’d thought mainly of Lily. He’d thought of her for so long, of what they’d lost. He thought this might finally be his chance. “My Lord.” He spoke suddenly.

The silence that stretched out before Voldemort’s answer terrified him. “Snape?”

“I’d like to speak to Dumbledore, to request my return.”

The Dark Lord was quiet again, considering his words. “I will send an owl, informing him of the meeting. You will wait for his response.”

“Yes, my Lord.”

Xxxx

Freyja held her leg out towards Lily, offering the red ribbon. Lily stroked the bird’s rust colored feathers, tossing her a piece of meat that was meant for dinner. She undid the ribbon, taking the paper from the owl.

She unfurled the beige parchment as the meat sizzled in the pan. Her eyes glanced at the newspaper, her eyebrows coming inward and her head tipping ever so slightly at what she saw. A photograph of Azkaban covered most of the first page, a large chunk having been taken out of the top of the triangular building. Her stomach flipped as she read the words written above it.

**Mass Breakout from Azkaban**

_The Ministry of Magic announced late last night that there has been a mass breakout from Azkaban._

_Speaking to reporters in his private office, Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, confirmed that ten high-security prisoners escaped in the early hours of yesterday evening, and that he has already informed the Muggle Prime Minister of the dangerous nature of these individuals…_

She raised a shaking hand to her lips, rubbing at the skin of her face as she read. Her eyes scanned the page in fury, searching for one name in particular. _Bellatrix Lestrange…Augustus Rookwood…Severus Snape._ A whimper of surprise filled the room, one she hadn’t realized came from her until a black haired, green eyed boy popped his head around a corner.

“Mum? You alright?”

She swallowed, attempting to clear the tightness of her throat. “Fine…I’m fine.” She forced an unconvincing smile at the boy.

“Prefer if you didn’t burn dinner, then.”

She glanced toward the pan, wrinkling her nose at the smell of burning food. Taking it from off the flame she leaned backwards, resting against the counter. Her willow wand was held lightly in her hands. She turned it slightly, staring at the swirling engravings. She gave her wand a swish, her blue falcon appearing in front of her, wings beating to keep it upwards.

It hovered there, waiting for her direction, but she just stared. The falcon had been his too. Unlike with James, the patronus hadn’t changed in the time that passed. It had remained the elegant bird that only reminded her of him. She twirled her wand again. _Are you really there?_

The patronus disappeared, going in what she knew was Severus’ direction. She closed her eyes in anticipation, her stomach growing tight with worry. A familiar hum appeared, signaling the return. The sound of his voice met her, velvet and deep. _Yes._

 _Can I see you?_ She fired off again.

_No._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I know this chapter is shorter than usual and I apologize for that. I also know there are several unanswered question. There's a reasoning for both.
> 
> Thank you all so much for continuing to review this fic, the amount of support I get just amazes me. Special thanks to iNiGmA for all her help this week and betaing for me.


	20. The Answers

Severus stood in an unfamiliar building waiting for Dumbledore’s presence. The owl had been returned almost immediately with an address to this place and the instruction to meet him the next day. Severus had disapparated from the back garden of headquarters, a protection to be sure he wasn’t seen.

At first, he wasn’t sure he’d gotten the right place at all. The small house looked dilapidated. The roof was caving in and sections of wall were missing entirely. It was uninhabitable. But, as he approached, the appearance shifted. Boards seemed to float back into place and paint materialized on the wood. It turned into a quaint home in a matter of seconds. He assumed it was the same type of charm used on Hogwarts.

The inside was vintage, the décor hadn’t been touched in decades. Everything was made of pastels and flowers with the occasional doily draped across furniture. Despite all evidence that the place was abandoned, there was no dust. It was clear it had been occupied recently, consistently.

He heard a pop outside the door, and gripped his new wand carefully, just in case. He listened to the sound of footsteps ascending the short staircase to the door and the turn of the brass handle. It was pushed open to reveal the waist-long beard of Albus Dumbledore. Caution drained from him as the Headmaster stepped inside, the grip on his wand loosening.

“ _Severus_.” He smiled sincerely.

Severus was silent, overcome with anger. The friendliness, relief that Dumbledore displayed only made it worse. “I’m home.” He enunciated, replacing his wand. “No thanks to you.”

“Severus, I-“

“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head. “I have orders.”

“I would expect nothing else.” Dumbledore sat in one of the winged armchairs, a finger placed on his chin. “You look-“

“He wants me to return to the castle, to resume my position.” Severus hurried, avoiding the other man’s gaze.

“Severus, I…” He heaved a heavy sigh. “The position has been filled, for some time.”

“I assumed as much.” He grimaced, upper lip curling.

“I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do. We don’t have a single opening. Even if we did…you’re a hunted man.”

“I’m aware.”

“A man I couldn’t convince the Wizengamot was innocent the first time.”

“I’m aware of that, too.” His voice was harsher, anger having seeped into it. “I must find my way back to Hogwarts, a way to prove my innocence.”

“We can induct you into the Order. You won’t be able to attend regular meetings, but all information will be available to you.”

Severus was silent, considering the proposition. He had no desire to sew himself further into this war. “It’ll have to do, for now.”

“Severus?” Dumbledore began after a moment, hesitant to finish his question. “Are you okay? You’re safe?”

The worry in his voice almost softened Severus, _almost._ He had wasted away inside that prison because of this man’s ineptitude. So much of his time had been wasted because he had been failed. “Can I use this place? To see Lily?”

“Of-of course.” He stood abruptly, sensing that his presence wasn’t welcome. “This is the Order headquarters. She already knows where it is.”

“Thank you.”

Dumbledore gave a single nod of the head, lips dipping into a frown of disappointment. Severus watched him return in the direction he had come without another word from either of them. He remained rooted in his spot as the door was shut, not bothering to move, to relax until he heard the man disapparate.

He removed his wand again, picturing the essence of Lily, the time she had come to him as a child, asking to know more. He brought his hand in a circular motion, conjuring the falcon. His wand sputtered with blue sparks, but nothing else. Severus swore, the wand he had been given was useless, not meant for him, and certainly not as powerful as his previous one.

He repeated the motion, focusing further on the memory. He listened to the gentle lapping of the river on the bank beside them, the slight smell of sewage. He envisioned every part of her, every freckle, the way the sun brought out golden strands of her hair, the way she smiled at him. The falcon appeared then, finally.

_Can you come? I’m at the order meeting house._

He watched the bird fly away, tapping his foot in anticipation. She had wanted to see him yesterday, had nearly gotten him in trouble. Having the patronus appear at headquarters wasn’t the best idea. But, hearing her voice had been wonderful, to say the least. He had missed everything about her. Having to say no to her request was torture.

No answer came, instead he heard the sound of her apparition and a smile broke out across his face. He rushed across the room, anxious to meet her at the door. He whipped it open. “ _Lily.”_ He breathed, stepping to the side and allowing her to pass.

Instead, she smiled, throwing herself at him. Her arms were bound behind his neck as she leapt into his arms, her legs going around his waist. She kissed him fervently, which he returned in equal excitement. “I’ve missed you.” She mumbled against him.

He pulled back, wanting to see her. She looked almost the same as when he left her. There was an age in her eyes that hadn’t been there before and the occasional new freckle, but she was still the Lily he remembered.

Severus released his grip, returning her to the ground.

“You look _awful.”_

“I’ve seen a mirror.” He agreed, grateful she hadn’t seen him at his immediate release. “I can’t be here long. The Dark Lord is expecting me.”

Her smile faltered for a moment before she gained control. “Of course.”

“Lils…how long has it been?” Lines appeared in his forehead, nervous for the answer.

Her own brow furrowed in surprise before her voice came out as nearly a whisper. “Eleven years.”

“Eleven…Merlin.” He ran a hand through his hair. “How has it been eleven? How…”

“Dumbledore tried, he did, we _both_ did.” She shook her head. “The Ministry wouldn’t have it. The first appeal was denied almost a week after you went to Hogwarts. There were four others. We tried so hard to get you out.” Her voice grew tight, a shine appearing in her eyes. “They told us they wouldn’t accept anymore.”

“When was the last one?”

“Three years ago.”

Severus sat, elbows on his knees and fingers wrapped in his black hair. “He didn’t forget about me, then?”

“No…no, not at all.” She sat beside him on the couch, resting her hand on his arm.

He met her eyes again, still in disbelief that she was there. “And you never moved on?”

Her eyes narrowed in hesitation before she looked away from him and at the floor. “I tried. There were others. But, no, not really.”

He blew out a breath, it was better than he had expected. “Lily, I-“

“There’s something you need to know.” She stared at him with a fierceness that he could never imagine denying. His stomach dropped, knowing it couldn’t be good and expecting the worst.

“I…I tried to visit you, shortly after. They didn’t allow it. I think my reasoning only made it worse.” She bit her quivering lip, the shine in her eyes of before cascading down her cheeks. “I tried…I…” Severus wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him and she gave in. Her head resting on his chest. He could feel the wetness of her tears seeping through his transformed robes and to his skin beneath. She took in a shuddering breath, forcing herself to continue. “You have a son.”

The movement of his hand against the skin of her arm stopped. “A son.”

She nodded against him. “Selvan Septimus Potter.”

“…Potter.”

“I know. I didn’t have much of a choice. Snape isn’t an option.”

“But, _Potter.”_ He was unable to help the sneer that curdled on his features. “We share middle names.”

She nodded. “I wanted him to have some connection to you.”

His chest rose and fell with a large breath as he tried to process the information. He had known he’d missed out on a lot, but had never expected this.

“Selvan is the God of nature.” She dug into a pocket of her robes, pulling out a photograph that had been wrinkled in her clothes.

Severus took it from her, staring at the two boys inside it. Harry had his arm slung over the other boy, holding him close. They smiled at the camera before a joke was uttered between them, eliciting laughter from the pair. They had black hair and green eyes. They looked every bit like brothers, even dressed in similar black robes, the only real difference being the slight hook in the younger boy’s nose.

“He’s…”

“I know.”

“Who knows?” He asked, unable to tear his eyes from the picture.

“Remus and Dumbledore. They were the only ones to know about us.”

“Eleven years?” He asked again, looking at her intensely.

Lily nodded. “This will be his first year.”

“Shite.” He stood. “And Harry’s there as well.”

“What’s the problem?”

He turned at the edge in her tone, the disappointment. “The Dark Lord wants me to be back at the school. Dumbledore turned down the request, but I know the Dark Lord won’t let it slide.”

“He’s already after Harry.” Her voice shook now. “Voldemort used his blood to resurrect himself.”

“He-“ Pain began creeping up his wrist, flooding the dark mark. He shook his arm, swearing again. “I have to go. He’s calling me.” He approached her, bending down and placing a hand on both sides of her face. He kissed her deeply, committing the taste of chocolate, the scent of jasmine on her skin to memory. It had been far too long since he had done this. “Don’t try to contact me. I’ll let you know when its safe.”

She nodded beneath his hands before kissing him again. “Keep the picture.”

The burn began to grow more intense and he pulled away, hurrying from the building with a final glance over his shoulder. As he reached the field the house stood on, walking away from it and towards the line of apparition, the decayed façade appeared again.

Tucking the photo into his robes, Severus apparated to the garden like he had before, hurrying through the door and down the hallway of the warehouse. He entered the meeting hall where the Dark Lord stood waiting for him. The room was otherwise empty.

“Snape, kneel.” He pointed to the space in front of him and Severus obeyed, taking his spot.

His head was bowed, staring at the cement floor in the dim light.

“You were supposed to meet with Dumbledore and no one else.”

“I did, my Lord. The headmaster was concerned, chatty.”

“Show me.”

Severus did as he was told, lifting his head to meet the unsettling red eyes that Voldemort now had. The memory of what Lily had told him, about Voldemort using Harry’s blood tried to reenter his mind and he forced it away, tightening his barriers. He felt the legillimency probe enter his mind, searching for the events of that day.

The house appeared in his mind, falling apart as before. Only when Severus approached it, it didn’t materialize like it had for him. The same, destroyed features remained. He watched the memory replay, of himself standing inside the ramshackle building, of Dumbledore appearing shortly after.

He let the anger of before fill his veins, take over his entire being. What Lily had told him had only dimmed the rage slightly. The conversation replayed, of Dumbledore denying his request. Severus felt the connection grow more intense at the mention, that Lord Voldemort wasn’t pleased.

The conversation morphed then, of Severus asking just how long he’d been gone. The only difference was the person standing in front of him. He forced the appearance of the headmaster, making it so he was the one answering Severus’ question and wiping away all evidence of Lily. As the conversation drifted away from Severus’ duties, the Dark Lord retreated.

He pulled out so forcefully that Severus lurched forward slightly. He resumed his position of staring at the ground, too afraid to see what look had crossed his master’s face at his failure.

“You’re angry with him.” His voice was composed, stiff.

“Yes, my Lord.”

“Why?”

“It is because of him that I was inside Azkaban for so long. Because of his failure to protect me, I was unable to serve you upon your return.”

Voldemort gave a mirthless chuckle before Severus found himself splayed across the ground. The crucio had lasted only a split second, enough to send him over in pain and knock the breath out of him. Severus lay on the ground, drawing in careful breaths.

“You were given orders.”

“I’m sorry, my Lord.”

“We are not happy with the news you have brought us. Nevertheless, we have ways of securing you a position within the school.”

“My Lord?

The crucio came again. Severus’ already battered body writhed across the floor, his muscles firing over and over in a seizure like state. His elbows, his knees, even his head connected with the solid ground in the process.

“You will return to your room and you will wait further instruction. You will not fail your orders again.”

“No, my Lord, of course not.” He forced. He lay there a second longer, composing himself and allowing the spots in his eyes to disappear before he stood. He heard the sound of Voldemort walking away, of the door to his own quarters being shut. Only then did Severus breathe a sigh of relief.

He forced himself upward despite the screams inside his body, despite every part of him telling him no. He stumbled from the room with a slight limb and leaned heavily on the wall for support. He dragged himself down the hallway that led his room – his cell – with a pounding head. As he opened the door, he felt himself fall apart.

He secured his barriers even further, memories of his stint, of that of Lily, of Harry, entering his mind. He couldn’t handle the thought of everything he missed, of Selvan.

When he was alone, he warded the door with spells of his own invention, ensuring that no one would stumble in on him. He removed the picture of before, staring at the boys inside it, at his _son._ Eleven years, _eleven bloody years,_ he had missed.

Unable to stand it anymore, he removed his wand from the interior of his robes and aimed it at himself. He murmured a healing chant in the direction of what he suspected was a broken ankle and received another spurt of sparks. Severus muttered it again, more forcefully. When nothing happened, he threw the worthless wand across the room, watching it collide with the wall before falling to floor. He suspected Azkaban was better than even here. It certainly wasn’t much different.


	21. Old Haunts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Lolabunny 1992 and iNiGmA for helping me out in this dark time. I couldn't have done it without you guys. And thanks, iNiGmA for all the beta work you've done for me. 
> 
> HUGE THANKS to all my readers and reviewers. I love you guys, thank you for putting up with my crazy

By anyone else's standards, the room he was confined to was dismal. It was big enough to fit a bed and nothing more. The walls were a flat white, matching that of the ceiling, and the tiled floor. A small window sat on one wall, letting in few rays of light. It wasn't home, but it was better than where he had just been.

The window was glass, not bars. There was no cold ocean spray to drench him, or the room. He had gotten sick far too many times just from being cold and wet on a regular basis inside of Azkaban. He'd had little protection from the elements.

His mattress here was actually that, a comfortable place to lay, and with a warm blanket he could pull over himself. There was a comfort, a safety in being here that he hadn't experienced in Azkaban. The only threat of a beating he received under Lord Voldemort came if he didn't fulfill his tasks. The guards of before had beaten him for simply existing, for the crimes of his past.

It served as a reminder of why he had chosen the Dark Lord in the first place. He'd been given the promise of just this, of protection, a sense of purpose. One the Ministry, Hogwarts, had failed to provide. He'd been blind of course, not registering, or not caring (he wasn't sure which any more) what else his master was aiming for. That such a protection came at a cost and his involvement  _had_ taken the lives of others. James for example. If he allowed his occlumency barriers to slip, the faces of the dead floated freely into his mind, making him sick.

Then there was his son…  _his son._  He removed the picture Lily had given him from his pocket. He attempted to smooth the wrinkles, to get a better view of the two boys. He'd looked at the photo more than he could count. The similarities were there, the lank black hair, the hooked nose, the pale skin. Selvan looked similar to how Severus had at that age. But, it was strange. This child had been alive eleven years, and Severus had been entirely unaware of his existence for all but a few days. It made him sick to think of all that he had missed and all that-

"Severus." His name was punctuated by the pounding of a fist on the locked door and he shoved the photo back into a hidden pocket of his robes. "The Dark Lord wants to see you."

His feet were placed on the ground with a light thud of his boots. As he stood, straightening his robes, his previously injured and poorly healed ankle pleaded for the motion to stop. He ignored it, mind going to the fact that he would heal it properly as soon as he received a suitable wand.

Undoing the charms he had placed before, he answered the door. "Lucius." Severus met the thunder colored eyes of the other man, searching for any indication why he might be there. They were clouded with something unusual that Severus couldn't read, but the tight lines around the other man's mouth indicated he should be worried.

Severus dredged up memories of Azkaban, of his encounters with fellow death eaters, of the beatings. He focused on the events that the Dark Lord would see as an "injustice against their kind" and burying memories of his family – if it could be called that – behind them. His chin dipped downwards in understanding, the most Lucius would receive.

He stepped into the hall, watching as Lucius turned, heading away from him. The protections for his room were recast, preventing anyone but him from entering. What he desired to protect most was the photograph, choosing to keep it on himself at all times. It was safer with him than it could be anywhere else. But, the charms provided more than just protection, giving him a sense of safety and control too.

His steps, though quiet, echoed off the bare walls as he walked towards the man that could hurt him, could kill him, without question. He wondered if this was somehow another punishment for having failed his task. It wouldn't be unusual. The Dark Lord often gave second punishments, having decided the perpetrator deserved worse than originally given. He stopped outside the door to the interrogation room with the understanding he might not leave. Drawing in a large breath, and double checking his occlumency barriers, he stepped inside.

"Snape." Voldemort's voice was cheery – if you could call it that – but, still dripping with an impending sense of doom. A smile was pulled tight across his skin, an uncomfortable gesture for a man who so rarely gave them.

Severus left his wand in the allocated spot beside the door. It was an effort in protection against the Dark Lord, as if he could be defeated by any measly witch or wizard. Stepping farther into the room, Severus dropped to his knees, head bowing in practiced obedience and heart thumping too loudly in his chest. "My Lord, how can I serve you?"

Silence met his ears, but he was too afraid to meet the face of the monster before him. Instead, his eyes remained trained on the floor, muscles tense in anticipation of a crucio. He heard the shuffle of parchment before his master spoke to him again. "Take this, Snape."

He raised his head slowly, glancing first at the still joyous face of Voldemort, and next at the beige paper he held out to him. Severus' thin fingers gripped the roll and he pulled at the edges.

"Read it aloud."

Severus swallowed, giving a nod. He recognized the swirled writing inside, fear giving way to confusion. "Severus Snape, I would like to extend to you the position of Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House. Hogwarts finds itself in sudden need to fill this post. Your response is needed this evening, should you wish to accept the offer." He gave an internal huff at Dumbledore's tenacity. If the headmaster wanted a response now, Severus likely wouldn't have to spend another night in this dismal place. He might actually be privy to some warmth, somewhere familiar. Lily. He pushed the thought away before meeting the Dark Lord's red eyes.

"You will accept the position."

"My Lord." He began with a frown. "There are many families with students at the school that oppose the ideals we fight for. I assume my whereabouts over the last decade have been documented. Guardians will oppose my being there. Let alone the fact the Ministry is looking for me."

"You assume I haven't thought of these things?" An edge appeared in his voice.

"No, my Lord-"

"Dumbledore." Voldemort stated with a laugh. "Has always believed in the 'good' of others. He testified at your trial, did he not?"

The palms of his hands moistened with sweat at the mention. His trial had been kept from the public for such a reason. "He did."

"It will be his duty to ensure the public believes your innocence." He looked at the yew wand that was ever present in his hands, always available. "He understands the consequences."

Severus' brow twitched at the word.  _Consequences?_

"Go. Secure your position."

"Dumbledore will want me near." He forced, despite the dismissal. "My presence at the castle will be necessary with the new school year looming."

It was quiet, Severus thought he could hear the faint sound of Voldemort sucking his teeth in thought, but it was impossible. The man possessed no nervous tics, gave no physical show of emotion. The body his soul resided in was merely a container. "Its late. You will return in the morning to discuss your employment within Hogwarts."

"Yes, my Lord." He allowed an ounce of gratefulness to seep into his voice as his master took his leave. He listened to Voldemort's linen robes billow with the movement, the length of it brushing the stone floor. He heard the sigh of hinges as the door was opened and reclosed once Voldemort had stepped inside.

The occlumency barriers were dropped slightly, giving way to their usual protection. He had practiced while in Azkaban at first, needing something to keep his mind from slipping into insanity, but as hopelessness had set in, the walls he had built inside his mind slowly crumbled inward. His head throbbed from the forced, prolonged fight to keep the truth of himself hidden, having slowly fallen out of practice.

With the Dark Lord having retreated into his own sanctuary, the threat of him no longer present, Severus allowed himself to give into his foolish, most selfish desires. He had questions for Dumbledore. He felt physical rage at even the thought of the headmaster, but this was more than an opportunity for answers.

Going to Hogwarts would be simple, the only peculiarity being what had changed, something he didn't let himself dwell on. Severus knew that Dumbledore's one command, that he must respond immediately, was his way of getting Severus out of this place. The position would only be offered to someone else should – Salazar forbid – something happen to Severus along the way.

This was Voldemort's doing. Even the simplest of man could see that. The Dark Lord had once again solidified Severus' protection. Had placed him inside the eye of the community where his innocence would no longer be questioned. Voldemort had given Severus the freedom he had craved for  _eleven years._ A freedom Dumbledore had failed to provide.

Xxxx

"Severus." His name was muttered in exasperation as Dumbledore took a seat. He settled into one of the faded armchairs that sat in the Order meeting house. "We have a situation."

Severus remained standing despite the protests of his still sore ankle. Lily had eased some of his resentment towards the headmaster, but not enough. He opted for a dominant stance, standing tall and folding his arms over his chest. "The position. How did he do it?" He took in Dumbledore's face, the usual smile that was now a thin line.

"Surely you know the answer to that."

"Murder."  _Were these the 'consequences' the Dark Lord mentioned?_

"For now, she's simply 'gone missing', but we both know that isn't it."

Severus gave a shake of his head, ignoring the brewing sensation of…guilt? He wasn't sure. "He expects you to take on the task of ensuring I remain in your employment."

"I was prepared for as much. I've been in contact with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."

 _As if that'll matter._ "And the students?"

"The two should go hand and hand." He rubbed a hand down his face and it was then that Severus recognized the tiredness that ringed the headmaster's eyes. He dropped the show, collapsing into a seat beside the man. "There's a promising young auror that I hope to enlist to our services, but it comes at a price."

Severus narrowed his eyes, leaning forward so that his bony elbows dug into his thighs. "How come I feel that this price affects only me?"

"Because it does. Your memories."

 _The ones that were meant to save me to begin with. The ones I refused to be used._ If he had known how this ordeal would end, he would have been less stringent about their use. "This auror, they'll be the only one to see them?"

"That is the hope. To build a case, provide proof that you've turned to the light without exposing you fully."

"Do it." The words escaped him as Dumbledore finished his sentence. There was more than just himself to think about this time. He had to push aside his irritation, his conflicting thoughts about the situation, and listen to the man who was genuinely trying to help him. That thought didn't keep Severus from avoiding the man's gaze. "I have others that might prove helpful, but they aren't purely mine. I would need permission before I share them." He could imagine the smirk that appeared on Dumbledore's face, the man knowing just who he meant.

"I'll need them as soon as possible."

"I'll speak with her." Severus agreed. He lifted his eyes from the shag carpet. "I would like to return to Hogwarts, to my quarters."

Fiddling with the tip of his beard, Dumbledore gave a nod. "Professor Quigg's belong-"

"Quigg?" He straightened, taken back by the name. "That's who took my place?" He had known so little about her, never having bothered to learn more.

"Upon your…imprisonment…she took on your duties, moving fully into your positions the following year." Severus smirked, chest rising in slight laughter. She had been determined to stay inside the school. "Her belongings haven't been touched." Dumbledore continued. "But I don't believe she'll be joining us again."

"No." Severus agreed. "The Dark Lord will have disposed of her."

Dumbledore stood, concluding the conversation. "The charms protecting the castle remain the same." He turned slightly, and Severus followed his gaze to the fireplace he hadn't realized was there. "But, perhaps the floo will be best." He strode away, exiting through the front door where he had come. Severus wondered briefly where he was going, if it wasn't back to the castle.

He approached the fireplace, the tips of his fingers running over the brick with a slight smile. There was an exhilaration in his veins at the ability to transport himself, to harness a magic he had been without for so long.

His fingers dug into the black powder that filled the flowerpot on the mantlepiece. He gripped a fistful of it, allowing some to trickle out like sand. It was tossed into the vacant fireplace, green flames erupting where there are previously been none. He stepped inside, the flames tickling what little exposed flesh he had. "Hogwarts, potions office." He enunciated clearly.

The fire engulfed him fully, green filling his vision momentarily. It was soon replaced with whirling surroundings, giving him snapshots of other floo networks, of homes and businesses. His sight into the lives of others was quickly replaced by a room that was much more familiar.

The spinning stopped, his old office morphing in front of him. Severus remained in the fireplace as the flames dyed away. The room was nearly how he left it. The shelves lined with glass bottles that had been filled with mysterious liquids. The same beaten desk he had used still occupied a large part of the small office, the worn leather chair he had come to love tucked behind it. There were only small signs that told him this place was no longer his.

A gray sweater hung off the back of the chair. One too small and certainly too feminine for it to have ever been his. A blue quill adorned with a white feather rested on the desk. He picked it up, examining the swirls of color on the body, the different shades of blue. He fingered the feather, the black spots on it that told him it likely came from a snowy owl. It was too colorful, too light, to have ever been his. A light scent filled the air, similar to that of pomegranate. The Incense it came from rested on the desk, halfway burned.

Her belongings occupied the space, ones she had planned to return to. He found himself filled with questions, wanting to know what exactly had happened, how the curse of her old position had affected her. He was thrown off by his own curiosity, desperate to know more about the woman he had barely known.

Severus left the office, somehow unable to move her things just yet. He wouldn't need the office, not tonight. Her items could wait until then. He moved into the hallway, the door latching quietly behind him. The stone-built corridor was nostalgic to say the least. He had spent so much of his life here. It was familiar, but distant all the same. He no longer knew the students who would soon occupy this building, save for two of them, and even then... He pushed that thought away as he walked towards the hidden door of his quarters. There was no need for him to delve into that now.

The stones of the hallway readjusted, much like that of the wall leading to Diagon Alley. They slid, forming into an arch and revealing a door behind it. It appeared Dumbledore had already informed the wall of Severus' arrival. The castle already knew he was the newest occupant, that this space no longer belonged to Quigg. He placed his hand on the knob, pushing it inwards.

He was assaulted by the female presence he found inside. It was more intense than that he had experienced in the office. It seemed she had been a bit of a slob, clothes and other belongings flung about the room. It was strange, seeing what had been  _his_  home taken over by someone else. He pushed a set of robes to the side with his foot, stepping further inside.

He was overwhelmed by the guilt that engulfed him. This had been her career, her home, and the Dark Lord had snuffed out her existence in an effort to secure Severus a place here. He had succeeded, of course, but it shouldn't have been necessary for her to die.

Severus' wand slid into his hand. He needed a reminder of why he was here, no matter how selfish that idea was. He needed to ground himself. He swished his wand, knowing the incantation wouldn't take the first time. He bottled away his frustration at the useless wand, focusing instead on letting happiness take over him. Several tries later did his falcon appear, floating away with its message.

He dropped his arm, focusing with shame on the personal items he had to get rid of and knowing that Professor Quigg had once had to do the same.


	22. Giving In

She had come as soon as she could. Once she knew the boys were safe, tucked in their beds and with Harry aware that she would be gone. It disappointed her how short this trip would need to be. The situation was dripping in “should have beens”, but she was eager for what reprieve she was allowed.

Everything here was the same as she remembered it. The place having been untouched by time. The same furniture dotted the little flat as it had long ago, the small desk in the corner waiting for a potion to be brewed. It wasn’t possible that the place looked like this. Life had moved on without him. The living quarters occupied by someone else entirely and for much longer than Severus ever had. It was almost unnerving to see it returned to its original state. As if the past decade without him hadn’t happened at all.

And then there was Severus.

He stood a distance away from her with hesitation. The ease he had once had in her presence having been forced away. He had kissed her so fervently only days ago, on their reunion. Now, the immediate hunger for each other having dimmed ever so slightly, he seemed unsure what to do with her. There was a time in their life he would have embraced her as soon as he saw her, and it had all been reduced to _this._

“You’re back at Hogwarts?”

“I’m back.” The corners of his lips lifted imperceptibly into the smile she knew. “And I need to talk to you.”

Lily approached him, knowing she would have to be the one to close the space between them. “That’s why you asked me here, then?” Her hand rested on his side, her fingers falling into the spaces between his ribs, palpable through his robes.

He looked haggard, worn. His cheekbones more prominent than before. His appearance gave off an air of neglect. From his own doing or not, she wasn’t sure. His posture was rigid despite the touch she knew could melt away his worry. What worried her most was the distant look in his eyes, the feeling that he wasn’t fully there with her. Distress morphed his features from some internal debate and she wanted to shake him from it, to force an answer out of him. “Sev?” She hoped the nickname; the softness of her voice would pry him from his own mind.

“I have questions, _so_ many questions. There are things I need to know to maintain my cover, earn some peace of mind.” He met her eyes then, having previously opted to stare into space. “But, somehow they seem unimportant.”

“Do we have to discuss it now? I want an uncomplicated moment with you.” She leaned into him and he reciprocated, arms going around her almost robotically. She tilted her head backwards to meet his gaze. “Its been so long.” There it was again, the confusion, the hesitation she didn’t understand. She found the need to make herself clear. “Severus, all this time…I’ve never been able to love anyone else. I…” She huffed, frustrated with the distant look she received. “We’ve lost so much time together. I don’t want to waste any more.”

His midnight shaded eyes left hers, going to somewhere else in the room. He was rigid beneath her touch and she was afraid he would deny her request. The look on his face was pained, his brows knitted together, his mouth dipping into a frown. “Lily…” He looked at her again, seeming to snap back to reality. Severus leaned forward, the muscles of his body relaxing.

His lips brushed hers, his warm breath reaching her skin and fluttering across it. Her eyes drifted closed, melting in the familiarity she had missed for so many years. This kiss held no passion, no desire to shove her against the nearest wall and ravish her. It was tender, as though if he kissed her hard enough this reality would shatter, and he would find that it was only just a dream. “I’ve missed this.” He mumbled between pecks. “I’ve missed you.”

Her hands wandered upwards, tangling into the black tendrils of his hair. She stepped backwards, pulling him with her. She wanted to show him just how much she missed him too. It was true what she said, that there hadn’t been another. She had tried, had thought she could love Remus, but in the end, she found it wasn’t possible, not in the way he deserved. They had ended several years ago, and she had been incapable of wanting someone else, craving only one person. And he was finally here.

Their snogging grew more fervent. She suspected he craved this just as much as she. Her back bumped up against the wall and he froze. He broke the contact, stepping away from her. She watched him. In the dimly lit room his expression was obscured by shadow, but she could tell by his posture how much pain lay beneath the surface. His absence had been hard on her, had hurt her nearly more than anything else in her life, but she hadn’t stopped to think how it had affected him.

His back was to her and she approached, snaking her fingers in-between his. His fist tightened around her hand and his eyes met hers. “Tell me about Azkaban.” Her voice was soft, feather light.

With a finger, he drew the curtain of black hair behind an ear. His hand left hers as he undid the first several buttons of his robes, folding back the collar and craning his neck. She stared at the nearly translucent skin beneath, a series of black markings etched into the side of his throat. “I'm forever theirs.”

His fingers trembled as they worked. They fiddled across the fabric covered buttons, sliding each from the hole. She laid her hand on his and he stopped, arm dropping to his side. She took his place, undoing the buttons for him. Her own stomach fluttered with nervousness at what lay beneath. Surely, he wasn’t trying to show her the muscles that had formed in his absence. Her own eyes told her that wasn’t the case, unsurprisingly.

The clothing was peeled away to show an angry, crimson scar. It started an inch or so away from his armpit, curving over his nipple and running down the length of his breastbone. She touched it tenderly. It had healed, but the appearance told her it hadn’t been there long. “What happened?”

He shrugged, nonchalant at the fact. It was clear it had become normal to him. “Another inmate. Fights were common with nothing else to do.”

“What did he do it with?”

“A sharpened rock” He pointed to a similar scar near his belly button only this one had faded with age. “Same with this one.”

“And your mind?” Her eyebrows came in sympathetically. “How scarred is it?”

“A bit.” He lied, averting his eyes once more. One thing Lily noticed was a sudden ease in her ability to read him. Before he left it had been damn near impossible.

“Harry’s in Gryffindor.” She blurted in an attempt to change the subject. Her hand still teased on his bare skin, inspecting him. “And you’ll get to see Selvan's sorting.”

Severus was silent, and she was afraid she had said the wrong thing. “I can’t know them, not like that.” He mustered, his voice having grown husky. “It isn’t safe for any of us.”

“He may be in Slytherin.”

He shook his head vehemently, walking away from her with a slight limp and taking a seat with his head in his hands. “That’s even worse. I can’t imagine the Dark Lord’s presence there is any better than before.” Lily swallowed, it was a thought she had tried to avoid. But, that was while there had been another head of house. The circumstances would be worse now with Severus being under Lord Voldemort’s command. “His looks are sure to rouse suspicion.”

“Not necessarily.” It was the one fact she could assure him on. “He looks like his brother, having only a few minor changes. He was born close enough to the Dark Lord’s downfall that strangers may assume I fell pregnant before James’ death.” His jaw set at her words. She knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, knew he wanted no association with the man, but it was the unavoidable truth. He didn’t rebut, and she knew he understood that too. “If not, you aren’t the only wizard with a Roman nose.”

She sat beside him, her fingers trailing along his bare back. She took in his prominent spine and ribs, the knobs of each jutting through his skin. He had been skinny before, but nothing like now. He had wasted away in that place in more ways than one. It terrified her to think what would have happened had he been there any longer.

Distracted by the sight of him, she was surprised by the tight grip that appeared on her knee. He lifted his head, looking at her. A new depth swimming in his eyes. “They’ll be here in just over a month. Come with.”

She looked at the dismal walls around them, wondering if she could stand the constant darkness. “Live…here?”

“You said we’d already lost enough time. You’ll be safer here, with your children-“

“-our.”

“…o-our children.” A slight wrinkle appeared in his nose. “And you can floo out anytime, just like you did to come here.” His voice dropped as he added the next sentence. “I don’t know where you live or even what you do for work…”

She avoided the almost question, not quite sure how to broach the topic. “I’ll do it, I’ll stay.” Her lips lifted into a smile and she felt him relax beneath her hand. “The three of us are going to Diagon Alley on Thursday. Its Harry’s birthday.” He looked away from her at the words. It surprised her how much Harry pained him. She knew that he had been close to him as a toddler, but would never have expected such disappointment. “Come with us. Use an appearance charm.”

They both knew he couldn’t _come with_ them. But, it was an opportunity for him to see Harry and Selvan, even if it was from afar. That wasn’t a fact that needed to be said aloud. They were both aware of the circumstances, the consequences.

“I could use a new wand.” He justified with a smirk. “Funny, when you’re a criminal on the run you don’t get your belongings back.”

“I always did have a thing for bad boys.” She quirked her mouth into a coy smile, leaning into him again. There was no hesitation on his part this time, eagerly agreeing to what she was suggesting. Her full, red lips met his which were thin in comparison.

He was almost entirely tasteless, no hint of food or drink lingering on his lips, only the salt of flesh meeting her taste buds. His mouth was warm and inviting, a sensation she could fall into and unlike any of the other men she’d been with. It wasn’t that he was special, necessarily, better. Only that it was _him._

His hand had worked beneath her shirt, pressing into the skin of her low back. He drew her closer as he reclined, the two of them moving in sync despite the years of distance. His head rested on the cushions and she hovered above him. His chest rose, stomach giving a jerk of laughter as he brushed away her strands of hair that were tickling his skin. She threw her head forward with a smirk, causing more red hair to fall from behind her shoulder.

The laughter, the slight smile it evoked, intensified her longing for him. She had hungered for this intimacy, wondered if she’d ever get it back. She wanted to collapse on top of him, allow his warmth to surround her, to permeate her being and never leave the hold. Her eyelids fluttered shut as she lowered herself to him, her hips meeting his.

His hands reached up, every finger running through her long hair and pulling tightly as they freed themselves. As Lily kissed him, his hands wandered further. They trailed down her neck, brushing gently against her skin before spreading out across her shoulders. They squeezed gently before lowering further, down her arms. He was exploring her, as if he couldn’t quite believe that she was here, was the same person he had loved once.

When his hands reached her waist, one slid beneath her blouse. He caressed her side, a sigh escaping his lips as his fingers slid beneath her bra. His other palm gripped her ass, holding tightly and pressing her closer. It was then she noticed his erection pressing into her. The trousers that had once bagged slightly around his hips, now pulled tight.

“This is…Merlin…You’re incredible.”

Her own desire welled up inside of her, flooding every cell of her body. She was consumed by the satin touch of his skin, the slow, deep voice that spoke just for her. Lily’s head bowed, her own shuddering breath of need escaping her.

She removed herself from him long enough for their pesky clothing to be removed and forgotten and a contraceptive spell to be cast. Severus had righted himself into a sitting position, leaning against the back of the sofa. Eleven years hadn’t aged him in the way she had expected. Although he was gaunter than he’d been before, everything was just as she remembered it.

She resumed her place on his lap where he dragged a thumb across the long-ago faded stretch marks that lined her stomach. His expression was unreadable, and she tilted his head upward. His gaze softened as he beckoned her closer. She obeyed, and he nipped at the skin of her neck. A shiver trickled down her spine, causing her to arch at his touch. His arms came around her, drawing her closer, making them nearly one.

Her body was heavy, weighted down by a need she longed to be fulfilled. Her cheeks flush with warmth that spread down and into her limbs. She was uncomfortable in her own skin, anticipating the release that would come. She wanted Severus to exhaust her. Her chest tightened, nipples growing erect when his hand was felt between her legs.

He teased at the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, running a finger nail along the length of it. A noise escaped her, similar to that of a purr as he reached the bundle of nerves between her legs. His thumb wound in fast circles, sending a tingle down each leg and up in a line towards her stomach. She fondled her own breasts which had grown weighty with desire, as if they had grown. She pinched, winding each nipple in half circles and back again. Her head leaned on Severus’ shoulder as she did so until she couldn’t take it any longer.

“I need you inside of me.” She begged, pressing more fully into him. The touch between her legs was pulled back, allowing her to position her hips and for him to slide inside. She moved to a rhythm unheard by anyone but them. His hands gripped her arse, fingernails digging into her flesh. His hold tightened, squeezing her as his head was thrown backwards.

She watched the soft rises of his chest. How breath filled him before he quickly blew it out. She watched as the movement grew faster, as the muscles of his chest and shoulders seemed to contract. Her own thighs tightened around him and she paused, stopping all movement.

He looked at her, almost offended, and she smirked back at him. Her fingers found the scar of before, and she followed it across his skin before kissing the distance of it. When her own impending orgasm began to dim did the movement resume. She lifted and lowered herself on top of him, feeling her legs growing weak.

His hands moved to her side, trailing up towards her breasts and cupping one in each hand. When the signs that he was going to cum came again, she stopped.

“What are you doing?” He groaned, anxious for her to go on.

“You’ll see.” She spoke softly, nibbling at his ear this time before kissing the tender space behind it. She inhaled the earthy, sage scent of his hair. It was different than what she had known before, regardless, the scent of him aroused her further.

Her fingers wound into his hair, tightening at the base of his scalp and giving it a tug as her body fell back into the rhythm of before.

She continued this way for some time, stopping the rocking of her hips each time one of them drew near the edge and teasing some other part of him until the threat of finishing wasn’t as eminent. She noticed him growing more frustrated each time she stopped.

His shoulders would drop slightly, the line between his brows deepening. His hold on her would diminish. The aggravation was worth it, making the anticipation nearly unbearable. He would thank her later.

Deciding it was time, that she herself couldn’t hold off any longer, she began to move for a final time. The pulsing of her body was quicker this time, determined to finish both of them. She paused a minute later, a moan escaping her lips as she went before him. Her shoulders shook, her nails cutting into his flesh so fiercely it drew blood. Too caught up in the moment, or turned on by the act she wasn’t sure, but Severus didn’t seem to notice the wound she had created. She contracted the muscles inside of her, those around him, a result of the orgasm crashing over her.

“Oh!...Lily!” her name was forced through his teeth at the action, a shiver running through him. She felt his body tighten a final time, watched his face contort into one of immense pleasure as he finally came inside of her.


	23. Memories

She lifted herself off him, returning to more of a sitting position. With her movement rose his disappointment. He rested his hands on her hips, trying desperately to hold on to this moment. Lily leaned sideways, plucking her blouse from where it had been left. She slid her arms into the sleeves, silent as she began doing the buttons over herself.

“I need to go.” She said finally, her voice hushed.

He gave a nod. Gone were the days of baby Harry sleeping in an adjacent room, of he and Lily intertwined beneath the covers of the bed, so completely a part of one another that it was hard to tell when one ended and the other began.

Now they had priorities, unable to spend every waking moment in each other’s arms. Severus was expected at the Dark Lord’s side in a short time. She would be with the children _, their_ children, carrying on the duties of a parent they should have shared.

“I’ll come on Friday.” She whispered sympathetically. He reached up, rubbing a thumb across her cheek.

“There are things we need to discuss.” Those very thoughts filled him, of the topics he had to broach. He had so much unfinished business. Things he wondered if she had finished without him. “But, they can wait until then.”

She gave him a smile that he would have considered happy if not for the dulled sparkle of her eyes. She leaned into him with one final, lingering kiss. He inhaled the jasmine on her skin, the sweet scent throwing him backward to a similar time. The floral smell still made him weak in the knees, his body going limp.

Lily separated herself from him, drawing a groan of disappointment from his throat as she climbed from his lap. He watched hungrily as she finished dressing, forgoing cleaning herself up. He knew her, knew that she would climb into the shower as soon as she arrived home. It had always been a habit of hers and he had teased her for cleansing herself of him so quickly. Now the idea of it stung.

She stuffed her underclothes into a pocket of her robes, stepping across the room towards the fireplace. He found himself unable to move as he watched her dip her hand into the floo powder, the flames igniting inside the brick as the powder made contact. He heard her speak an address he had never known before the fire engulfed her. Severus saw the waggle of her fingers in his direction before she was gone, the fire snuffed out right along with her.

He was left in a solitary confinement that was somehow worse than all those lonely years in a cell. He was the only person in this gargantuan castle, the only living thing save for the few mice running through the corridors. Yet, even if it had been full, bursting with students and other professors, the one person he wanted to be with had left.

He stretched for his wand, pulling it from the sleeve of his previously discarded clothing. He had no desire to move, to even think, and allowed occlumency to take hold despite the headache he knew it would cause. The final door of his mind shut, leaving him as little more than an empty shell. Drawing his wand through the air, he conjured a thick, downy blanket. He folded himself on the small couch, burrowing in the warmth of the cover and fading off.

Xxxx

_Severus’ lungs rattled with each breath of cold air. Each exhale coming out in billowing steam in front of him. He pressed himself closer to the rocky wall in an effort to protect himself from the storm raging beyond his bars. A mixture of rain and ocean spray made its way inside his room. He pushed his plastered locks away from his face, water dripping from his fingers in response. The cotton of his clothes was equally soaked, pressed to his weedy frame._

_He squeezed his eyes shut, willing for an escape, to be home, away from this place. He ached for dry air, a source of heat. The wet, the cold stopped suddenly. Drops no longer fell on his skin. But, he could still feel the wall beside him, as rough as it had been before. Despite his wish, it was clear he hadn’t been transported from this place. His eyelids came open again, staring at the changes._

_A small crowd had formed around him, faces that we’re distantly familiar. Dozens of eyes bore into him, blank from death, but turned vengeful with reanimation. Their features we’re overtaken by fury, advancing on him. Voices gurgled from their throats and a buzz of mixed conversation hung in the air. Severus was unable to make out their words, knowing only that they were directed at him._

_With no escape, he shrunk in on himself. The voices grew louder, turning into shouts. He was incapable of turning himself away, of blocking out the noise and instead found himself getting lost in the chaos. Some were recognizable, he had known their names. Others only provided him with a flicker of recognition, but he knew them all. He has been responsible in some form or another of costing each of them their lives._

_It didn’t take long to find the hazel eyes and jet-black hair amongst the crowd, the features of the one thing, the one man he hated more than himself. Such a sight would have filled Severus with a bubbling hate little over a decade before. There was a time in his life where he had actively_ wished _for death to befall his childhood bully._

_Now, the sight of the man awakened guilt, a sense of shame. He wanted to plead for forgiveness. He had taken a father away from his son. Looking at the throng surrounding him, threatening to overtake him, he was filled with a similar sensation. Mothers, fathers, children, siblings, all of them towered above him._

_“I’m s-sorry.” He burbled, forcing the words through a too dry, and too tight throat. He felt starved for air, oxygen no longer reaching his lungs. “I’m so sorry.”_

His eyes opened, and he found stone on every side of him. He rubbed his hand across the back of his skull, seeming to have connected with the ground. He straightened his arms, lifting his upper half up while his palms remained on the floor below.

It took him a moment to place himself, the eyes of his dream having been so real. They haunted him even now that he was awake. It wasn’t a surprise, the faces of his victims came to him often, and usually in worse shape.

Avada Kedavra wasn’t the only way to kill someone. Torture often came first, or ended a life completely. The scenes death eaters left behind were often filled with blood and other carnage. It almost unnerved him more to see perfect representations of the people that had died. It was harder seeing them as they could have been.

Sweat beaded at his forehead before running down his face. He felt another drop inching down his spine. His skin was clammy, and he shivered as he pushed himself from the floor. It was no wonder he had dreamt that he was wet and cold, he _was._

He picked up the previously discarded blanket, wrapping it around himself before reaching for his wand. A quick incantation and the time shone on the wall. He had to hope now that it was accurate, not the result of a weak, faulty wand.

There were three hours before Severus was due at the feet of Lord Voldemort, before he was to be in the presence of another human being – if one could call the Dark Lord human. That was another unnerving thought. After so many years of solitude, part of him yearned for company while the other was terrified of it. Lily was the one person he felt truly comfortable with and possibly the one person he couldn’t be with. He had just over a month to go. Then the teenagers would return, and he knew that need would quickly be snuffed out. The one thing he could look forward to was Lily at his side, providing all the companionship he could ever need.

Xxxx

Severus apparated, landing in the back garden of what he shamefully considered his home, or had at one point. It was evident that no one had been here in some time. The carefully tended row of herbs had long ago died, shriveling into nothing and being replaced by weeds. The grass now resembled that of a dirt patch, reminding him of his time here as a child.

His only protection come here was a disillusionment charm. He was afraid aurors would be lurking, expecting him to pull the idiotic move he just had. Dumbledore would need more than a few hours to buy him time. But, he had spent a long enough time away from this place

He longed for clothes that were something other than poorly transfigured Azkaban garb. His own potion supplies would be ideal. Severus found himself wondering what had happened to his belongings, if it had been discarded, possibly tossed inside a storage room like Professor Quigg’s had been.

The handle of the back door let out a squeal of protest as Severus gave it a turn, pushing into the door with his shoulder until it gave. He stepped inside, boots landing on a dusty and warped floor. A glance at the ceiling told him a hole had long ago appeared, rain water becoming a part of an already decrepit home.

He ran a finger across the counter top, memories flooding him. His skin met a chip, a hunk of the tile having been forced out of it. He remembered what had caused it, the rage that had swam in his father’s dark eyes as Severus was shoved into it. He remembered the back of his head colliding with the hard surface and the blood that had poured from beneath his hair. He was no longer sure what had caused the incident. Too many of them blurred together, his father having gotten angry at the simplest of transgressions – if they could be called that.

But, it wasn’t just bad memories that existed in this place. This was where he had helped his Mum cook, where they had to be creative about what ingredients would be used in dinner, having little food in the house for an actual meal. It was where, he thought, his love for potions, for invention had originated.

Best of all, and a thought that required separation from the others, he had made love to Lily here. The touch of her skin against his had been engrained in him for some time, how they matched each other’s rhythm. He remembered lifting her, placing her here and all the sensations that had come with it.

He continued into the next room with similar recollections, but found that this room was not as he had left it. On top of the dust littered coffee table sat a yellowed, rolled, piece of parchment. Severus grabbed it in curiosity, taking a seat in his favorite arm chair.

‘Severus’ was scrawled across the top of the scroll in swirling, dainty handwriting. His thumb traced across the blank ink and he wondered how long-ago Lily had written this. Drawing in a breath, he unrolled the parchment. Dried circles of tears dotted the page, black ink smudged along with it. The date across the top let him know it was written only a month after he’d been sentenced.

_Sev,_

_I know you’ll probably never get this, but I find myself writing it anyway. Being without you has been hard, and not just for me. Harry has been asking for you, wondering why you haven’t come back. It makes you being gone that much more painful. To see him lose a father and the person that could have been his dad._

_I stayed in your house the first night you were gone, but I was too surrounded by things that reminded me of you. The earthy scent of your skin is everywhere, I can’t turn around without finding something that reminds me of you. It was why I had to leave, the situation only becoming more painful._

_Having you with me, being in your arms, it felt like I was home, and it was taken away from me, from us. It feels so unfair. We finally had our chance and now I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. Remus told me this would happen, he didn’t think we should get involved. Maybe he was right, that we ended up hurting ourselves more than anything else, but I don’t regret any of it._

_I think about you every day, about what we might be doing, and where you are now. I remember when we were kids, when you told me about the dementors, how scared I’d been of going to Azkaban. You tried to tell me I was too good, and at the time I thought the same about you. I still think you’re good, Severus._

_I was angry at first, after your trial, at the things you had done, the people you had harmed. But, I know now that you’re no longer the same person you were then. All I can hope, is that you’ll come back and that you’ll prove to more than just me how much good remains in you still._

_All my love,_

_Lily_

The words blurring from his sight, Severus run a hand down his face, resting at the end of his chin. He allowed the parchment to curl in on itself, returning to the position it had been in for so many years. He wondered briefly if there were more.

He wanted to go to Lily, to know more about what had happened while he was gone. He had so many questions that his head throbbed from them all. He had had so many plans, _they_ had, and they were back to square one.

His eyes flickered to one of the many bookshelves that lined the walls, looking at one spot in particular. The books along the shelves slanted to the side, compensating for the item that was now missing. The box of memories, of notes and photographs that had once sat there was gone. The corners of his mouth turned upward, knowing just who had taken it.

He folded the letter, placing it in an interior pocket of his robes, determined to place it with his other things. Severus released a sigh that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. There were only two days before he’d see her again. The knowledge that he would lay his eyes on all three of them on his son, was enough. He understood that the boys couldn’t know who he was, that she couldn’t be associated with him, even if he didn’t really resemble himself. He would cling to the words she had left him, the untainted memories of her.

He continued his route through the home, no longer inspecting, but collecting. The Dark Lord was expecting him shortly, and he wasn’t sure he could risk coming back here. He shrunk things, stuffing them inside his pockets. He had few items to his name that were worth taking, only the necessities. Under that category fell potions supplies.

He reached the cabinet of his ingredients, his fingers lingered on the drawer, suddenly remembering what lay inside. The memory of that day came flooding back to him, of the orange peppered sky and the grass beneath their feet – their backs. He remembered her laughter, the twinkle in her eyes. He pulled on the drawer, starting at the white, dried flowers that laid within, remembering something else entirely, _the potion._

 


	24. Diagon Alley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize! I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated this! I promise not to take so long for the next one. There are some updates on my profile as well.

“I look like a Weasley” Severus scrunched his no longer hooked nose at the reflection of himself in the mirror. He met Lily’s eyes through the silver tinted glass before rubbing a hand up the now orange scruff that dotted his chin.

“I quite like it.” She lowered her wand, tossing him a smirk. “I have to get back, before the boys notice I’m gone.”

He dipped his chin downward in understanding, grasping her hand for just a moment. Her delicate fingers rested in his. He gave a tug, drawing her closer and pulling a smile across her lips. He rested his forehead against hers, inhaling the scent of Wintergreen toothpaste and freshly washed skin. “Bring them to Ollivander's first. I’d like to see him get his wand.”

“I will.” She mumbled in distraction, meeting his gaze with a similar passion.

“10 o’clock sharp.”

“10.” She agreed with slight exasperation, a roll of her eyes, but she smiled at him still. Severus lifted a hand, rubbing his thumb across her lip before placing his own mouth on the trail he had created.

He felt as though they were teenagers again. The time that had separated them had given them one small thing, a renewed passion for one another. It had been there up to the minute of his sentencing, but it was different this time. They had matured, grown into themselves, her more than him, but a giddiness lived inside each of them at the promise of each other, stolen moments together. It was unhindered by grief, by loss and moments of distrust for the first time in their lives. They had been given the opportunity to learn that they were there for each other. They were finally given the chance to love and be loved by one another.

“Lily…”

“I know.” She smiled softly, reading his mind without occlumency. “I really must be going.”

He sighed, pulling back and releasing her. In just a couple short hours he would be with her again, but it felt like a lifetime away after eleven years of distance. Severus watched her turn towards the floo, leaving him in solitude of the castle once again.

His heart sunk a little as she disappeared, not only because she was gone, but because they still had so much to discuss. This situation was more complicated than ever before. He had just gotten her back, his _family_ back. He wasn’t ready to lose them again.

He knew there were things she wasn’t telling him, perhaps for the same reason, but he knew life had continued without him. He hadn’t expected her to drop the potion they were working on just because he was incarcerated. They had begun to work on it together, yes, but he wasn’t the reason the potion was necessary. He wouldn’t risk the lives, the sanity, of the Longbottoms – and who knew how many others – for the opportunity to create the potion with Lily. He wasn’t _that_ selfish. But, at the same time, he had heard nothing about advancements in the area. Surely, she wouldn’t keep such an accomplishment a secret. That led him to believe it wasn’t an accomplishment at all.

But, as much as his thoughts wanted to linger on that area of his past, today was meant to be a happy one. Sure, it wasn’t happening in a way he had ever wanted, but many things in his life hadn’t.

He tried not to have regrets about the things they had done, about accidentally creating a child in the midst of war, but he did all the same. He pushed the unnecessary thought away. It did him no good to dwell on things he couldn’t change, things that were wholeheartedly good. There was too much evil in this world already. It was his time to undo some of that which he had created.

He’d been in the presence of the Dark Lord less than twenty-four hours ago, discussing this very thing. Although Voldemort found it to be a ruse to further his cause and nothing else, Severus had something else in mind: freedom.

_“Dumbledore has found away to secure you, I presume?”_

_“Yes, my Lord, with fabricated memories.”_

_A grin split the tight, grey skin of Lord Voldemort’s face. “Perhaps the old man is wiser than I thought.”_

Severus shook away the memory. He wouldn’t let his day be invaded by such darkness. His occlumency skill had slipped, that much was obvious, and it disappointed him. He was still able to hide himself from the Dark Lord, the most important aspect of it all, but not without repercussions. In times like now, when his mind wasn’t so tightly guarded, he suffered the invasion of his own thoughts. A rather irritating consequence. But, today, he would focus on the “Potters”, even if it meant a migraine in the process.

Xxxx

“What are you looking for, Mum?” Harry’s brow was a furrowed in a way that reminded Lily so much of his father. A similar expression would cross James’ face whenever he found himself in deep concentration or concern. She couldn’t help but smile at the similarity, even if it meant he was being suspicious.

“Nothing.” She muttered, instead turning to the other boy who was pulling insistently on her sleeve.

 _“Mum._ I need my supplies.”

“Alright.” She laughed, placing a hand on his shoulder and guiding Selvan in the direction of Ollivander’s. Her eyes scanned the crowd, looking for the newly transformed Severus. Part of her was worried he wouldn’t make it. Coming out here at all was risky enough.

The three of them meandered down the cobbled street, with her walking as slow as possible without being suspicious. Severus couldn’t miss this. Far too soon did the black bricked, leaning building come into view. Through the large, rounded windows were boxes upon boxes of wands and a familiarly hunched red head. She relaxed slightly, surprised that he had beaten her here.

“Why are we here first?” Harry insisted, the bell of the door tinkling as they stepped inside. “This was the last stop for me.”

“I know. I wanted to start here this time.”

Harry frowned and she ignored it, watching instead as the redheaded Severus was measured and quizzed, just as he had been twenty-one years ago. His mum had spared enough money for a wand of his own, the rest of his belongings being her very own hand-me-downs.

“What does measuring his height have to do with it?” Selvan hissed, watching the man he didn’t know.

Severus peeked over his shoulder at the voice, his coal black eyes falling on that of his son. Lily’s eyes were heavily trained on him, watching for his reaction. She saw the corner of his lip jump ever so slightly before he faced Ollivander again.

“ _Mum.”_ This time the voice held exasperation.

“Oh.” She blinked, returning herself to the presence. “It dictates the length of your wand. The taller you are the longer the wand.” Lily looked at the gangly boy, one who had so clearly taken after his father when it came to that aspect. He too would likely tower over her one day.

Ollivander stepped away, disappearing into the back of the shop. Severus stuffed his hands into his pockets, turning towards them. “First year at Hogwarts?” He raised a brow, his voice higher than usual. Lily coughed in an attempt not to laugh. Selvan nodded eagerly, too shy to provide an actual word. Again, like his father.

Severus turned her gaze to her then, narrowing his eyes. “You’re familiar.”

She smirked at his game. _Clever._ “Lily Potter, err, Evans.”

“Evans.” He smiled. “Year of ’78?”

“Yes.” She laughed.

Ollivander returned, interrupting the fabricated conversation. She watched as the frail man passed Severus a dark brown wand.

“Who is that?” Harry hissed in curiosity as the wand was given a swish.

She blurted the first name that came to her mind as small explosion appeared in front of them, controlled only by Severus’ skill. “Louis Weasley.”

“Weasley?”

She swore to herself, realizing her mistake as Ollivander disappeared once again. “He’s Ron’s uncle, I believe.”

Silence fell between them, Severus not attempting to make more conversation. Lily had weaved a dangerous cover for them, one that could easily be disproved. He knew nothing about the Weasleys or their children. He hadn’t been around any of them since their Hogwarts days. Choosing a lie about Harry’s dearest friend could only be bad.

It was Ollivander’s brittle voice that broke the quiet minutes later. “Try this one.”

Severus took the second wand, waving it through the air. A small bird erupted from the tip, its yellow wings fluttering in the musty air of the shop. With a flick it disappeared again.

“Yes, yes. That’ll do just fine.” Ollivander pulled the wand from between his fingers, returning it to the box it had come from. “Blackthorn, dragon heart string, pliable.”

“Wrapping isn’t necessary. It’ll be a fair bit better than my broken one.” Severus held his hand out and the box was placed inside it with a muttered agreement. He pulled his other hand from where it still resided in his pocket, bringing with it a stack of coins and passing them to the proprietor. He stepped to the side of the shop, out of the way as he pulled his new wand from its box, looking it over. Lily stole a quick glance as she prodded Selvan forward. It was black, simple, and if she remembered correctly, the same wood and core as before.

 “You don’t mind if I watch, do you?” Severus asked, the question directed at his son. “It’s always quite interesting to watch a boy get his first wand.”

Selvan looked at Lily with hesitancy before giving a nod. “O…okay.”

Lily watched as Severus slipped the wand up his sleeve, into the place it belonged, with a faint smile of satisfaction. A wand always did make him feel safer. She wondered for a moment where his loaner had gone.

Her eyes fell on Selvan then, Ollivander whirring around the boy with the same measurements he had performed only moments ago. Harry stood with his arms crossed in impatience, showing the world that he was a typical thirteen-year-old. Lily rolled her eyes, prodding him with a glare.

The four of them watched as wand after wand was brought out, slowly destroying the shop. Selvan’s cheeks grew redder with each attempt, embarrassment taking over him.

“Sometimes it takes a while.” Severus assured from where he leaned against the wall beside the door. “It just means the selection is more accurate.”

“It only took you two tries.” The boy mumbled with a bravery that surprised Lily.

“This isn’t my first wand. It took me many tries when I was eleven, too.”

Ollivander narrowed his eyes, taking Severus in. Lily knew he didn’t recognize him, a fact only so many lies could cover. Yet, he was silent, focusing instead on his work. Ten more minutes passed, shredded bits of paper and chunks of wall surrounding them. With so many new witches and wizards experimenting in here for the first time, the building fell apart more easily.

“Give this a try.” Ollivander sighed, passing the boy a deep brown, almost red wand. With another gentle swish, the store remained intact. Nothing else flew around them or shredded into bits. Instead, blue sparks burst from the tip.

Ollivander frowned. “Two blackthorn wands in the space of minutes. It isn’t one of our more common wood types. Very curious indeed.” His hesitation was wiped away, replaced with a smile as the wand was taken, wrapped, and Lily paid.

Their day continued in and out of each shop with the redheaded man watching them from a distance. Lily was the only one to know he followed them. He never grew close enough to be noticed, save for the few times he bumped into them “accidentally” and exchanged a few words. But, he was there through every stop, watching every interaction with an expression Lily could never read.

They reached the Magical Menagerie, the final stop Lily and Severus had agreed on, a way to signal that the day was done. With Harry having Hedwig, she had promised her other child something as well.

“ _Oh! Look at this one!”_ Selvan pointed into a cage with more excitement than he’d had all day. Lily stepped around him, peering inside with a laugh. In front of them was a large, yellow snail with a tiger stripped shell. Burn marks lined the cage, the snails’ foot leaving fire behind him as he moved.

“That doesn’t fall under the cat, rat, or owl requirement.”

He pouted, but moved on, knowing protesting was worthless. Severus entered the shop then, his eyes going directly to the owls. With the boys distracted, peeking into every cage the store held, Lily approached him.

“Would you be able to come by tonight?” He dropped his voice so only she could hear.

“Once I get them settled. I have many questions.”

“As do I.”

“Severus?”

“Louis, you mean?” He raised his eyebrows, smirking at her.

Her own mouth flattened as she tried to control her own smile from breaking out. “I have Freyja.” His face lit up in a way that she so rarely saw at the mention of his little owl. “I’ll bring her with me.”

 

 

 


	25. Stolen Moments

Severus rolled his new wand between his hands, feeling the simple ridges that adorned its handle pressing into his flesh and leaving red lines. In many ways it was similar to his old one, his  _true_ wand. The core and wood of which this was crafted was the same as before. Now, it lingered with the artificial scent of lacquer and a too perfect appearance. He had treated his previous one with care, desiring to keep it as perfect as possible, but twenty years of use took its toll. Gone now we're the dings and scratches that appeared over time and any association that Severus had had with it.

This one was unfamiliar. He had no doubt that it would be equally powerful, but that wasn't the concern. This one hadn't been tested while his mother watched with hopeful eyes, with that spark of unprecedented glee filling her equally hollyhock shaded eyes, a similarly dark purple ringing the edges of each iris. It was such a rare, uncomplicated happiness. One of his only memories that was entirely pure, untainted by his father or his own mistakes. A memory that was now wrapped up in his guilt with too many others. He had lost his wand as a result of aiding the Dark Lord and had been given this shoddy replacement.

Lily had told him it was nice, had inspected it that morning with a tone of admiration while the boys were distracted. Then again, she would have said the same if it was lime green with purple polka dots. She was always carefully treading the line of compliments, afraid to accidentally hurt someone without perhaps realizing that such a thing wouldn't affect him.

Disappointed as he was, he couldn't say the trip to Ollivander's was all bad. The picture Lily had given him hadn't done either boy justice. Selvan's eyes were a shade darker than that of Lily's or Harry's, resembling a patch of green grass in the shade of a tree instead of the tree itself. His hair had been black, as Severus expected, but it wasn't the unruly mess his half brother had inherited. If Severus was honest, it might have been a tad greasy as well. Then there was that ridge along his nose, barely noticeable if you weren't looking for it, but prominent if you were.

It was a fact that concerned him. His friendship with Lily had been well known, ostracized within both of their houses. With Selvan in the castle, beside the father he resembled, it only took a person of his past with a vague recollection of the person he had been to slide those very easily fitting puzzle pieces together. They were a month away from finding out just exactly how obvious that relation would be.

And then there was Harry. His scar was his most prominent feature. It was still colored with scarlet, as if it had been left after a substantial fall a few days prior rather than by a sadist years before. It wasn't the faded, peach color that scars so often inherited and the vibrant red was noticeable beneath the messy strands of hair Harry attempted to cover it with.

He looked like James, there was no denying that rather disgusting fact. A fact that made him uncomfortable, that made him feel like a child again. But, it wasn't him, Severus continued to remind himself. Within the boys chest lay Lily's kind heart, and hopefully his head held that knowledge of hers as well.

It had been painful to watch his makeshift family from a distance, to linger unsuspectingly on the fringes of conversation around a corner or tucked behind a shelf. He was grateful for that moment, the muttered words of assurance he had given Selvan in Ollivander's shop. With a pang he knew those would be the only kind, if not meaningful words they spoke to one other in the foreseeable future. Selvan, and Harry for that matter, would be treated no differently than the students that surrounded them. Severus hadn't had the patience of a Professor before, and he doubted that he did now. They too would be subject to the always brewing wrath.

Neon green lit the room in an instant, dying away with a similar flash as Lily stepped into the dungeon room he occupied, rousing himself from the pool of self-pity he had created. He gave her an instinctive glance, drinking in the happiness that radiated off of her. How she could be attracted to him, her polar opposite, he would always question. This time, however, his eyes fell on the little creature that had accompanied her, that rested on her shoulder.

Forgoing any greeting, he stuck out his arm, giving his tongue a click. The wise, amber eyes met his and she took flight, landing on the perch of his arm as she had many times before. He stroked Freyja's downy feathers, her eyes drifting shut.

"I can see I'm not needed."

He turned towards the airy jab. "You can go. This is all I wanted."

Lily moved towards him with an exhale of forced laughter, a glare morphing her features, but only slightly masking the playfulness between them. "I'm afraid I don't have long."

Considering he preferred she stayed forever, he had to agree. He prodded the little owl away and her wings beat almost silent in the air as she searched for a place to land.

Lily approached him in slow, purposeful motions, leaving only a hairs width between them. He could feel her warm breath across the nape of his neck before her words came in a whisper. "I've missed you."

Goosebumps erupted across his skin as he was filled with pleasure, a need. "Nearly twelve hours, how did you survive?" He gave a roll of his eyes, avoiding her questioning gaze before her lips were on his skin. His arm snaked around her almost instinctively and he knew the real reason she had come here would have to wait.

Xxxx

"Has he said any more?" Lily bit her lip, adjusting the pillow beneath her head as she stared at him in the dimly lit room. The light, orange flame reflecting off his pallid skin and exaggerating his features in shadow across the wall. His own head was propped up on one of his arms, the other arm splayed out beside him. He gently rubbed the tips of her fingers with his, staring upwards at the ceiling.

He gave a slight jerk of his head, indicating that no, Dumbledore had not. "I'm not sure I can trust him. If anything, the situation is worse than last time."

Lily couldn't help but agree, although she didn't say that out loud. Instead, she looked over him, eyes falling on his bare chest, blanket pulled up around his navel.

"That's were you come in, unfortunately." He turned to face her and she met his eyes, barely noticeable in the matching darkness that surrounded him. Impossible to read for reasons unrelated to occlumency.

"I wasn't much help last time either."

He ignored her, a sign that perhaps he agreed with that. She heard a soft exhale of hesitation and knew it wasn't a question he  _wanted_ to ask, but one he needed to. "I need your memories. Anything that might convince the Ministry to let me stay." Severus' hand slid completely over hers, gripping it tightly as if he was afraid he might be taken that minute.

Memories. That was hardly something to worry about. "That's it?"

His frown pulled tight "Well…they're  _private._ I'm frankly not thrilled at the idea."

"Ordinarily, I would agree, but I can't lose you. Not a third time. The last was said in a whisper, a possibility she was too afraid to say louder.

He gave a slow nod. "Lils, I wouldn't ask-"

"if you didn't have to. I know."

His chest dropped as he exhaled a breath of anticipation. Severus had always been a private person – to say the least. He didn't allow anyone in. She knew this situation pained him perhaps more than Azkaban itself, but to her, it wasn't a big deal.

Memories had flitted through her mind at the suggestions, possibilities. There were several she was sure she could use from childhood and a handful of others from the time before his sentencing. Intimate moments between them would be spared, they didn't prove anything the Wizengamot needed to know.

As much as she hated it, Harry wasn't the only one in the spotlight. Her name seemed to be plastered across the Daily Prophet should she so much as sneeze. Lord Voldemort had given that to her, a gift she never wanted. But, in this instance, it might help. James had been well known for his involvement in the fight against Voldemort and his followers, better than she. The world knew he had fought for the light and she alongside him.

Severus' first trial had been held in secret. Each member present in that courtroom had sworn that nothing would escape the dungeons of the Ministry. It had to be hidden from Voldemort. The very man who had insisted this time that it happen again. The security wouldn't need to be as tight this time, but still there would need to be some form of secrecy. She loved Severus. Her heart physically ached at the thought of him, butterflies still forming in her stomach from time to time, but nothing was more important than their children. She wouldn't put them on Voldemort's map even to save Severus, but she knew he knew that.

"There's something else." He spoke up again. "Something I should have brought up sooner. My mind's been…preoccupied." The corner of his mouth gave a twitch and she pulled the blanket higher around her bare self, knowing exactly what he meant. "Who was your secret keeper?"

She frowned, her eyebrows coming together and forehead wrinkling. The question seemed out of place. "Sirius, you know this."

"Then why does he insist that he's innocent?"

"Because he doesn't want to be in Azkaban." She felt as if the answer was fairly obvious.

"He's a death eater, right?"

"It's what everyone assumes, yes."

"He didn't have a mark. At first I assumed he hadn't gained the Dark Lord's trust enough to earn it. It isn't unusual for such a thing."

"But?" She straightened, fully invested now. He scoffed at her persistence.

" _But_ , the night of the breakout we were taken directly to headquarters. Sirius wasn't there. I don't think he was taken."

"Couldn't…couldn't that mean the same thing? That Voldemort didn't trust him?"

"No…" He spoke slowly, unsure of what he was about to say. The hesitation in his voice was prominent, uncharacteristic. "He would have taken anyone, anyone that could help him in his cause."

"What do you suggest then?" Her heart had fallen fully into her stomach. For so many years she – and perhaps all of the wizarding world – had believed him a murderer, that he had taken after the Black family name after all. The suggestion that that might not be true at all, that he might have been wrongly imprisoned…

"It isn't my suggestion, rather his insistence. He hounded me with information, assurances at every possible moment. For a long time I didn't believe him, but now, I'm afraid that's changed."

"No. There's no other possibility. Sirius was our secret keeper-"

"Was he?"

The words were said with such force that she was knocked off guard. The words she had begun to say now forgotten. What other choice was there? But, Severus was so adamant that that was the case. "What do you know?"

"It was Peter. It has always been Peter."

"It's not…it's not possible." She shook her head, refusing to believe it. Poor, simple Peter was dead. Sirius had killed him.

"He isn't" Severus answered, seeming to read her mind.

She sat up, holding her head in her hands and allowing tangles of hair to full into their face. He came up beside her, his hand going to her back and rubbing at the muscles she hadn't realized she had tensed. She felt sick as fear slithered inside her stomach. She didn't want to believe it, didn't want to think it was possible that Sirius had been wrongly accused, that Peter had been Merlin knows where all this time, that James had  _lied to her_  about who was protecting her family. But, it made sense. "When Voldemort came back, when he…" She swallowed, her mouth having turned into the Sahara desert "…he knew things about us that he shouldn't, that he only could have learned with a spy."

"A rat."

"it wouldn't have been hard for Peter. Even if we'd discovered a rat living within our walls he wouldn't have been my first thought."

"What did he know?"

"I tried to keep Selvan a secret. I'd gone into a sort of hiding, only leaving the house disguised and if I absolutely needed to. We'd moved to a muggle area after…" She paused, swallowing again. Severus wasn't the only one with secrets. "after…Mum…died." She glanced carefully at him, searching for a reaction in the dark, but receiving nothing. "It was a way to keep him – all of us – out of the ever seeing eye of the wizarding world. He could attend school and live a normal childhood and no one would even know."

"But the Dark Lord." His voice was one of resignation.

"Yes."

"Has he been targeted?"

"No…not yet anyway. Voldemort is after the one he can't seem to kill, but it's only a matter of time."

"Selvan and Harry will both be at Hogwarts. There are enchantments, myself-"

"It doesn't matter." She almost laughed. "Hogwarts seems to be the most dangerous place of all."

"It happened here?" There was a note of astonishment in his voice, as if he had never considered the fact.

"With the help of a Professor. Quirinus Quirrell, you remember him? That funny Ravenclaw."

"The walking textbook." Severus confirmed.

"He helped Voldemort inside the castle, he-" She gave a shudder, her voice hitching at the memory. The hand on her back was moved, going around her shoulder and drawing her to him. Her head was pressed against his chest, hair tickling at her face. Her mouth was held firmly shut, unable to say any more. He was quiet and she was thankful he didn't prod her forward, didn't push for the answers he deserved. He just let her be.

"Selvan, what did he settle on?"

"What?" She forced through her closed throat, taken back by the random question.

"When I left you were still in the pet shop." Freyja made a burble of noise from her perch across the room, as if attempting to remind her. Severus turned toward the little owl with a slight smile.

"A cat. He's black with a few white hairs on his chest."

"Not too many students bring those. They almost all go for the Owl, suddenly having a reason to own such a strange animal."

"Yes, well Harry has one of those." They fell into silence and she wiped at her eyes, attempting to compose herself. "Sev, it's late." She felt the shift of his head against her, the confirmation that he knew what she was saying. All too soon she had to leave again. She too couldn't wait for them to be together, for her to stay here beside him once school had resumed for the boys. "I need to go." She sighed in disappointment, suddenly tired from their discussion. "I'll let you know when I've decided on memories."


	26. In the Dark of the Night

Steam billowed around the two of them, contrasted with the cold tile pressed against her back. Hot drops of water speckled her skin, wetting her hair and running down her bare skin, but she paid no attention. The presence of Severus was overwhelming, the touch of him, the gentle brushes he left on the sensitive parts of her skin, the kisses that followed. He sucked a particularly soft spot behind her ear. She tipped her head in response, her eyes fluttering closed with a sigh of pleasure.

Lily’s hands reached out, feeling him blindly. She felt the familiar ridges of scars, ribs, beneath her fingers and traced every one, every imperfection. “Severus…”

He pulled back, looking at her intently. Water dripped from the curtain of hair partially covering his face and he slicked it backwards with his fingers. He bent slightly, his hands going beneath her arse and lifting her. Her legs wrapped around his waist and he pressed into her again.

He kissed the drops that dotted her, wiping away those on her shoulder, her clavicle, and down between her breasts. Lily exhaled in pleasure, tightening the muscles of her thighs. A finger ran up her side, tracing her curves. It followed the length of her arm before stopping at her wrist and grabbing hold. Severus did the same with the other side of her. Pulling both of her arms above her head. She was suspended entirely by his hold, his body. He made slow, gentle love to her and she relaxed. The hasty passion, the desire for more because they couldn’t get enough that was there at the beginning of his freedom had morphed into a slow, mutual, and regular satisfaction.

The pleasure within her grew with intensity, a wave of shivers finally crashing over her sometime later. Every muscle in her body contracted before relaxing and tightening once more. She moaned, saying his name again. She opened her eyes, having not realized that she closed them, and meeting his. Black as the night and glimmering just the same.

Xxxx

Damp heat radiated from the other side of the bed, a result of their recent affair in the shower. Her long, red hair – turned a shade darker by the water – was fanned out above her head. Lily was nestled deep into the blankets, the heavy wool pulled up to her chin.

He could barely make out her silhouette in the darkened room, but his eyes weren’t necessary with a woman he’d loved for so long. He had memorized the way her chest rose and fell with each breath, the content look spread across her face as she slept.

He wondered when she had found that look again, that peacefulness. When they were first together, she lived in fear of what the Dark Lord had done to her family. Nightmares were frequent in their nights spent together. She’d sit straight up in bed, a glazed look in her eyes until the invisible threat passed. He’d missed that change. When the terror was replaced with safety, when she decided no one was lurking around every corner. Then again, he’d missed a lot of things.

It wasn’t as if her life was without hardships now. He’d heard snapshots of what had happened to Harry. Their family was still being hunted, but somehow, she had come to terms with it. She’d become stronger than the situation itself. Severus wasn’t sure he could say the same.

She wasn’t supposed to sleep. It was a silent agreement they had come to. Children prevented sleepovers. But, he couldn’t wake her, not yet. He couldn’t break the spell that had fallen over them in the quiet hours of the night. In just three weeks’ time she would be here with him. Such worries would be gone while Hogwarts was in session.

Severus felt her shift in the black of night, her hand finding his and enveloping it. He smirked to himself. This had never been the life he imagined for himself. As a child he had never found such a love conceivable. Whether it was because he was never shown it, never truly experienced it, or because he’d found other matters more important, he wasn’t sure.

Things between them was been far from perfect, they both knew that. They had so many mountains to cross together and admissions to make, but he no longer felt like the moon. Nearly impossible to obtain and catastrophic if he drew too close. He had finally found a star he was allowed to admire, and planned to make it right when – **_if_** – this war ever ended. But, now, their night had to end.

He placed his hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle push and she stirred beside him. “Lily.” He whispered. “It’s late.”

She drew in a large breath before blowing it out in disappointment. “How long was I asleep?”

“Not long. I would have let you stay all night if it was possible.”

She rolled to her side, inches from his face. He felt the palm of her hand on his cheek before she came closer, pressing a quick kiss to his lips with a sighed “I know.” She crawled over him, stepping into the cold of the dungeon and dressing. Seeing little in the dark, he heard only the shuffle of clothing, the squeak of the door as she departed, the crackle of flame from the next room, and then she was gone.

Severus rolled over in the bed that seemed much too big for just him and drifted into his usual, unpeaceful sleep.

Xxxx

He woke sometime later, his eyes bleary and his mind fogged. With his eyes still closed, he palmed the table beside him, searching for the wand that had been discarded there. When he felt the smooth wood slide beneath his hand, he cast a lumos, sending blue tinged light into the room.

He blinked at the sudden brightness, giving his eyes a moment to adjust as he sat up. When the light no longer seared his eyes did he notice a vial that had been deposited on the very same table. Blue strands shimmered inside it, and he had no question about what it was.

Severus dressed quickly, clothing himself in his rarely changing robes. He hurried from his quarters, down the familiar corridors of the dungeon. He ascended staircase after staircase at a pace he never would have used in front of other people. The only prying eyes here, in the summer, were that of the portraits. Even Dumbledore had vacated the castle, residing some place unknown.

He slowed only when he reached the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to Dumbledore’s office. He jogged up the moving staircase, muttering the name of some overly sweet candy. He heard a click within the heavy door and allowed himself inside.

It was a bit strange, walking into the dark office when Dumbledore wasn’t there. It had never occurred to him that until this moment he had never been in here alone. Gone were the familiar puffs of machines, the chatter of the other headmasters long ago secured by paint. Drawing his wand back out, Severus called the pensieve.

The vial of memories was now warm in his hand, damp with sweat. He tipped the contents into the small, hovering dish and watched as the liquid inside came to life. Snapshots of what the blue strands had contained swirled amongst the potion that made this possible. With a mixture of hesitation and desperation, he fell inside the pensive, to a world long ago forgotten.

Xxxx

Severus watched the forms of Lily and his younger self laying beside the river. The grass was dead beneath them, sprinkled with leaves. The occasional bit of trash lined the riverbed. Overgrown trees cast shade across them, blocking out the searing summer sun and turning such an ugly place into one of refuge for them.

Her feet were crossed at the ankles, her arms slack at her sides. She wore a flowered, yellow dress that brought out flecks of color in her eyes he hadn’t known existed. Lily was the image of perfection, of a loving childhood beside him – the very opposite.

She turned her head, looking at the young Severus that laid beside her. “You called Tuney a muggle.” She scrunched her nose. “What does that mean?”

He gave a shrug of nonchalance. “A person without magical blood.”

“It’s just…me…then?” Her voice was quiet, disappointment almost consuming it.

“It seems so. That means you’re a muggleborn, a magical kid with muggle parents.”

“And is there anything…wrong with that?” Lily’s voice had dropped even lower, afraid of his answer.

“No.” He hurried. “There’s nothing wrong it. It’s an advantage few wizards have.”

“Advantage?”

“You’ll have a knowledge of both worlds, muggle and magical. You’ll fit in wherever you go.” He laughed as some memory crossed his mind. “Wizards of magical families don’t know how to do anything. You should see how they dress when they try to fit in with us. They’re stumped by the simplest things.”

The corners of her mouth rose into a smile, placated by his words. He had meant it. There was _nothing_ wrong with being a muggleborn. What he didn’t tell her was how parts of the world viewed people like her. A stereotype he himself had fallen into at a point in his life. A lie that he had allowed to cloud his vision.

The memory ended, morphing into a scene similar to the last. They had spent many afternoons in this sanctuary. He remembered this one in particular, just by the sight of it. It was a day he could never forget. The fear on her face was evident to anyone that could have come across them. By this point, he had learned what the miniscule changes in her expression meant, but this time it was so obvious anyone could have seen it. She had been silent almost the entire day, ignoring not just him, but the world. He had been half surprised that she had even shown up here. He was equally quiet, giving her space. Instead, he admired the leaves hanging above them.

“Severus.” She began finally, slowly, not meeting his eyes. “Tuney…she said when we get to Hogwarts, ‘if it’s real’, that you’ll forget about me.” She chewed her bottom lip, afraid of his answer.

Anger billowed in him even now, so many years later. Petunia had tried so hard to end their friendship, to manipulate her sister into believing she wasn’t special, wasn’t unique, _wasn’t magical._ “Why would I do that?”

She shrugged, still staring anywhere but at him.

 _“Lily.”_ His voice was exasperated, not because of her, but her sister. “My home life isn’t…great.” That was a stretch if there ever was one. “Dad…well, before you I had no one. I would never forget you.”

“We’ll stay friends?”

He nudged her, forcing her to look at him. When she finally did, he smiled. “Always.”

Another dissipation. The ghosts of what they once were reforming into one that took place years later. One that he wasn’t a part of. This one occurred at Hogwarts. The garish red walls dotted with gold inlays, the inviting fireplace across the room. He had only seen Gryffindor tower a handful of times as a professor, but there was no mistake that this was it.

His blood curdled in his veins at the sight of who was there. The unmistakable figure of James was sprawled across the plush sofa in the center of the room, taking up most of it despite not being the only person there. He ran a hand through his black hair, ruffling what was already a mess. Lily stood across him, her hands on her hips while the other three marauders were mixed throughout the room with several other Gryffindors.

“ _How could you?”_ She hissed, her eyes glistening. She gave a series of blinks. “You promised me you’d leave him alone.”

James gave a lazy shrug, as if they were discussing what they had for breakfast. “He won’t leave us alone, he’s always lurking, trying to catch us doing something wrong.”

Lily gave a sharp bark of laughter. “A feat that isn’t hard to accomplish. You’re a bully.”

“Only to those who deserve it.”

“And who are you to determine that? You aren’t the savior of the wizarding world, no matter how hard you try.” She turned so quickly towards the staircase that Severus was surprised she didn’t stumble. “Leave Severus alone. You’ve sent him to the hospital enough.”

Memories continued in a similar fashion. Their private talks along the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, far enough away that they couldn’t be heard, her fights with James as she defended him – a factor he had never known about. The “pranks”, the abuse that had been carried out against him detailed. The curses he, James and Sirius had exchanged, their trips to the hospital, Lily’s growing exasperation.

“Sirius.” Her voice was little more than a whisper. “You’ve gone too far.” She swiped at a tear that had escaped, was running down her cheek. “You could have…you could have killed him.”

“Lily- “

She cut him off, his indignant voice telling her where this conversation was going to go. “I’m tired of the excuses.”

Then there was James, of far too intimate moments of he and Lily. Images Severus never wanted to see. Of him proposing, of their wedding, of her announcing her pregnancy, of the moment everything fell apart. When they received the news of the prophecy – more importantly – that the Dark Lord knew. The ones that came after were that the both of them living in fear while Harry remained clueless to the danger that tried to reach him. They were interspersed with love, happiness. The Potters had been a family through and through. Severus had always known it, to see it was something else.

Memories of Severus came after. Of when she had followed him, of him admitting the things he had done. Their own moments of love played out in front of him. They had been happy together She defended him to her Mum, to Remus, saying that he had changed, that their view of him was wrong. And then there was his trial and her devastation that followed.

Everything faded once more, turning into nothingness.

Severus’ feet were firmly planted on the stone floor of the headmaster’s office once more. Before he could form a thought about what had happened, what he had seen, a phoenix burst to life in front of him, blue, and carrying Dumbledore’s voice.

“There’s been an attack.”


	27. Fire and Fury

Every part of his being was flooded with fear, every nerve springing to life with an anger and a ferocity he didn’t know was possible. Every instinct within him told him to run, to make sure she – they – were okay. But, his feet remained glued to the floor. A permanent sticking charm had been cast on the bottom of his shoes by his imagination. There was no ability to move forward, to turn and apparate. All he could was wait.

The twinkling beyond the floor to ceiling windows told him it was still late. Dawn had yet to crest over the surrounding hills. He didn’t know how long he had been alone, how long-ago Lily had left him. The tendrils of sleep that had invaded him distorted any sense of time he once had. As of now, there were only two things he knew for sure.

His dark mark hadn’t burned, his master hadn’t called him. Severus wasn’t foolish enough to believe that this attack had been carried out by anyone other than his fellow followers. It had been planned and action had been taken all while he had lived in the illusion of safety.

Although the Dark Lord’s ultimate goal was to reign over the wizarding world, to wipe the earth of the stain he believed muggles and muggleborns alike had caused, he only had one true enemy: Harry Potter. The Dark Lord knew of the prophecy, knew that their lives were forever intertwined. Harry had eclipsed almost every other need, every thirst for power, the moment Severus had passed the information that caused this mess to begin with. Severus held no doubt that the Potters were once again the victim of Voldemort. Dumbledore’s message wouldn’t have been nearly as urgent otherwise.

It was likely that was why Dumbledore had messaged him at all. Had an attack fallen on any other member of their world, Severus would have been informed when it was convenient, not when it was necessary. The headmaster would have waited until morning, rousing him with the full details. He wouldn’t have disturbed Severus with unnecessary news.

There was nothing he could do.

His falcon couldn’t be seen. If Death Eaters truly surrounded her, the results would be dire for everyone involved. Severus was sure the Dark Lord had his suspicions. Severus had once asked for Lily’s freedom, had nearly fallen to his knees and begged that she be spared. The details of his first trial were meant to be a secret, but Voldemort had hinted that wasn’t the case. Severus couldn’t give himself away even more than he already had. He had to wait.

Xxxx

The black of night faded to indigo, stars dimming beneath the growing sunlight. Severus had remained there all this time, for how long he didn’t know. He had collapsed into an overstuffed armchair long ago; his legs having gone weak in nervousness. His hands still cradled his head and a gentle hum – a song long ago familiar – came from his lips.

Occlumency had been attempted, but the barriers weren’t what they once were. The walls of his mind had crumbled inside Azkaban and he had yet to make full repairs. He was unable to keep the images of what he might find, mind hear, from entering his brain. Scarlet that had pooled in open streets, in a house, on the Hogwarts’ grounds. Clots having formed, turning it from a life-giving fluid to that of sludge. Bodies draped in white sheets, the persons beneath it both known and not. The possibilities were endless, and he had tortured himself with them all the while.

There was no reprieve when he was utterly alone. No distraction. The portraits that hung on the walls gave him no attention. They, along with Dumbledore, had been privy to the most gruesome details of his life, laid out in this very room. No matter his reason for being there, the portraits had decided he wasn’t deserving of pity, of comfort. Instead, they remained still, feigning sleep. Paint didn’t need rest.

In four words he had been reduced to that twenty-one-year-old boy. “ _She and her son survive.”_ Dumbledore’s words from long ago echoed in his mind, the assurance that not all was lost. His wick of hope had been reignited in that moment, the candle no longer snuffed. _"You know how and why they were attacked. Help me protect them."_

Severus begged a God he didn’t believe in, cried out to Merlin himself that this had been a misunderstanding. His eyes were closed, the heels of his hands pressing so deeply that spots were beginning to spark across his vision. He was lost in this darkness, debating if the Big Bang would be next on his list to plead with when Dumbledore’s voice came again.

He shifted, his hands falling from his face and blinking away the dots in his eyes as he stared at the blue phoenix once more. It gave an address and nothing more, no explanation, no command, only a place. Without hesitation, perhaps with a whisper of home, Severus stepped into the floo of the headmaster’s office.

Xxxx

Wisps of smoke swirled around him, clouding his vision. The steel toe of one of his boots knocked against what he sincerely hoped was a rock, sending it skittering across a solid surface. Severus removed his wand, casting a simple wind charm so as to see more clearly. The smoke dissipated as a reaction, confirming one of his deepest fears.

Dying shades of orange flickered around him, the last remnants of flames that engulfed the building. What had once been walls were now sections of scorched wood. The fire had ruined any clear division between rooms, only leaving destruction. Smoking furniture, burnt belongings. Items that had once been loved.

A meter so away laid a slip of paper, a photograph. Severus approached it, lifting it from the ash that remained. The edges were black, crumbling beneath his touch. Inside were three people surrounding a birthday cake. The number “9” flickered atop it, a boy grinning behind it as his mother – Lily – clutched his shoulder.

“Where is she?” The last vowel was uttered higher than the first, coming out in a desperation only Lily was privy to. “ _Where are they?”_

Dumbledore stared back at him, his icy pools of blue softening in an empathy that Severus hated.  “Severus…” His voice was soft as he spoke, the degrading tone one would use when death was a possibility.

He grit his teeth together in response. The blackness of his anger overtaking that of grief. “Tell me what happened.”

“We don’t know.”

Severus was speechless. He rubbed a thumb and forefinger down his closed eyelids, pressing tight, his hand trembling. Too many questions, concerns, flit through his mind in a blur, none of them clear enough for him to settle on one. Even if he’d had an idea of what to ask, he wasn’t sure the tightness of his throat would allow it.

“She was still an active member of the Order. Every residence linked to our organization is placed under an enchantment that warns us of danger. We believe we arrived when the blaze first started, but it was already too late.”

“Too late?” His heart thumped wildly against his chest, pounding into his sternum so hard he was distantly afraid it might crack. The trembling – once contained – found its way into his core. His entire body began to shake, his knees going weak. He clutched whatever burnt chunk of building was beside him, no longer recognizable. He vaguely registered that it was hot against his flesh, but that was not his top concern.

“We found no evidence of her or Harry.”

“And the other boy?”

Dumbledore gestured to a point beyond the house where a congregation of Order members had formed. “He’s safe. Distraught, but otherwise unharmed.”

Severus’ eyes fixated on his son, hardly visible through the mass of people surrounding him. His decision made before he’d even given it thought. “It’s only right that he’s placed with a parent.”

“Severus.” Dumbledore’s voice came again, sharp and demanding his full attention. “She was under an enchantment that warns us of danger.”

“Yes, I seem to recall you already said that.”

The headmaster sighed, exasperated that Severus had been unable to pick up on some specific clue. As if Severus’ mind could pause it’s worrying long enough to even think rationally. He had just demonstrated that such thoughts were currently impossible. “The Order should have been alerted when whoever did this set foot on this property.”

He felt his face curdle into one of horror, goose bumps erupting across his skin. “It was someone she knew?”

“Someone she trusted.”

“All the more reason Selvan should come with me.” He couldn’t let his thoughts drift to Lily, to her fate. Yet, he couldn’t help glancing at the picture still clasped in his hand.

“And your mark?”

The weight of his reply was heavy on his tongue. He had to physically force the words from his being, afraid of what exactly they’d mean. There was no other choice. It was an action he should have taken long ago, one he had never honestly considered. But, this life was no longer just his. Greater debts lay for his family than for his masters. “I believe it’s time we revoked Lord Voldemort’s control.”

Xxxx

Selvan tried to block the voices, the honeyed words of those that tried desperately to comfort him. He was angry, devastated, and most of all, _terrified._ Unless one of them was trying to inform him that his Mum, his brother had been found, they were of absolutely no help. Instead, he gave a nod whenever the pattern of speech broke, signaling the end of a reassurance. If it came down to it, he could say he had been too broken to pay attention. A lie that wasn’t entirely untruthful.

He fixated on the headmaster instead, peering between two adults he no longer remembered the names of. It was his way of not giving into the emotion raging inside of him, of not letting his tears spill over and run down his cheeks like a baby. Not in front of these people.

He’d never had the opportunity to meet Dumbledore. He’d only heard Harry whisper his name as if the man was little more than legend. Although he was excited for his own time at Hogwarts, he had never understood his brother’s fascination. He was curious about the headmaster, yes, but what intrigued him more was the man he was talking to.

They had unmistakably pointed to him moments ago, making the topic of their discussion clear. Selvan felt almost angry at the way he slumped at words Selvan had been unable to hear, at how his arms flailed with some deep emotion. This was _his_ family, and yet everyone felt the need to intrude, to feel some kind of injustice as if they’d been affected personally. None of them had lost their families like he had tonight. They would each go to a home that was still intact, full of people they loved. Selvan now had none of that. Even this man, this strange seemed to act as though he had lost something.

There it was again, the pointing. The conversation between the two men seemed to have merged into an argument. Even the people surrounding Selvan, attempting to comfort him, had noticed. Their voices had stopped long enough in curiosity, and the headmaster’s bellowing voice had grown loud enough that the final sentence met his ears. “Only fools attempt to win wars by themselves.”

Silence. Awkward Silence. And then, the man was gone.

Dumbledore stared at the place in front of him where he had just stood before his attention fell on Selvan who wished to disappear even more than before. His purple robes billowing behind him, the headmaster approached, and the Order dispersed, leaving them alone.

He hadn’t wanted them there, but now that he had garnered the attention of one specific person, he wished they were back, shielding him like Harry’s cloak.

“Selvan.” Dumbledore crouched in front of him, his voice softer than it had been moments ago. Any sign of anger, of a fight now gone. The change in demeanor surprised him so completely, Selvan almost wondered if it had happened at all.  “I’d like you to come with me.”


	28. Dark Secrets

The dungeon was dark, lit by only a flickering flame. Severus cast a lumos, sending rays of blue light to blend with orange and yellow hues. Normally, he'd found the dark inviting. A sense of freedom could be found in having your vision nearly blacked out. In many ways, it prevented him from recognizing the ever present mistakes of his past

Now, the dark felt imposing, suffocating. The flame ate at the oxygen filling the room, the torches serving as a reminder of what happened to Lily. Had her body been mingled with the ash of wood? Taken for the Dark Lord's own personal enjoyment? His mark had yet to burn, an act he'd never wished for before now. To feel the Dark Lord's blood boil within him, to know that he might be given an answer. Severus had never craved looking into the monster's scarlet eyes before, but now the thought consumed him.

He had come to a decision. He knew what he must do to leave the Dark Lord's side, even if it put a permanent target on his back. It couldn't be done yet. Not until he knew the circumstances surrounding the disappearance of Harry and Lily. It had to be a careful balance of saving all four of them. Severus wasn't afraid of losing his own life, death didn't intimidate him, but if he was foolish enough to get himself killed, it wouldn't be long before the lives of the Potters cascaded after him. He was perhaps the only one keeping them alive in that moment.

He stared at the flesh of his left arm, tainted by Voldemort himself and allowed himself to ponder what it would be like. Not only the freedom he would earn, but the way in which he would get it.

Xxxx

Rage radiated from the headmaster beside him, a result of the earlier argument Selvan had witnessed. It was the only thing stopping his questions from bursting from his mouth. He thought he knew a great deal about the wizarding world, having grown up inside of it. His Mum had homeschooled him in more than just muggle subjects, but now he was surrounded by portraits that watched his every move, a castle that seemed to expand each time he thought he reached the end, and a headmaster that didn't seem as legendary as anyone claimed.

Those weren't the only questions floating through his mind as they descended into the depths of the dungeon, their footsteps echoing in the hallways, but they were the only ones he could allow himself to think of. The reason why he was here was too painful to relive, to question. Even if he could bring the words to his lips, he couldn't ask them with the man beside him in such a foul mood. The dust would settle and maybe then he would get his answers. Maybe they'd be back and such questions would never need to be said a loud.

Without any indication that they had reached their destination, Dumbledore paused abruptly. A hole appeared in the stone, growing, changing shape until a plank of dark wood was revealed behind it, a door. The headmaster gave three loud knocks, his anger seeming to sprout from his fingers. He had regarded Selvan with kindness, although the two of them had hardly spoken a word. Selvan had no idea what they were doing here. He just wanted to go home.

The door was pulled open slowly, allowing not even a peek inside. Hesitancy dragged by, adding yet another wonder to Selvan's list. It moved only slightly, pausing for a moment before being whipped open fully and revealing the man of before.

His mouth was flat in a sour expression, his eyes narrowed. His spine was straight, making Selvan feel impossibly smaller and insignificant, and then it was gone. The harsh expression softened, giving way to morbid curiosity, sympathy. Selvan hated it.

"Severus."

Like gasoline to a flame, Severus' eyes ignited. The moment of reprieve was gone as the two adults regarded one another like toddlers, another conversation carrying on without the necessity of words.

"You'll be staying with Severus." Dumbledore turned to Selvan, his voice soft. "I'll keep you informed."

Selvan opened his mouth to protest the decision he hadn't been apart of. Staying with a stranger. His Mum had taught him better than this. He felt as though he might finally crack.

A knowing smirk crossed the Headmaster's features, a sparkle forming in his depths of blue. "I think you'll find the two of you have quite a bit in common." And then he was gone. Striding back the way they came and leaving Selvan with nothing. Seeing no other option, he stepped inside.

Xxxx

The air in the room grew tight as Selvan was locked inside the small dungeon space  _with him._  The black cat Lily had told him about was held tightly to the boy's chest as if he was afraid to lose the animal too. He'd adopted a façade of nonchalance, trying to keep his face neutral and was failing miserably. He was utterly devastated and Severus didn't know what to do, if anything. Lily would have enveloped the boy, whispered soothing words while she stroked his hair. She had done the same thing to Severus more times than he could count. All Severus could offer was an unconvincing grimace.

He instead glanced to the cat, raising an eyebrow. "Name?"

"Pythia" Selvan answered after a beat, his voice giving a quiet tremble, confusion dancing in his eyes.

Severus forced a smile to come to his lips, to wipe away his menacing normal. "Oracle of Delphi". It was a story he had heard as child, one whispered at candlelight in the quiet tones of his mothers voice. One he had shared with Lily.

Some of the fear seemed to drop from the boys face at the shared recognition, being replaced instead by questions alight in his emerald eyes. "You know it?" He allowed the Pythia to drop to the floor, landing expertly on all four feet before slinking away.

Know it? It was because of  _his_ knowledge that it had been passed onto Selvan. "I did." It was a part of his life that had long ago been sealed away. An occlumency barrier wasn't enough. It was a piece of his heart that had been bricked up, made impossible to find. It seemed Lily had worked her way in, cracking the foundation he had maintained for so long and all with the little boy standing before him.

His eyes skittered away, determined to focus on something else. Selvan may share some of his features, but the light that was Lily shone through more than anything else. He touched his mark absentmindedly, willing it to burn. "Your placement here…" His voice trailed into silence, unsure how to finish the sentence. He had meant to say temporary, but he couldn't give the boy false hope. If Lily wasn't found…this could become a permanent situation. "You'll be safe here." The one reassurance he felt comfortable with.

"How did you know my mum?" He blurt, taking Severus by surprise.

He had been about to show the boy where he would stay for the foreseeable future. An interrogation wasn't what he expected. He was silent, a hundred possibilities forming before he settled on part of the truth. "We attended Hogwarts together."

Selvan narrowed his eyes, a shadow of suspicion crossing his face. "Who are you then?"

"Professor Snape."

"No." He shook his head vehemently. "You were there, weren't you?"

Severus had stared into the eyes of many eleven year olds over the years, had made more than a fair few tremble in fear. Never had he been on the receiving end of such a situation. He contemplated his answer, understanding what Selvan was referring to.  _That_ was when his saving grace came, if it could be called that.

"Stay here." He commanded more gruffly than he meant to. He flexed the fingers of his hand, willing the searing pain away. The skin of his forearm was warm, splitting open in pain. His veins writhed inside like a snake coming to life. This call was urgent. It couldn't be put off, couldn't be ignored. "There's an owl in there." He gestured to the far away door of his bedroom. "Contact the Headmaster if you need anything and do  _not_ leave this place. Do not explore the castle." The pain grew more intense and he clenched his jaw. The Dark Lord would only give him time to travel across the Hogwarts grounds and no more. He strode from the quarters with little more than a hurried glance at the confused and frightened boy. Severus owed him an explanation – many explanations. He knew Selvan would see Freyja, would explore his quarters, but it was a concern that had to wait.

As the door slammed behind him he cast a locking charm. Even if Selvan tried to leave he'd find himself incapable. Severus stepped with purpose down the corridor, an unusual hurry in his step. He daren't use the floo of his quarters out of fear that Selvan would follow him. He instead stepped into that of his office. He'd barely stepped from the flame into his Spinner's End home before he turned on the spot, disapparating. He didn't notice the pair of eyes watching him across the room, the man concealed under a poorly cast disillusionment charm.

Xxxx

A hand squeezed his upper arm, long, yellow nails digging into his flesh. And then another. Two heavily cloaked men secured him, yanking his wand from the interior of his sleeve and casting a silencing spell across his lips, leaving Severus capable of little more than murmurs. He didn't fight, lowering his head in mock defeat as he was dragged from the appointed alleyway to the nearby warehouse. How had everything gone so wrong so quickly?

Severus was led down the stately, exceedingly bare hallway to the interrogation chamber. Such measures weren't necessary. He wouldn't have fought the men containing him, he would have bowed his head and behaved like a good little death eater should if it meant saving Lily, saving Harry.

" _Severus"_ The Dark Lord crooned upon his entrance, his voice like that of nails on a chalkboard. His voice was dangerously quiet, his anger too contained, but high pitched all the same.

Severus was dropped, the grip on his arms released so suddenly that he fell without a chance to prepare for the fall. A swift kick was given into his side for good measure, forcing a breath of pain from his mouth. He gaped in agony, fighting the desire to cradle the growing bruise above his kidney.

"How long have you been involved with Lily Potter?" Voldemort towered above him, eyes of blood staring him down. Severus felt his barriers diminish. There was no point in hiding, not if the Dark Lord had already figured it out.

"My Lord?" He questioned, fighting for time.

He clenched his sharpened teeth, his lip twitching into a sneer so intense that his nose would have wrinkled if he had one. A wind pushed into Severus' mind, blowing him backward with the intensity of Voldemort's search. He dug at every corner of Severus' brain, searching for the answers Severus refused to provide.

He gave him only what the Dark Lord already knew. Snapshots of their childhood, of their growing distance. Severus heard his own rasping voice pleading for the lives of the Potters. That Voldemort might spare them and go in search of the prophecy child elsewhere. Then came the mocking laughter, the refusal of his request, his own agreement that women of purer blood were out there, more fit for his desires.

Memories of Lily coming to him after the death of James and how he had pushed her away. Hidden were their moments of intimacy, hushed whispers of love the Dark Lord would kill them for. And then it was over as fast as it had begun.

He had never been subject to such strong legilimency, not even at his initiation. Severus fell forward, unable to help himself from the pain creeping ever upwards, the invasion. His palms met the cold floor and he dry heaved.

"My Lord." He forced through ragged breaths, willing the contents of his stomach to stay just that. "Mudblood filth is of none of my concern. We were close, yes, but she chose to fight for things I could never support. My duty lies fully at your feet. I am indebted to you."

Quiet pats of feet were all that could be heard. He didn't lift his head, either afraid of or incapable of moving. Black curtains of hair occluded his sight. A dangerous disadvantage. It was because of this that he didn't see the spell, the one that sprawled him out across the floor. A sickening crack was felt upon impact and Severus closed his eyes.


	29. Seeing Red

_Green. The towering oak trees of the forbidden forest. Overgrown grass beside the Cokeworth river, rustling in the breeze. Bushes they had once hid themselves behind. The fresh green of spring flowers, sprouting into life. It was the lightness, the liveliness. The painfully ever-present beauty of nature combined into one perfect shade. Flecks of brown, of the dirt in which plants once grew. Sunlight illuminating all of it and setting his chest alight. Green. He’d always associate it with her, with life._

_Now it was ash. Thick smog hanging over Cokeworth, coating the buildings of the village. Foliage having fallen to the ground to rot, fertilizing the earth beneath it. The color of decay, destruction, abandoned worlds. Emerald eyes once twinkling now replaced with the vacant stare of death._

_Her eyes had gone hazy. He tried to cover them, to force her eyelids closed, but it was pointless. That look would always haunt him. Her gaze having been fixated on a world he wasn’t privileged to see. He cradled her close, trying desperately to press some of his own warmth back into her body._

_His fingers were intertwined with hers. He brought her graying fingers to his lips, brushing gentle kisses across the surface of her knuckles. Indigo having seeped from her veins, into the surface of her skin just at the beds of her nails. How anyone could equate death to sleeping he would never understand, would always hate._

_Severus drew in a shuddering breath, his body quivering with the intake. It was like breathing in shards of glass. Each crystal sliver imbedding itself in his throat. Every time he tried to speak, to move, to breath, they would slice him even further. Reminding him of what he’d lost._

_An ugly sob escaped him. The kind that drew attention. The inhuman cries that bounced off the walls, filling his ears to the point that he wasn’t sure they were his. He rocked her body in his arms. Face contorted in an unimaginable pain._

_Slices of pain surrounded him, burrowing into his skin and cutting off all circulation. His lungs were frozen, the oxygen feeding his agony. He closed his eyes in a whimper, squeezing them past the tears that were staining his cheeks as he clutched her. He rocked; her body supported in her arms as he willed her back to life. “I love you…I love you…” His voice was little more than a murmur, rasped in the night._

Xxxx

The stone was rough beneath his flesh, the only barrier between it and Severus that of his own blood. Flickering light danced off the pool of scarlet as the torches lining the walls threatened to snuff out entirely.

The edges of the puddle grew blurry, almost indistinguishable from the black of the stone mingled with the darkness of the room. He wasn’t sure if it was from the dim lighting or the blood loss growing deadlier by the second. He just wanted to close his eyes, to give into the exhaustion threatening to overtake him.

The last few hours swam dizzyingly in his brain. The curses, the vulgarity, the slashes they had made across his flesh, spilling the life-giving fluid to the floor. The warm, sticky liquid coated his skin still, biting back at the cold that threatened to settle inside him. He exhaled, emptying his lungs fully and casting ripples across what should have been inside of him. He couldn’t find a desire to care.

His eyelids felt heavy, so heavy. They drifted close of their own accord before Severus was able to force them open again, if only for a moment. Each time he fought against it it became harder to stay awake, conscious, _alive._

The fingers of his left hand clenched against the ground, the final fight leaving his body. His eyes focused on the bloody fingers, if only slightly, remembering where the rawness of his skin had come from. His wand had been taken, leaving only a physical fight. He was going to lose, he knew it. The Dark Lord knew what he had done. He had to inflect any sliver of pain that he was capable of. He was no match against the death eaters that had attacked back.

His eyelids closed again, dragged downward by an invisible string and this time he didn’t fight it. He gave a shudder in the cold dungeon, his limbs trembling in the cold. He heard a frantic mumble, the sound of his name whispered distantly. The letters were sounded slowly, drowned out by his slipping consciousness.  There was familiarity in the voice, something about it that meant “home”.

He had seen Lily. Had held her body. It had felt so real, and now he wasn’t sure. His head throbbed and he could feel the stiffness of his hair, having dried to his scalp. It blurred together, death creeping into his veins. He could no longer tell which part of his life was real, if he was alive at all. His eyelids were heavy, dragged down in pain. Then there were hands. Warm, pressed into his back, urging him to move. Any effort he had left was snuffed out by the movement, knowing this wasn’t right. And then there was nothing.

Xxxx

 _“Severus.”_ Her voice was urgent, pained. The sound of it wavered in emotion. His eyes gazed at her unseeing, unfocused. A darker black than she had ever seen. Then they had closed completely and that scared her even more.

His thoughts had flashed across his pupils, more exposed to her than ever before and she was able to catch snapshots of it. Lord Voldemort seething, a spell erupting from his lips and from his wand, sending Severus to the floor again and again. She had torn her eyes away, unable to see more. The state he was in told her all she needed to know, the blood draining seemingly from every pore.

She had rolled him from his stomach onto his back, desperate to staunch the worst of it.

“Harry, wall.” Her voice trembled as she pointed and Harry obeyed, averting his gaze. Lily tore at the blood-soaked trousers that clothed him. Scarlet seeped from the fabric, staining her hands. She ignored the shock of it, pressing forward. There was too much. She was too late.

She undid the fastenings around his waist, tearing them down. She wiped at his skin with the hem of her sleeve, trying to see through the blood that wouldn’t stop pouring from him. The red faded, soaking into her clothing and revealing the white of bone. The gash was deep, extending down most of his shin and several inches wide.

She gripped the pair of trousers in her teeth, tearing a long strip of pantleg off from it. With shaking hands, she slid it beneath his thigh, wrapping it tightly around in an attempt at makeshift tourniquet. What she wouldn’t do for a blood replenishing potion, a _wand._

The flow trickled to a stop and she released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. He wasn’t out of the woods. It was unlikely he’d survive, but this was something. She wiped at the rest of him, finding scrapes that were minor in comparison. She relaxed at the sight; the blood having made it appear that the wounds were more severe.

She undid the buttons of his shirt, her hands sliding beneath the fabric and to the flesh beneath. Dark purple had already formed beneath his skin, bruises lining his abdomen. His chest rose and fell, the movement too shallow. It concerned her. Another gash had been made just above his nipple, though she was sure with a few stitches it would heal.

She cleaned him as best she could, relief settling in her chest each time a wound was revealed to be minor. The last one that concerned her was that on his head. His hair had grown matted with blood clots and she peeled at the strands, trying to see what lay beneath. She was terrified of more stark, white. A wound she couldn’t heal. If his head had an open wound, Lily knew she’d lose him for sure.

The hair was separated as gently as she could, not wanting to make anything worse. As she neared his scalp, a choke escaped her. She was unable to stop the tears from spilling over, flowing down her cheeks and dripping onto him. She covered her mouth with one hand, staring at the perfectly white _flesh_.

Lily leaned forward, her forehead resting on Severus’ chest. Her shoulders shook with sobs as she clutched him tightly. “Don’t leave me.” She begged; her voice hushed for only him to hear. She lifted her head, placing a kiss to his unreciprocating lips before grabbing the clothing she had removed from him. She did her best to cover him, to provide him any privacy.

“Harry, come here, I need your help.” She heard the scramble of trainers from where Harry had been seated, the quick footsteps across the solid ground as he approached. “He’s gone into shock. We need to warm him if there’s any chance of survival.” Lily laid beside Severus, her arm draped across him and her body weight pressing into him. She was careful to avoid the damaged leg and instructed Harry to do the same.

Harry crouched in hesitation, sending a glance at the clear dark mark upon Severus’ arm before back up at his mum. Lily shook her head, a frown deepening. Now wasn’t the time for explanations, if she could even find one simple enough. An expression of hesitation formed on Harry’s face, his forehead wrinkling as his eyebrows came together. Still, he laid on the cold ground, copying his mother’s form.

The three of them lay in huddled silence, words of pleading, of bargaining echoing in Lily’s mind. She didn’t know how much time had passed in the almost pitch-black room, but they laid there for what felt like hours. She met Harry’s eyes more than once, trying to send him a smile that was meant to be reassuring, to say all the words that were impossible for her to form.

She tried not to let her mind drift to Selvan, to where he was. He wasn’t here, that was a good thing. That likely meant he was alive. Dumbledore had taken him, she was sure of it, but still the possibilities lingered in his mind. What if he’d been unable to escape the flame that had engulfed them? What if he had been taken, held elsewhere? But then, why was Severus here and not their child? It didn’t make sense.

Instead, she envisioned the boy across from a fireplace, huddled beneath a blanket as Remus comforted him, told him everything would be okay. And she hoped it would. That the four of them would be a proper family, that they’d make it out of this alive.

Severus’ appearance told her otherwise. His skin far too pale, much too cold. She could hear the muffled thump of his heart within his chest, signaling that he was alive, but for how long? During their time there, he didn’t move, and she questioned what her ears told her, the rise of his chest as his lungs filled with air, never quite sure that what was happening was real.

Xxxx

Selvan had watched him leave the office so long ago that he began to wonder if he was ever coming back. He had fallen apart in the loneliness as the door slammed behind Severus. He had heard the click of the latch, the unmistakable sound of a locking charm.

He questioned the contorted look of pain, of surprise that Severus had quickly tried to hide, as if some grand idea had just occurred to him. Though Selvan couldn’t hold it any longer, that he was happy to finally allow his sorrow to come to the surface and tears to flow, the solitude was crushing. It was far too quiet. He was terrified.

The castle was gigantic and from what he had seen, he was utterly, completely, alone. What if the Death Eaters came back? What if they decided to take him after all? He’d have no way to fight. In as much preparation as he could muster, Selvan had curled inside a plush armchair that was facing the door, his back to a wall. It gave him the advantage of seeing anyone coming, should that be a possibility. Even if he couldn’t do anything about it.

Pythia had curled into his lap, purring as if this was a day’s normal events. He stroked her silken fur absentmindedly, jumping at every snap of embers or creak of the dungeon. His nerves were destroyed, everything having set him on edge. And he remained that way, the second hand of a far away clock ticking away the time as his eyes scanned every surface, every personal belonging.

His eyes grew tired, the events of the day having exhausted him in reasons far more than energy. A gentle hoot sounded from behind a closed door, stirring something within him. It was something to focus on.

 _“There’s an owl, in there.”_ The deep voice reverberated inside his skull and he shifted. Pythia jumped to the ground at the movement, giving a hiss of protest as she sauntered away. Selvan’s feet met the ground, a sudden realization filling him. That voice. He had known it was familiar. He scrambled from his seat, taking hesitant steps toward the door that Severus had indicated.

His hand fell on the brass handle and he turned it in hesitation, unsure of what he would find. His eyes landed on the owl, her ruddy color. The feathers on her forehead came up, her interest piqued. Her pale green eyes met his, her black beak cracking open. Another gentle hoot sounded and Selvan couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips. “Freyja _”._

_“You don’t mind if I watch, do you?... It’s always quite interesting to watch a boy get his first wand.”_

His hair had been red, cropped short. The black hair that dangled just above his shoulders was a stark difference, but the black eyes were the same, the voice.

He remembered his Mum’s behavior that day. Her hurried glances around the alley, the distraction when they’d run into “Louis”. They were the same man, Selvan was sure of it, but why did that matter? The excuse that it was an old classmate was flimsy now that he had collected the pieces. There was something else there.

He ignored the owl, turning his back on her and facing the rest of the room. His eyes fell on the drawers, on the possibilities of what he might find. He began tugging them open one at a time. Glass vials rattled inside one, some filled with various colors of liquids and others completely empty. Others still he found just clothes. He rummaged through a small stack of books at the bedside table, his hands falling on one that he recognized.

The binding was worn and cracked; the cover flaked. He ran a finger along the black cauldron on front, reading aloud. “Advanced Potion Making.” Selvan flipped it open, staring at the yellow pages within. He skimmed them, page by page, reading every addition that had been made, every note of text. Some he assumed were spells, but none that he recognized. He made his way through the pages, pausing on the only near blank one so far.

In the corner was written only a couple simple words “Tonight?” The word had been written in the same spidery handwriting, nearly impossible to make out. Beneath it he recognized the cursive that belonged to his mother. “Yes.”

The book was dropped with a thud, falling carelessly to the floor as his search became more frantic. He moved to the main area of the flat, the desk the only other option he could find. He opened the top most drawer, finding a picture of himself laying at the very top. Of him and Harry. 

He remembered when this was taken. It had been just before Harry’s first year of Hogwarts. His mum had insisted on the photo of the two of them and they had both accepted begrudgingly, their brotherly embrace ending as soon as it was snapped. Why did Severus have it? How?

He continued through the desk, throwing the contents out, looking for anything that might give him an answer. Gone was the careful search, trying not to disturb what he had touched. He had turned frantic, looking for any clue of this man that he hadn’t even known exited. When he found nothing, he slumped on the floor in defeat.

Pythia approached him again, running the length of her body across his. He turned towards her, his hand resting on her fur. His eyes lifted with a sigh, staring at the bookcase as he pet the cat. Few of the titles he had heard of, most were entirely new to him. He wondered if any more of them would be filled with text, but there was such a vast number of them, he couldn’t be sure.

His eyes read rows and rows of book titles, everything from fairytales to books about necromancy and blood magic. It was quite the collection and he had nowhere to begin. As his gaze reached the bottom row, Selvan found something crammed in beside “Moste Potente Potions”. There was no title, not even a spine. Instead, it appeared to be a box.

He crawled the short distance toward it, pulling it from its location and slowly removing the lid. It was crammed with slips of paper, of notes with no meaning for him. He read the first couple, questions about meeting at a lake, beneath a tree, equations were scrawled on some and drawings on others. There were no signatures to tell him who they had come from, only the writing of before. The messy, quickly written words beside the curvy ones. Severus and his mum.

As he reached the last of the notes, he found something else. Hidden beneath all the scraps of parchment were photographs. Vibrant, waist length red hair, a broad smile, his mum. She was alone in most of them, happier than he had ever seen. In others she was accompanied by a black haired, brooding boy, not unalike the man he had met that evening. He slumped again, grasping one of them in his fingers, his mouth gaped open.

When this search had first started, he had expected to find embarrassing secrets if he found anything at all, not a treasure trove of Severus’ past. He certainly hadn’t expected to find his Mum mixed in with everything. Slowly, the pieces began to fall into place.

Xxxx

She thought he felt warmer, though she couldn’t be sure. In all this time he hadn’t stirred, hadn’t moved a muscle, hadn’t made a sound. She’d met her son’s eyes all the while, unable to answer the questions she could still see inside them. Lily was thankful he had kept them to herself. She wasn’t sure she could bare answering them now.

Severus’ bleeding had stopped, though the puddle he laid in soaked all three of them. Their clothing plastered to their skin with his dried blood. His pale flesh was covered with bloody handprints – hers. Fingerprints had been left across his face where she had clutched him, begging him to come back, to wake up. Lily wanted to wipe them away, to return him to the person he once was, to take back the entire night.

She heard an unmistakable creak – breaking her from her thoughts – the sound of the door that lead to the outside world, the one she, Harry, and even Severus had been brought through. She glanced up, meeting nothing but a silver, skull like mask and she knew what she had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, alright, put down your pitchforks. No, no, the fire isn't necessary either.


	30. Old Friends

Morning sunlight filtered in through the lake water, shining through a tiny dungeon window. Green light was cast over the objects that filled the room, dying everything the sickly hue of algae. It made Selvan even more impossibly homesick. Gone was the view of green moors, dotted with the occasional splash of color from flowers that had pushed their way to life amongst the grass.

Now, he had the simple view of dirty water in which the occasional tentacle would float by. It made him realize even more just what he was missing, as if the water had flowed in through the window and drown him.

He was all alone, having spent the whole night by himself in the unfamiliar surroundings. The only things he could cling to were Pythia and Freyja and it was far from enough. His throat was raw and dry from the sobs that had escaped him all night long. He wasn’t sure he had anything left.

The excruciating pain of what he had lost mingled with the confusion of what he’d found, a numb kind of agony blossoming within him. His mind was a whirlwind with question about what any of it could mean and without a single person to ask.

Selvan sat straight on the emerald colored couch, an ache low in his back. He had cuddled in on himself all night long beneath a hole riddle blanket. Everything else was much too personal and he felt like an intruder. The personal affects he had dove into signaled that maybe, perhaps he was.

There was no way out of here. Severus had offered him Freyja and then promptly locked him in this place. It didn’t make any sense.

“House elf.” He called into the empty space, his voice cracking. He waited impatiently for the familiar sound of apparition, his nerves on fire from the trauma he had been through. When no sound came, his shoulders slumped and disappointment grew in him. Was Severus ever coming back? Was Dumbledore?

He didn’t understand why Severus had left him alone in the first place or the panicked look that had crossed his eyes before he darted from the room with little more than a glance. He hadn’t even given an explanation of where he was going or when he would be back, the distraction on his face clear. Selvan just wanted his Uncle Remus, to be free of this place. Why he hadn’t been put in the care of the wolf, a man he knew and trusted, he didn’t understand. Was that why Dumbledore had been so cross? Had he not wanted to place Selvan here? Had Severus not wanted that?

“I need a house elf” He forced again, pleading for one to appear. Still, nothing came. “P-please.” He stammered, his voice hushed and interrupted with tears he thought were gone. “Somebody help me.”

His face fell into his hands, what little resolve he had left crumbling to nothingness in the silence. Hidden beneath his sniffles and choking sobs, a house elf appeared, bursting into life before him.

“Master?” The creature croaked, looking at Selvan with great confusion. He lifted his head at the noise, not fully believing that someone – _anyone ­­–_ was here. Standing in front of him was a frail house elf, sagging skin hanging from its face. The tears came more forcefully, these ones of relief at some other living form in front of him. “Master?” The elf asked again.

Selvan’s words crashed into one another, afraid that if he said nothing, the elf would leave. “I need to…I need…to get out of here.” He pleaded with the large, pale green eyes in front of him. “I’m all alone.”

The house elf looked around them, into the quarters that they occupied as if confirming the truth. No doubt wondering why he was here in the first place if Severus wasn’t. She rung her hands, voice squeaking out of her small frame. “I don’t know if I can help you.”

“Find Remus Lupin, Dumbledore, Severus, _anyone._ Just get me out of here.”

The house elf blinked, watching him a minute more before shrinking in on herself, disappearing with a pop.

Xxxx

The smell of long-ago dried iron filled the air, the masked man staring back at her. Lily met the man’s cold gray eyes, visible just beneath the shadow of the mask, strands of blonde hair dangling over his shoulder. Her lips trembled with a question she was too afraid to ask, too afraid to receive the answer she knew would come.

“Lucius.” She forced, staring up at him with soft eyes. “He’s your friend. After everything he’s done for you, you can’t just…can’t just let him _die.”_

Lucius didn’t move, didn’t give any indication that he had heard. If he had made any reaction at all, the mask concealed it. Lily hung her head, staring back at Severus, unmoving, life draining from his features. She could feel Lucius’ eyes on her, but couldn’t find the words to ask for the affirmation she needed. “What can I do to convince Voldemort to let us go?”

Lucius still said nothing, instead turning and taking any hope he may have provided, any punishment he had come to inflict with him.

She’d seen Lord Voldemort up close only once before that night. Had watched his uncaring, red eyes taunt her being. She had seen him kill the man she loved, and now he was about to do it again. He would kill Severus, the one she should have loved all along.

When her throat had calmed enough that she could speak, her eyes fixated on Harry. “If the time comes that you may escape, _run._ Don’t look back, don’t try to save us. Just get yourself out of here.”

Harry shook his head no, liquid welling in his eyes. What she was about to say would be hard for anyone to hear, let alone this boy that had only just left childhood, but the choice had been taken from him long ago. She had never told him about the prophecy, never told him why they had been hunted to begin with and Harry had never asked. It was the only life he had ever known, and he never assumed that it might be unusual.

Lily’s eyes fell from his face, unable to watch the destruction she was going to cause. Sentences she never should have had to say, but he needed to know. “Only you can defeat him.” Her words were hushed not only from emotion, but to prevent any eavesdropping that might occur beyond the steel door that held them. “You are our last hope in this war. If he takes you, then everything we’ve done will have been for nothing.” It was a big burden to lay at his feet, one far too heavy for his small shoulders to carry.

She expected him to protest, to fight back at her words, to wail. But, it was silent. She risked him a glance and he gave her a single nod; his eyes having hardened. “I will.”

Xxxx

Remus ran his fingers through the rough, white hair of the crup, lifting a treat to its mouth with his other hand. He smiled softly at the animal when an apparition sounded. He turned towards it in confusion, Lily the only possibility in his mind. They had destroyed what little friendship had remained after James’ death with a relationship, only mustering enough friendliness for each other out of obligation for her children. For Harry and the one she had bore to Snivellus. It was one of his largest regrets, loving her when he knew it was an affection she could never fully return.

“A boy needs you, sir.” The voice was small, pitched high by its species.

“A boy?” Two very similar faces floated into his mind. It was no doubt a Potter, only which one?

“I do not know a name, sir.”

He straightened from his stooped position with a final pat on Romulus’ head. The animal glowered at him in response. He scanned the House Elf’s appearance, the cloth that was clipped over one shoulder only. It was white, free of stains, and in the upper corner was an embroidered H. She had come from Hogwarts.

“Take me too him.” His voice was rough with concern and he held his fingers out to the elf who gripped them with an impressive strength. Instead of the yank behind his bellybutton he had long ago grown accustomed to, a sharp tingling began in his peripheral nerves, as if they may rupture. The view around him swam dizzyingly, the colors of objects blurring together as he was sucked backward, the apparition unlike any other he had had before.

His feet hit the ground again, the floor writhing beneath him and he toppled from the sensation, bile creeping up his throat. “What was that?” He spat from the floor, when he was sure he could breathe again without spewing.

“Apparition through magical barriers is highly unpleasant.”

“You’re telling me.” The words were muttered more to himself than anyone else.

A slender pair of arms shot themselves around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. He placed his hand on top of the boy’s, listening to the squalling behind him. He looked up, finding himself in a room he had never been.

Remus swiveled, his face meeting the red and puffy one of Selvan and he pulled the distraught boy into his lap. He ran his fingers through the boy’s black locks, such as he had done with his crup moments ago. “What happened?” He mumbled as soothingly as he could muster, fear at what this could mean settling in his stomach like food poisoning.

“Mum and Harry…they’re gone.”

Xxxx

Exhaustion settled in her bones and she fought to stay awake, her arm still wrapped around Severus though he had warmed some time ago.

“Who is he?” Harry asked in hopeful curiosity. She told herself it was a distraction from their situation, and it was an explanation she could be happy with. A smile quivered on her lips at she thought about just _what_ Severus was. That was an explanation that could take hours.

“Severus Snape.” She answered finally, going with the simple truth. She heard an exhale of frustration and her eyes met Harry’s. His eyebrows had come in and he practically glared at her.

“His name was in the paper.”

The photograph of the crumbled, triangular building swam in her mind, the article from when he had been freed. “Yes, yes he was.”

“Then why are we…” Harry gestured to the prone man before him.

Before Lily could answer there was a barely audible squeak. Her head snapped to look at the door, hoping that it was Lucius. A shorter, stockier death eater stood in his place and her stomach plummeted.

“Up.” He insisted and they obeyed. His toneless voice worried her. There was nothing she could draw from, no way to determine what would happen now. The man drew his wand and the strong instinct of protecting Harry washed over her. She pulled the boy behind her as the wand was waved. A stretcher was conjured, and a second spell lifted Severus onto it.

Her mouth opened, a question forming on her lips that she was too afraid to ask. She felt her tongue spring to the top of her mouth, gluing itself against her palate, silencing her. A huff of exasperation was heard behind her and she knew that somehow, the death eater had cast it on Harry as well.

She glanced at him, instantly worried that some other malicious spell had been cast without her knowledge and found a bewildered pair of unharmed eyes staring back at her.

“Come.”

The word, muttered the same way as before, captured her attention and she obeyed. Severus floated on ahead of her, dragged forward by the invisible string of a spell. She shifted Harry in front of her so that she may fall behind, protecting him from the back as the line of four traipsed from the room.

They stepped into the hall and she nearly tripped over a set of legs that were sprawled out across the stone. Her eyes followed the man’s body, ending on a head that lolled to the side. The man who she guessed had been guarding them, slumped and unconscious.

They shuffled along the corridor and she expected something to go wrong all the while. They turned, winding around other rooms in a never-ending maze when a gruff voice dripping with anger was heard up ahead.

“ _Hey!_ What are you doin–“

The death eater that guided them formed his reply in the form of a spell. A grunt of pain sounded, followed by a thud. The man that had accosted them falling against a nearby wall. Still, they continued forward. She stole a glance at the man as they passed, his position like that of the first, both knocked unconscious, potentially dead.

With one final turn, they reached a dead end. The only thing left was a single door. The death eater propped it open and warm, summer air spilled inside. A hand was clasped over her mouth, her eyes stinging with tears at the prospect of freedom before them. The death eater ushered them out and they obeyed, stepping onto muggle laid sidewalk.

His arm was lifted, his finger pointing forward toward an alley only feet away. “Disapparation ward ends there.” His other hand dug into his robes and he pulled out two achingly familiar wands and passed them to her.

She gripped the willow wand tightly in her hand, wondering for a moment if she should do something to the man beside her. Freedom lingered only feet away, but the possibility of an ambush, that this man could turn on them was still great. He may have dangled the potential of getting out of there in front of her, but it could be snatched away at any moment.

“ _Go._ ” He urged. “You haven’t much time.”

She nodded her head robotically, forgoing her previous idea. Lily cast a levitation spell on the stretcher that held Severus just as the man’s spell holding him ended. She gripped Harry’s hand tightly, the two of them running forward, Severus pulled along with them.

Heart pounding in her ears, they reached the space the death eater had indicated. “Hold on to me.” She commanded to Harry, pulling her hand from his and slipping it inside of Severus’. Harry obeyed, clinging to the fabric of her robes and she disapparated, the thought of Remus in her mind.


	31. Long Roads

Lily collapsed on top of him, fear draining from her system. They were safe. They were finally safe. She allowed herself only a second to clutch at him, a second more to embrace her still whole son. They were free from Voldemort's hold, but there was still a long road ahead of them.

She'd heard nothing when she landed here, inside of Remus' home and she wondered distantly where he was. She dragged her wand through the air, casting a barely corporeal falcon. Selvan would be unable to reply, no wand or even the ability to help him, but he would know.  _We're safe. We're at Remus'._

She turned her back, not watching the falcon fly through an open window and towards it's intended receiver. She gave the quick command to Harry to stay with Severus, to watch him, as she hurried off. With quick footsteps down the short hallway, she found herself in Remus' bathroom.

Vials filled with varying colors were pulled hastily from the bathroom cabinet. Lily clutched each one dearly, lest they shatter on the tile floor and lose all usefulness. She drained the cabinet of its resources. Remus would understand. She carried each of them back towards the still conjured stretcher.

Rummaging through the bottles in her hands, she removed one filled with a red liquid, popping its cork. Her hand snaked beneath his neck, propping his head upwards as she tipped the contents of the blood replenishing potion into his mouth. Lily rubbed at the skin of his throat willing him to swallow and he did.

She held her breath as she watched, color slowly beginning to seep back into his skin. He had always been pale, genetics and a lack of sun, but in the events of the night, he had turned almost gray. The pink hues that colored him now were stark in contrast to how he'd been.

She clutched at his hand, rubbing the skin of his knuckles when she noticed movement. A twitch in his fingers, a flicker behind his lids. Her chin quavered in anticipation, everything else in the world shut out.

His eyelids lifted and pools of obsidian, of volcanic rock, of the night sky stared back at her, unfocused.

Xxxx

"Hey, you." Her voice was a whisper as she stared at him. Her features were fuzzy, his mind addled with confusion. Somewhere in the night a box of cotton had been shoved into his brain. Then there was the pain.

An inhuman howl escaped him, his body filled with unending anguish. It was the equivalent to being doused in petrol and set alight. It burned and he writhed, unable to stop the jerking movements that came over him, that only made the pain worse. He floated above himself, watching it happen with a distant connection, feeling as though he was literally falling apart. The thought relaxed him slightly, for if death chose to come from him, it would mean an ending to this existence.

The corners of his eyes stung, tears freeing themselves from him. Then there was glass, cold and pressed to his lips, the taste of rotten blueberries poured down his throat, fingers running through his hair, and a familiar hum edging him into sleep as the potion took hold.

"I'll fix you…" The words of promise faded into nothing as blackness settled in once again.

Xxxx

" _Mum!"_ The anxious voice stole back her attention and she turned to it, emotion clawing at her throat for the dozenth time that night. She staggered back at the forcefulness of Selvan's hug and she returned it eagerly.

"You're okay, you're okay." She chanted to herself. She hadn't given the boy much thought during their time apart. It was too painful to wonder what had happened to him and she was afraid she may never know.

Ignoring the boy's weight – for he was much too old to be carried – she lifted him, her arm going beneath his knees as he cried into her shoulder.

"What happened?" Remus' voice was rough, filled with anger or concern she wasn't sure.

"There was a fire…and…and…Severus…" She turned toward him again. "He needs help."

Remus approached him, glancing over Severus' hastily covered body. He still looked so bad, blood and wounds coating nearly every inch of him. "He needs to go to the hospital." The words were firm, leaving little room for argument.

Lily shook her head vehemently, returning Selvan to the ground. "He can't. Voldemort will find us. They'll expect it."

" _What happened?"_ Each consonant was gruff, sounded out and she seethed under the idea that she had brought this on herself.

"I'll tell you everything, I promise." She glanced at the children beside her. "But, right now I can't. I need your help."

Remus' lips flattened, barely suppressing a frown, but he inclined his head. "They need sleep."

Lily agreed, plucking two bottles from the stash she had collected, the thought already having occurred her to her. She passed them to Harry, pulling him away from the others so only he could hear her words. "I owe you so much, I know that, but right now there are more important things."

"Mum, you don't need to explain, not yet." He glanced momentarily over her shoulder and she smiled in relief.

"I want the two of you to wash up. You're covered in blood and him in ash. Give one of those to your brother and wait for him to fall asleep, it should only take a moment. When you're ready, I want you to take the other."

"What is it?" He stared at the dark liquid sloshing inside the vial as he tilted it.

"Sleeping draught." She'd avoided using it in the past when they couldn't sleep and imagined Harry was unaware of its effects. "Dreamless sleep."

He gave a nod of understanding before stepping away from her. She heard him call his brother's name and the two of them disappeared down the hallway, making themselves at home.

Xxxx

Warm water dripped from the rag as she dabbed at Severus' face. It had once been white, but as she scrubbed it had gradually turned a sickening shade of reddish brown. Lily hummed all the while, a tune Remus didn't recognize and he didn't ask.

He didn't know how he had ended up here, helping her fix her  _lover._  She'd been silent all the while, avoiding his questions as they worked. He thought at first it may be for the boys' sake, in case one of them drew close, but eventually their noise faded. The shower had long ago turned off, the door to where he had conjured a pair of cots had closed and silence had settled along with their sleep.

Lily's hands were stained a similar shade of scarlet, blood he believed had once belonged to Severus. He was afraid how beat up she may be, doubting she had avoided any harm herself. A light scratch beneath her right eye betrayed that.

"Lily." He began, his voice a low murmur in his throat. He had healed some of Severus' minor abrasions, having long ago developed the skill from having to heal his own, but others were more worrisome. "Let me have a look at you.

"I'm fine." She gave a fake lilt of laughter, waving away his concerns and turning her attention back to Severus.

"I just want to be sure." He jerked his head in the direction of Severus. "He's stable, and while I imagine you are too, it wouldn't hurt to check." She paused, her little song coming to an end. He took hold of the little seed of doubt he had planted, hoping to nurture it into more. "We don't want to lose you because we were trying too hard to save him."

"Alright,  _alright._ " She assented, her disappointment palpable. She dropped her bloody rag, ending her cleaning and turning to face Remus.

He approached her, tucking a frenzied strand of red behind her ear. "Shower. I can't see what's beneath until you're clean."

Her lips gave a twitch of disproval, but she nodded, knowing he was right. The stool scraped along the floor and with a lingering touch she left the two men, disappearing down the hall.

Remus waited until he heard the door to the bathroom shut, the unmistakable sound of water running from the shower head. Even then he was hesitant to speak, but he did so nonetheless. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into, Sniv…" He cleared his throat. It really was a habit he should have dropped by now. "Severus."

He resumed the cleaning that Lily had abandoned, using a scourgify on the blood soaked rag and dipping it in fresh, warm water. The handprints across Severus' abdomen, his chest, were unmistakably Lily's and Remus sighed. "You're a lucky man…Not for  _this_  obviously, but for her."

He had never been to compete with Lily's love for the other man. It was so great that it radiated off her now just as much as it had when they were young. He never understood how James was able to worm his way inside her heart, to turn such a love into one directed at him. Remus had been unable to do the same.

He loved her little boys as if they were his own, but he doubted he could say such a thing anymore. They hadn't been little in some time now. It pained to see Severus in Selvan's features, some of his indignant personality shining through despite the two never having met. Although, he surmised that wasn't true anymore either.

Selvan had told him of the resounding boom that had awoken him, the fire that turned the walls around him to ash, his frantic escape just to find that he was alone. He had told Remus of the fight he had witnessed between Dumbledore and Severus, though he'd been unable to hear any meaningful part of it, and how the Headmaster had brought him to Hogwarts.

The puzzle had slowly put itself together, Remus' surroundings in the castle making familiar sense. This had been Severus' chance to know his son and he had leaped on it without any thought for the repercussions, as usual.

Remus was anxious to hear Lily's side of the story, of where they had been, how they had gotten there, and most importantly,  _how they escaped._

He hadn't regretted leaving the Order in the more than decade that had passed. He'd found himself bewildered by Lily's continued involvement, the root of many of their tiffs. But, now, things were different. If only he had known, he could have been there. He could have saved Selvan a night of pain if nothing else. A night of discovery. Remus didn't want to be around when Severus learned of what Selvan had found, though it was his own damn fault.

" _Remus."_ The soft voice drifted down the hallway through the door to the bathroom and he stood. His rag was deposited once more as he made his way towards her. He gave a gentle knock on the door, signaling that he was there and she instructed him to come in. Remus did as he was told, turning the knob in hesitation and entering.

Her red hair, darkened by the water hung over one shoulder, water dripping to the floor below. An extra large towel was wrapped around her, the only thing keeping her covered. "I need your help." She muttered in almost embarrassment and he sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that night. Her eyes were puffy, large circles hanging beneath them and he realized perhaps for the first time that she had been through hell that night too.

She lifted her leg, resting her foot on the toilet. The edge of the towel fell, revealing a nasty burn along her thigh. "You were always better at healing magic than me."

His chest lifted with a chortle despite himself, despite the situation. "That's all?"

"That's the only one I need you to fix, yes. The others will heal."

He drew his wand from his robes, resting the tip on the broken skin. "I don't understand." He began, between a series of low hums, the chant of a spell. "How are you – and Harry for that matter – so completely unharmed?"

"Our punishment was saved. Voldemort 'promised' us he would inflict it later. We were promptly locked below as he 'dealt with a more important task'." She shook her head. "It was Severus, I know it was. He was thrown in with us sometime later."

"An oversight on his part."

"Yes, yes it was."

Remus straightened, hesitant to meet her eyes. "I believe I've healed most of him. There will likely be scars in some areas, I'm not as skilled as a healer, but we have a problem."

"His leg?" Her voice was hushed, having reached the same conclusion as he.

"Well, yes, but that's not what I meant. His mark."

Her eyes darkened in horror, a thought that hadn't occurred to her. "What do you suggest?"

"We wake him."

Xxxx

He felt sleep being pulled from his system, the grogginess slipping from him. A groan of pain bubbled from his lips before he had control. It lessened in the time that had passed. How long had it been? Hours? Days? Deep ache lingered in his soul instead, a reminder that he wasn't yet in the clear.

He blinked his eyes open, bleary from the intensity of the potion he had accepted eagerly before. Lily swam into his vision again, as blurry as earlier, but her nonetheless. He couldn't believe it was her, she was really there, and that wicked dream he'd had of her death was just that: a dream.

"Voldemort's going to be furious." The understatement of a life time. "I'm afraid he'll try to do something through your mark." Lily bit her lip, betraying the nervousness she tried so hard to hide.

Although he'd so recently come to a similar conclusion, he hadn't expected action to be taken so soon. It was time to begin what he had already planned and although he hated that Lily had to do it, he was more than thankful he wouldn't have to be awake for the process.

He searched for his voice, his tongue dried inside his parched mouth. "I know what we have to do."


	32. Beyond Control

“He can’t be serious.” Remus’ voice was meek, a shadow of what it had been minutes ago. Lily turned toward him, his face had blanched, and his eyes were dull. She didn’t like what they had to do, but it was better than what she had expected. She was afraid it wasn’t possible, and in reality, that could still be the case. They may be doing all of this for nothing.

“What else do you suggest? Chopping his arm off entirely?” Her voice was sharp, commanding a ferocity she didn’t truly have. She herself felt as if she might be sick. “You can have this.” She pointed to the mark. “Or that.” She finished, this time gesturing to the wound on his leg that had long ago surpassed the ability to be healed.

“There’s really no other option?”

The tone of his voice was something Lily couldn’t understand, layered with years of their past and perhaps things she wasn’t aware of. It was hushed, his eyes having hardened over his thoughts. She wanted to ask him, to shake him out of the pain that had come over him so suddenly. Maybe she was asking him too much this time.

Lily laid her fingers on his arm, what was a few seconds more? Severus wasn’t the only one who needed her tonight. Remus turned to look her, his mouth cracking open ever so slightly before vexation crossed his features. “You promised me answers.”

She nodded, resigned to the fact as she removed her tender touch, standing beside Severus’ arm instead. She didn’t want to say a word about it, didn’t want to relieve the terror that had occurred only hours before. She didn’t want to repeat it to Severus. When would that even be? Hours from now? Weeks? Had his mind been affected by the curses Lord Voldemort had cast?

She drew her wand, murmuring the incantation as she did so. A layer of translucent skin lifted itself from his arm, curling as if it was little more than tissue paper. A wave of nausea blossomed inside of her at the sight, the blood _she_ had caused to trickle down his arm.

“I didn’t get home until midnight.” She avoided Remus’ eyes, knowing the expression of contempt he would hold and focusing instead on her task. “It seems like they – whoever they were – were waiting. The blaze started shortly after.”

Shades of devastating yellow danced in her vision, the orange of flame creeping up the walls of her home before she even had time to react. Her lungs constricted, a reaction both then and now to the smoke she had inhaled. Her voice trembled and what she could muster came out rough “I rushed to the boy’s room, to get them out…” She remembered the tight grip that had fluttered across her arm, the rough nails carving at her flesh and spilling her blood. She rubbed the spot absentmindedly. Bruises had already formed, deep purple lines of fingerprints across her bicep. “Someone was waiting in the shadows. He took us before I could even think about fighting back. Selvan’s eyes had exploded with fear. It was the last thing she was able to set her sight on as her vision blurred – the death eater spiriting them away.

His skin continued to peel, little by little, taking a shade of the dark mark each time. Lily distanced herself from the act, paying only enough attention to prevent further harm. Instead, Memories of her and Harry taking over instead. It was a terrible compromise.

_Voldemort paced in front of them, his bare feet making quiet shuffles across the ground. Lily had been fixated on his abalone colored skin, the dirty and yellow nails that protruded from his toes. She couldn’t meet the eyes that she had gazed into so long ago, already having begged for her life once before. She heard the shuffle of his robes, the removal of his wand._

_“Shall we make the boy watch?” Voldemort stepped toward her, the tip of his wand going beneath her chin, forcing her head upwards. She tried to remain stoic, to not show him the shattering pain happening throughout her. A smile had glistened in his eyes, his pointed and yellow teeth peering from beneath his lips. And then it faded. Anger morphing in its place._

_Thoughts of Severus had filled her mind, swirling dizzyingly in her mind. Moments she had forgot even existed. And then Voldemort straightened, his attention going elsewhere. “Take them to the dungeon.” The command had been sharp, cutting through the tension like a knife. Lily was jerked upward at the words, pulled along yet again. As her and Harry were dragged from the room, she heard another shout of indignation. “We have someone else to take care of.”_

A hand gripped her shoulder, giving it a gentle shake. “Lily?”

She blinked away the unfocused look that had settled in her eyes, meeting the green ones of Remus. She hadn’t realized she had trailed off. He cleared his throat, looking away from her and directing the conversation elsewhere.

“The dittany, it isn’t working. It’s been too long.”

Lily sighed, her shoulders slumping as she collapsed in on herself. It was what she’d been afraid of. She nodded her head towards her own work, a chuckle of surprise escaping her. “I’m shaving him like a pencil.”

Remus was silent beside her a moment more before his deep rumble of laughter mingled with hers. He drew her into a side hug, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and she gave in, leaning into him. “There’s one thing I don’t understand.” He began sometime later. “How did you escape?”

She frowned. “I don’t entirely understand it myself.” She relayed the entire thing, how Lucius had been there for some inexplicable reason, not giving them anything meaningful before disappearing. The appearance of the second death eater, one who hadn’t met her eye like the first and who held a whisper of familiarity about him. How he had led them through the maze. “It doesn’t make sense.” She finished finally.

“ _Lily!”_ Anger writhed in his vocal cords, coming out as a shout of urgency. She turned to look at him, wounded by his response when he gripped her by the shoulders, turning her so that she faced Severus once more.

His blood, once a brilliant red, now burned black. It had grown thick, forming into a type of sludge and pulsating inside of his arm. The edges of his skin that touched it growing dark, crisp, burnt. Lily scrambled, lifting her wand from where it had been deposited beside him.

Spells escaped her lips, each more impervious than the last. The being wouldn’t levitate, wouldn’t vanish, wouldn’t heal. With each attempt it grew angrier, creeping from it’s contained area beneath what little dark mark remained. His veins became visible beneath his skin as blackness flooded through them. Lily knew that this wasn’t a call. It was a punishment. Voldemort knew they were gone. She froze as Severus’ body began to writhe beside her, spasms of seizures coming over him.

Remus shoved her aside, his own wand raised. Before she could question his attempt, a shout of “ _Sectum Sempra!”_ Escaped his lips.

Xxxx

There was no red, no green to beckon him back, no parted lips smiling above him, no relief filled eyes. He had dreamt of her all the while, of jasmine kissing her skin, of their moments of innocence, and others that were not so. She had been the last thing to swim into his vision before he departed. Death so close that he couldn’t even bring himself to care. The only things on his mind that of escape, of an end to the agony, and red. The one only Lily could posses.

Instead, he was met by dishwater brown, green that verged on yellow. He groaned before the thought to stop it could form. His mind was addled, the confusion greater than before. And everything was numb, a quality he should have been thankful for, given the alternative.

“Lils?” Severus rasped in hopefulness, each letter a burden for him to form.

“You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid.” The tone of his voice indicated that Remus was just as happy about this situation as he.

“Is she…how is she?”

Remus gave a lazy shrug of his shoulders. “Fine, sleeping.”

“And the boys?”

“That’s…a bit more complicated. They’re alive, yes.”

Severus relaxed. This hadn’t all been for nothing. He focused on the breath heaving in and out of his body, knowing consciousness would last only a few minutes.

“You don’t have questions?”

“On the contrary, I have many.” Such as why the wolf was hanging over him, why he was here at all. “But, they can wait.”

“You don’t want to know about the mark?”

 _The mark?_ He wondered why that would be a question at all, his mind too far gone to process it. Then the visage of Voldemort swam into his vision, laughing and raising his wand. He remembered the cruciatus striking again and again, mingled with spells he’d never known existed. He remembered blacking out, colliding with the hard floor. And now he was _here._

Severus bolted upright and his vision swam, his world blurring. Colors blended with one another and he felt sick. The taste of yesterday’s meal burning the back of his throat and seconds later, his lap. A sigh of exasperation sounded beside him, and the vomit was vanished. A mumble came from Remus, too quiet for Severus to catch anything he said, but Severus was incapable of caring. His head sagged and he moved his arms away from his sides, aiming to dig his palms into his eyes. When only one met his face, he opened his eyes.

 _You don’t want to know about the mark?_ The mark was gone, yes, but so was everything else below his elbow. He stared at it – or where it should be – unable to evoke any emotion besides astonishment. Then there were arms, enveloping him from behind. The familiar body pressed into him in an attempt to comfort. Severus leaned back into the touch. The last that remained of him giving way. Her hand rubbed across his forehead before combing through his strands of hair.

He tipped his head back, meeting the bleary eyes that hadn’t yet blinked away sleep, the hair that was mussed on one side more than another. He didn’t know when Remus had left, when Lily had taken his place. Severus had no sense of time, his world distorted by the night that had passed. The tingle of memory came back to him, the instruction he had provided to destroy the mark. This wasn’t it.

He wasn’t sure what it was. Anger? Heartbreak? Disappointment? Only that his head ached, and he felt increasingly dizzy. He was ready to let sleep crash over him again, to escape. But, he had to know. “What happened?”

“I did…I did what you said. I was almost done. He…he…nothing worked. It was too late.” The expression on her face hurt him, as if she expected him to lash out, to blame her. It was one he hadn’t seen in years. He concentrated on wiping away whatever face he had made. This wasn’t her fault. In his heart, he knew that, but his mind was having a harder time coming to terms with it. He no longer had control.

“We very nearly lost your leg, too. Remus…I don’t know where he learned it all. You’ll probably have a nasty scar–“

“But, I have three limbs instead of two.” He tried to force a humor into his words that he didn’t feel. In truth, it devastated him. He couldn’t be happy that the mark was gone, that perhaps he’d been granted a little bit of freedom. There was still so much to do, to learn. A Dark Lord to destroy.

“Sev, he no longer has control.” She ran her thumb along his cheek, forcing him to meet her eyes before she kissed him deeply, slowly. The gesture lingered before she rested her forehead against his and spoke again. “We’re safe. We’ll get through the rest of it.”

“Mum?” Came a voice, little more than a squeak, and they froze.


	33. Explanations

Lily gave a sigh of tired exasperation, her head dropping to Severus’ shoulder. The mildew scent of the dungeon they had been kept in clung to his clothes. She wanted to wash it all away, to rid herself of the experience the four of them had gone through. But, it would never be enough.

There was never a reprieve with him. Each time the light of happiness lay on the horizon, the sun would set, leaving them once again in darkness. Each time she thought the two of them had a chance, something or _someone_ would come along and take it from them. And she was tired, so tired of living a lie, of hiding this life from everyone she knew.

She was ready for a life of honesty, normality. She had dreamed of getting married as a child, of her happily ever after. She had looked up to the marriage between her parents with astonishment, hoping a love like it laid in her future. But, perhaps her vision had been obscured by childhood want, by parents hiding their true selves, because it seemed now that love was never that easy.

It hadn’t even been like this with James. Everyone knew their love story, many of the wizarding world having been to their wedding even. Even with Voldemort hunting them down, they had never had to hide their devotion for one another. In many ways, it had been easier then, but they were so young, their marriage so short. And now, her green-eyed boy stared up at her with a wondering she hadn’t been prepared to answer. This was her first moment alone with Severus since the attack, and she just wanted to know that he was okay, to touch him and reassure herself that he was really there.

“What is it?” she asked after a beat, an unintended waspishness to her voice. “Why are you awake?” She added, softer this time, and forcing a smile she felt would crack her cheeks. Lily separated herself from Severus, sitting beside him instead of practically on top of him. Her fingers laced with his, there was no denying it now, not after what Selvan had walked in on or what Harry had seen that night.

“Is it true?” He asked, his voice of quiet surprise, what she felt might be disappointment. He took a seat in what had once been a plush arm chair, but was now faded and thin. He hugged his knees to his chest, not meeting her eyes. “It’s not Remus?” His question was only an octave above silence, and it took a moment for the words to register.

She had never discussed who his father was. They had talked _about_ him over the years, Lily had answered what questions she could, but this was one he had never asked, and she hadn’t dared to tell. The assumption was obvious, now that she looked at it. Remus had always been there, had always looked after the boys like his own. Perhaps even thought of them as such. There was an undeniable love he had for them, but she had never thought of it as fatherly. Of course, neither Harry nor Selvan knew what that was like. “No, it’s not Remus.”

She glanced at Severus, the fading in his eyes obvious, the pallid tint of his skin betraying the resolve he tried to force.

“And you.” There was a sudden spark of anger in Selvan’s eyes as he turned to Severus that almost made her laugh. The two of them were more alike than either of them realized. “You were Louis. _Why?_ ”

 _Louis._ She’d been afraid that would come back to bite them, but Severus had insisted on it, even if it meant putting himself in danger with his master. It wasn’t entirely out of the realm of reason. She supposed she would have done the same had she been in his place, hadn’t known her own child. But, it was hard to have clarity when you questioned everything.

“Yes, I was.” It was Severus that answered. His voice giving a tremble of illness, of trauma, as he threatened to fade away again. Lily was surprised he remained upright and felt the urge to force him to lay down. He would never listen, and so, she didn’t.

“Why?”

“I had to see you.”

Lily watched the exchange with interest. It was their first real interaction and she hadn’t known what to expect. The snapshots of him as a professor were all she had with him and children this age. She hoped the harshness wouldn’t carry over.

“Why now? Why not…”

“All along?” Severus finished for him. He glanced at Lily, begging for the answer she didn’t have. What _did_ they tell him? Because he was imprisoned for murder? Because he never even knew? “I would have…” He paused, the words that followed difficult for him to say. They always were.

“Sel.” Lily interrupted. “Let’s let him rest.”

Selvan’s jaw hardened, his gaze dropping to the floor, but he nodded, standing. His shoulders slumped forward, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his pajamas, looking every bit like a miniature Severus.

“And you.” Lily whispered, turning to Severus so only he could hear. “You rest.” She ran fingers through the greasy strands of hair that hung around his face. “We'll figure it all out later.” She pressed her lips to his, warm and soft. It didn’t matter anymore. Selvan knew. If she could be thankful for anything, it was that they no longer had to hide. Still, it was quick, knowing that Selvan was there watching with what was likely disgust

She followed the boy from the room, the two of them silent as they walked down the hall of Remus’ home. They passed his sleeping form huddled beneath a blanket on the too small couch and she instantly felt guilty. She owed him so much. At that thought, she gripped Selvan’s shoulder, steering him towards the door. Lily was capable of giving at least one person answers.

Xxxx

The two of them stepped into the warm breeze of a July afternoon, sun filtering through the trees surrounding Remus’ home. The forest shadowed them as they stepped beneath the foliage, losing themselves in the darkness. This place was well protected, perhaps by Remus’ loneliness more than anything else.

With Selvan behind her, she shuffled through the foliage, past the moss-covered rocks. The only sound that of birds flitting in and out of the trees, calling to each other. Explaining, perhaps. She took a breath of the fresh air, sweetened by the plants around her. “I’ve known Sev…” Her voice trailed off, what did she call him? Severus? Your dad? It was conversation she hadn’t planned on facing yet. Hadn’t yet gone over in her head. Part of her had wondered if they would ever get this chance. “We knew each other as kids.”

She stared at the burning curiosity in the emerald eyes she loved so much. He didn’t try to interrupt her pauses and for that she was grateful. She needed time to select her words. Lily brushed leaf litter off a rock, sitting down and he beside her. “He changed. He did things that for a while I hated him for. And then he was back, different than I’d ever known him, and we… He made stupid mistakes. Azkaban wasn’t necessary. He was punishing himself enough.”

“He’s a death eater.” Selvan’s voice was filled with quiet disappointment, as if Severus didn’t match up to the father he had imagined for years.

“Was, a long time ago.”

“Why? Why him?” The question came out as a defiant whine that almost made her laugh despite the hidden cruelty of the words. Severus had spent little time with the boy and yet, Selvan had decided he already didn’t like him.

“That's how love works. You don't always have to agree with what they do, but you love them all the same.” She placed her hand on his knobby, 11-year-old knee. He had yet to grow into his gangly body, reminding her of Severus all the while. This was the age she had known him and so much of his personality, his looks, his very being shone through Selvan’s eyes. The green that was perhaps the only different thing about him. “Give him time.”

He was quiet beside her, the gears in his mind turning for some excuse, some way out of this that he wouldn’t be granted. Not yet, not unless it was warranted. He turned towards her, the fire of wondering back in his eyes. “Tell me about him.”

Xxxx

Mentally, he felt numb. After everything he had fought against, the lies he had made, the lives he had ended. In many ways, this was retribution. Payback he felt hadn’t fully been served in Azkaban. He was disappointed, yes. An amputation had not been part of his plan, but here they were. They lived in a world where nearly anything was possible. It shouldn’t be too hard to fabricate a replacement. Anything had to be better than the pirate leg Mad Eye had been given.

Physically, he felt his strength returning. The magic within the potions healed him substantially quicker than muggle methods would have. His nose twitched with a snarl at the thought that he’d have to thank the wolf. No matter the blood between them, or the reasoning behind why Lupin had done it, he _had_ saved Severus’ life.

The pain was miniscule, a tingling reminder that something was wrong, but it wasn’t outright agony. That, too, was the work of the potions. Severus hoped that when things fully healed, when the magical stitches finally dissolved, the pain would go with it.

“Severus, that’s what she called you.”

He propped himself up on his good arm, his remaining arm, to look at the defiant voice. The thirteen-year-old who thought he deserved to know the world. Inviting himself in and without question, Harry plopped at the bottom of the bed on which Severus rested.

“Something tells me you’re more than just a Potions master.” His eyes fell on the empty space that had once contained an arm. “And a death eater.”

“These questions are meant for your mother.”

Harry shook his head. “She won’t tell me. I’m not stupid, I know Selvan and I don’t share dads, but she seems to insist otherwise.”

Severus was silent, feeling as though a trip wire was on every side of him. The slightest denial, any wrong word, would trip him up. He let the boy lead the conversation. He’d experienced such tactics before and had long ago learned the rules they followed.

“He has your nose.” Harry touched his own, as if Severus had never heard such a word before. “And your chin.”

“Hardly enough qualities for someone to qualify as a father.”

“No, it’s more than that.” With the way his brow furrowed, his glasses hanging on the tip of his nose, and his hair mussed about, Severus had the distinct impression of James when they were younger. “I’ve heard your name.”

“Oh?” This was news he was genuinely curious about. He had assumed that once he was gone Lily had said nothing more of him to anyone. He had been clouded by the thought that he had been forgotten. He should have realized long ago that that would never be the case.

“Her and Gran used to fight a lot when I was younger. I don’t remember the specifics…” He shook his head as if willing the memories back into his brain. “I saw the way she looked at you tonight, the fear in her eyes when she thought you were going to die. Her voice was desperate, begging me to help…I haven’t seen that before.” He fell into silence and Severus followed; the words would come on their own. If he prodded too far, he may push the boy away. Instead, he let Harry work through his thoughts, watched as his chest rose and fell with each breath. “Why?”

The defiance was gone, replaced by hurt and misunderstanding, his childlike age shining through. Severus didn’t have an answer. The ‘why’ could apply to so many things and he dreaded providing the wrong answer, giving incorrect information that Harry should know. He was new at this parenting business.

“Harry.” The voice was gruff, not Severus’, round and full of exhaustion. The two of them looked at Remus, watched the flick of his head as he gestured for Harry to leave.

“We were just getting somewhere.” Severus grumbled when the two of them were alone. He ran a hand along his forehead, attempting to wipe away his frustration.

“Shame.”

Severus glared. “What do you want, Lupin?”

“Need I remind you that you’re in _my_ home?” His hands slid into the pockets of his worn trousers and he hovered over the still reclined Severus. “In my bed, nonetheless.”

“It was never my intention, I assure you. We’re leaving today. The castle will be safest. It had been the plan all along, only not to enact it so soon.”

“You’ll protect them this time?”

“You seem to be forgetting that they’re _my_ family, not yours.” Severus’ throat tightened in anger. It seemed to be only arguments here, explanations.

“They were very nearly mine.” The fierceness was gone, replaced for a split second but tender regret. Severus’ eyes narrowed, watching the man carefully. When he said nothing, Remus spoke again. “She didn’t tell you, did she?” When Severus didn’t respond, Remus sighed, his shoulders dropping.

He rubbed at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, inadvertently drawing attention to the bags beneath his eyes, the exhaustion that sleep couldn’t cure. “You and James weren’t the only ones that fancied her. Seems I was the only one without a chance. After you…we were together for a while. I helped her raise the boys, but it was more than that. There was love, I’d like to think. I proposed, but she…like I said.” He shrugged. “I never had a chance…You aren’t the only one that loves her, them. Make sure you don’t waste it this time.”

Remus stood from his slumped position, shaking his head at his own demise and turning to leave. “Whatever mess you get yourself into next, I hope it’s worth it.”

“Remus.” His voice came out sharp, forced up by breath he didn’t have. Remus turned to look at him, no longer the boy that had stood beside and watched, the prefect that had done nothing, the wolf that almost killed him. Remus had raised his kids in his absence, had done it without question. Even if it had all been done for Lily, Severus owed him perhaps more than he realized. They wouldn’t be getting rid of him any time soon. Maybe it was time to let go of old grudges. He opened his mouth to say thank you, to attempt to form the words, when a third voice caught his attention.

_Are you safe?_

He turned towards it in surprised fascination, spotting a peacock in the form of a patronus speaking with the drawl of Lucius Malfoy. Before Severus could say anything more, Remus was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m really quite lazy at responding to my reviews. I’ve been trying to get better at it, but in case I’ve missed anyone recently, just know I’m extremely thankful for the continued support you guys give me. Hope this answered some of your question and you enjoyed a bit of a happier chapter.
> 
> Wow, so I added up my WIPS. I have 17, 5 of which have been posted. Most of them are for Harry Potter and Snilys. So, you guys have an idea of what is coming shortly!


	34. Path to the Light

Severus Snape had been in their lives for all of thirteen hours. First, in the dungeon the three of them had been held, and now, here, in the castle where they were to be a family. In those hours, Harry had seen a conglomerate of emotions flicker behind his Mum’s eyes. Fear had been the most prominent, at least to him. The gray cloud had hung over her eyes, the storm raging within.  Harry had seen it, even despite the shadows of the room they had been forced into. Beside the fear had lived devastation, the rain that fell from her eyes, wetting her cheeks and dripping slowly onto Snape’s chest who lay prone beneath them. But, it wasn’t just those two things. There had been a warmth there as well, shining through the darkness. An emotion that at first, he hadn’t understood. But, in the hours that passed, their escape, their time with Remus, that had been the one thing that remained: the warmth.

He felt stupid now. He should have known what it was from the beginning, especially when the relief blossomed inside it like a flower in the spring. Harry saw the way now that she clung to him, her arm wrapped desperately around Snape’s as the four of them had disapparated, how the warmth in her eyes seemed to grow more intense when she looked up at him, and perhaps, worst of all, that the same thing was hidden behind the endless black of Snape’s own eyes.

Harry had slammed the door to what would be his room as soon as they arrived here. It was impersonal – not his – like everything else. Snape had muttered an incantation at their arrival, his wand pressed to the tip of the door. What lay behind it changing shape, morphing to accommodate the four of them.

Harry hadn’t been here before, wasn’t able to notice the changes, but Selvan, apparently, had. According to him, what held one door, one bedroom, now held three. Three rooms, three beds…four people. He felt sick, like he hadn’t known his Mum at all. She had lived this entire life without either of them knowing. But, according to her, Harry _had_ known, once upon a time. According to her, he had spent time here, alone, with “Severus”. Those months that Harry had known him felt world away, and perhaps they were. He hadn’t been old enough to remember, but now it just made him angry. It was as if his own mind had hidden all this from him as well.

He threw himself onto the bed – his bed – ignoring the green and silver blanket that covered it. Slytherin, despite the fact he was Gryffindor. He loved this place. Hogwarts had always been a home away from home, and now he felt trapped. The walls of the castle felt too high, too imposing, and he felt small beneath them, inside these empty walls. He wanted to go home – his _real_ home – that was sadly nothing more than ash. Everything he had, everything that had once belonged to his father, _gone._ In the thirteen hours that had passed, Selvan’s family had grown complete, he had found his father while Harry had lost everything that attached him to his.

Xxxx

Severus shuddered at the slamming of Harry’s door, the sound reverberating through the new interior of his quarters, although he supposed they weren’t just his anymore. He glanced at Lily; her fingers still twisted up with his. She looked after her son sympathetically, but she didn’t try to follow, didn’t pull herself away from him. “He needs space.” She whispered after a moment, perhaps feeling Severus’ questioning gaze on her. “He doesn’t understand.”

Severus looked across the room, his eyes falling on the other little boy, on how his fingers gently caressed his little owl. Freyja’s eyes were closed, and she swayed gently from side to side beneath the touch, little hoots escaping her beak from time to time. A smile was stretched across Selvan’s face while tears had nearly appeared on Harry’s. How completely different they were. He stared a moment more before finding Lily again.

So many thoughts ran through his head, spurned on unintentionally by Remus. In fact, if the man knew what Severus was thinking, it was likely he’d be furious. He couldn’t lie to himself about how painful the idea was that Remus had almost had his family, that for a while, it had been Remus holding Lily like this. _There was love, I’d like to think._

Eleven years had destroyed them there was no way Severus was letting it happen again.

He squeezed his fingers, his grip on her hand tightening. Her head turned slowly towards him, the red hair across her shoulder shifting. The look she gave him was soft, candlelight dancing across her pupils. He wanted to snog her senseless then and there, but those days were gone. Instead, he dropped his grip, lifting his hand to tuck her hair behind an ear. “I have somewhere to go.” Her brow furrowed in distress, and he understood why, but it needed to happen all the same. “I have to meet with Dumbledore, I have to –“

“Not yet.” Her green eyes pleaded with him and he was tempted to give in, to stay here forever, but it wasn’t feasible.

“He needs to know, I’ll be back, I’ll be _safe.”_ He placed his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it, and she nodded despite the welling in her eyes. He couldn’t blame her; she wasn’t the only one fearful of this trip. The Dark Lord would be looking for him and when – if – he found Severus, there was no chance of making it out alive.

“Okay.” She conceded after a minute and he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. After a glance over his shoulder, to be sure the one boy was still distracted and the other gone, he kissed her. He pushed against her roughly, afraid this may be their last. It wasn’t Dumbledore he was afraid of. It was Lucius. Severus wasn’t telling her about that part.

“I’ll be back.” He whispered before turning on his heel and striding from the flat.

His footsteps echoed down the corridor, alerting the portraits to his presence. Few hung on the dark stone of the dungeon and only those with Slytherin associations. There was one of Salazar deep within the recesses of it, barely passed by even the Slytherin students, even himself, but that’s the route he chose this time.

He followed the maze that lay inside the castle, each hallway leading to another impossibly random end or staircase. It was no wonder that students got lost here. Long ago, as a student himself, so had he. But, that was years ago, now he had them memorized.

It took several minutes before the golden scrolled frame came into view, the white bearded, emerald clad figure inside. “Salazar.” He bowed his head at the painted figure who returned the gesture.

“Haven’t seen you in some time.”

“No, I’ve had no need to come this way.”

“Using me again, are you?” The voice was cold, Salazar’s face stern, not that Severus could blame him. Yet, the portrait swung forward anyway.

“Afraid so.” He gripped the edge of the tunnel that lay just behind the portrait, pulling himself up and into it. With a stealthy jump off the ledge, Severus’ boots hit ground – dirt, this time – and it puffed up around him in the disruption he had caused. His wand sliding into his hand, blue light bursting from the tip from an unsaid incantation, the frame slammed shut once more.

He was bathed in darkness, the only light to guide him that of his own wand. He hadn’t been down this path in years, thirteen, to be exact. The last time he had travelled this path was at the Dark Lord’s downfall. The floo was typically easier, his office closer than this portrait, but home was now out of the question. The Dark Lord would be waiting should Severus be foolish enough to return. No, the meeting with Lucius had to be elsewhere.

He followed the dirt tunnel, held up by spells to prevent the walls from crumbling, from entombing someone inside. A terrifying way to die if there ever was one. He thanked Merlin yet again for the existence of magic. The light of his wand bounced off the walls, only lighting a meter in front of him at a time. He followed its winding trail, the memory of this too buried in his mind. He had taken it many times in his school days, had used it as an escape. It was one of the few secret passageways the Marauders had been aware of, and for that, he was thankful.

Minutes ticked by, the hand of his watch the only sound in the tunnel, his meeting was drawing close, and he knew Lucius wouldn’t wait much longer. Finally, he reached the end, surrounded by little more than dirt. Above him hung a trap door and he opened it.

Severus squinted against the harsh light that spilled through the small square, painful compared to the darkness that had swallowed him. He grabbed hold of the ladder beneath it, thankful it was there as he couldn’t pull himself up with one arm. He placed his feet on the rungs, gradually ascending to the world above.

“It’s about time.”

Severus looked up, blonde hair spilling over Lucius shoulders, marble eyes glistening mischievously. “Shut up and give me a hand, would you?” He gripped the stone, struggling to haul himself through the door and onto the floor of Scrivenshaft’s. Grabbing him by the back of the robes, Lucius hauled him upwards.

He slid onto the stone floor on his belly, heaving breath in and out of his system. He was surprised just how exhausted he was. It was his arm that was missing after all, not his leg. With what breath that remained, he cast a muffliato.

“That’s how you did it, then. I take it you meant a literal hand?”

“That would be nice, yes. And, no, that wasn’t my original plan.” He pushed himself upwards finally, finding it a great burden to stand. “Does the Dark Lord know you’re here?”

“My support for the Dark Lord is…wavering. Never has anyone left his side, until, I suppose, now.”

“I can’t recommend this way of going about it.” Severus leaned into the nearby wood wall; quills stacked up beside him. The tunnel led directly into the storage room of Scrivenshaft’s Quill Shop. “How did you do it?”

“It was easy.” Lucius examined the beds of his fingernails as if it really was as simple as a manicure. “I simply needed someone easily pliable, easily disposed of.”

“And? Who did you pick?”

“Peter Pettigrew.”

His veins prickled inside his skin, the ice sharp in his system. _Severus, I didn’t do it, I swear, I…I would…I would never…_ “Pettigrew?” His voice came out breathy in surprise, the oxygen having been sucked from his lungs.

“Yes. He always was a simpleton, even at Hogwarts. He didn’t even try to resist my Imperius curse. He didn’t even seem to know he was under it.”

Severus gripped the wall, suddenly feeling faint. “Does the Dark Lord know?”

“That he freed you? Yes. That I was behind it? No, and he never will.”

“I’m afraid I’ll need you to elaborate on that a bit.”

“He was furious. He sent for the three of you – for Harry – Only minutes after you had escaped. Imagine my…surprise when I should find you gone and several of our guards unconscious. Pettigrew didn’t fare well after that, as you can imagine.”

“And the patronus? How do you explain that?”

“That I am able to produce one? Couldn’t I ask the same about you? It was a chance I deemed worth taking. I never imagined that you would reply with one.”

“No repeats of Raczidian, then?”

“No.” Lucius smirked, his chest lifting as he gave a huff of laughter. “No maggots.”

Feeling energy beginning to seep back into his bones, Severus pushed off from the wall he had been leaning against, he straightened his robes with the intention of beginning his next meeting when Lucius spoke again. “Pettigrew was watching you. He was stationed at your home.”

Severus froze. He hadn’t been there often since his return, but he _had_ been there. How much had Peter seen? “What does he know?”

“I can’t be sure, but whatever it is, it was passed to the Dark Lord. Don’t leave the castle, and be sure your family doesn’t either.”

“It wasn’t our intention. The Dark Lord, does he think he succeeded? According to…to Lily, he was trying to kill me when the mark was cut off.” Her name felt funny on his lips, having never mentioned her to anyone besides Dumbledore. It was pointless to hide her now.

“Are you asking if he thinks you’re dead? Yes, but don’t prove him otherwise. And, Harry, he’s always after Harry.”

He sighed, rubbing his hand across his forehead. It wasn’t news. The Dark Lord would be after Harry until his defeat – if such a thing ever occurred – but hearing it was terrifying all the same. As long as both Harry and Lord Voldemort lived, none of them were safe.

He watched Lucius go with the promise that Lucius would keep him informed. Only when he was alone did he cast a second patronus, informing Dumbledore that he was ready for his arrival. He waited in silence, surrounded by quills and pots of ink. He likely needed more, but there was no way he could purchase them now, and Lily couldn’t be sent for such a task either. Hogwarts had felt like a prison before, but now it really was one. This was likely the last time he’d leave the school in months – if not years.

The door leading to the storage room squeaked and Severus raised his still held wand in defense, pointing it at the new comer. Seeing that it was Dumbledore, his hand dropped back to his side. Instead of meeting his eyes, he found the icy blue ones of Dumbledore staring at the empty space of where an arm had once hung. “It is done?”

“I’m afraid so. This wasn’t how I intended to go about it, but nevertheless, it’s done.”

“And Voldemort?”

“Believes he’s won.”

“We have lost our spy.” Dumbledore sighed, the defeat in his voice heavy. Severus felt an anger grow around the edges of his being, an anger because Dumbledore valued that as being more important. “Not necessarily.” He informed the headmaster of Lucius, of the conversation they had had, of his allegiance, of Peter, of Sirius. The information crashed over the headmaster like a wave, drowning him in possibilities of the time to come. Minutes after Severus’ words had ended, Dumbledore stood speechless across from him.

“Severus, early this morning I was informed of a missing prisoner at Azkaban. We assumed it was in connection with the fire that occurred at the Evans-Potter home, but now…”

“Sirius? He escaped?” A bubbling began in his stomach of a hopefulness that surprised him. Somewhere along the line, perhaps it was the ever-persistent pestering, he had begun to feel something other than hatred for Sirius.

“He remains unaccounted for, yes, but we don’t yet know where he is. Is Lily aware of the truth regarding her friends?

“Of Sirius’ framing, and Peter’s betrayal, yes.”

“Good. I expect he’ll head towards the castle, to contact her or Harry…or you.”

“We best be prepared when he does. The Dark Lord will be expecting as much when he hears.”

“For more than that.” Dumbledore nodded, his eyes twinkling with a mischief Severus hadn’t seen in sometime. “Your assigned auror will be meeting with you soon, one Nymphadora Tonks.”

“The Dark Lord thinks I’m dead. It would be easy to pass that lie amongst the rest of the wizarding world. Is she truly necessary?”

“I’m afraid so. You won’t remain ‘dead’ forever. We need to be prepared for when you return fully to our world.”

Severus sighed, his head dipping downward, his curtain of hair swinging into place as he rubbed at his forehead yet again. He was tired, so very tired. “I can’t do this.”

Dumbledore was silent and Severus almost glanced up, almost checked to see what expression had crossed his face when his brogue broke the tension. “With what, may I ask?”

“I can’t teach, not when I don’t exist, not when I’m one handed.”

A chuckle escaped the old man that surprised him, causing Severus to jerk his head upwards and discover just what was so funny. “Both problems are easily solved.”

An eyebrow crept towards his hairline, seeing no logical explanation for either problem. Dumbledore raised his wand, thin and flat, the decorations on it simple, and pointed it towards Severus. Red light burst from the tip, connecting with the flesh of Severus’ arm.

He felt a tingling, a growth and watched as his skin stretched, forming into a forearm, a wrist.

“It binds with the skin that’s already there, forming a replacement. It isn’t a perfect copy, and I imagine you’ll have some pain, but it’s a great deal better than what you had before.”

Severus stared at the new limb in wonder, the untainted flesh. It had been fifteen years since he last saw his arm, unmarked by Voldemort’s brand. “How? Where?”

“This isn’t the first war I’ve been apart of.” His eyes grew dark, the twinkling replaced by shadows. “And you certainly aren’t the first casualty.”

He rubbed at the skin of his arm next, taken aback by how perfect it seemed, how lifelike. It was as if he’d never lost his arm at all. This was too easy, too simple of a fix. It had to be too good to be true. “And the other problem?” He asked, distracting himself.

“I seem to recall you weren’t the only potions genius. Given that Lily has worked extensively with potions in your absence, and that she can no longer return to her job at St. Mungo’s, it seems fitting that she should be your replacement.”

Severus stood in silence at the new information. He had thought little of the potion they had begun together, and now Dumbledore was telling him that she had worked with potions all this time. It made him uncomfortable to realize just how much they still didn’t know about each other. “I’ll talk to her.” He responded finally, running his new fingers through his hair, feeling the slick grease run along his skin. “I’ll be in touch.”

 

 


	35. A Proposition

Silver rays of moonlight filtered in through the dungeon's portholes by the time Severus returned. The green water of the black lake splashed up against the glass with the movement of the giant squid. The flat he shared with his family was quiet, each of them having disappeared into their respective rooms. It was no longer a place he recognized; it had improved exponentially.

His footsteps were quiet as he stepped across the cool stone in his boots, shuffling past the green rug that encompassed most of the floor. He paused, his hand on the door that lead to his bedroom – his shared bedroom. He paused at the thought, shivers running through him. No longer was he alone.

He turned, his eyes landing first on the door through which Harry had previously disappeared, the boy completely different than when Severus had known him. He walked towards it before freezing in his place in front of it, unsure if his presence would be welcome before determining it was not and moving on to the next. On this door, he knocked.

The rustle of fabric moving against the skin of a body filtered through the door before a voice, soft and unsure called for him to come in. He did as he was told. In the soft light put off from the lamp in the corner, Severus could just make out Selvan curled beneath the covers.

He leaned into the stone archway of the door, his arms folded, and trying hard not to think about that fact. "Are you…are you okay here?" He heard his deep voice, wavering with hesitancy seeping into the room around them, swallowing them whole before diverging into silence. Selvan nodded, seeming unable to form words and a blanket of tense silence weighed down on them again.

"You're better." A finger escaped the cocoon of blankets, gesturing to the arm that hadn't been there when Severus had left. He flexed his fingers, rubbing them against each other and registering that there was no feeling.

"I'm whole." He corrected, wondering vaguely how true those words were. He stepped farther into the room, his hand scratching the space between Pythia's ears. She stretched across the bed at his touch, her claws taking hold of the bedding. "I had a question."

Selvan nodded again, his eyes widening, and Severus took in the depths of green that the boy shared with his brother and his Mum. "Come with me, I need Harry's input as well."

The boy's movements were slow as he slid from the confines of his bed. He was clad in red and blue stripes and Severus wondered if his everyday clothes had been transfigured, for otherwise Selvan had nothing. But, he held his tongue. He was surprised – not for the first time – about how little he knew of the child that held his DNA.

The two of them traipsed from the room and to Harry's. The knock he gave was one of hesitancy, He wasn't sure if Harry would accept him.

Xxxx

Severus' own room smelled of jasmine when he entered it, the scent of Lily permeated everything that he owned. It was a welcome change. He could only see the soft glint of her eyes beneath the yellow incandescence of candlelight. "I wasn't sure how long you'd be gone." Her voice was quiet, muffled by exhaustion.

Stripping, Severus fell into bed beside her, pulling her close. He wrapped an arm around her, and she buried herself into the confines of his chest, sighing against him. Her warm breath fluttered across his skin, relaxation filling her as she curled her fingers inside of the hair that crossed his chest. Just when he thought she would drift off, she jerked backwards. "Something is different." Her eyes scanned him, and he lifted his left arm to draw her back in.

"Dumbledore." Was his only explanation. The only one she truly needed.

"That man." She sighed in exasperation, leaning back into him.

Severus ran his fingers through her hair, the strands slipping in between the webs of his hand. He had no desire to break this moment, to interject it with questions he didn't want to ask, explanations he had to give, but there was no other option. "He has a proposition for you."

He explained what had happened with Lucius, ignoring the looks of indignation he received for the lack of information he had provided beforehand. "It was Pettigrew." He said finally. "That was the man you spoke of.

The glimmer of her eyes grew distant and he knew she had fallen back into her memories of their escape, was comparing him with the man she had known before. She shook her head, a soft "no" escaping her lips.

"Yes, Sirius was right all along." His lip curled. Those were words he had never believed; never thought he would say. That brought him to the next situation, Sirius' escape. He himself wasn't sure how he felt about that factor, about the man making his way in their direction. Part of him wanted to recoil, a decade old hatred flooding him, but another was intrigued, curious how Sirius had done it, curious what else Severus didn't know. He knew Lily would want to keep the dog in her life, a decision that wasn't up to Severus, and one he would have to deal with. He grit his teeth at the thought.

"I'm confused." She said finally, the silence between them shattering like glass, falling to the floor around them. "What does this have to do with a proposition?" She said nothing about Sirius, those thoughts instead were kept close to her heart. He didn't press her for them, positive he didn't want to know what they were anyway.

"He's offering you a job, my job." He saw the dawning of information in her eyes as he handed her the last piece of the puzzle, the information of before clicking together. "You can't return to St. Mungo's." A brow crept up his forehead, edging near his hairline with unsaid questions and her face fell as she was no longer eager to look at him.

"After you were sentenced…I found the research you had done before hand, on the potion. Of the ingredients you had written down, the notes about what may work best." Her voice came out robotic, as if she couldn't allow her emotion to tie itself to her words. "I studied them for years. I made prototypes, I tested it. I did everything I could." Her voice caught at the final word, the pain of before floating to the surface, a lake finally procuring the body it had been hiding all along. "I killed her, Severus." Her voice had grown so soft that at first he wasn't sure he had heard her correctly

"Alice?" He asked with a wince, unsure how to further the conversation otherwise. Lily's head shifted against him, a nod replacing the words she couldn't say. "She was worse than Frank, and with her parents gone…Augusta and I determined she was best to test it on, only it didn't go as it was supposed to. I preformed spells to make sure it was okay. We started with small doses at first, allowing her body to get use to the ingredients. She was showing improvement, recognition…" Her voice drifted off again, hot tears of guilt dropping onto Severus' exposed skin. She wiped at them roughly, trying to rid herself of perhaps more than just tears. "She seized on the final dose. We didn't get her back."

And the silence was back. It pressed in on them both, neither sure just what else to say. He understood her guilt, far more than he would have liked or should have understood. He couldn't tell her it'd be fine. He knew that saying it wasn't her fault would bring her no comfort. Instead, he went with something else entirely. "You've asked question about my support towards the Dark Lord, and I have never answered them. I was recruited due to my propensity to brew potions, my ability to create spells. That had been my only job at first. We lost a fighter almost a year after my recruitment and someone needed to take their place. I was chosen." His vision failed him, his mind going back to the night in question, to the box home on the edge of the neighborhood. The Davies. "It was a muggle family. The Dark Lord chose them for no particular reason other than their birth right. They had done nothing to him. They didn't even know he existed until the torture began. They were my first murder."

Lily shifted against him again, her eyes glistening with tears as she watched him speak. This time it was him who couldn't meet her eyes, him whose mind had apparated back to a time years before. "I never cast a fatal spell. I tried to cast as little of the torture as possible, but it was a spell I created that ultimately ended their lives. It was the little girl that did it, that ensured I no longer wanted to be a death eater. I never even knew her name." The image of her haunted him, it had since the night it occurred. Her brown eyes had grown cold, the color of dirt beneath a field of snow, her blonde hair spread about her. She'd stared up at him, her limbs twisted unnaturally around her. Her lips seemed to say "look what you've done to me", but they never would. She was no older than five, a whole life ahead of her to live, and he had taken it from her.

"Is that what earned you the mark?" Lily traced the skin of his left arm, her touched dulled by static in the new growth. He shook his head.

"That was you. The prophecy is what secured my position within his ranks. By that time, I was already looking for a way out." The palm of his hand cupped her cheek, his thumb rubbing beneath her chin. "I understand the pain when you're responsible for another person's death. At least you were trying to save her."

He saw her lip draw in between her teeth before she squeezed her eyes shut, the remain tears spilling onto him, onto the bed. She said nothing and he held her, waiting for her readiness to speak again. "I haven't returned to the potion since then. I don't want to kill Frank too. I've worked on other projects at the hospital, supply mostly. I've withered there. I'd like…I'd like to try something new."

"You accept the position?"

"I do."

Xxxx

Remus arrived by floo network the next morning. The tired lines that ran along his face, the weariness in his eyes, betrayed his lack of desire to be there. Lily wondered just how the man remained standing some days, this being one of them. "Are you sure this is okay?" She asked as the three of them stood inside what she supposed was now  _her_ office.

Remus nodded, giving a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I'll always be here for the boys." He looked at Severus and the two of them passed a hardened look of something she hadn't been apart of. Given her history with both of them, she could have easily guessed, but chose not to. She refrained from intertwining Severus' fingers with hers, unwilling to cause Remus any more pain. He was led to their flat, given the unlocking spell, and then the two of them – Lily and Severus – prepared for their journey.

Standing inside the flat, Remus and the boys around them, Severus removed a coin from his pocket. With a tap of his wand, it shimmered blue momentarily. The portkey charm activating. Lily grabbed hold of the other half as the glowing stopped and the room began to whirl around them. Colors blended together, the black of the room morphing to white, the silence of the dungeons filled by the rumble of cars, and then it settled. She swayed on the concrete beneath her feet, getting her bearings once again. The swimming of her brain stopped, and her vision cleared, the view around her settling into place.

She recognized the alley, the kaleidoscope of buildings around her, tan, white, and red. It was Charing Cross road, a place she'd been many times before. She looked at Severus, at the black hair that had shortened and turned blonde, at the nose that had shrunk, and the hazel eyes that hid the black. It was unsettling, standing beside a man she knew and loved, but didn't recognize.

They stepped together onto the walkway, blending in with the muggle world as Severus slipped the coin back into his pocket. They needed so much, and this was the place to find it all with the wizarding world being hidden amongst the muggle.

"What first?" Came his voice, the only thing that had remained unchanged. She felt the center of herself give way at the sound.

"Clothes. It's the most important."

That was their day. Stepping in and out of shops, the bags on the arms collecting, the money in their pockets dwindling. Severus tried, and for that she was thankful. She hated for the pained looks that crossed his face when he guessed wrong about what Harry or Selvan may like. He tried to hide it, but she had become so good at recognizing his expressions, his looks, that it was as easy as reading a book. He would have hated the comparison.

There was a terrifying freedom about being here. It was dangerous, knowing the Dark Lord still looked for her, and here she was placing herself in the open where he could find her. However, she and Severus had never had a moment like this. They had never been able to spend a simple day of necessary errands together, their days instead permeated by danger, a need to hide their relationship. Even if they couldn't be themselves here, at least they were together.

But, something about Severus was off. She recognized the shine of sadness in his eyes in one store in particular. It was halfway through that trip that he disappeared. She found him amongst the shelves an hour later, just as she'd begun to panic. When she'd asked him, however, had grazed his new arm with her fingers, he flinched, rubbing at his own skin. She gave a smile of reassurance that he didn't reciprocate, and she felt the gravel of worry rumble in her stomach.

They'd gone to the book shop next. He had lost himself amongst the pages, returning as his usual self, the moodiness of him back to its normal. Knowledge had the tendency to do that to him. He turned from the book he had been reading, looking at her parcel laden hands. "I have one more stop."

They took the walk back to the alley they had come through, bumping into each other along the way. The quiet between them this time was different, one that didn't need interrupting, that wasn't burdened with secrets and pain as the night before them had been. They reached their stop, hidden amongst the towering buildings. He took the bags from her, shrinking them all until they no longer needed to be carried. When they were combined into one, Severus placed it in the pocket of his robes, drawing the coin of before out instead.

They found themselves just outside of the gates of Hogwarts. Severus undid the protection charms with a complex wave of his wand. Charms she was sure she'd have to learn. The black, iron gate swung forward inch by inch, allowing the two of them inside before it was closed, and the incantations of protection recast.

She followed him down the walk in curiosity, Hogwarts, home, had not been the "last stop" she had in mind. When they reached the lake, Severus turned. He sat beside it, beneath the tree that had once been theirs. She drew closer and he pulled her down, into his lap. They sat, listening to the ripples of the lake crest the shore beside them. The summer heat beat down on them, soaking through their clothes, causing her to sweat, but she had no desire to move. She leaned back, leaned against him as he separated his legs, allowing her to fall between. His arms came around her, wrapping her in the scent of him. The scent of earth, of hellebore. She took a deep breath, a sigh falling from her lips beneath the shade of such a nostalgic place.

"I'm done messing around." He said minutes later. She adjusted, looking at him, waiting for him to continue. "Too much has come between us, and I'm done letting it." He dug into the pocket of his robes, the one in which their items had been stored and procured a velvet box. "I asked the boys last night. Selvan was okay with it, Harry…came around. I want you to be mine. All three of you."

Her arms flung around him, causing him to lean backward. His hand went to the ground, supporting himself in surprise as she pressed a kiss to his lips, deep and tender. They separated, time seeming to have slowed and she leaned her forehead against his. "Yes, always yes."


	36. Close Quarters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I can't believe I'm posting this either. Four days out from what ended up as a rather major surgery and I wrote almost 3,500 words.

Remus had known Severus for 23 years and liked him for none of those. The talk that they had only a day prior had enlightened Remus to just what Severus was going to do. It came as no surprise when the painfully familiar falcon appeared in front of him in the early hours of morning. The soft glow of the Patronus glimmered around him casting its light over his surroundings. Lily's voice ever soft and sweet drifted from the bird’s beak, penetrating his heart. She was clueless, but he wasn't.

Severus was guarded, that fact had been painfully obvious for years, but today was different. Maybe Lily was right, the walls of his mind had crumbled in Azkaban, leaving him to cover up the truest parts of himself with dust. Maybe Remus himself had grown better at seeing what lay beyond or maybe Severus was too excited to truly hide what was to happen.

Severus’ eyes had sparkled like stars in the night sky, the whole galaxy available for view. As long as Remus had known him, they had been dark and dull with no hint of magic inside. Seeing him now, Remus wasn't sure how Lily had remained completely oblivious. He wondered if maybe this was the side she always got to see of him. She told Remus, told all the Marauders that there was more beneath the surface If only they dared to look, but they never had.

Behind the stone like façade Severus carried, Remus assumed that he was capable of love, of feeling for another person. It occurred to him then that maybe all these years they’d been wrong, that Lily was privy to a Severus that no one else was. Remus supposed she had done the same to him, to James, that of the three men she had been with, she knew them better than anyone else.

Severus had given him a knowing nod as he stepped away, his hand on Lily's back like she was a possession. Remus had brooded the entire time they were gone, the scene of when it had been him replaying in his mind.

Remus had taken her to a muggle establishment, both of them preferring to be live amongst people not so different from them from time to time. He was a half-blood, and her muggleborn, it wasn’t hard for them to fit in. it had happened during a time of safety, just before Voldemort solidified his return. It was on this day that they were separated from danger by only a thin veil, when it was torn back, they were exposed to the harshness of war they thought they left behind them.

It was for this reason, at first, that Remus didn’t understand the rejection. He had proposed only weeks before their world fell apart, but they had been clueless of it then. They’d been too wrapped up in the warmth they had created with one another, a permanent shield charm protecting them from the outside world.

He had fallen to one knee, had lifted up the gold ring he had selected, had proposed beneath the flicker of candlelight and too much wine. Her hands had come to her mouth in excitement, and his own heart fluttered with victory. Such a reaction couldn’t mean no. But, it did. Her hands drooped almost immediately, her eyes welling with tears and every other restaurant patron watched as she told him no, she couldn’t. That had been the end of it all, the bubble surrounding them bursting. They had gone to their separate homes that night, had slept alone in their beds, and his heart had frozen in his chest. Never had he been good enough.

He wondered why she had led him on, why after three years of intimate moments it had amounted to nothing. She’d been happy when he began to kneel, began to tell her how much he loved her, but that had crumbled quicker than he could understand. In the weeks that passed, they remained distant. With Harry at the school, there had been no need to see one another. It had been Harry that brought her back.

_“Remus!”_

_His name erupted to life in the previously quiet home. He jerked, whether he was more frightened by the sudden sound, or the meaning behind the urgency that dripped from the letters of his name, he wasn’t sure. He rushed from his study, abandoning his armchair, following the sounds of her sobs._

_“He’s...he’s got him.” She stammered, hunched in on herself as if it could suppress the pain. “Voldemort.” She began again, her voice suddenly dry from the weight of his name. “Voldemort has Harry.” Behind her, the embers of the floo flickered_

_His arms instinctively went around her, reenacting a hold he had done countless times in the last three years. He pressed her head to his chest, attempting – to no avail – to soothe her. Remus knew his own heart beat wildly inside his chest, that his limbs burned with the urgency to flee, to search, but he had nothing. “Where has he taken him?” He asked instead._

_Lily wiped at the wetness that had taken over her face, at the tears that mixed with the snot trailing from her nose. “He’s in the castle. Voldemort disguised himself as a teacher.”_

_He gripped her more tightly, preparing to apparate when she stopped him._

_“No, we can’t. We can’t just_ burst _in there. It’ll only put him in more danger.”_

_“No, but we can wait in the hospital wing.”_

The sound of fire bursting to life shook him from his thoughts. Green hues spilled into the room, taking a purple haired woman with it. “Severus Snape?” Her smile was bright as she stared at him, as if Severus had done little more than litter in the park.

It was too easy, too easy to play along, and for a moment, Remus was interested. “I’m afraid you’ve just missed him.” He stood, his body deflating with what could have been a prank. “He and his…” Remus’ voice trailed, suddenly curious if Lily _was_ his fiancé, if the world could even know they were together. “He had errands to run, I’m merely babysitting.” He motioned to the room, finding it childless.

He watched as the purple of the woman's hair grew red at the tips, the color snaking up her hair as she examined a parchment she had brought. “I don’t have here that he has kids.” Her voice came out as a mumble, a combination of confusion and surprise settling in her features.

When she looked up at him again, he felt his cheeks burn red and he cleared his throat. “It would be best to speak to him about it, I think.”

“Well, yes. That _is_ why I’m here.”

Her right hand went to her hip in exasperation while the other – parchment still clasped between her fingers – fell to her side. **“** It is Friday, isn’t it?”

“Thursday, I’m afraid.” He puckered his lips, an effort to keep a laugh from escaping him. Remus watched, expecting a blush to flutter across her cheeks, for her to make some sort of excuse.

Instead, she sighed, her hair now fully scarlet. “ _Not again._ Scrimgeour is going to be ecstatic.” She rolled her eyes, the words spoken more to herself than to him.

“Scrimgeour, you’re an auror?”

“Not for long by looks of it.” She laughed, giving a shake of her head at her own stupidity. “Tonks, yourself?” She held her hand out, silently asking for him to shake as if this was little more than a business proposal.

He took it, the name sounding strangely familiar. The Black family entered his mind, but not understanding the association, he shook it away. “Remus Lupin, and I believe you forgot a name.”

“It’s the only one you need.”

“Right…” He pointed a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to the flat behind him. “The boys are being suspiciously quiet. I should probably have a look at them. Severus knows you’re coming tomorrow?” He stepped back, expecting her to confirm his question and then depart. Instead she followed.

“Yes, at least one of us is capable of remembering the date. You’re his friend?”

The burn of laughter he’d felt grow in his chest again was extinguished by her question. “It’s more of an…obligated relationship.”

“You know him well?” Tonks ignored the fact they were standing beside a door, the chattering of children drifting through it.

It was another question he didn’t want – or know how – to answer. “I suppose, but now really isn’t the time.”

She nodded, her mouth flattening. She turned her head almost imperceptibly listening to the young voices before she spoke again. “I’ll be in touch.”

Remus found himself staring at her blue eyes as she stood only a meter in front of him. He wondered distantly if she could change the color of those as well. At his thought, her hair flooded with purple once more, any sign of red now hidden beneath it.

“A pleasure, Mr. Lupin.” She gave him a broad smile, each of her white teeth peeking though her lips before she turned, heading back to the fireplace once more.

Listening to the whoosh of flames, befuddled by the encounter that had just occurred, he pushed the door inwards just a crack. The movement had been subtle, neither of the boys noticing that it had even happened. They sat on different ends of the room, one looking so much like James and the other Severus. There was as much space between them as they could muster, and books spread about

Remus watched the two boys, regarding the distance that had grown between them seemingly in hours.  They'd been close enough in age that for many years, they'd been joined at the hip, one boy always following after the other. There was little difference between them, the greatest of all being Harry’s scar. On more than one occasion, they had been confused as twins, and rightfully so. Remus had always laughed to himself at the fact, as much as Severus and James had hated one another, they sure created similar offspring

He was certain both men would be disgusted at such a thought and wondered distantly just _how_ Severus felt about the idea. He had proffered little insight to how he felt about either child, particularly the one who wasn’t biologically his. Remus wondered if Severus hadn’t known Harry as an infant, if he would be blinded by such hatred now.

Xxxx

Lily remained where she was, in the space of Severus’ chest, his lap that seemed to have been crafted just for her. Here, beyond the castle gates, beside him, she felt the safest she had in so long.  Hogwarts had always been a sanctuary of sorts. It had been the place that she discovered who she was, had crafted herself into the witch she was today. Now, it was the place that Harry, the rest of her family, could be safe. She was out of Voldemort’s grasp.

What had happened to Harry his first year wouldn’t happen again, she was sure of it. This year brought Remus. He’d be teaching just floors above. She was grateful to have her friend here. The two of them were forever entwined. They had been there for each other when no one else could be. When all of them – James, Sirius, Severus – had been taken away, Remus was there.

In a time where she could love no one else, she had loved him, but she supposed it wasn’t enough. When Remus had proposed, she didn’t feel like she did now. Lily had been ecstatic, but it had been immediately burdened with questions, with what ifs. Here, Severus’ arms around her, all that she could feel was home.

“I think it would be best if we went inside. Relieved Lupin.”

With her head pressed to his chest, his words were deeper than usual, and time seemed to freeze around them as he spoke slowly. She sighed, removing herself. Her hair clung to his robes, no part of her wanting to leave him. She smoothed it, taking a glance at the glittering ring that now rested on her finger. She hadn’t had one there in so long and it felt heavy and unusual.

She stood from the grass, brushing away the bits that had stuck to her robes. She heard the shifting of Severus beside her as he stood, gripping the sides of her robes and drawing her near. “It wasn’t how I had planned it. Circumstances being what they are changed that.” His voice was a quiet hum near her ear, and she relaxed into him.

She felt his lips brush the crown of her head. “It wasn’t spur of the moment?”

Severus’ chest rose in a soundless laughter, a huff through his nose more than anything. “Have you ever known me to do things on a whim?”

It was true, that wasn’t how he preferred to exist. But, Lily wondered how long he had considered it, if that had been why he disappeared. “It was perfect.” She answered finally, really not needing anything else, not ever expecting even this. He was so reserved to the outside world, so unlike the other men she had known, had been with. Beneath the mask he always wore, he was sentimental, caring, even if it was only towards her. She was privy to a version of him the rest of the world didn’t get to see.

She supposed Azkaban had changed him in many ways. It had still only been weeks since his escape. She had seen few residual effects, what was visible being only physical. She’d only received small moments of time with him and she wondered now how much that would change now that they’d be living in such close quarters.

Lily knew he tried to hide from her, tried to hide the world to keep her safe, and she wondered as they walked beside the lake, back towards the Castle door, just how much she would learn about him now.

Xxxx

“You had a visitor” Remus’ gruff voice sounded the minute they’d stepped through into the dungeon that was now their home. Severus stared at the book held gently between the man’s fingers and Lily noticed the uncertainty that crossed his features.

Remus stood, replacing the book in its designated shelf amongst the other bookcases that lined the wall. Lily caught sight of the deep red cover; the white writing scrawled across it. _Dark Arts and Defiance._

Severus narrowed his eyes and she felt her own seed of worry begin to blossom, nearly every person that knew of his existence, that knew him well enough to be a welcome visitor was in this room.  “Who?” His eyes trailed from the book that Remus had been holding and onto the man’s face. Lily stood behind him, watching their encounter with apprehension, she always did. They acted like generals, but battled their wars like children. She was never able to quite trust them when they were together.

“Some auror?” Remus shrugged as if it wasn’t important. “She didn’t seem entirely…competent.”

Severus rolled his eyes in agreement, exasperation filling him. “Considering she thought we met today, I’d say so.”

“The boys?” Lily interrupted and they let her. She wasn’t sure what else the two of them would have talked about. Severus was trying with the man, she had to give him that, but it was clear that didn’t mean he liked it.

Remus gestured to the room a ways behind him. “Been holed up studying for the new year. I brought a few books of my own for them to read. I don’t think I could tear them away from Selvan if I wanted to.” His eyes jerked toward Severus’ for a split second, all of them knowing where that love for knowledge had come from. His eyes fell next to Lily’s hand. Silence spread between them, distancing any attempt at conversation. Instead, he gave a nod, turning towards the fireplace. Green enveloped him before he’d said much of a goodbye, leaving the two of them alone.

The tension turned into something else as Lily drew him close. She felt an urge to make him hers, and she suspected he felt the same. It was hard to break Selvan from his reading, it always had been. With Harry beside him, they should have time. Just enough.

She tightened her hold on his hand, pulling him backwards and he didn’t fight. He watched her as a lion hungry for his prey, ready to devour her and she was ready to let them. Gone were the days where passion began where they stood. The need for each other would have to be held down, if only temporarily.

When the door behind them had been closed, locked, and the appropriate charms for discretion cast, their hunger ignited. He kissed her so fiercely yet held her face so gently it was as if he wanted to break her, but was afraid she may be shattered completely. It was a demanding gesture that she forced back, her nails clawing at his shirt as she tried to peel it from him, tried to free the skin that was beneath so that she may run her hands, her lips, her tongue along him. May draw him into her in every sense.

She tore at the buttons that prevented this desire and they cascaded to the floor, near silent pings falling around them as the threads came lose. She forced the sleeves of the painfully necessary cloth down his arms. Mossy green light – that of the sun shining through the black lake – cascaded over him, made brighter by the paleness of his skin

Severus separated the embrace, the hurried kisses they’d been afraid to end. He bent instead, his hand starting at her calf, just below the hem of her plum colored dress. It slid slowly up her skin, a millimeter of space between them. She admired the view of him, the visible vertebrae of his spine. Even his imperfections she couldn’t help but love.

As he reached it, he squeezed her arse, a gasp of surprise falling from her lips. He placed his arm beneath her, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, leaving her feeling weightless from both the position he had created by lifting her, and mere fact of being here with him.

Like butterflies fluttering against her skin – or perhaps, in his case, moths – Lily felt him flutter around her kissing what exposed skin she had. She gave a soft, exhaling moan as she bunched the hem of her robes into her hand. She pulled back just enough to remove the garment., her bra following after. Her hair cascaded around her, the strands tickling her already sensitive shoulders. She shuddered and he pressed himself closer, mistaking the shivers for cold.

The embers of his passion danced about her, warming her soul with his. She could feel his love for her radiating off him, knowing that while their intimate moments together had never been “just sex”, they had evolved to become so much more.

She drew closer to that release, feeling a wetness pool between her legs. It didn’t take long with him. He had memorized all her sweet spots, knew all the ways to touch her to get her to this moment.  A tingle ran up her spine as his kiss wandered from her mouth. It ran down her chin, her throat, trailing as a waterfall down her being. “ _Sev...”_ She could just make out the first three letters of his name, and heard hears in return, mumbled between her breasts. Their words met each other, their breath mingling to become one just as they did.

The hold he’d had behind her neck was dropped and she felt the soft touch of the mattress beneath her next, the velvety blanket rubbing against her bare flesh. Severus removed his trousers, everything that had remained, and she her panties. They were left standing in their near perfect forms, admiring each other. A crooked smile played on his lips, as if he wasn’t sure how to form a full one, that his lips wouldn’t work that way.

He leaned forward over her, his elbows on either side, the sunlight just seeping through the gap between them. “I love you.” And then he was inside her, all around her, and it couldn’t have been more perfect.


	37. Crashing Down

“Severus.”

He heard his name, the way the letters in the middle lifted higher than the others, but he found himself incapable of watching anything other than the way her foot bounced and the way she had crossed her legs. It moved to an unheard rhythm that was much too fast for his taste. He could feel himself growing antsy each time it lifted. Part of him was annoyed that _this,_ the woman who had come on the wrong day, who had tripped the moment she stepped from the hearth, who had sat inside his _home_ without invitation despite being a stranger, was the auror he had been assigned.

“I was put under the impression that this…” She looked around the walls, her upper lip hitched in hesitation as she took in the dim lighting, the dark stone, the ever-present moisture that clung to the air. She seemed incapable of saying the word “home” or anything of the sort. Instead, she cleared her throat and glanced back at the parchment that lay across her lap. The one on which she had already scribbled some unknown note. “This, place is occupied by more than just yourself?”

“A matter that is unrelated to this conversation.” His voice was stern, unrelenting of any warmth or betrayal of what lay within. Tonks merely looked at him from beneath her eyelashes before her quill dashed across the parchment, leaving a note that was too far for him to read.

“And that man that was here yesterday, Lupin, what is his relation?” She faced him fully this time, the hazel of her eyes only just concealing the colorful depths that lay underneath.

He was silent for a moment, contemplating his answer as if it was a relationship that could be defined by a few words. Severus was left instead considering the usefulness of this answer for a second time. “Again, unimportant.”

She sighed, her frustrations of him billowing about them as her quill was laid down across her lap. The insufferable bouncing came to an end as the sole of what had once been white trainers came to the ground. She stared at him intently, a ferocity forming that he hadn’t expected. “Dumbledore has informed me of your position within Lord Voldemort’s ranks, or, lack of.” He felt her eyes land on what wasn’t fully his arm, dredging forth the crawling of his skin that had recently begun. “I am here to keep you safe and in order to do that I need to know who is aware of the situation.”

His lips flattened, not in annoyance but admiration. Instead of quaking in front of him, she faced him with exasperation, explaining the situation as if he was a child. “Very well.” He agreed, inclining his chin. “The man, Remus, He’s a friend of my…fiancé.” A wrinkle of distaste appeared on his nose as the word soured in his mouth. It wasn’t an association with Lily, but rather at conveying such intimate information to a stranger. A similar poison ate at him as the next words escaped his mouth in little more than a rasp. “She and our children reside here with me.”

A pleased smiled crossed Tonks’ face, the acknowledgement that she had won some minor battle between them. She resumed her previous position in the chair she had conjured, the bouncing of her foot returning and drawing his eyes back to it once more. “Other than Dumbledore and myself, are they the only ones aware of your existence?”

He found his thoughts wandering to Sirius, the dog he knew was approaching, that would soon unravel their current existence. Severus wondered if his own death had been published in the Prophet. He didn’t even know how many people were aware of his passing. “There’s another.” He began suddenly. “A death eater, a spy.”

“His identity?” Severus couldn’t ignore the slight narrowing of her eyes as she said so, the distrust so apparently living inside of her.

“I’m afraid I can’t disclose this one. I can’t jeopardize his position.” Lucius had saved him. He wasn’t about to risk everything the man had worked for – including his own safety.

Her quill scribbled once more across the parchment, the scratching of the tip the only sound between them. He watched her with an unparalleled feared of all his secrets being laid in the same place. It was unavoidable, but he hated it all the same.

She selected a different parchment from the stack that laid across her lap, her eyes scanning the words she had come with. “Your _escape._ ” She raised her eyebrows, the Ministry side of her career shining through. “Occurred Seventy-four days ago, on the 14th of June, correct?” Severus nodded his assent, and she continued, her attention fully on him. “Tell me about that.”

“It’s not some fairytale.” He growled at her expectation of a story. “The Prophet should provide all the information you need.”

“I thought you might say as much. You’ve been secluded.” She withdrew a yellowed square from the interior of her gray robes. With the tap of her wand, it returned to its normal size, the pages of it rustling at the movement as she handed it over.

He took it from her with an ache of wonder beginning in his stomach. The image of a dementor swarmed building was plastered across the front page of the newspaper, the number of them higher than he remembered. His eyes fell next to the article that lay beneath it.

**Prisoners Return**

_Almost nine weeks after the escape of ten highly dangerous prisoners escaped from the well patrolled confines of Azkaban, seven of them have returned. Three known death eaters remain on the loose, Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape, and Augustus Rookwood. This development comes weeks after a second breakout occurred, resulting in the disappearance of suspected death eater, Sirius Black. On Thursday, Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge spoke of the changes that have been made to prevent future attacks on the prison._

_“We remain unsure of the spells that were used to create such destruction. The walls of Azkaban were previously enchanted against spells such as ‘bombarda’ and any others that may bring result in a security breach. As our investigation into the matter continues, wards surrounding Azkaban have been strengthened and the number of which has increased along with the number of dementors surrounding the area. Our desire…”_

“They don’t know how it was done.” The space between his brows was wrinkled in consternation as he considered the words he had just read. It hadn’t occurred to him that he had remained in the dark, that his eyes hadn’t graced a newspaper in some time.

“The spells used seemed obvious at first. Even the aurors weren’t aware of the technicality of the enchantments surrounding the prison.  It really disrupted our investigation.”

“Are you saying an unauthorized spell was used?“ The uneasiness of before had boiled into full blown nausea at what she was suggesting. He fingers clenched momentarily on the arms of his chair, his nails digging into the fabric.

“Spell creation is difficult, uncommon.” She leaned forward again, her voice softer than it had been since her arrival, but the inquiry behind it clear. “My mother attended Hogwarts with you for two years.”

There was the recognition he had felt before. The shape of Tonks’ nose, her lips, she held pieces of her Mother, Andromeda Black. He was silent with her insinuation laid before them, cloaking him with the weight of his poor decisions.

“It’s possible.” He forced the words through clenched teeth finally. “The Dark Lord tasked me for spell creation, among many things.” The image of broken rock flying towards him, of the walls around him crumbling, the bright of the light shining through, it all added up to something else now. He blinked, focusing his sight on her rather than the day this had all began. “It was an explosion, meant to mimic a muggle bomb. The wand movement was difficult, the incantation even more so. The Dark Lord regarded it as a failure.”

“You believe that’s what was used?”

“I’m sure of it. It resembled bombarda in many ways which was unfavorable to the Dark Lord. I was tortured for the inadequacy.” Tortured for what would result in death eaters returning to his side – even if it was only temporary.

The scratching of her quill broke him from the memory of himself writhing across the floors, his muscles spasming beneath the spell, the cold voice that had mocked him. She seemed unsurprised as she wrote his words and part of that concerned him. She had come here with a preconceived idea about what had happened, questioning his innocence before they’d ever even met.

“We also believe there was rumors of Voldemort’s return before it occurred.”

Severus grabbed the skin of his arm roughly, the idea that the mark was no longer there escaping him. “Many of us believed he would come back. The dark mark connected us to him. His presence was there, even after his defeat.” He remembered the weight of the Dark Lord, how it remained, how the freedom he had expected at having his master gone had never came. It had felt like a chain, forever tethering him to the dark wizard. It had been thin, as though the rope had been stripped of its fibers, but it was there all the same. He remembered that evening in Dumbledore’s office, the defeat he had felt at knowing the Potters had been attacked. It had been hope that the Dark Lord was gone, and nothing else. Even when the headmaster had assured Severus that Voldemort would be back, he had known it already in the depths of himself. “Beyond that, I didn’t hear of any rumors within the walls of Azkaban.”

She puckered her lips to the side, but any opinion on the matter, any information about such rumors she held back, scribbling yet again like he was in a therapy session. “You were attacked by another prisoner, correct?”

He thought then of the hooked scar that ran along his chest. It had been too old for him to heal by the time the opportunity had come and now it stained his skin.

_The wall was uneven as his back was pressed against it, the coolness of the stone seeping through his clothes and into his bones. A man much larger than he towered over him, a rock clenched in his fist and the grimace of a smile stretched across his thick face. The din of shouts broke out around him, cheers for what was happening to him or fights of their own, Severus wasn’t sure._

_“You served him, didn’t you?” The man’s face pressed close to his, spittle flying from into between his lips to land on Severus’ flesh. He felt the tight grip on his arm suddenly, the tearing away of fabric that had concealed his mark. “You killed women, children.”_

_It was a fist he felt next, the hard bones of the man’s knuckles digging into his cheekbone, breaking it, his eye socket, the ringing of his ear from the impact. From his position tight against the wall, Severus flailed back, his own tightened fist coming up to punch in the stomach, the chest, anywhere he could reach. What could he say? That he’d only assisted in the murders? That he’d stood by while his comrades did the dirty work? Because he’d certainly never tried to stop it and that was almost worse. His arm fell limp to his side then and he stopped fighting. He barely registered the sharp point that was dragged across his chest or the scarlet of his blood as it poured down his skin. Instead, he let it happen like he had everything else._

He found the memories were flooding back, that the barriers he thought were gone had been protecting him all this time. He wanted nothing more than this interrogation to be over, even if it was for his own good.  “I was.” He answered finally; his voice almost too quiet for her to hear. He didn’t even find himself questioning how she knew. His mind could focus on little else other than the fact that his dungeon, the damp, musty walls, the spider infested corners, were too much like Azkaban. “This needs to continue another day.” His voice wavered, but it was unlike before, it had gained in strength, no matter how insignificant.

“Dumbledore suggested I provide you these.” With the clearing of his throat, he procured two bottles from a pocket of his robes, watching the misty liquid that filled them. She held her hand out, but he only tightened his grip. “If you’re an auror, then doesn’t the Ministry know I’m alive?”

“No.” She shook her head roughly, the green of her hair flopping about her face before she brushed it back. “I’m an auror, yes, but I am doing this for Dumbledore, for the Order. My department isn’t aware.”

“And the notes?” He tipped his head towards the parchment that she held, that had been tainted with the black of her ink. “What is your intention?”

“For myself only.” She assured him, and though he believed the sincerity in her eyes, she couldn’t be trusted. There were too many possibilities.

“I’d like to keep them. You can consult them here, but they don’t not leave this room.” She froze in hesitation, her brow coming downward as she studied him, his use for them. “Dumbledore’s word is the only proof that I can trust you, and frankly it isn’t enough. For the safety of my family I request this small inconvenience.”

“Very well.” She relented finally, though her expression told him otherwise. She handed him the notes she had written, and he passed the vials of memory. What he didn’t tell her was that they could only be viewed once before their quality began to diminish. “I’ll need to interview your family, and Lupin as well.”

“They’ll be informed.” He watched the bouncing of her foot come to an end for a final time as she stood, leaving him alone at last.

Xxxx

“Severus?” It was his name again, hours after Tonks had left. This time it was said with a tooth rotting sweetness mingled with curiosity as Lily stepped inside the room. “Is she gone?” Her eyes searched the room as if not believing the quiet that met her ears.

The letters of her words crashed together in his ears, making them incomprehensible. He wasn’t fully aware that she was there until her face came before his, her blazing hair obstructing his view. “Severus?” She asked again, the curiosity morphing into concern. The words were clearer than before, but unable to work through the mud that had obstructed his mind, blacking out everything else. Instead, as she fussed over him, as she asked if he was alright, all he could see was blood.


	38. Prisoner

Images of scarlet swirled about him. The metallic scent of blood filling his nostrils, drawing him back to the murders he'd been apart of. To bodies in broken form, stolen dreams, snatched lives. He cried out despite himself, the flesh of his new arm burning. He dug his fingernails into his palms. The pain of everything else masking the pain he was doing to himself.

"I can't be here." His voice forced when he felt he had recovered enough to speak. He looked at her finally, his eyes swimming with pain, ablaze with things she couldn't see. The dungeon walls closed in on him, drawing the oxygen from the room. He found himself unable to breath, memories coating his lungs. His eyes sought for the door, desperate to be free. Everything blurred together, the shadows obscuring any escape.

His sight was blocked suddenly by red, this time of hair. Severus inhaled the floral scent that clung to her. The clamp around his heart easing the tiniest bit. He heard his name whispered through the fog that clouded his mind. She gripped his face, a hand on either cheek. His sense were overwhelmed by her, the sight of her before him, the smell of her skin, the touch of his skin on hers. It served as a distraction.

"Sev, what image do you conjure for your patronus?" The sound of her panicked voice that she tried to hide made it's way to him.

He focused on her, the pain in his palms growing clearer as the memories of what he'd done dimmed. "Third year." He began, his speech tight as though his throat was constricted. "You took me to that bloody awful tea shop in Hogsmeade." The image of pink, of frills gradually took over the blood, covered the bodies. The cream painted walls eclipsed the black of Azkaban's stone. "The tea was surprisingly good."

"Tea?" Her voice had a slight lilt to it now, a lift of laughter hidden behind her words. "You think of  _tea?"_

"No." He shook his head, swallowing past the bile that had formed in his throat. "It was the first time I thought, that maybe…"

She nodded as quiet overcame him. His breathing had returned to normal, the burn in his arm little more than a tingle as he flexed it away. "Where are the boys?" He asked her, when he felt he had returned to normal. He glanced around them, afraid that they had witnessed the crashing of his barriers, the flooding of his trauma.

"They're exploring." She tipped her head in the direction of the door as if he didn't understand just where they were. "And I think it would be wise if we left the dungeons."

He looked around him again, at the walls, the ceiling that was much too similar to the ones that had held him captive. A thought he'd been able to bury until today. He accepted her help as she pulled him from the chair, he let her lead him like a child from the room and down the corridor that was no different than their quarters only after the notes of earlier had been hidden and magically sealed inside a drawer.

As they turned a corner, approaching the stairs that led to the rest of the world, the light of torches was replaced by sunlight. He drowned in the fresh warmth as it touched his skin, rays filtering through the high windows of the castle. Severus felt his chest release fully, this place being different enough. Although it was tainted with memories of other things, here, he could survive.

Lily must have noticed the change in him as her grip on his arm loosened, but still, she guided him and he let her. They gradually made their way higher, climbing the stairs as the portraits around them watched. "I would do it differently." He interrupted the silence that had cascaded around them. "If I could go back. I was a dunderhead."

"You were." She agreed, her head not turning to meet him. "But, you aren't the same person you were before, even if there are things I could never forgive."

The statement was fair. He hadn't expected her to, and the topic had never been broached since he had first told her. "Now, I'm at an advantage." He began as they reached the top of their final staircase. They passed outside the door they had snuck through so many times before, and she watched him with curiosity. "I can fight on the side of the war I want to."

"Not yet." She countered, and they both knew why, but still she smiled. Lily withdrew her wand then, aiming the tip at the lock and whispering an unlocking charm. A click sounded and she pushed it inward, revealing another small set of stairs that they took.

The two of them stood atop the astronomy tower, the summer air whipping around them. She separated herself from him finally, leaning on a wall that overlooked the Forbidden Forest. With her chin in her palm, her elbow on the edge of the wall, he recognized the contemplative look that crossed her face. Severus stood beside her, his own arms leaning on the stone, his fingers clasped together.

He watched her, waiting for her to be ready to speak the words that had crossed her mind. Waiting for her to work through whatever thought she was stuck in. He had learned long ago not to interrupt this process, not if he wanted an answer.

"Do you think it'll ever end?" She asked after minutes had passed. "He's always been untouchable."

Severus nodded, knowing the 'he' that she referred to, and she was right. The Dark Lord rarely participated in fights, always choosing to risk the lives of his fighters instead. Even if he chose to show himself, Severus doubted it would be as simple as casting an avada kedavra to kill him. He didn't know the answer, didn't know if the Dark Lord would be defeated in their life time, and he couldn't bring himself to tell her so. "I believe so." He lied, he'd never been able to tell her the truth when it involved her life. "Dumbledore knows what he's doing."

Lily rolled so that now her back was pressed against the beige stone instead. She glared at him, not quite believing his words, but she let it drop. They were both aware of the war that raged around them, and how impossible it seemed to end. "You're a student." She began, changing the subject. "I've just caught you up here, would I take points away?"

He frowned, considering her question. All the while, he was glad this was no longer his problem. "Ms. Evans." He started, adopting his nearly forgotten Professor voice that was meant to intimidate. "You and Master Snape are unwelcome here. Ten points from Gryffindor and Slytherin each."

"No detention?" She laughed, her fingers grazing his sleeve. "You were always eager to hand those out."

"They were always deserved." He countered, wondering now how true that was. His eyes left her face, falling to the ground below them. They scanned the edges of the forest, another place they'd escaped to from time to time when a black shape emerged.

"What about the head of house?" Am I–"

" _Lily._ " His voice was firm, and not altogether pleased as he interrupted her. From the corner of his eye, he saw her turn towards him, watched as her line of sight followed his outstretched finger.

"Is that…?"

They looked at one another, both knowing the answer. They had waited for this moment. "Sirius." They said together. As soon as the words escaped her lips, she turned away from him, running towards the steps that had brought them here. He followed after, not sharing the bounce she had held in her step.

For so long she believed this man to be the reason behind her destroyed family, behind the death of James. And now, although she knew differently, her excitement surprised Severus. It was, he surmised, a relationship he didn't understand.

As he followed Lily back down the way they had come, he couldn't help the depression that settled over him. After revisiting the events of earlier, he wasn't fond of the reminder of his time in Azkaban that had just happened upon his new prison. He certainly wasn't fond of the idea it came in the shape of Sirius Black.

They reached the door that was meant to keep them safe, the one that was currently leading one escaped prisoner to another.

Lily was several paces ahead of him still, her feet stepping quickly across the green grass. Even in dog form, it was easy to tell that Sirius was tired. His body sagged, his paws taking slow steps, his tongue lolling from his mouth. Severus remembered that exhaustion, the both of them having wasted away inside the prison walls. He had recovered some in the weeks that passed, but was still as skeletal as before. Sirius, however, was haggard.

Xxxx

Lily paused just before she reached him, her steps finally coming to an end. The colors of black fur and pale skin merged as Sirius transformed, the blur growing taller until it was no longer a dog that stood in front of her. The excitement she'd felt at seeing him from the tower froze inside her. She found herself unable to move, taken aback by his appearance.

The Sirius she had known was gone. He'd had a bight defiance about him that had now been snuffed out. Twelve years of difference had brought her a man she didn't even recognize.

His hair was longer than she'd ever seen it, and he had a beard. He was no longer a young, 21 year old, but rather a man that had seen the horrors of war. She looked at the clothing that hung off on him, the beige stripes that she suspected had once been white. He smelled of filth, the root of which she didn't want to question for too long, afraid of the answer. He wasn't much different than when she'd seen Severus, but the change was enough.

"Why are you here?" She found herself asking. There wasn't a 'hello', not even an unnecessary 'how are you'. She was too surprised to not only see him, but to see him at  _Hogwarts._ Class wasn't in session, and he had no reason to suspected she'd be here.

" _Lily."_ He said her name as though he hadn't in years, as though his mouth had forgotten how to form the letters of it. She didn't recoil, didn't attack him, didn't do any of the things he likely expected she would.

His eyes, once silver, now reminded her of silverware that needed polishing. They'd been dulled by circumstance, changed by despair. Sirius looked over her shoulder, glancing at Severus who stood behind her, and she felt fear for the first time. She half expected the light of spells to dance around her, for insults to hang in the air between them. Instead, Sirius said only three words. "You told her?"

"Whatever you may think of me, I am not a liar." Severus' deep voice spoke behind her, the venom he felt towards the other man hardly concealed. She knew it was true, that the few times he had been untruthful had been out of protection, not menace.

Before she or Severus could protest the matter, Sirius' arms were around her, her feet lifted from the ground as he held her tightly. She wrinkled her nose at the stench of him, but returned the gesture all the same. "I'm here because I sought Severus." He said once she had been returned to the ground, his eyes drifting over her shoulder again. "I was afraid that only he was aware of my innocence, that you wouldn't accept me."

"Dumbledore knows as well, and Remus." She glanced at Severus, her lip held beneath her teeth. "We can free you, we can–" Her hurried words stopped the moment she saw the look that passed between the two men, one of something prison had brought them.

"Right now all I'd like is a bath and a hot meal." Sirius assured her. "But, first, Severus and I need to have a chat."


	39. A Measure of Defeat

The sunlight of early morning streaked through the high, arched windows of the hospital wing. The quiet of absence, of air that had remained untouched in the months between classes, students. It did little to replace the tension of shared circumstance, a shared past. Of hatred.

Lily had easily allowed the privacy Sirius had requested. Her curiosity had been evident as she gazed between them, her lips turned downward. Severus had no interest in doing any of this. No interest in hurrying the day along that he didn’t want to end. He had found comfort in the solitude, the four of them learning how to coexist. But, Sirius had been undeniable. Severus recognized the pleading look held within the other man’s gray eyes. He had lived beneath the look in the entirety of his Azkaban stay, the promise of Sirius’ innocence always in the air between them. There was no escaping it now, just as he hadn’t been able to before.

Now, the two of them were alone inside the stone walls that Severus had been hesitant to return to. His suspicion was heightened, no doubt questioning what the two of them could have to talk about – ever.

Sirius lifted the dingy shirt that clothed him, revealing scarlet that had coagulated against his skin, the ripples of torn flesh across his side. “Fox.” He said simply, his eyes focused on the shelf across the room, the wood weighed down by potion. “We fought over a meal. Can’t say that I won.”

He winced beneath the cold fingers of Severus’ hand, his stomach pulling inward at the contact. “ _Merlin.”_ Sirius hissed. “Do you have to do that?”

Severus lifted his eyes to the ceiling in exaggeration, pulling back his touch. “I need to examine it if you’d like to be healed.” He shuffled in the interior of his robes, his wand having been carelessly stuffed within a pocket in his hurry to retreat from the dungeons. “It’s infected.”

Sirius said nothing, giving no indication of how long the laceration had been there. “How exactly is it that you got here?” Severus regarded him coldly. Little trust had been built between them within in the prison. They were left instead with mutual understanding, of their pasts being more similar than either would like.

His eyes searched the area around them. Pomfrey had reorganized it since he had been there last, and he no longer knew where anything was kept. He was forced to walk away as Sirius spoke, whispering an unlocking charm on the office door.

“I haven’t transformed without a wand since Hogwarts. When I’d mastered it again it wasn’t hard to slide through the bars, past the dementors.”

Severus inclined his head as he stepped through the doorway. He knew the starvation that had come with Azkaban, the frailty. It didn’t need to be spoken aloud between them, the factor of it visible on each of their bodies.

Sirius’ voice, which had grown louder in an effort to make himself heard, drifted away. Inside the office, Severus found what he had been looking for, potions much too dangerous for students to be around, products they didn’t understand. There, he found cleaning supplies as well. With his arms loaded, he returned.

“I swam, I ran.” Sirius shrugged as if he hadn’t trekked hundreds of kilometers, that he’d gone for a short jog instead.

“And you thought coming to Hogwarts days before term began would be wise?” The empty weight of the castle hung over them. They were lucky to have the hospital wing to themselves. The other Professors would be arriving any day, any minute. Should one of them walk in at that moment, only bad conclusions could come from seeing one escaped murderer tend to another. “How exactly did you get past the defenses?” Severus gestured for him to remove his shirt entirely, to lay back as Severus stepped away again.

“The castle is guarded against humans, not animals.” Sirius’s face was scrunched in pain as he listened to the silent command that had passed between them, as the filth of his skin tainted the stark sheet beneath him.

“Not an _unregistered_ animagus.” Severus grumbled to himself, his fingers running along the glass vials that brimmed with potion. Refilling these would likely become his job within these inescapable walls. He selected several potions, the glass of the vials squeaking against each other in his hands.

He set to work, cleaning the injury, ridding it of the injection that lingered on the open skin, splashing it with potion that would promote healthy growth. They were quiet all the while, the silence interspersed with hisses of pain. Severus was aware that this wasn’t the discussion either of them had in mind. He knew that somehow; his spying days weren’t over.

“Hogwarts is one of the most dangerous places you could have chosen.” His voice was harsh as he straightened, bending and straightening his elbow as now, the aching began.

“And you aren’t regarded as equally dangerous?” Sirius sneered, bringing forth a venom he had buried beneath a façade. “I had no choice.”

His eyes narrowed, a line appearing between his brows as he regarded Sirius. “Why is it you’re here?” Severus’ question echoed that of Lily’s earlier. Sirius had no reason to believe that he would find anyone here, especially someone who could help him.

“I’m done fighting this war.”

Fighting. Sirius had done none of it in twelve years, had done little even before then. The defeat in his tone pretended as though he’d been at the forefront all this time. They were _all_ tired of fighting a war that didn’t seem winnable. Severus didn’t answer, instead focusing again on his obligation, a hum of healing coming from deep within his throat.

“You-know-who must be killed, but I don’t believe it’s that simple. What is it he wants?”

Severus ignored the accusatory tone in his voice, the insinuation that Severus should know because _he_ served the Dark Lord. He ignored the fact that Sirius was right. “Domination.” He said finally, the first part of his song coming to an end. “Over muggles, over…everyone. But, that doesn’t explain–“

“I think Hogwarts holds the answer.” Sirius interrupted, lifting himself onto his elbows. He met Severus’ eyes evenly, any flicker of hatred he felt hidden away. “That’s why I came. If You-Know-Who found some way to achieve his needs, I think he did so here, in this library.”

Severus nodded slowly, the words spinning dizzyingly in his mind. He began the chant again, a distraction if anything, a way to slow his response. How had he not thought of it before? The possibilities were endless.

He had grown close to the Dark Lord’s inner circle, never quite achieving it. Voldemort knew of his association with Lily, he knew of the trial that had taken place, and of Lily’s support. Voldemort hadn’t broken him out of Azkaban to save him.

“You need to learn more.” Sirius’ voice levelled as the pain in his side began to cease, his skin becoming whole once more. There was an unspoken belief of innocence between them, one that had begun in prison. As much as Severus had tried to avoid him, they had met an understanding in the years that passed.

“I’ve left. The Dark Lord believes me to be dead.” He shook his head as Sirius opened his mouth to interrupt. He wouldn’t be explaining any of it. “ _But,_ there’s a contact I trust.”

“A Death Eater?” Sirius asked, his words heavy with skepticism. They both ignored the fact that Severus was – had been – the very thing Sirius was afraid of.

“Following the Dark Lord isn’t as clear cut as I think you’d like to believe. Many are dying to leave his side, quite literally.” He held his arm close against his side, the ache burgeoning into the fire that it had been earlier. It was an attribute he had blamed on his memories only that morning, but now considered with a seed of worry. “If anyone can get us information, it’s them.”

Sirius nodded, his eyes falling away, his chest deflating with a huff. It hadn’t been long ago that Severus had been in this very position, hidden back inside the real world. There was a terror at being found, but an ease at knowing there was real food awaiting him, cleanliness, a _bed._ “Wash up.” Severus barked, his wand sliding up the interior of his sleeve. “You have somewhere to be.” Without waiting for an answer, not even a nod, Severus stepped away with a flourish, his steps purposeful as they carried him from the hospital wing and towards Lily.

Xxxx

“What is he wanted?”  Lily’s voice was hurried as she stepped from a nook along the wall that she had hidden herself. Severus gave a jerk of fear at the sound of her. It was a reaction she hadn’t seen since she first returned to Cokeworth. Back then, his wand had always been prepared for a fight, always sliding into his hand.

She was surprised as she looked at him, that he was whole. She was almost tempted to check on Sirius, to assure herself that he hadn’t been killed. Lily was surprised that the door didn’t lay in splinters, the colorful light of curses thrown hadn’t blasted it apart. In short, she was shocked that the two men had finally _grown up._ When last the three of them had called the castle home, there had been no such thing as a civilized discussion.

“Contact Remus.” His voice was velvety smooth, a sound reserved just for her. It held no harshness, no sharp edges that it would have had Sirius appeared at any other time in their lives. It seemed, that somewhere along the lines, Severus had begun to ignore the things that had been done to him. “The four of us have things to discuss.”

“And the boys?”

“They can’t know, Harry especially.”

Xxxx

An hour had passed before any sort of conversation could begin. It had taken Remus a while to arrive, the full moon nearly upon them. The immediateness of his transformation could be read across his skin, the translucent appearance it had taken on from the pain and exhaustion he had already been through.

He hadn’t been told the circumstances of the situation, was unaware that Sirius had finally found his way back. He had trudged through the floo, his thumbs hung on the corners of his pockets, and his posture defeated.

Severus had watched the uniting of three friends from a distance, backed into the shadows that threatened to consume him. He was unprepared to return to the memories that had occurred here, to the moisture that he had lived through long enough.

Sirius’ guarded expression gave way to a similar pain, a shared glance between them that the absence of light, of fresh air reminded them each of harder times. But, for Sirius – now free of Merlin knows what – the visit to the castle dungeon had been worth it. With it, came Remus.

The joviality of the embrace Remus and Sirius shared caused a sneer of disgust to erupt on Severus’ face, his mind burdened by the question of how this friendship could still exist. He had been free of any such merriment in his life, any excitement to be with another human being. Lily was the expectation, as she always was. But, even in the beginning, the clamminess of his skin, the palpations of his heart had remained hidden.

He couldn’t say much to the three people that stood in front of him, chattering as if no time had passed. As the remaining marauders converged, Lily beside them, Severus suddenly felt as the sniveling kid they had made him out to be once.

Harry and Selvan had long ago returned to their rooms, had been shut inside and instructed not to leave. Now, with them safely locked inside the quarters, the four adults walked with purpose, filling the narrow corridor as they filed inside the office that was now Lily’s

Severus glanced at the familiar desk he had once sat behind, had once _scowled_ behind, with an irritating sense of longing. He attributed it to needing a purpose in his life, something to busy his hands with and therefore his mind.

Lily sat behind it, a prideful smile morphing across her lips, splitting her cheeks. Food had arrived before them, spread out across the small desk. Sirius hungrily devoured the chicken that sat in front of him, picking at the bones with his teeth like an animal. His body attested to the fact that he had been without for some time.

“What’s this about, then?” Remus asked, the first to break the silence that had previously only been filled with the mashing of teeth. He nodded his head in Lily’s direction, his eyes lifted up at her from beneath his brow. “You said it was urgent.”

“As I was instructed.” She, in turn, looked to Severus, an eyebrow raised.

He wiped his hands against each other, removing any crumbs that remained there from the sandwich he had eaten. He spoke to the table, the timber of his voice reaching to the walls beyond them all before settling in the air around them. “Sirius has surmised that any secret to the Dark Lord’s downfall is here, in the castle.”

“As in, what?” Remus began, his hands wavering in the air in front of him as he searched for the right words. “Some weapon to defeat him?”

“Possibly, but not exactly.” Sirius answered between mouthfuls. “My assumption was knowledge. That whatever way he used to secure his power, or its potential, he found here.”

“While he was a student” Lily concluded for him, her eyes growing fogged with thought. “And, what do you suspect we do about it?”

“We look for it, of course.” Sirius assured, an irritating scoff lingering in his voice as he did so. “We no longer need a pass for the restricted section.”

Severus gave his own huff of laughter, his chest rising quickly. A pass wouldn’t have stopped them in the past, it certainly wouldn’t now. “And how do you expect to search the library as a wanted man? The students certainly won’t let slip your location, and not without screams.”

“We could go at night-”

Severus gave a booming, humorless chuckle this time. “ _We go at night_. Students wander the grounds then, too. Surely you remember. A curfew means nothing to them.”

“What’s your brilliant idea then?” Sirius asked, his expression curdled, his arms crossed over his chest as he reclined in the chair he occupied.

“You and I can’t be seen, Remus and Lily will be busy.” Sirius opened his mouth to interject some words of wisdom when Severus talked over him, easily knowing what thought had crossed his mind. “Transforming into a dog is out of the question.” A finger tapped against his upper lip, possibilities running through his mind. Polyjuice potion would only ensure that real students received punishment. “We’ll have to barricade Filch from entering. A quill is dropped and that man’s suspicions are raised.”

“Disillusionment charms.” Remus supplied, speaking of what was possibly their only option. “Lily and I are welcome without it, but it would serve you two well.”

A look of confusion crossed Sirius’ features, his brow furrowing inwards and his mouth dropping into a frown. “Am I the only one that hasn’t been a professor in this bloody place?”

“In due time.” Lily smirked, her voice finally intermingling with theirs. “We can figure out the logistics later. First, we need to know what we’re looking for.” It was with this that all three of them turned toward Severus who gave a roll of his eyes. He was irked with the assumption that he would be the one to know of possible dark magic. Their suspicions accurate, although for reasons they wouldn’t believe.

“There’s only one that I know of – a horcrux.” He shook his head, the curtains of his hair flopping about his gaunt face. “It’s one of the darker methods, a crime the Dark Lord would no doubt stoop to. But, it’s a complicated bit of magic, and it comes with its repercussions.”

 “You don’t believe that to be it?” Lily’s voice was small as she looked at him, although he’d squashed some withheld hope inside her.

“It’s an option.” He began, his words slow, speaking his thoughts aloud for all to hear. “There is nothing too extreme for the Dark Lord, but I’d like to explore our other options. There’s someone I trust, someone in the Dark Lord’s inner circle.” He repeated his words of earlier, the promise he had given Sirius. “If anyone knows anything, it will be him.”

“We’ll wait to hear from him, then.” Sirius’ voice wavered with distrust. But he said nothing. The four of them knew it could be their only hope.

“And Dumbledore? What do we tell him?” She interrupted the sudden silence, the quiet agreement they had made with each other.

“ _Nothing._ He’ll be aware of none of it.” Sirius’ voice was filled with such venom that even Severus’ didn’t question his words. It wasn’t hard to guess where his hatred for the headmaster had come from. “The Order as well. It’ll only be the four of us, for now.”

Lily sighed. “That leaves us with only one other problem. Where will you stay?”

“The shack.” He answered without a beat. “The students are still afraid of it, aren’t they?” He continued after a nod of confirmation. “It’s close to the castle, I don’t have to get past charms, transfiguration charms are simple.” He patted the sides of the Azkaban garb he had been forced to return to, searching for a wand that they all knew wasn’t there.

With a sudden spark of realization, Severus searched his own robes, procuring a wand from the inside. Handle out, he handed it across the desk to Sirius who accepted it greedily. “I’m unaware of what it is made of, it didn’t work for me.”

“But, it’s a wand.” Sirius whispered, holding it in his hands as if it in itself was the key to Voldemort’s destruction.

Gray met black, unspoken words of understanding meeting between them.

 


End file.
